The Bible in a Nutshell (Interlude part 2)

This is a deep-dish pie, and we've got just a bit more filling before we reach the crust again.

A Major Case of Whiplash

So apparently The Wiz failed to tell the people who already lived on the land where The Wiz had planned for the Jews to live anything about this foreclosure. Instead of giving them a fair ninety days to vacate the premises, The Wiz tells the Jews to just bust in and murder everyone. The Jews have trouble doing this in a timely fashion, so The Wiz makes the sun stop moving so the Jews can complete their attempted genocide in just one day.

A quick note is necessary here because as far as science is concerned, the only way to stop the sun in the sky would be to stop the rotation of the earth. This would mean instant death for everything on earth, but we must remember that we're dealing with an extra-dimensional wizard. The Wiz isn't beholden to physics!

The Wiz is really a swell guy once you get to know him and if he isn't trying to murder you or have you murdered.

Splitting Hairs

Times are crazy and this one dude named Samson has grown out some killer dreadlocks. The Wiz thinks this hairdo is totally dope, so he makes Samson super strong because dreads are super awesome. The Wiz tells Samson that if he ever cuts his hair The Wiz is gonna pull Samson's man card and take all his strength. So Samson starts dating this chick named Delilah and he thinks things are getting serious so he tells her about how The Wiz made him super strong because the dude loves the dreads. But Delilah is actually a trifling ass skank and she tells the other dudes that if they shave Samson's killer ass dreads that he'll turn into a total wuss. So those guys shave Samson's head and The Wiz takes Samson's super strength for falling victim to a drama queen. The people in the town have Samson on display and are teasing him and shit so Samson sends The Wiz a telepathic message and asks for an assist. The Wiz is like, "Why the hell not?" and gives Samson his powers back. Samson then proceeds to push over the support pillars for the building they're all hanging out in and drops the roof on everyone's heads.

Poof! Now we're all corpses!

The Bigger They Are...

The Jews have kings in charge of them after Moses and the whole establishment of Israel thing. One of the kings named Saul is having trouble dealing with a race of giants and this dude named David chimes in and says, "I've got this". He's basically still a kid and these other guys bring in this extra large giant named Goliath. David picks up a rock and puts it in this thing called a sling. He spins it around a few times and then releases one end sending the rock into Goliath's skull and peals his muffin cap back for him.

I make da bodies... I don't erase da bodies!

The Chronicles of Ridiculous

Donate to Atheist Republic

After the whole Moses thing there are a bunch of chapters that chronicle the life and times of the Jews. For the most part these are chapters detailing all the war crimes committed by the Jews while they sought to establish Israel. The basic gist is murder, burn, rinse, and repeat. This goes on for well over a thousand years of building temples, burning temples and general slaughter of as many men, women and children as can be found in the region.

It's been about 2,000 years since all that began and we can see that it still continues to this day with no end in sight. It's not much in the way of a magic trick, but as a testament to stubbornness, delusion, and cognitive dissonance it's second to none.

More Royal Cream Filling

There were some more kings and more murder and somewhere in the mix we learn that iron is like kryptonite to The Wiz, so if you ever find yourself on his bad side just find an iron chariot and you're in good shape.

The Jews procreate like rabbits and just conquer everything around. They continue playing this tedious game called burny burny cut cut with all the people around them, especially these folks called Palestinians. The whole region is just covered in blood and guts and everyone is fighting and killing each other as the Jews progress through a procession of warrior kings.

Daniel and the Vegetarian Lions

Eventually the Jews aren't hot shit any more and everybody is worshipping all sorts of weird cosmic wizards. So this one guy named Daniel tells this king that the wizards he's worshipping are total bullshit. So the king says to prove it and Daniel shows the king that the wizards he's worshipping are fake and that the priests who claim to be employed by those wizards are actually just robbing the king. But this just pisses the king off and he throws Daniel in a den of lions. Unbeknownst to the king, The Wiz had cast a spell on those lions and made them vegetarians. This saves Daniel's ass, but it's not very cool for the lions whose teeth and digestive system aren't well equipped to handle broccoli.

I Can't Eat Another Bite!

Okay, the rest of this crap leading up to Jesus is just more kings and more bloody rampage. Honestly I've had all of that crimson filling I can stand to ingest, and I imagine you have too. Luckily for us the new testament is low on filler and there isn't anything to add here that is pertinent to the story.

In the final part Peter Dinklage rides in on a dragon and burns everything down... Well, maybe no Dinklage, but the dragon is totally coming!

A Note From the Author

These interlude pieces are not really necessary to understand the main storyline. I've offered them here because the stories I chose to highlight play a part in what makes up Christian dogma in many traditional sects. Even in offering these most notable of stories some will still object that I missed certain stories they find to be important. What I've offered here is a stripped down rendering of the most basic ideas one should be familiar with to understand the bible. If you want to go into greater detail then, feel free to read the actual bible as I've done many times over.

If you like our posts, subscribe to the Atheist Republic newsletter to get exclusive content delivered weekly to your inbox.

Click Here to Subscribe

Donating = Loving

Heart Icon

Bringing you atheist articles and building active godless communities takes hundreds of hours and resources each month. If you find any joy or stimulation at Atheist Republic, please consider becoming a Supporting Member with a recurring monthly donation of your choosing, between a cup of tea and a good dinner.

Or make a one-time donation in any amount.