Teaching God How to Write the Bible

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Greensnake's picture
Teaching God How to Write the Bible

How many times have you heard that the Bible is the divine handiwork of God, without any trace of error? Way too many times, no doubt! What can we say about such people?

1) The person is insane.
2) The person knows nothing about the Bible beyond a few cherry-picked verses. Hence, they see no errors. Usually, they don't read newspapers either.
3) The person doesn't understand what an error actually is. (The authors of hefty tomes defending the Bible fall into this class. They know where the problems are, but errors effectively get defined out of existence via a sophisticated smoke-and-mirrors game. )
4) The person is in deep denial, was raised that way, is embedded in a society of fellow deniers, and consequently is totally blind to error. If a loophole isn't handy, they dig a little deeper into the less probable stuff, and a little deeper, deeper still!, until something turns up. God is inscrutable! Maybe Jesus will pass out the answers in heaven!
5) Some combination of the above.

It occurred to me that mere humans should have given God lessons in writing his Holy Book! Let's rewind the clock. As God sits down to write his Holy Book, a very human adviser from the future is there to help! This Holy Book will be part of a new future in a parallel universe!

1. God, you might start by informally introducing yourself in a friendly way, then take the reader through your Genesis 1 creation account. Begin with the Big Bang, then the galaxies, stars, planets, sun and moon, and Earth. Stay away from that Babylonian flat-earth, 3-layered cake stuff! In your Genesis 2 creation account say that you created men and women from your animal world, thus avoiding the later embarrassment of appearing clueless about biological evolution.
A little mystery is not a bad thing, God. Who said the ancient reader has to understand everything in your book? No need to be coldly scientific either. Forget the equations! Do allow your metaphors to give an uncanny, knowing impression. Think of the billions of recruits you will gather in a later, enlightened age! Surely they are at least as important as the handful of recruits to be collected in this age.

2. Don't forget to number the verses for ease of reference, and do include a table of contents. You could even publish it in book form and get around the clumsiness of scrolls. That would certainly set you apart from the competition! God, these suggestions are so handy that if you don't act on them mere humans will do it for you. It will look better if you get the credit.

3. God, you need to do something about the fact that your instructions for salvation are scattered over the eight corners of the Bible, often being vague and incomplete. Uh, it's not even clear whether some of them are really instructions! Your first draft needs major reworking. You need to set aside a book that is wholly and completely dedicated to the requirements for salvation and nothing else. That's the most important change you can make.
Prominently list the requirements exactly once and in chronological order, taking care to be complete and unambiguous. And, add a brief commentary after each one to squeeze out any wiggle room still left. You know what to expect from future Christians! They will misinterpret anything if given half a chance! Perhaps this book should be up front, right after your Genesis creation account.

4. Absolutely include an inspired book on the need for tolerance. Make it perfectly clear, God, that no one is to be killed or harmed because they favor another religion or none at all. Let the personal examples of your flock, and reason, be the sole persuaders.

5. For heaven's sake, God, we need a book on personal hygiene! Why leave your children defenseless when simple instructions could save thousands? Come to think of it, why did you create so many filthy germs in the first place, and parasites that inject germs that would otherwise be harmless? While we are on the subject, God, do scrap all that garbage in Leviticus, the ritualistic, cleanliness stuff. It's going to look really silly as the years go by.

6. God, you need better balance in your Holy Book. I noticed that in your first draft huge spaces are devoted to killing and slaughter. That doesn't look good when so many worthy things are left out! Treat space in your book as though every line were purchased with gold coins. Eliminate silly duplications in the Old Testament. In particular, Chronicles and Kings often cover the same ground, sometimes verbatim. One, good account should do.
Why do we need 4 Gospels in the New Testament? Tell it once and tell it right! When you get into multiple versions, God, you have a tendency to contradict yourself. Surely, all the saved space could be replaced with something really useful. You should know omniscient One!

Well, we're off to a good start folks. Anyone care to give God some additional pointers on the writing of his Good Book? Maybe the Christians in this alternate dimension will get off to a good start!

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Grinseed's picture
Include at least one story

Include at least one story about a guy, a rabbi or an apostle, whatever, and his faithful dog. Not a cur or a mongrel, it doesn't even have to have a pedigree, an intelligent, loyal bitzer would be fine....and don't kill the dog ok? No barbecues here. There's a wealth of storylines with dogs, about fidelity and loyalty ok? You really should let Jesus have one. Heaps of material for worthy parables and the like. The kids will love it.

And a few jokes wouldn't hurt either. You been around a loooong time. You must know some real snorters. You don't have to do smutty, but it wouldn't hurt, maybe put it in with the raunchier Psalms or something.

If I can be of any further help....well YOU know where to find me. Just one thing, don't sneak up on me and do the booming voice schtick...scares the shit out of me.

Tin-Man's picture
Oh, boy! This should be a fun

Oh, boy! This should be a fun one. *clapping happily* Ain't got time at the moment, but will contribute later. But, dammit, Green, you already covered almost all the good stuff.

Greensnake's picture
Tin-man,

Tin-man,

Make my stuff even better! A little insight here. A little insertion there. A concrete block of an addition over yonder! And, do have fun.

