In the books of Matthew and Mark in the Bible, there is a rather strange story about Jesus having a bit of a conflict with....a fig tree. Figs are yummy and all, but this is pretty extreme. This fig tree didn't have any fruit on it - because it wasn't actually fig season yet - and Jesus was hungry. So what's a hungry god-man to do? Curse the tree so it will never bear fruit again of course! Damn tree.

Matthew 21:18-20 Early in the morning, as Jesus was on his way back to the city, he was hungry. Seeing a fig tree by the road, he went up to it but found nothing on it except leaves. Then he said to it, "May you never bear fruit again!" Immediately the tree withered. When the disciples saw this, they were amazed.

Mark 11:12-14 The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, "May no one ever eat fruit from you again." And his disciples heard him say it.

Jesus was apparently a pretty cryptic guy - or the people writing down his words were - either way, there are quite a few stories like this in the Bible (and that's excluding the book of Revelation which is its own brand of crazy). But God was downright sadistic. Let's take a look at some lessons found in the Bible that most people probably didn't learn in Sunday School.

1. God has a thing with sex and genitals

   Maybe it's because he doesn't get to have it, but according to the Bible, God uses sex (and genitals) to control or punish people more than once. Using rape, incest and circumcision to teach lessons would not be allowed with humans, but apparently it's totally cool for God to do it.

   God established the practice of male circumcision as proof of the people's willingness to obey him pretty early on.

   Genesis 17:10-12 This is my agreement with you and all your descendants, which you must obey: Every male among you must be circumcised. Cut away your foreskin to show that you are prepared to follow the agreement between me and you. From now on when a baby boy is eight days old, you will circumcise him. This includes any boy born among your people or any who is your slave, who is not one of your descendants.

   David, the future king and the man chosen by God to defeat the Philistines (of David and Goliath fame), went out with his men and killed 200 Philistines and "collected" their foreskins, then used them as the payment for marrying King Saul's daughter, Michal. Now that's what I call an engagement present.

   Samuel 18:24-26 When Saul's servants told him what David had said, Saul said, "Tell David, 'The king doesn't want money for the bride. All he wants is a hundred Philistine foreskins to get even with his enemies.'" Saul planned to let the Philistines kill David. When Saul's servants told this to David, he was pleased to become the king's son-in-law. So he and his men went out and killed two hundred Philistines. David brought all their foreskins to Saul so he could be the king's son-in-law. Then Saul gave him his daughter Michal for his wife.

   God commanded rape in so many places in the Bible it's hard to pick just one, but a passage in 2 Samuel is pretty bad and is a great example of God using rape and child murder as a punishment.

   2 Samuel 12:11-14 "This is what the Lord says: 'I am bringing trouble to you from your own family. While you watch, I will take your wives from you and give them to someone who is very close to you. He will have sexual relations with your wives, and everyone will know it. You had sexual relations with Bathsheba in secret, but I will do this so all the people of Israel can see it.'" Then David said to Nathan, "I have sinned against the Lord." Nathan answered, "The Lord has taken away your sin. You will not die. But what you did caused the Lord's enemies to lose all respect for him. For this reason the son who was born to you will die."

   God even commanded a raped woman to marry her attacker.

   Deuteronomy 22:28-29 If a man meets a virgin who is not engaged to be married and forces her to have sexual relations with him and people find out about it, the man must pay the girl's father about one and one-fourth pounds of silver. He must also marry the girl, because he has dishonored her, and he may never divorce her for as long as he lives.

2. ...and on that note, it's pretty clear that God really hates women... A LOT

   Aside from all the raping, even a quick reading of the Bible reveals that God hates women. This can be easily explained using cultural context and by looking at who actually wrote the Bible and when - but it seems if God is perfect, he would teach people not to be sexist a-holes. But in both the New and Old Testaments, the Bible teaches us otherwise. In 1 Corinthians 14 and 1 Timothy 2, women are told not to talk and Titus is practically a how-to manual on being a good, quiet and submissive Christian woman. In fact, most of the epistles are totally sexist.

   1 Corinthians 14:34-36 women should keep quiet in the church meetings. They are not allowed to speak, but they must yield to this rule as the law says. If they want to learn something, they should ask their own husbands at home. It is shameful for a woman to speak in the church meeting. Did God's teaching come from you? Or are you the only ones to whom it has come?

