Start Your Own Bible story. Everyone add a sentence.

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Cognostic's picture
Start Your Own Bible story. Everyone add a sentence.

One day God was walking along in the garden, feeling not so special because since the invention of the computer everyone was watching everyone do everything, when he came across a Tin Man.

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David Killens's picture
"Ah hah" said God, "so this

"Ah hah" said God, "so this is one of these new inventions created by men", as he bent over to press the POWER button.

Cognostic's picture
The Tin Man shook, sputtered,

The Tin Man shook, sputtered, and a puff of foul smelling pea-green gas shot from its anal orifice staining God's clean white robe.

David Killens's picture
God rose up in all his fury,

God rose up in all his fury, and called for one of his angels to bring a new robe, and inform Lucifer that he had more dirty laundry for the Holy Washing Machine.

Cognostic's picture
Lucifer flew down in a huff,

Lucifer flew down in a huff, snatched the filthy garment from God's green stained finger, and mumbled under his breath, "One day I am going to blow this hot dog stand."

Tin-Man's picture
Once he was powered up and a

Once he was powered up and a full systems check was completed, the Tin-Man opened his eyes, and yelled loudly, "Haaaaaaappy birthdaaaaaay!"

Qu@si's picture
then lucifer heard tin man

then lucifer heard tin man shouting "happy birthday!!!".....lucy immediately ask god...."really?and you didn't even invited me?"

Tin-Man's picture
Then the Tin-Man blinked

Then the Tin-Man blinked rapidly a few times and looked toward god and asked, "Hey - you - albino Jerry Garcia, where the hell is the shitter around here, man? And why the hell are your fingers green?"

David Killens's picture
God flew into a rage, his

God flew into a rage, his eyes became the flames of hell, lightning danced on his fingertips, but when he went to cast a lightning bolt, all he did was fart.

Tin-Man's picture
While coughing and gagging

While coughing and gagging and fanning his hand in front of his face, Tin-Man turned to Satan and said, "Dude, let's get out of here! Oh, you're bringing the drinks to the party, right?"

NewSkeptic's picture
Satan flashed his sinister

Satan flashed his sinister smile and said "Of course I am, tequila straight up. It should help the big man clean out those nasty intestines.”

Qu@si's picture
then satan ask to himself,

then satan ask to himself, can a tin-man be in heaven or hell?....where do bio electronic life form go if it dies??
satan just shrug and carries box of booze while catching up to tin-man yelling "coming mom..!!!"

David Killens's picture
Tin Man and Lucifer had to

Tin Man and Lucifer had to stop off at the laundry first, and when Lucifer opened the door and Tin Man's eyes fell on the shiny Holy Washing Machine, he felt a tinge of lust and love.

Cognostic's picture
What happened next is XXX

What happened next is XXX rated and could not be presented on this forum without resulting in banishment but it was ugly, very very ugly and involved a whole lot of cursing, flying electrical cords and the words "Take that Bch" over and over and over.

Old man shouts at clouds's picture
Opening the door of the

Opening the door of the Washing Machine Tin Man was sore afraid and Lo! he cast his eyes upon one Leviticus, a lawyer who was folding his washed robes from the dryer while he attendeth his washing. He commandeth the Leviticus to look at the washing in the machine : "Abomination" cried the Tin Man for you have mixed fabrics an colors in one wash! You are for ever cursed" And Leviticus the lawyer was sore ashamed in the sight of the Lord.

Cognostic's picture
That was of course after

That was of course after smoking a cigarette and downing a shot of tequila. He then ripped out the Leviticus Lawyer's eyes and cut off his hands in accordance with scripture (If your eyes or hands offend thee, cut them off.) and then he smiled up at God who was standing in the doorway witnessing all.

Cognostic's picture
That was of course after

Double. Post

Tin-Man's picture
And god looked upon Tin-Man

And god looked upon Tin-Man with great amusement and adornment while wiping a tear from his eye while saying, "Oh, how wonderful! A robot after my own heart." It was then that Tin-Man turned to Satan and asked, "Oh, hey, Luci ol' boy, I almost forgot. Did you remember to retract that protection order you filed against me? I don't want to get to your place and have the cops show up to haul me away.....AGAIN."

Cognostic's picture
Luci Boy replied, "Hell no.

Luci Boy replied, "Hell no. I thought we'd pop out the back when the cops showed up, hop on the dirt bikes, and give them a run for their money about the town. As soon as you get to my place, I'm gonna call them."

Tin-Man's picture
To which Tin-Man stated,

To which Tin-Man stated, "Really? What the hell, dude? Have you lost your damn mind? How many times do I have to tell you? DO NOT call the cops immediately! Sheesh you are dense sometimes. Always wait until AFTER we've had a few drinks. You know how I hate running from the cops while sober. Besides, I want a chance to make sure my bike is filled up. Thanks to you we didn't even make it five miles last time before running out of gas."

Cognostic's picture
To which Luci Boy replied,

To which Luci Boy replied, "But look, I have this baggie full of bath salts." Hell, I'm not even sure we are going to make it back to my place. Why don't we just call the cops now?"

