Start Your Own Bible story. Everyone add a sentence.

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NewSkeptic's picture
At that moment, in that place

At that moment, in that place, the full vision of hell was complete. Needle hit groove and 12 year old Donny Osmond filled the kingdom of hell with his unimaginably syrupy version of "Puppy Love". Even Lucifer cringed. The Mormons knelt to pray only to shriek in agony and they began to blasphemy Joseph Smith and their Mormon belief in large families.

Sapporo's picture
Then Tin-Man begat Tin-Man 2;

Then Tin-Man begat Tin-Man 2; who begat Tin-Man 3; who begat Tin-Man 4; and the Lord did exclaim, "Christ, where did all this fecund fornicators come from?"

Cognostic's picture
There was a rumble in the

There was a rumble in the clouds at that moment that caused everyone to look up,. In unison the crowd exclaimed "Zeus you ass." God pipped up, "What in the hell are we going to do with all these Tin Men?" Luci Boy offered, "We can turn them all into ash trays." "Good idea," said God, then he waggled his fingers and "POOF" seven new shiny ashtrays appeared in front of the kneeling Mormons.

Tin-Man's picture
Ironically, everybody was in

Ironically, everybody was in the "Non-smoking" area of Hell at that moment. Therefore, the Mormons were ordered to take all the ash trays to the designated smoking area. Too bad for them, because the designated smoking area happens to be strategically and purposefully located all the way on the other side of Hell. Even worse, the exit to the smoking area is actually just a mirage that, once within view, never seems to get any closer, no matter how long the individual walks toward it. (Hey, it's HELL, remember?)

Anyway, as the Mormons were leaving with the ashtrays, Zeus appeared beside God and slapped him on the back. "How the hell ya been, Big Daddy?", asked Zeus. "I really had you guys going with all those Tin-Men, didn't I?"....*roaring laughter*... And Zeus slaps God on the back again. "Boy, you should have seen the look on your face! You didn't know whether to shit or giggle! Good thing you had ol' Cloven Foot here with you to actually make a decision!"....*more roaring laughter*.....Zeus sticks out his hand toward Satan. "How ya been doin', Luci-goosie?" As Satan reaches out to shake the hand of Zeus, Tin-Man walks out of the bathroom while buttoning up his pants, looks around in a quizzical manner and asks, "Uh, hey guys, did I miss something?" He then looks to Satan and asks, "Oh, by the way, who was playing "Puppy Love"? I love that song!"

Cognostic's picture
"Puppy Love? Oh that would

"Puppy Love? Oh that would have been Donny O. This is hell. That song was so bad when Donny got here his punishment was to play it over and over and over again for all eternity. Someone must have opened the door to his room and let the sound out. I hate when that happens. It makes me cringe." replied Luci Boy.

And God began singing...
"And they called it puppy love
Oh, I guess they'll never know
How a young heart really feels
And why I love her so

"Stop stop! You are killing me!" Cried Lucy boy"
Then Zeus put an arm over God's shoulders and chimed in...

"And they called it puppy love
Just because we're in our teens
Tell them all, please tell them it isn't fair
To take away my only dream."

"Stop, Stop, Cried Luci Boy. I can't stand it."
Tin man joined the chorus...

"And they called it puppy love
Just because we're in our teens
Tell them all, please tell them it isn't fair
To take away my only dream"

"AAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH" Cried Satan, "I'm melting, I'm melting"

"I cry each night my tears for you
My tears are all in vain
I'll hope and I'll pray that maybe someday
You'll be back in my arms once again"

And by the time God, Zeus and Tin Man finished the last verse..

" Someone, help me, help me, help me please
Is the answer up above
How can I, oh how can I tell them
This is not a puppy love, not a puppy love"

Satan was just a puddle of green bubbling ooze on the rocky floor.