Tin-Man's picture
@Green Re: "And, do have fun

@Green Re: "And, do have fun."

Oh, I plan on it. Just have to get through a few things with my Dad and Uncle first (They are having medical issues right now that I am having to tend to.) so I can get my mind in the right place. Hopefully I can get something on here within the next day or two. Soooo much potential with this thread. I'm almost drooling. LOL

mykcob4's picture
What a great IDEA Green!

What a great IDEA Green!

mykcob4's picture
How about explaining where

How about explaining where you came from god?

Greensnake's picture
"How about explaining where

"How about explaining where you came from god?" --mykcob4

ooh! That would make a fascinating chapter in the Genesis creation account, or maybe in the introduction.

Qu@si's picture
maybe god is atheist too..

maybe god is atheist too..

coz he can't accept other gods.. and doen't admit that he has a creator..

NewSkeptic's picture
God, please include at least

God, please include at least a long essay reconciling your omniscience with my freewill. I always get lost there.

Another good topic would be more on heaven. Do we just sit around and worship you for all eternity, or are there maybe some board games to play? I can't quite get that either since if I were to loose one of those games, there goes perfect! Guess I answered my own question, no activities with the possibility of losers.

Still, if all we will be doing is worshipping non-stop, I hope we don't have to kneel all the time, my knees can get sore. Oops forgot, I'll have a new perfect body. That will be cool.

Just one more God. I actually really like sex. Will that still be allowed? Maybe you could add a chapter on permitted practices in that area. If someone had two or more spouses in life, not because of divorce or course, could they have threesomes or more.

If so confused, I don't want to get to heaven and then fuck it up.

Diotrephes's picture
NewSkeptic,

NewSkeptic,

"Just one more God. I actually really like sex. Will that still be allowed? Maybe you could add a chapter on permitted practices in that area. If someone had two or more spouses in life, not because of divorce or course, could they have threesomes or more."

According to Yeshua there are no marriages in heaven so there's no sex. You're going to be spending eternity singing Yahweh's praises 24/7/365.

Matthew 22:29-30 (TPT)= "29 Jesus answered them, “You are deluded, because your hearts are not filled with the revelation of the Scriptures or the power of God. 30 For after the resurrection, men and women will not marry, just like the angels of heaven don’t marry. "

NewSkeptic's picture
Given this, God, I ask you to

Given this, God, I ask you to delete Matthew 22:29-30, or even all of Matthew. Three Gospels are enough anyway.

Greensnake's picture
Diotrephes,

Diotrephes,

God's Holy Book definitely needs a large chapter on sex, that being a part of his book on sanitation & healthful living. Think of all the anxiety, guilt, and feelings of worthlessness that could have been nipped in the bud!

Diotrephes's picture
Greensnake,

Greensnake,

"God's Holy Book definitely needs a large chapter on sex, that being a part of his book on sanitation & healthful living."

There's more sex in the Bible than there is in a porn movie.

Qu@si's picture
ask him if he really likes to

ask him if he really likes to kill...watch us suffer..
and condemn people...

and why give us free will if you already know the future?why give trials?

whats the use?

are you stupid of just really dumb

Diotrephes's picture
Qu@si,

Qu@si,

"ask him if he really likes to kill...watch us suffer..
and condemn people..."

According to the fairy tale Yeshua INSISTS AND DEMANDS that a certain number of people must be killed for their faith before he returns. It's been 2,000 years and that number hasn't been reached. But maybe the next victim will win the cosmic lottery.

Revelation 6:9-11 (CEV) = "9 When the Lamb opened the fifth seal, I saw under the altar the souls of everyone who had been killed for speaking God’s message and telling about their faith. 10 They shouted, “Master, you are holy and faithful! How long will it be before you judge and punish the people of this earth who killed us?”

11 Then each of those who had been killed was given a white robe and told to rest for a little while. They had to wait until the complete number of the Lord’s other servants and followers would be killed."

NewSkeptic's picture
God, how about a multi-media

God, how about a multi-media version of the Bible. Since you have no limitations, I think it would really help make the point if we could, for example:

1. Feel the sawdust as Noah planes the planks.
2. Smell the burning flesh in hell.
3. Hear the little screams as the first born are impaled.
4. Have a taste of the wine that used to be water.
5. Try on the crown of thorns.

And back light it, like an expensive version of the Kindle. it could read my mind and point me to appropriate passages.

Greensnake's picture
NewSkeptic,

NewSkeptic,

That might be a little rich for God! You know how old-fashioned and set in his ways he is. But It would certainly settle any question about the existence of some higher power!

Qu@si's picture
can you keep up on all of our

can you keep up on all of our request god?

you're god right?
of course you can grant it to us..

god?.....god...hello...???

watchman's picture
..... and surely it should be

..... and surely it should be written in a really obscure ,arcane language ...(preferably a dead language)...

in order to allow your adherents to interpret the texts in any way they wish..... ( while justifying it as "context"...)

Diotrephes's picture
watchman,

watchman,

"..... and surely it should be written in a really obscure ,arcane language ...(preferably a dead language)..."

