I have personally called myself an atheist for the past 6 months. However, me questioning my beliefs have started long before that.
I am currently a sophomore and college. 4 years ago, still in high school, I started to doubt the idea of God. I was raised Christian so the idea of God was still ingrained in me so I would be programmed to believe that God is real automatically. However, I'd think if God was real then he is cruel for making me go through an eating disorder, break up, severe depression, and parent's marriage falling apart. This is the darkest part of my life and I went through this entirely alone. I recovered and things started to get better and I would look back on those thoughts and think, "That was ridiculous. How can I not think that there was a God? There is one and he is merciful. etc" I thought this way up until my second semester in college my freshman year.
I picked to go to a Christian school because I believed it was the right thing for me do to as a Christian, but looking back I can see it was mostly my parents wanting me to go and I let them because "honor thy father and thy mother." I wanted to go to a University of California or somewhere where it would be cheaper; however, I shut up and did what I was told like a good Christian girl I was raised to be. (Regardless, my school isn't as bad compared to most out there. Some have their students require to go to a specific church and among other things or they will be expelled. At least, my school is more liberal and accepting of different people; however, atheists are in the vast majority.)
I started questioning my faith when I saw some atheist YouTubers and their videos made sense to me. "How can this make sense when I am a Christian?" I thought. So I did as much research as I could, using both Christian and atheist sources to get both sides of the story, and I did all this in secrecy. It took me a while to come to terms with the idea that the ideas I have been brought up with were not as perfect as I was being preached to and taught at my college. That was a period of time where I was so angry about being lied to my whole life. I got into a lot of arguments with my parents at that time and they even started to question my faith. "What are they teaching you? Why are you going to a Christian school if you're acting like this? Are you even a Christian?" I lied, I told them I was still a Christian.
My current boyfriend doesn't even know. He fell in love with me while I still claimed to be a Christian. He grew up Jehovah's witness and he uses to be super religious but not as much when I met him. We do not really talk about religion but regardless, we're both adults and we never force our beliefs onto the other person. However, I know I should come out to him. I love him and he says he loves me but I don't know if he fell in love with me or the Christian me. I know if I can tell him and he at least respects my decision then I know I can get through telling my friends and family in the future.
For now, I am still in the closet trying to make sense of my beliefs (or lack thereof) and doing as much research as possible so when I do come out and people ask how I got to this point, I'll have the answers. It isn't easy, it feels like I can never relax with the people I love and care about. Plus whenever I do have a good time with friends and family, I have a moment of realization where I have to ask myself, "Would they treat you the same way if they knew I was an atheist?" That is the worst feeling ever because most of the time, I believe the answer is no. Some days are easier than others.
There's not really point to this but this has been happening for so long and has been all bottled up that it needed to come out one way or another. Regardless, I like to believe I am a better, happier person now because I know it wasn't God that got me through the darkest part of my life: it was me.
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Moving to Atheist Hub.
Larissa, Site Support is for issues with site functionality.
Welcome to AR!
Hey there, Larissa! Glad you decided to join our little group of castaways on this tiny island of sanity and reason. We have a pretty good crew of folks here with a wide range of experiences and from a variety of cultures and nationalities. And everybody is willing to give support and advice. You have come to a good place.
For starters, it is totally natural and okay to have those feelings of anger you mentioned caused by being lied to all of your life. The trick, though, is to get past that anger and realize it is likely you were not lied to or mislead intentionally or maliciously. Chances are, your parents/family were doing only what they believed to be in your best interest, because that is exactly how they were raised to believe themselves. So, in a sense, they got screwed just as badly as you did. In your case, however, you have been fortunate enough to realize for yourself that religion is just an elaborate pipe dream. And if you are not yet able to talk about your thoughts with anybody else at the moment, then you are definitely in the right place here to vent and get advice......oh, and learn. Much can be learned by hanging out in the debate room and observing different discussions. Strongly recommend you do that, by the way. And, please, never be afraid to ask questions in here. However, just make sure you really want to hear the truth. We don't pull very many punches with our answers most of the time. *chuckle*
You made the remark, "Regardless, I like to believe I am a better, happier person now because I know it wasn't God that got me through the darkest part of my life: it was me." By golly, I LIKE that! You are absolutely correct in that assessment! You CAN and you WILL BE a better and a much happier person once you are finally able to completely break away from those chains of religion. And it is great to see that you are giving credit where credit is due. Yes, it was YOU who got you through those dark parts of your life. Some imaginary entity floating around up on high had absolutely nothing to do with it. Good for you, young lady. You are off to a great start.
Edit to add: By the way, it has been a little slow around here the last day or two, but be patient and others will be along soon enough to greet and welcome you. Be advised, though, if you see Arakish, try not to stare too long. He had his branches trimmed recently, and the gardener botched the job a bit. So he is a still a bit self-conscious about it right now. Oh, and Old Man might come through to say hello, also. If you see him coming and he appears to be zig-zagging on his tricycle, you might want to get out of the way. He does like to pull the cork on a bottle of wine now and then.