Tin-Man's picture
"Awww... That was beautiful,

"Awww... That was beautiful, guys," said Tin-Man as he wiped tears from his eyes. God and Zeus were also a bit choked up, and struggled to regain their composure. After taking a few deep breaths to hold back the sobbing, Tin-Man look around confusedly and asked, "Hey, where did Luci go? He was just right here."

Suddenly, from behind Tin-Man, God yelled, "Son of a-.....! Aw, man! I just got this shoe clean! Dammit!.. Well, at least I think I found ol' Luci Boy, anyway." Everybody glanced down at the puddle of green goo in which God had just stepped.

Zeus chimed in, "Well.... That's unfortunate."

God waved his hand dismissively, "Oh, pay no attention to him. Luci is just being his usual drama-queen self. The little prima donna acts as though he is starved for attention or something." God rolls his eyes. "Just ignore him, and he'll be back in a moment." God hops away toward the washroom on one foot to go clean his shoe.

Cognostic's picture
About that time Luci Boy

About that time Luci Boy reanimated himself. The green goo began to grow and grow, It took form and there was Luci Boy just standing there minus a nose and his left eye. "Hey, what happened to your nose." Asked Zeus. "And where is your nose." asked Tin man. Luci Boy looked around him at the ground, "They should be around here someplace. Hey where are they." "Perhaps that was the stuff stuck to God's sandal." said Tin Man. "Oh no" cried Luci Boy, and he raced after god to the bathroom. He entered the room just in time to hear the toilet flush.

Tin-Man's picture
Upon hearing Satan enter the

Upon hearing Satan enter the bathroom, God started turning away from the toilet toward the door while exclaiming, "Holy shit! Doesn't anybody knock around here? Can't a guy take a pis-..... Jesus! What the hell happened to your nose and eye???" God's eyes were wide with shock as he stared at Satan.

As Satan looked sadly at the toilet, he replied, "Uh, I think you just flushed them down the toilet. And, please, stop calling me Jesus."

Cognostic's picture
"Well, why don't you just hop

"Well, why don't you just hop in there after them," exclaimed God. "I ain't going down no toilet" retorted Satan. "Why not?" asked God. "You can't be serious! Are you an idiot!" Satan began to yell.

Just then God broke into a chorus of "Puppy Love" by Donny O.

"And they called it puppy love
Oh, I guess they'll never know
How a young heart really feels
And why I love her so

"Stop stop! You are killing me!" Cried Lucy boy"
Then Zeus heard the tune and came running into the bathroom singing at the top of his lungs with ice cold beers in his hand. Handing one to go they sane in chorus...

"And they called it puppy love
Just because we're in our teens
Tell them all, please tell them it isn't fair
To take away my only dream."

"Stop, Stop, Cried Luci Boy. I can't stand it."
Tin man stuck his head in the bathroom and joined the chorus...

"And they called it puppy love
Just because we're in our teens
Tell them all, please tell them it isn't fair
To take away my only dream"

"AAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH" Cried Satan, "I'm melting, I'm melting"

"I cry each night my tears for you
My tears are all in vain
I'll hope and I'll pray that maybe someday
You'll be back in my arms once again"

And by the time God, Zeus and Tin Man finished the last verse..

" Someone, help me, help me, help me please
Is the answer up above
How can I, oh how can I tell them
This is not a puppy love, not a puppy love"

Satan was just a puddle of green bubbling ooze on the rocky floor. "Tin Man" said god "give me your hat. Tin man gave the hat to god who bent and scooped up all the green slime and dumped it into the toilet. "Zeus my boy, would you like to do the honors." asked God. "Let's all do it together." said Zeus. At that, Tin Man, Zeus and God, put their hands on the flushing handle and pushed!

Tin-Man's picture
"So, how long you think it

"So, how long you think it will take him to get everything back together?" asked Tin-Man as he rinsed out his hat.

God takes a long drink of his beer and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. "Buuurrrrrrrrrp! Ahhhh.... I needed that. Thanks, Zeus." Turning to Tin-Man, God answers nonchalantly, "Oh, usually it takes him only an hour or so, depending on whether or not Elvis used the shitter first or not. Regardless, we have some time to kill. Any ideas?"

