Hello - going through a bit of a mid-life crisis here. Not because I'm struggling with my lack of religion, but because I feel so certain and I'm in the midst of churches on every corner of every small town USA.
I'm quite tolerant - my mom is Christian (Presbyterian) and my dad (passed away) was atheist. It's something I NEVER discuss - only two friends know. It's difficult to date even though I do not push my lack of religion on anyone who practices. In fact, I'll be a good sport and attend once or twice a year just because it makes other people happy. I'll bow my head during grace all while the inner thoughts pretty much register "sigh".
At this point in life (50) I'm struggling with being divorced (single for 15 years) and having only one true friend who also doesn't believe in god. The only others who know avoid the topic because I usually get a demeaning "aw, she just doesn't understand the joy of god's love" virtual head-pat when the topic comes up. I don't try to change them, they don't try to change me, but it's a barrier.
Living in the south, albeit a metropolitan area, there are people praying for you left and right. Thoughts and prayers, blessed to have/be/exist, invitations to worship from most anyone new you meet and expressions of faith are allowed and common but anyone who expresses a lack of any faith gets looked at like a three headed dog.
How do you cope and not feel lonely or like you are missing out? I refuse to pretend to believe something I don't just to fit in. But I'm a social person. Why is this even an issue in this day and age? Something happens and all of my facebook friends are "Praying for you!" and I feel like a dolt for not offering anything more than "positive vibes" or "thinking of you" and I get so tired of all of the christian inspirational posts but I'm not going to pretend I'm praying for something when I'm not. So PC! And on top of this I'm in a job transition so need to keep that on the DL anyway because I wouldn't want to be discriminated against because of it.
Whew! Hello all and thanks for the vent! *letting hair down finally*
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Hi and welcome. You'll find many like minded individuals here with many of the same concerns.
I too am somewhat of a closeted atheist. I've only discussed with a few individuals when I was able to discern that they would be like minded. My wife and children are all aware, and none of them have what I would call traditional religious beliefs. I intentionally hide my lack of belief from my 81 year old mother, I see no point in upsetting her at this point. I intend to fully come out when she is gone, although I don't think I'd ever really pursue the conversation with other family or friends, I just at that point will no longer play along.
This is a great outlet for being able to speak your mind freely, so take advantage.
...and I love your name, Special K. That is also the nickname for Greg Kelser, a former Michigan State and NBA player (now an announcer) most famous for finishing a lob pass from Magic Johnson with a dunk in the 1979 NCAA final against Larry Bird and Indiana State. Love that memory!
Ha, I did not know about the NBA player - it was a nickname from a coworker years ago. :)
Hi SpecialK. Welcome to AR. Glad you found a landing spot.
Hey there, Special K! Great having another Bible Belter around here. I'm an central Alabama boy myself. You picked a great place here at the AR. Welcome! And vent to your heart's content. You are in good hands here.
You hang out in sites like this with like minded people. Then you live your life knowing you are not the crazy one. My last two girlfriends were religious. Hey.... Have you thought of the world of online dating. Badoo is a popular Philippine site. Friendfinder has sites all over the world. Never send anyone money regardless of the sob story. You are sure to find enough entertainment to keep you busy.
Welcome Special K. Although I do not live close to the bible belt, the internet allows like-minded people to share their stories and support each other. That's us, atheists, who usually rarely run across many other atheists in real life.
I am also surrounded by religion. My balcony overlooks a school for .. Seventh Day Adventists. And within a diameter of one mile, I can guarantee at least twenty Synagogues. On my way to work I used to drive by one of those big televangelists churches.
I am old enough and have made enough mistakes to learn that if you start something, then you better be prepared to accept and live with the consequences. Because once you open the Pandora's box of "I am an atheist" to friends, family, or co-workers, the odds of something negative coming from it is 99% certain.
For me, I just keep my big yap shut almost all the time. If I tell others, I will have gained absolutely nothing, and risked all.
I get my atheist fix on the internet and with many wonderful people, the present bunch in here included.
SpecialK, you are not alone, and you do have support from this direction.
Hello Special K, welcome!
I am also a fellow unbelieving bible belter (is that an actual word?). Right smack dab in the middle of religion Central. Tennessee is world headquarters for good music and soul saving. Not to mention terrific bbq.
Your world will change when you come out! You can do it but not without issues. Take in some of the personal experiences here at AR. You will learn a lot, as I have, and come to appreciate your new friends.
Anyway, if you are ever in memphis, be sure to eat at least one of your meals at The Rendezous restaurant. Tennessee's best bbq. You will not be disappointed!
@SpecialK Re: "How do you cope and not feel lonely or like you are missing out? I refuse to pretend to believe something I don't just to fit in."
Howdy again, Miss K. I meant to address this in my first welcoming post to you, but I was short on time. So, here goes....