You are not alone on those feelings , for several months i questioned myself will my family treat me with love and kindness if they knew i’m an atheist ? and the answer is complex but I believe it’s kind of “No”.But i’m not depressed because of that anymore since they look like someone with a hard cancer to me(i realized the only wall between us is infections of Islam).They somehow know i have changed alot and am not as religious as before but think i still believe Allah and follow muslim traditions.
chain of superiority :
Allah => Muhammad => Imams => supreme leader => Me as a muslim => whole muslims => me as an atheist :)))))
Dear Larissa,
I perfectly understand how you feel and please know you are not alone - even if you are closeted, you have so many people going through the same emotions and struggles just like you. I believe on this site you can find endless support - I know because I'm a newcomer here and I already did.
As for your struggle to keep it in you and lie about it: I was in very similar state as you regarding my parents. I love them and i knew always they love me very much but they raised me as a very devout christian. When I finally gained my strength and broke free in my mind, and realized how my whole life i was brainwashed and lied to (not intentionally, of course: I know they taught me christianity because they truly believed thats the only and best way), I felt very angry.
Still, i was very afraid, just like you, to come out and tell them. Instead, I kept it in me and it resulted in me getting into many petty arguments and fights (on totally different issues) with them, because I had this unbearable tension in me.
Then I gave up, and one day I simply told them.
And what was amazing: it was the most liberating thing ever. I felt free. I felt relieved. I could be ME in front of my family, who i (still) love dearly. And guess what: their reaction was really cool and loving. Sure, they didn't want me not to believe, but they accepted it.
Also, I told them how I really try not to be angry, but I have deep anger inside me because religion really messed me up (and they actually knew this, they experienced it), and I wish they never taught me it. And even though I know my parents really hope one day I find my way back to religion, they never once raised this topic with me since then, and love me just as much as they loved me before (It's been two years since I came out).
I do have to add, I really don't know your situation, your family, your parents. Im well aware there are situations where I think its better NOT to tell them. I think only you can know, if it's okay to tell them or not (some people can be abusive...). But if they are loving parents, just very religious, I would say, go for it. I was so happy when I finally did.
As for your boyfriend - if you love him, and u think he loves you too, I would urge u to tell him (even more than to ur parents). Parents are one thing (very important, of course), but your boyfriend/partner/spouse is someone who should mean "home" for you. How can u feel at ease, being "home" if you cant be perfectly 100 % yourself and honest?
And if this would make him turn away from you (which i would be very surprised about), then, honestly, good riddance. (I'm sorry to be this harsh, but seriously...if someone would stop loving you just because of your belief...wtf??).
Either way, please let us know how u decided. I would cheer you on for embracing yourself and being open about it.
Big hug,
Lydia
LOL. HA! I knew it. You posted while I was still composing my reply.
rmfr
Hahaha, Indeed, indeed... take your time dear ;)
Hello Larissa,
Welcome to this tiny corner of reality where the atheist come to play. As Tin-Man said, you find many different atheists here, all willing to help those who have finally shed that wool that has been pulled over the eyes. Religion is definitely an insidious mind virus. The most dangerous of them all.
And, apologies. I do tend to rant. Thus, sorry for a long post...
I cannot know what you are going through. How your emotions are doing. Why?, you may ask. Because I have never been a believer. I pretended to be a believer so they would stop humiliating me, ostracizing me, even excommunicating me from two churches, and eventually physically abusing me, even getting to the point of being repeatedly raped and beaten by the other Christian children. All because I was a godless heathen.
However, I kind of know what you mean by the anger. Mine was instilled through a different method. Yes, they lied, but it was the additional use of violence and threats of violence that has made me so hateful of all religion that I now call myself a Militant Anti-Religionist. I am somewhat hard-core and my language can get a bit foul. However, like Christopher Hitchens has said (paraphrase), "I could care less how offensive you find how I say something. Your religion is just as offensive to me." As I once told me mom, and it really changed her outlook: "Only YOU have the power to give a word, phrase, sentence the power to offend YOU." In general, I am a very nice, kind, and loving person. However, start spewing the garbage of religion at me and I shall bring out big guns. And once I start opening fire, I am relentless.
As for the Christian school, the only advice I can give is perhaps change your degree and attend a secular university. Perhaps tell everyone it is because changed your mind and want to get a "science" based degree, and the current university is just not that great in science. Of course, you have to be good in science for that to work. Then again, any secular university is going to have better teachers because they can find the ones based on real teaching criteria instead of whether they are Christian or not.
The companion thing. OI! Cannot help you there. My wife was also a life-long atheist. And that helped tremendously. On top of that, she was incredibly intelligent. Of course, you have already realized the major problem: "if he fell in love with me or the Christian me." The only advice I can give here is to be open with him about your true beliefs and feelings. It can only do greater harm to keep it hidden. If you go ahead and tell him, he may hate it, but deep down he will also know that you were at least honest and trustful with him. If you keep it hidden and he finds out on his own, not only will he hate it, he will also resent you for "lying" to him about it.