Zeus (who has started primping in front of the mirror) looks over his shoulder toward God and says, "Hey, we could always call up Mohammed and have him bring over some women."

"Oh, hell no!" exclaimed God. "You know as well as I do that sleaze ball never brings WOMEN. Last time he brought "women" with him I ended up having to help one with her ABC's homework. I ain't touching any of the jailbait that perve-brain has to offer."

"Prude!" said Zeus, as he turned back toward the mirror to continue primping.

Sapporo's picture
The Mormons entered the Ark

The Mormons entered the Ark two by two.

Cognostic's picture
"Who said that?" said Tin Man

"Who said that?" said Tin Man startled. The voice came again, The Mormons entered the Ark two by two." "I know that voice said God. It's the Mormon God. That guy who lives on Golob."
The non-corporal voice of the Mormon God spoke to the small group. "So you boys are looking for some women? If you drop to your knees and worship me, I will give you your own planet with 20 women each. And you will be free to fornicate and populate your own planet."

Tin-Man's picture
"Hey, Mormon god dude!" Tin

"Hey, Mormon god dude!" Tin-Man yelled into the sky, "How much to just rent one of those planets for a few hours? Can't speak for the others, but I know I'm not interested in populating any planets, much less managing one."

"Yeah, I've already got my own planet to run. Sure as hell don't need or want another one, " said God. "Shit, I even sent my son down there to help square away all those idiots. A lot of damn good THAT did, though. All they did was beat the shit out of him and then nail his skinny ass to a cross. I was almost tempted to just say, 'Fuck it,' and flood the whole place again."

Cognostic's picture
The butt hurt Mormon god said

The butt hurt Mormon god said nothing more, and to this very day he can be found sitting in isolation on his little rock he calls a planet in the Golob system.

"That was fucking weird," said Tin man.

Tin-Man's picture
Zeus looks away from the

Zeus looks away from the mirror for a moment and says to Tin-Man, "Hmph! That's nothin'. If you think THAT guy is weird, then you obviously have never met L. Ron Hubbard. That freakazoid even makes Jack Nicholson look sane."

About that time, the deeply distinctive voice of James Earl Jones blares out over the PA speakers. "ATTENTION! MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE? TIN-MAN, GOD, AND ZEUS REPORT TO SATAN'S OFFICE IMMEDIATELY!"

Tin-Man looks sad and perplexed, and asks God, "What the...? Hey, why is James Earl Jones down here? What did he ever do wrong?"

God waves his hand dismissively and laughs, "Oh, don't worry. He isn't down here. He is all nice and comfy up at my place. We just have a direct line run down to here for him to be able to make announcements like that. Luci thinks it gives his place a touch of class."

Tin-Man looks relieved, but then gets worried. "So, I wonder why we've been summoned? Sounds serious."

God shakes his head. "Nah. Not likely. Probably just Luci Boy's usual dramatics. Hey, Zeus! Drag your gorgeous ass away from that mirror and grab that bottle of tequila. We're headed for Flame Boy's office."

David Killens's picture
And as they staggered into

And as they staggered into the office, Satan looked up and pointed at a chair in the corner. With a weary voice he said, "look at who just arrived". Their eyes turned, and God himself retorted, "shit, not him, oh geez, not William Lane Craig".

Cognostic's picture
God started laughing and then

God started laughing and then sang a verse from an old Jerry Reed Song, "I got the gold mine and you got the shaft."

"What in the hell you talking about God. Why in the hell is he here. He's your problem." whined Satan.

"No," said God, "have you ever heard of Divine Hiddenness? I pompously hid my self from humans so as not to interfere with their free will. Every time Willy Boy over there said that I was existent, he lied. There was no way he could have ever known that. People who tell lies burn in hell. HA HA HA HA HA ... He is here because he is your problem, not mine. You think I want to listen to his pedantic ass for all eternity? Hell NO! You got him and he is yours."