Tin-Man's picture
And, lo, God did then grab

And, lo, God did then grab Lucifer and Tin-Man by the scruff of their necks. And lifting them from off the ground so as to have their feet dangling below them, God then said unto them, "No way, boys! Thou shalt not calleth the cops at this moment! For I the Lord thy God shall go unto Satan's place with thee, so as to make sure both of you surly pass through the gates of Hell!... And, besides, Luci Boy, I have forgotten my personal gate code again, and your damn demon guards always give me a tough time with the whole ID'ing and security check routine. One of the little bastards even poked my butt with his pitchfork last time. Plus, I hear you have Ray Comfort there and that he will be wearing a tutu while eating a banana. I really don't want to miss that."

Cognostic's picture
And so they found themselves

And so they found themselves at the Gates of hell. God fking with the damn code that he could not remember, Ray dipping his banana in the bath salts and sucking on it, Tin Man playing with his Cogs. (Wait, that sounds bad.) Tin Man playing with his gears. The demons getting impatient with God. And Luci Boy, bounding up and down, telling God to hurry, as he had to get to a toilet NOW!

Tin-Man's picture
As expected, however, God

As expected, however, God entered the wrong pass code one too many times and totally locked up the system.....(AGAIN). Tech support had to be called to the front gate to fix the problem....(AGAIN). Meanwhile, Satan unleashed a most unholy stream of diarrhea into his pants, totally ruining his two thousand dollars Brooks Brothers suit pants. This caused Tin-Man to start laughing hysterically, which then caused him to accidentally sprayed oil all over the exposed security code keypad circuits because he had been playing with his gears. Of course, THAT caused a short circuit in the wiring, thus even more delays as the Tech crew frantically fought to put out the electrical fire. And all the while God was backed into a corner by the demon security guards who were taking turns poking him with pitchforks, as Ray sang "Mary Had A Little Lamb" and started shoving pieces of banana up his ass. All things considered, the evening was getting off to a great start!

Terminal Dogma's picture
Then I sayeth unto you I am

Then I sayeth unto you I am term Dog one true God he who is which greater than all greatness the Alpha and even more Alpha again bow down before me you warts on a swine's ass.

Cognostic's picture
God looked at Ray after Ray

God looked at Ray after Ray said that. God's face turned red, and he went into full Wrath of God Mode. God raised his hands, lightening bolts shot out of his fingers, he parted Ray's cheeks and planted one sandal laden foot right up Rays behind as he said, "No ray, I sayeth unto you, I am the one True God, greater than greatness, Alpha and more Alpha, Bow Down before me you wart. And give me back my foot."

Terminal Dogma's picture
My sandals are more biggeth

My sandals are more biggeth than yours you crust on the end of a donkey's schlong. Repent before me or receiveth thine smite.

Cognostic's picture
"But God," shouted Ray, "I am

"But God," shouted Ray, "I am repentant. I am the banana man." Then he loosened his butt cheeks and god's slimy brown foot slid out.

Tin-Man's picture
And so it came to pass the

And so it came to pass the Gates of Hell did finally open, with the Tech Team e-billing God for the damages. Then Satan did lead the group inside where he immediately proceeded to remove his foul-stained attire and don one of his favorite four thousand dollar Armani suits. At the same time, God was busy trying to evade the hell hounds Barghest and Black Shuck who were constantly following him and trying to lick his soiled foot. Naturally, Tin-Man went straight to the bar, downed three shots of tequila, grabbed a beer, and headed out back to fill the dirt bikes with gas.

Cognostic's picture
He had just stepped out of

He had just stepped out of the door with the beer to his lips and beginning to feel the warm buzz of tequila when he hear the words, "Have you heard of the other book of Jesus Christ. "

"Holy shit, It's the Mormons" he thought. "What in the hell are you guys doing in hell? " Well, we were just in the neighborhood and wondering if we could say a prayer for you."

Tin Man looked back through the open door at God and Luci Boy. They looked at each other and in unison exclaimed... "Well, THIS IS HELL." Luci Boy smiled, "God just ships them down to me and I torture them by making them knock on doors for all eternity. Then I torture everyone else by making them listen to the damn Mormons knocking on doors for all eternity. It's a win win situation.

Tin-Man's picture
It was at that very moment

It was at that very moment God's cell phone started ringing...*"My Milkshake" ringtone blares from beneath God's robe*.... After briefly fumbling for his phone, God finds it and answers, "Yeah, Gabe? What's up?.......... What the hell is HE doing there?..... Well tell him I'm busy and will see him tomorrow........ Oh, dear Lord, NO! Do NOT tell him I'm down here with Luci!...... I don't care. Just make up something..........Right...... Sure, whatever........Okay, thanks. Later, dude. Oh, wait! While I have you on the line, do me a solid, would ya? Could you zip down and catch Abraham real quick and tell him I've changed my mind about that thing with his son?....... Righteous! And, uh, you might want to hurry. Last time I saw them they were almost at the top of the hill..... Cool, Gabe! Thanks."

After ending the call, God turned to Satan and said, "That was Gabriel letting me know Job was there wanting to thank me in person for all the great stuff I do for him." God then chuckles to himself. At the same time, Satan's jaw hits the floor, and he exclaims, "Seriously? After all the shit you allowed me to do to him? What the fuck???"

God starts laughing and tells Satan, "I know, right? The gullibility of some people never ceases to amaze me!" Everbody starts laughing at that point. After a few seconds, God starts wiping the tears from his eyes with his robe sleeve. He then looks around and says, "Woooo, boy. That was a good one. Now where's that tequila?"

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