   1 Timothy 2:9-12 Also, women should wear proper clothes that show respect and self-control, not using braided hair or gold or pearls or expensive clothes. Instead, they should do good deeds, which is right for women who say they worship God. Let a woman learn by listening quietly and being ready to cooperate in everything. But I do not allow a woman to teach or to have authority over a man, but to listen quietly.

3. He also doesn't seem too fond of the unborn, infants and children

   Not only does the Bible tell of infanticide, abortion and child murder, it actually tells us God, or his representatives at his behest, commanded it. Not cool God, not cool at all.

   The prophet Hosea spoke of pregnant women being ripped open and children being torn to pieces because the nation of Israel had "fought against God."

   Hosea 13:16 The nation of Israel will be ruined, because it fought against God. The people of Israel will die in war; their children will be torn to pieces, and their pregnant women will be ripped open."

   And Jeremiah told of a time when God would destroy the city and make people so hungry that they would eat their kids.

   Jeremiah 19:9 An enemy army will surround the city and will not let anyone go out to get food. I will make the people so hungry that they will eat the bodies of their own sons and daughters, and then they will begin to eat each other.'

   As an interesting side note, the historian Flavius Josephus told of Jews starving in Jerusalem during the Roman siege of 70 CE who actually did eat their own children.

    

   ...and perhaps one of the most disturbing is Psalm (a song of celebration) 137 in which the psalmist is proclaiming retribution by smashing babies against rocks. Very uplifting.

   Psalm 137:8-9 People of Babylon, you will be destroyed. The people who pay you back for what you did to us will be happy. They will grab your babies and throw them against the rocks.

4. When God likes you, you can get away with ANYTHING

   King David, Cain, all the prophets, all the apostles, Noah, Adam, King Saul...they all committed atrocious acts of violence, greed, sexism, racism, etc. You name it, at least one of them did it, often multiple times. And yet the Bible tells us God blessed them with money and/or power and the apostles were the ones who essentially established the Christian religion...hmmm...

5. When God doesn't like you, you're probably dead, and your death will probably be creative

   Lot's wife turned into a salty version of her former self just because she looked back on her hometown from which she was fleeing because...well...because God was pissed off and was destroying it with burning sulfur.

   Genesis 19:26 At that point Lot's wife looked back. When she did, she became a pillar of salt.

   People got swallowed up by giant cracks in the earth.

   Numbers 16:32 The earth opened and swallowed them and all their families. All Korah's men and everything they owned went down.

   42 Kids got mauled by two mother bears because they mocked the baldness of one of the prophets (no joke).

   2 Kings 2:23-24 From there Elisha went up to Bethel. On the way some boys came out of the city and made fun of him. They said to him, "Go up too, you baldhead! Go up too, you baldhead!" Elisha turned around, looked at them, and put a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two mother bears came out of the woods and tore forty-two of the boys to pieces.

   ...and a bonus: Mark 14 tells of a disciple at the time of Jesus' arrest who was only wearing a towel which was grabbed off him and he ran away naked. Yep. Naked. Who was he? No one knows...in the Bible is a naked mystery man.

   Mark 14:51-52 A young man, wearing only a linen cloth, was following Jesus, and the people also grabbed him. But the cloth he was wearing came off, and he ran away naked.

Where do Christians get the image of a loving, just God who wants to bless and heal people and give them peace on earth and good will toward men? It definitely isn't from a simple reading of the Bible. Even though the Bible continues to be a very highly sold book, it's probably safe to say that most people, even Christians, haven't read everything that's in it. This alone makes it easy for Christian leaders now and throughout history, to tell people pretty much anything about God and get them to believe it. And of course a benevolent god is a being more appealing on which to establish a religion.

The Bible contains many inconvenient stories, passages and lessons. This inconvenience is even a reason apologists will give for its validity. The argument goes something like this, "If people wanted to invent a god and a holy book, wouldn't it make sense to make it beautiful and perfect? Its imperfection and difficult passages are evidence that it's real." Apologetics aside, today in the developed world, most of the more disturbing or unbelievable scriptures in the Bible are explained away as "metaphor" or "culturally unique". But the truth is that there are some really messed up lessons in the Bible that aren't limited to a handful of goofy verses and the most sadistic behavior is modeled by God himself.

What are your favorite Bible verses or your craziest, most horrific, or ridiculous Sunday School stories? We want to hear them! Reply to this email to tell us.