"That's now fair," whined Willy Boy, "Lord did I not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?"

And god responded, Many have said to Me, ‘Lord, Lord, did I not prophesy in your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many miracles?’ Ha ha ha . I tell them plainly, the same thing I am telling you, I never knew you; depart from Me, you pedantic, whiny worker of lawlessness.’…"

Then turning to Satan "He's yours and I never what to see his stupid face again."

David Killens's picture
"No no no" said Satan, "that

"No no no" said Satan, "that's against the rules. He followed all of them, he should be your problem". "Nope nope nope" said God, "no way, with him in heaven, it just wouldn't be a nice place. He's yours". "Nuh huh" said Satan, "no way".

Meanwhile Tin Man is swaying in the background, and chirped up "Isn't there anything else you guys can do"? "Just one thing" said God, "and I haven't pulled this stunt in over two thousand years".

"What's that?" said Tin Man through bleary eyes?

Resurrection.

Cognostic's picture
YEA! "Satan Shouted" You

YEA! "Satan Shouted" You could resurrect ole Billy Boy over there. Please, please, please pleeeese pleeeeeese pleeeeeeese pleeeeeeeeese!"

"Wellllll" said God, I suppose......... I could resurrect him if you agree to take Ken Hamm when he dies."

"What!"

"You heard me. That's the deal."

"But isn't Ken going to hell for the same thing Craig went to hell for?"

"Yep." said God, "but this way it is a sure thing. After all, once that stupid ark adventure fails Ken might actually straighten out and fly right. I sure wouldn't want that to happen. So if you agree to take him no matter what, I will resurrect ole Billy boy. "

Satan was silent with contemplation and then said, "I'll agree if I can do to him what I did to Job."

"Agreed" said god.

They shook hands and Billy boy vanished in a puff of smoke.

Tin-Man's picture
"Seriously, guys??? You just

"Seriously, guys??? You just sent that dillweed yacker back up to Earth?" cried Tin-Man.

God turned to Tin-Man and started laughing, "Oh, don't get too upset, Metal Head. Did I mention that I sent him to an isolated outpost in Siberia? Oh, and it is manned by an old Russian atheist who listens only to punk rock music. Plus, Luci Boy here gets to have his fun, remember?"

"Oh. Well, I guess that's okay, then," said Tin-Man. Turning to Satan, Tin-Man says, "So, good to have you back, Luci. Looking pretty good, all things considered. By the way, what took you so long?"

In a grumpy and agitated tone, Satan replied, "Yeah, about that. You sorry bastards! It was bad enough that Elvis had used the shitter just a few minutes earlier. But to make matters even worse, yesterday was Taco Tuesday! I hate all three of you!"

Naturally, this caused God, Zeus, and Tin-Man to immediately burst into an uproaring fit of laughter to such a degree that all three of them were rolling on the floor holding their guts with tears streaming from their eyes...

Cognostic's picture
Just then there was a knock

Just then there was a knock at the door. Tin Man, side aching from the laughter, managed to raise a hand to the knob, turn it, and swing the door open before falling to the floor again in laughter.

The door swung slowly open and as it did a puff of smoke rolled into the room. The smoke caught the attention of the three rolling on the floor and the laughter stopped. The door continued its slow swing. And there, beyond the threshold, gazing into the room, faces blackened, clothing burned, tatted and smoking, smoldering hair and eyebrows that were half burned off, missing their shoes, smelling like toasted marshmallows, stood the Mormons. "We delivered the ash treys." said the taller one as a puff of smoke rose from his mouth."

In unison God, Tin Man and Luci Boy pointed a finger at the Mormons, rolled on their backs and roared with laughter. Tin Man hit his head on the toilet and that made a loud sound like "Gonggggggg." To the three already laughing the gong was like shouting "TA DAAA." All three of them were holding their sides and there seemed there would be no end to the pain. That only made them laugh more.

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