Hey everyone. So I'm super new here (just found the site today) so sorry for any mistakes, I'm just looking for some advice, maybe someone's experienced this before?
So like the title says, I'm still young (20) and I'm in my first relationship. He and I have been together for 2 years now. He's somewhat religious (he seems to change his mind on that a lot, but still defends the Christian Bible and God pretty intensely, but that's a whole other set of problems). So, I knew that we could butt heads over this issue but we were both open and accepting and I thought any conversations would be respectful. Well, there's one person involved who hasn't been respectful, and that's his mother.
After I'd been with him for about 3 months, she asked about my religious views. He told her I'm an atheist and she immediately started questioning our relationship, hinting he should dump me, etc. For some reason, he told me this and his mom has made me uncomfortable ever since. For some quick background, I've been hurt by Christians again and again, so for her to jump to the conclusion that I'm not good enough to date after interacting with me a handful of times, only knowing that I'm atheist, I felt completely disrespected. I kept my distance from her as much as possible, but I was polite.
About a month ago, he told me that his mom wanted me to interact with her more. I expressed to him that I didn't see why. As far as I'm concerned, she put me into a box from the start, and now she's backtracking because he and I are still together. It feels so incredibly fake to me. She's never apologized for being so bigoted, never done anything to seem remorseful, and he always takes her side. His solution is to tell me "suck it up and swallow your pride, you have to talk to her." He's never admitted that what she said was hurtful, even though he knew how anxious religious people make me, since I've been burned so many times before.
On one hand, I'm sick of fighting with him over his mother. On the other, I'm sick of him trying to dictate my adult relationships. To keep the peace I tried talking to her more but we're very different. I like video games, anime, MtG, our interests don't match. But apparently, the chit chat wasn't good enough for him and he told me I need to try harder. He also knows I have problems with social anxiety so interacting with someone who I already know doesn't like me makes me just want to hide. I just don't know what to do at this point. I didn't think my lack of religious beliefs would've led to all this.
Sorry for the huge ramble, and yes I wrote this on my phone so my autocorrect may have butchered something. Thanks to anyone who gets through this and has any advice.
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Being 16 lall I have to say is: Religious people will do as religious people have always done. They don't change. They don't "adapt" to others. They say "I'm going to be this bigoted person that I am, and if you don't like it, you can go Strait to hell with your immoral ass." There is no way to get them to see your point of view. I've had so many fights with my family that I needed up living with my uncle specifically to AVOID them. Hoping to change their views or to make them adapt to you, or to stop discriminating you will only end in failer. Take it from one who's own family member locked him in a closet and shot him in the leg for being atheist.
First of all, I'm so sorry that happened to you Random One. I'm used to all the stories of kids being threatened to get kicked out of their homes (and I lived that one) but nothing that psychotic.
And yeah, you have a point. One thing that sticks out to me is how my boyfriend told me recently he "can't try to change my view on religion due to a few stupid people in my past" and that just sounds so... Condescending to me. Maybe his mom should change her view on atheists, no?
That would be the best thing, but it's unlikely. You have a better chance of lightning striking you, winning the lottery, and having a shark through a fridge at you at the same time.
Cassiopeia - "told me recently he "can't try to change my view on religion due to a few stupid people in my past" and that just sounds so... Condescending to me."
I feel a little awkward commenting on your boyfriend, but here goes:
Yeah, that sounds condescending. Image if any other subject was dealt with that way.
Example: "I can't try to change/teach you how to add properly because some people taught you wrong a while back".
In his defence: I've found (and I'm sure you have experienced this as well) that those of a religious mindset get desperate sometimes and will accept almost idea---no matter how ludicrous---to maintain their world view. So perhaps this condescension is just desperation in disguise.
His mothers religion aside , how are you going to cope with his religious views? Does he agree with his mother that you need saving? Does he think you are going through a phase and eventually will see the light ? I am not able to give advice in this matter. My questions are from personal experience.
Could it be that he (having been taught this way by his mother) is dating your body but not you? Sounds like they both want to dress you up in the personality, thoughts, behavior that they want without ever considering who you actually are. If this is the case....run.