Don't know if this will help you, but it is something interesting (and surprising) I have discovered about myself over the past few months since I finally pulled completely away from religion. Namely, it is that religion no longer bothers me. Aside from some of the extreme nut jobs who try to shove their respective religions down our throats and into our governments, I now find the whole concept of worship, prayer, and all the other yadda-yadda-yadda considerably amusing. You see, for a vast majority of my life, I have always been very uncomfortable around anybody and anything related to religion. It always made me feel very uneasy and insecure to be in a religious setting/ceremony or to discuss religion in any way. Despite being raised in a fairly strong Christian environment, all the preaching and the things we were taught in Sunday school never made any sense to me, even when I was as young as eight and nine years old. However, having been raised to be an obedient and respectful child, I didn't question very much and I trusted that my elders were leading me down the right path. (Besides, even if I did ask questions, the answers were never very satisfying.)
So, fast forward to adulthood where I am far more educated and experienced in life and living on my own and making my own way in the world. At that point, religion in general made even LESS sense than it did when I was a kid. Unfortunately, my indoctrination by then was such that the concept of, "If you question God and the Bible you are WRONG. It is the Devil trying to mislead you," and, "You will go to hell if you do not believe," had been made into a solid fixture in my psyche. Therefore, I ended up spending many, many years believing "just in case." (It was only after joining this site that I learned that is called Pascal's Wager.) In other words, I was straddling a very uncomfortable fence all those years, and to be around anything religious or have somebody question me about my beliefs made me have to face my indecision and uncertainties. In my mind I was playing with a double-edged sword. To admit my lack of belief was wrong, and to live a lie by pretending to believe was wrong. For that reason, I avoided any contact with or discussion about religion like the plague.
Today, however...? Shoot, bring it on!... *chuckle*... Somebody tells me, "I'll pray for you." I will just smile and tell them, "Thank you." But inside my mind I am secretly amused and shaking my head in wonderment. Some say it simply out of reflex and conditioning, whereas others say it sincerely in an attempt to show they care. Either way, it does not bother me at all. Attend a funeral with a dominant Christian ceremony? Hey, no problemo! I will respectively bow my head with all others during prayers; I will help console the grieving in a sincere and honest manner; and I will patiently listen to all the standard and patent religious clichés that get tossed about at such events. And the entire time I am TOTALLY AT EASE and relaxed with myself. Visiting with friends and family who want to pray before dinner? No biggie for me. Just a few extra seconds of delay before eating, as far as I am concerned. Nothing for me to get all torqued over. And, again, I am usually just chuckling to myself in my head, anyway.
Bottom line is, since I am no longer straddling that fence, I now have more confidence and am more free in my mind than I have ever been in my life. It is as though I have removed a pair of smudged and dirty glasses from my eyes, and now I can see more clearly than I ever have before. And it is a most fantastic feeling, and it has made me a much happier man. And here is something that is going to sound REALLY strange, but I have noticed lately that being around religious settings/people somehow makes me feel "happy". Weird, right? And if I were to speculate, I would guess it is because being around them reminds me just how much I am no longer brainwashed by all the nonsense. For waaaaay too many years of my life I walked around every single day with the horrible nagging thought of, "What if I am not good enough for God and heaven and I get sent to hell?" In some form or fashion, that was ALWAYS there in my head, even though none of it ever really made much sense to me. Now that has totally disappeared. Gone. No longer a problem. And I see the faithful still holding on to their beliefs like a ragged comforting teddy bear trying to keep Satan at bay, and I can see so clearly how they are tormented with that same dismal thought that terrorized my mind for so many years. Sure, I may get a little sad for them and have a mild feeling of pity for them, but overall I am just happy it is no longer a problem for me.
So, when you start getting frustrated with all the praying and other such Christian activities that are happening around you, try to remember this one thing: YOU are more aware of and more in touch with reality than ANY of them. In my mind, that is a reason to rejoice and be happy. You are no longer a sheep huddled within the flock just going with the flow with your head down munching on the grass and unaware of your surroundings. You are independent and able to cope with reality on your own terms, as opposed to mindlessly relying on some imaginary Sky Fairy to bail you out and give you an excuse to be irresponsible. Take pride and satisfaction in that. Hope this helps.
Thanks for your insight - I feel comfortable since I've really had this approach my whole adult life, but I do have to avoid eye-rolling in public and with coworkers and some friends (and family). My problem is meeting new people, both for friendship and dating. Friendship is easier - I don't care, just don't get preachy. I have a lot of good acquaintances in this bucket. Dating is a lot harder. If I'm upfront, honestly I get very few replies. If I shrug and make it a non-issue, I eventually get into a religious discussion because after all, politics, religion et al must be discussed with potential life partners, even if both agree to disagree. One fellow got into a debate about the moral upbringing of girls with me - because that puritanical approach really works. I do avoid profiles that reference putting god first, country second, etc. or that list the Bible as the most important book or last book they read. But the undercurrent of religion does become a problem a lot of the time. I was wondering if anyone else had these experiences. It's so hard to hide the snark sometimes!