In one psychology class I had in college, the professor (whom I also took four of her other classes) asked everyone in the lecture hall to list the five most important things in a healthy realtionship. My list, not in any particular order: Love, Honesty, Trust, Respect, Communication. In the next class, the professor asked me to come to the lectern. She then asked me to read off my list. I did so. After a pause of a few seconds, and even I noticed the professor was intentionally pausing, another student asked, “What about sex?” To which I replied, “What about it?” “You did not list sex as being part of a healthy relationship.” My answer: “Of course, sex and intimacy are very important for a healthy relationship. Besides, if you have the five I listed: Love, Honesty, Trust, Respect, and Communication; sex is a given. It WILL happen. If you have those five, it is inconceivable that sex could not happen.” The professor then informed the lecture hall of about 150 students that I was the only one who did not list “sex” as one of my five. Funny, huh?
O! gosh! For me this a very ugly septic tank. It largely depends on how devout your family is. My family was very, very, very devout when I was younger. Even after the death of my wife and twin daughters, my entire family abandoned me. I guess they felt that I deserved it for being atheist and raising them atheist. However, after 20 years, about half my family has had devout religious beliefs tempered somewhat. There are still some of them who only attend family get togethers if I am also going to be there. They enjoy abusing the brain damage I suffered in the accident that killed my wife and daughters. The brain damage is in the form that I cannot think as fast I used to be able to. Someone could say something and I could instantaneously snap-back with a comment. Now, it takes me a few seconds. I have to actually sit and cogitate. These family members play tag-team humiliation by one saying something, and before I can think of something, the next says something, then the next, never giving me the chance to comment. The last time we had a family get together was on the Fourth of July. I brought both a Christian flag and an America Flag and burned them right in front of everyone, then said, "This is what I think of your fucking beliefs and this fucking country for supporting your sorry asses." Then I left while they were left speechless and have never gone to another family get together since. Hell, I did not even go to my birthday celebration with me mom until a week after my actual birthdate. Because I knew the other family members who enjoy humiliating me would be there. And they were and were disappointed that I was not there.
Thus, all I can say is it depends upon how open-minded your family is. If I had waited until now to admit I was atheist, I may never have gone through the humiliation my family has done to me. The only other family member who supported me was my father. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that he had earned a PhD in Engineering while also serving 12 years in the USAF.
***tree standing tall appearing to be doing cheerleader pom-pom thing but is actually clapping branches***
***huge hug with consoling pats on the back***
VERY WELL SAID! Those last two sentences are so well written I'd love to steal them for use later.
I know the times right now have to look bleak. But always remember, it is YOU who does get your "self" through the dark times. Hell, it took me literally 20 years to get to the "acceptance" stage I now enjoy. (The Five Stages of Grief thing: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. And I shall be the first to admit that although I have achieved acceptance, the combination of Adult ADHD and C-PTSD can still raise their ugliness and haunt the hell out of me from time to time. Even today, I can still have a night terror that sends me into the combined mental fugue of schizophrenic and dissociative delusions. You would have to read my essay "Soul Shatter" to understand fully.
Anyway, I think I have wasted enough your precious time.
As I told Lydia, and she may comment here also, May your many long years to come have more happiness and joy than mine.
rmfr
Welcome Larissa. And a warm and sincere welcome it is.
From your post, it is obvious you are smart and have thought things through. And just as Tin -Man was blown away by your comment "Regardless, I like to believe I am a better, happier person now because I know it wasn't God that got me through the darkest part of my life: it was me.", wow, you sure are on the right track.
I do lie about my atheism to my family. But as far as I am concerned, I am going a bad thing for a very good reason. I may deceive others, but I am honest with myself. When one starts to lie to themselves, then they are in trouble.
Just like Lydia, you have a long life ahead of you. You have time to gets things sorted out, and a lot of time to enjoy a life free from the evil tendrils of religion.
Life is good.
Welcome to AR Larissa!
Are your parents paying for your college? If not, then by all means transfer college's.
You can find support here at AR. The road to Atheism is a rough one due to religious beliefs. Just remember that there is no sin or hell hanging over your head anymore.
@Larissa...…
I was looking at that “Footprints” thing some time back and I realised it was missing something.
So I thought I’d take a swing at finishing it.
See what you think.
“The LORD replied, my precious, precious child, I Love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
The man thought about this.
He thought about it for a long, long time.
Finally he said ,”Bulls*it!”
When the time of trial came, I faced it alone.
There were only one set of footprints because I was standing on my own two feet .
Against all that the world could throw at me.
And I endured.
You? You weren’t there.
You weren’t ever there.
And I didn’t need you.
I never did and I never will.
There came no reply,
Just silence.
It was then that the man knew .
It had always been …
just silence.”
Welcome survivor …… you've made it to the higher ground …...
Just a thought for you. You are never going to find out who your friends are, who loves you, or who you really are, until you become honest with yourself and with others. When you live the lie, the people around you only know you by the lie you live. "To thine own self be true." (Oracle of Delphi )
As a naive Brit I was surprised by the concept of a Christian University.... sounds like an oxymoron to me. I thought a university was supposed to be a seat of learning and open ideas?
It's hard to leave your upbringing behind... but I can't believe you'll be able to address all of life's challenges without doing so. Good luck.
In my limited experience, Christian Universities vary considerably in the US. Many are Christian in name only, while others bring the crazy in full force.