An Atheist walks into a church....

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Cognostic's picture
An Atheist walks into a church....

You may use only two sentences to continue the story. What happens next? Do not write more than 2 sentences.

An Atheist walks into a church and sees a 10 foot golden Jesus on a cross looking down on him. He realizes the church is full and everyone in the congregation is singing "Onward Christian Soldiers."

.....

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Jared Alesi's picture
Wait, are we continuing from

Wait, are we continuing from after "Soldiers" , or from after "church" ?

Tin-Man's picture
I started mine after

I started mine after "soldiers".

Tin-Man's picture
He stares hard and

He stares hard and thoughtfully at the overly-lavish golden idol for a moment before returning out to his car where he retrieves his vintage 1980's era boom box. He then casually strolls back into the church and up to the front, where he places the boom box on the pulpit and presses the "play" button, at which time "Hell's Bells" by AC/DC begins blaring loudly over the singing of the congregation.

Tin-Man's picture
If I were to start after

If I were to start after "church", it would be...

An atheist walks into a church... and the church disappears.

Jared Alesi's picture
After realizing his rude

After realizing his rude interruption of a church congregation, the atheist leaves quietly and respectfully. He would just have to summon the devil and eat babies while listening to Black Sabbath somewhere else.

ZeffD's picture
'.... is singing "Onward

'.... is singing "Onward Christian Soldiers."'
And the non-believer thought, "what a bunch of queers".

I think that evangelical Christians who deny equal rights for LBGTs and unduly impede women's rights to control their own bodies should now be called queers. It seems more appropriate in the UK where they are probably a smaller minority than gays. I don't know what LGBTQs think.

Algebe's picture
"Queer" is too good a word

"Queer" is too good a word for evangelical Christians.

I'd like to call them..."snots".

Jared Alesi's picture
The people I can't stand are

The people I can't stand are those who would deny homosexuals marriage equality, but also watch lesbian porn. Those are the queer ones.

Grinseed's picture
Jared, attached is a photo of

Jared, attached is a photo of one Cory Benardi, one of Australia's rampant fundamentalist christians who also is a member of the Federal Parliament. He is toxically conservative and opposes every progressive issue in favour of his christian beliefs.
He was a major opponent of the recent same sex marriage campaign. He is absolutely opposed to the gay movement and once proclaimed same sex marriage would inevitably lead to marriage with animals.
The photo is taken at his home with his wife. The crucifix speaks for itself. The painting is of Barry Humphreys aka Dame Edna Everage. Given his views and that this painting hangs in pride of place in his home, seems very queer.

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Algebe's picture
@Grinseed: "Dame Edna Everage

@Grinseed: "Dame Edna Everage"

Does this self-righteous numbskull perhaps think that Dame Edna is a real woman?

Dame Edna was one of the funniest characters in TV history. She/he used to talk about her relationship with her gynecologist ("We go back a long way"). And she had Charlton Heston (or maybe a lookalike) as her houseboy.

MCD's picture
(1) He laughed out loud. (2

(1) He laughed out loud. (2) He left the blissfully ignorant to their blissful ignorance

Cognostic's picture
But as he was about to hop in

But as he was about to hop in the car a little boy came running up to him . "Hey Mister," says the boy "Where did you get that great music?"

Algebe's picture
An Atheist walks into a

An Atheist walks into a church and sees a 10 foot golden Jesus on a cross looking down on him. He realizes the church is full and everyone in the congregation is singing "Onward Christian Soldiers."

He says, "I was looking for the house of the religion that preaches neighborly love and says the meek shall inherit the Earth, but I must have the wrong address. I'll try the mosque and synagogue down the street."

mykcob4's picture
"An Atheist walks into a

"An Atheist walks into a church and sees a 10 foot golden Jesus on a cross looking down on him. He realizes the church is full and everyone in the congregation is singing "Onward Christian Soldiers."

He says "Excuse me I thought I was in the whore house. Well it looks just like the whore house, all the dressed up women and a giant naked man on a billboard."

chimp3's picture
Atheist thinks : This place

Atheist thinks : This place would a music venue!

Tin-Man's picture
An Atheist walks into a

An Atheist walks into a church and sees a 10 foot golden Jesus on a cross looking down on him. He realizes the church is full and everyone in the congregation is singing "Onward Christian Soldiers."......

He has really long ears and is munching on a carrot and exclaims, "Hey, this doesn't look like Pismo Beach! Eh, I knew I should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque."

Flamenca's picture
"An Atheist walks into a

"An Atheist walks into a church and sees a 10 foot golden Jesus on a cross looking down on him. He realizes the church is full and everyone in the congregation is singing "Onward Christian Soldiers."