Nyarlathotep- Heh, sorry for making you feel awkward but I didn't really have anywhere to turn other than the Internet. Everyone I know tries to put a religious spin on it and I needed someone who could see it from the other side.
chimp3- From previous conversations I know that he'd rather I believe in God because "my life has been hard enough already and he doesn't want me to suffer more {in hell}." I've tried to explain to him and I think it worked that I'll likely never change my beliefs but it's like he doesn't really respond when I say that... What I'm confused about with him is that he says he believes in creation and the main tenants of the Bible (aka don't be an ass to people, if you need a book to teach you that...) but he doesn't know if he believes in the God itself. So I'm more inclined to believe that he can accept my views but maybe I misjudged it.
CyberLN- That's what I'm starting to worry about. Because it's like everything's fine until his mom voices her concerns and then all of a sudden I need to change, be more social, just accept everything. I don't understand his arguments about her wanting to keep her family ties strong because I don't consider myself their family and she has 5 days a weeks when I'm not there to see him. I don't see him overly much, of course I aim most of my interest on him when I'm over there instead of on a woman who already pointed out she doesn't agree with me.
Cassiopeia.....
""can't try to change my view on religion due to a few stupid people in my past"
Walk away .........walk away now ......
He sees you as "damaged" this is never going to be a "partnership" ......at best you might become his "project".
Consider what would happen if you become pregnant.......... imagine the conversations with regard to the upbringing of the child....
No........its time to go ...... I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear....but you did ask.
Watchman, that's exactly what I'm worried about at this point. Is it something I can make him understand or is always going to be a fight from now on? I'm seriously considering walking away at this point. If this is just going to repeat itself over and over again, I'm not interested.
No offence, but when you have several people saying "go" and "run" and "walk away", I think the general consensus is clear: this situation that you are in IS going to repeat. It's not a good situation for you to be in, and will ultimately lead to large amounts of frustration. Echoing watchman, I'm sorry if this isn't what you hoped to hear, but it's the answer you get.
Cassiopeia .....
I'm not trying to tell you what to do........ it is your life ...and you must live it your way.......but that must be YOUR way....not his...and certainly not his mothers.....
You said it yourself......"I'm still young (20) and I'm in my first relationship."...
See ... you said "first relationship" ... implying you expect there to be more....and I hope there will be ....
You are only 20 ........ bloody hell....I've got trousers older than that...
Anyway....remember ..... whatever YOU decide will be the right choice......
Hello and welcome (I'm quite new too)!
If you're "seriously considering walking away at this point", it sounds you've already made up your mind. The best decision is your own.
I hate to say it but I think I did already make up my mind, I'm just being trigger shy. But there's always more fish in the sea, and definitely ones with more similar mind sets to myself. Thanks for the input everyone, I'm glad I worked up the nerve to post c:
Well, you got the main course you ordered. I do hope you'll stick around for the after meal tea, and won't walk out of the resteraunt quite yet.
I'm planning on sticking around this website for a while, it's interesting to interact with actual out and out atheists. I seem to only attract religious people in real life...
This is real life too. :-)
I think that just about applies to the lot of us here at AR.
Haha CyberLN, maybe the Internet is a bit better than real life though, there's something for everyone online.
Sir Random, this is why I hate how much atheists have to hide, we can't find each other. And then we go years and years feeling alone.
Well welcome life as an atheist! these good folks have made many great efforts to help you and comfort you but lets take the discussion in a different direction. This is a matter of terminology. If you did indeed too her that you were an atheist she mistook your intentions completely. As a former Christian I can attest the word atheist has VERY different meanings to different people. what she likely understood you to mean is that " I hate God, I am immoral, I reject you, I reject all that is good, and I am evil. This is my position I will hold to and part of my identity" I would approach her In a very different way. Tell you are not an atheist. This is not a lie to her it has a very different meaning to her and is misleading. Then tell her you are an unbeliever and are not sure that God exist. Ensure her that you do not HATE God and that you want to do good things and be a good person. Yes of course she will likely try to convert you but now you have opened up the conversation instead of creating animosity at the very beginning of the conversation. Atheist is a very dangerous word for us as it is usually misunderstood. At later time if appropriate you can tell her that you used the term atheist as to many people it simply means unbeliever.