@SpecialK Re: "It's so hard to hide the snark sometimes!"
Yeah, I know what you mean. Many a time I've had to turn away from somebody to hide my eye-rolling or to keep from laughing in their face. lol
Dating is no problem at all. My last girlfriend was a devout Christian who visited the magic people on Sundays. My current girlfriend is a Catholic. Being up front and honest is not the issue here, as I see it. It really is about how you express your atheism. People want to be liked, loved and accepted. I'm serious about this. It's all a matter of how atheism is expressed. You can disbelieve in the religion and still have love and respect for the person.
Admittedly, my GF tend to move away from the church after a few years. I get e-mail, like "I know you don't believe this.... and onward." The reply I gave the other day was something like "Yes, you are right, I do not believe in magic. But I believe you are a wonderful person who wants to do helpful things in the world and be a good person."
In short; I don't think it is the atheism but possibly how it is being presented. (Avoid the "You're wrong assertions at every turn and talk about belief and religion only when it comes up. Listen and ask questions, make very few assertions.)
Half the people on this site are not going to believe I said this stuff. Ha ha ha.... Seriously though. It may be how you are expressing atheism and not the atheism itself. Most people want to love and be loved.
@SpecialK Original Post
Welcome to the boards! This is oftentimes a great place for atheist to be among like minds and discuss such topics.
Even within the bible belt there is pockets where religion is not all encompassing. You will find it in the larger cities that feature high tech, and within large college towns where the college does not rely heavily on the various faith financing, like large endowments from church or highly religious people. A little bit more homework, but you may be able to find such a city somewhat near where you currently live and can move closer and seek possible date prospects from those towns that are more likely to be of like mind on religion, or at least, not so oppressively religious. A fair amount of my family is religious, but the topic only rarely comes up, and there is no expectation of going to church every sunday.
Downtown Atlanta would definitely be one of those places off the top of my head. I do not know if you count Texas as part of the bible belt, but San Antonio and Austin have huge atheist/agnostic communities, and the the default majority is "None" or: "don't really care I just say I am christian to make my racist grandmother happy" type people.
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@ SpecialK
In the Bible Belt huh? I grew up in the worst part of it: SENCland (South Eastern North Carolina land). For me, it was a blessing that I got a job out west and moved away from sorry ass nasty Bible Belt. My problem is that I was abused, badly, during the seven years I was forced to attend church. And get this, back when I still had to chase Tyrannosaurs from me backyard, North Carolina actually had state laws making it legal for any "classroom" setting to use corporal punishment (physical abuse) to discipline disruptive students. And boy did I get an ass-whooping from the Pastor every Sunday. Most of the time, I'd get a second one from me mom. Way back then, the churches definitely did NOT tolerate any form of disruptive behavior, especially from a "godless heathen" child.
Oh, if the Religious Absolutists in SENCland were REALLY nice, they would call you a "rationalist." If they were just nice or indifferent, they would call you a "doubter" or "unbeliever." However, most often, they always referred to atheists as either "godless heathens" or "satanic pagans." In fact, the name/word "atheist" was not even heard in that area until the late 80s.
And to top it off, the Baptist Religious Absolutists still hold so much power in North Carolina that you will not hear of any stories of abuse by the churches in North Carolina. Hell, I was physically abused, psychologically terrorized, publicly humiliated, even raped, molested, and sometimes beaten unconscious by the "Christian" children. And my question is always, "What the Hell is wrong with you Christians and this fascination with raping, molesting, beating, and humiliating children?"
Basically, I feel for you SpecialK. Being in the Baptist Bible Belt ain't exactly the best to be an atheist. Especially North Carolina. Unless you live near Charlotte, Cary, Raleigh, Morrisville where a lot of Yankee atheists have been moving to in the last twenty years. Get outside those cities by only a 3 or 4 kilometers, and you are in Christian Hell. Oh, I have heard that Wilmington area has had a large influx of atheists. Actually used to live south of Wilmington with me family.
Then again, it would depend heavily on your location as to whether it is good or bad to be atheist. Me sister just recently moved to near Wilmington and said I would love to live where she is since it is almost nothing but the "Nones" living there. Nones = no religion or atheist.
So, I shall send me best on finding people near you of like rationality.
And welcome to our little corner of godless heathen and satanic pagan hell.
rmfr
Thanks arakish - fortunately I'm a transplant from a child - my parents (mother-initiated) took us to a random Southern Baptist church we were invited to after moving south and the minister preached such hellfire and brimstone my sister was heaving with tears of fear just sure she was going to hell. We never went to any church after that. So I COMPLETELY get where you are coming from.