She looks around, and starts dancing to the sound of the song, samba-style, while walking backwards as she leaves the church.

Aposteriori Unum's picture
So... The atheist realizes

So... The atheist realizes that he's wearing his Slayer shirt, the album cover of "God Hates Us All." The church stops singing and stares at him, then he says: "well, this is awkward. "

Lorac's picture
And, when she is not struck

And, when she is not struck down by lightning, she leaves, confidant in the fact that she is right and the nuns were lying all along.

Algebe's picture
I remember singing "Onward

I remember singing "Onward Christian Soldiers" at primary school in England. It had an insistent drumbeat melody that really put us in a fighting mood. We all hated soppy hymns like "All Things Bright and Beautiful" and "Away in a Manger," but after we sang "Onward Christian Soldiers" in morning assembly we couldn't wait to get out into the playground and pummel each other. "Stand up Stand up for Jesus" and "He Who Would Valiant Be" had a similar effect, but "Onward Christian Soldiers" was always the killer hymn.

Cognostic's picture
By the magic of Jesus the

By the magic of Jesus the Slayer shirt bursts into flames and the 10 foot giant Jesus rips himself from the cross behind the priest and jumps to the floor, his eyes red with anger.

Sushisnake 's picture
An Atheist walks into a

An Atheist walks into a church and sees a 10 foot golden Jesus on a cross looking down on him. He realizes the church is full and everyone in the congregation is singing "Onward Christian Soldiers." Everyone except the angry guy in the front pew. He's red in the face, tapping his hoof on the floor impatiently, when he opens his mouth and shouts.."

Flamenca's picture
when he opens his mouth and

when he opens his mouth and shouts... If this place would be somewhere in Spain probably NOTHING. Last week, our Supreme Court has ratified one year of imprisonment to 5 young people who interrupted an RCC mass for 10 minutes to claim the inclusion of abortion in our public health system (that means for free), with chants like "get your rosaries out of our ovaries". The Court explained in our legal system, freedom of speech can't affect the right to worship https://goo.gl/5rT1So

P.S. Is this the same in every country? (sorry for the off-topic)

Sushisnake 's picture
@Flamenca

@Flamenca
I'm stunned. Are the Spanish people fighting it?

Algebe's picture
@Flamenca: "The Court

@Flamenca: "The Court explained in our legal system, freedom of speech can't affect the right to worship"

This wouldn't happen in any of my countries (UK, New Zealand, Australia). The young people might be charged with disorderly behavior or public nuisance, etc., or possibly trespass if the church was private property. But the worst penalties would be fines. If they made their statement and then left without causing damage, I don't think there would be any charges. The police have more important things to do!

How can a 10-minute interruption to a mass be worth a year lost of out the lives of five young people? That's evil. What would Jesus say?

Algebe's picture
I'd just like to add, that in

I'd just like to add, that in many RC churches in places where I've lived, the protestors would probably have outnumbered the worshipers. (LOL)

Flamenca's picture
@Sushi: "I'm stunned. Are

@Sushi: "I'm stunned. Are the Spanish people fighting it?" We don't have a lobby or any important media. It's been commented in social media and some political environments, but it's the Supreme Court, so we're basically screwed.

This is not the only incident in the last years. There have been others worth-mentioning, like a now-famous politician in Madrid, who read a manifest and then showed her bra in a public University's chapel 6 years ago -the news for me was that there are still chapels in my old University!- to protest RCC bigotry against homosexuals and women, but she was sentenced to pay around 4000 euros, not prison, because it wasn't during a mass, there were just a few people praying. The district attorney also asked for a year of imprisonment though.

How can a 10-minute interruption to a mass be worth a year lost of out the lives of five young people? That's evil. What would Jesus say? What a very good question to Christians, @Algebe.

Cognostic's picture
What in the hell is going on

What in the hell is going on in this thread??? We have entered the Twilight Zone, that place beyond time and space.....

Tin-Man's picture
@Cog Re: "What the hell is

@Cog Re: "What the hell is going on..."

An Atheist walks into a church and sees a 10 foot golden Jesus on a cross looking down on him. He realizes the church is full and everyone in the congregation is singing "Onward Christian Soldiers...

The atheist yells, "What in the hell is going on in this thread??? We have entered the Twilight Zone, that place beyond time and space....."

Cognostic's picture
@Tin-man

@Tin-man
And then suddenly he feels better because a Tin Man flew from the right nostril of the 10 foot Jesus with glowing read eyes, landed on the floor in front of Cognostic, and showed that he understood. "Yes, we are in the Twilight Zone."

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