The original Bible was written in Latin. The Catholics burned people alive when they dared recite the Lord's prayer in another language.

"Foxe’s Book of Martyrs records that in that same year, 1517, seven people were burned at the stake by the Roman Catholic Church for the crime of teaching their children to say the Lord’s Prayer in English rather than Latin."
http://greatsite.com/timeline-english-bible-history/index.html

No one gave a damn about Greek because the original Bible wasn't written in Greek. The Greek Bibles were translations from Latin.

Old man shouts at clouds's picture
@ Diotrephes

@ Diotrephes

"No one gave a damn about Greek because the original Bible wasn't written in Greek. The Greek Bibles were translations from Latin"

Do stop peddling nonsense.

Diotrephes's picture
Old man shouts ...,

Old man shouts ...,

"Do stop peddling nonsense."

If you can produce a legitimate authentic original copy of a complete Bible written in Greek before 700 A.D. I will kiss your ass.

Greensnake's picture
Diotrephes,

Diotrephes,

The complete Bible still isn't agreed upon! You have the Protestant Bible, the Catholic Bible, the Greek Orthodox Bible, the Ethiopian Bible, and I think there is a Syrian Bible as well. Irenaeus mentioned the four Gospels, though not necessarily by name, around 180 AD. Scholars are in unanimous agreement (to the extent that is possible) that the New Testament was written in Hellenistic Greek. The Old Testament, which predates the Roman Empire by 500 years or more, was written in Hebrew. Some have claimed that a small portion of the New Testament was written in Aramaic.

Diotrephes's picture
Greensnake,

Greensnake,

"The complete Bible still isn't agreed upon! You have the Protestant Bible, the Catholic Bible, the Greek Orthodox Bible, the Ethiopian Bible, and I think there is a Syrian Bible as well."

There was no Protestant or Catholic Bible until about 136 years ago when the Protestants got a bug up their butt and deleted the 14 Apocrypha books from the Bible. http://rockingodshouse.com/why-were-14-books-apocrypha-removed-from-the-...

The Greek Orthodox Bible is a new revision = https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eastern_/_Greek_Orthodox_Bible
Greek Bibles are usually just the New Testament = http://greatsite.com/ancient-rare-bibles-books/bibles/er1516/

1516 Erasmus Greek-Latin Parallel
New Testament: First Edition
An influential and very early work. We are not aware of any other copies for sale in the world. This edition was used by Tyndale to translate the New Testament into the English language for the first time. It was also used by Luther to translate the New Testament into the German language for the first time. Most scholars consider the 1516 Erasmus Parallel New Testament, in either the 1516 or the 1519 printing, to be one of the top ten most important books ever printed."
http://greatsite.com/ancient-rare-bibles-books/platinum.html

http://greatsite.com/ancient-rare-bibles-books/bibles/ER1540/

This version of the Ethiopian Bible is supposed to be the oldest Bible, either from 330-650 or from the 11th Century = http://orthochristian.com/94812.html. So if someone wants to sell the lie they will go for 330 A.D. instead of the 11th Century. If you could examine it and read the language you could easily tell if it's legit or not.

The Syriac Bible from 463/4 contains only the first five books = http://www.bl.uk/onlinegallery/sacredtexts/syriacbib.html. Therefore it's not a complete Bible, which didn't exist until the 690s.

Remember, people have to sell the lie because their livelihoods depend upon it. Consequently they will always backdate the fairy tale to the earliest possible date to make it more credible.

Old man shouts at clouds's picture
@ Diotrephes

@ Diotrephes

"Possibly the oldest complete Bible, certainly the oldest complete copy of the New Testament, Codex Sinaiticus was copied in the middle of the 4th century. It originally contained the Septuagint (a Greek translation of the 48 books of the Christian Old Testament and Apocrypha), the 27 books of the New Testament, and two more early Christian writings, the Shepherd of Hermas and the Letter of Barnabas."

And

"Copied in the 5th century, Codex Alexandrinus reached England as a gift to King Charles I in 1627 from the Patriarch of Constantinople. It was presented to the British Museum by George II in 1757 as part of the donation of the Old Royal Library. Where it was copied is unknown. Suggestions include Ephesus. There was a curious medieval tradition that it was copied by Thecla, Paul’s female companion in an early Christian apocryphal text."
https://www.bl.uk/greek-manuscripts/articles/greek-bibles-in-antiquity

And
"Codex Vaticanus, also known as “B,” was found in the Vatican library. It is comprised of 759 leaves and has almost all of the Old and New Testaments. It is not known when it arrived at the Vatican, but it was included in a catalog listing in 1475, and it is dated to the middle of the 4th century. Vaticanus was first used as a source document by Erasmus in his work on the “Textus Receptus.” Because he viewed the text of Vaticanus to be erratic, he seldom followed it when it differed from other Greek texts." https://www.gotquestions.org/Codex-Sinaiticus-Vaticanus.html

If you have evidence of your "committee of English People" who apparently and, only according to you. wrote a completely new version of the NT please submit it. I would love to see you you collect your Nobel Prize in History and your Honorary professorships throughout the world Universities.

It amazes me that you have demonstrated such a facility for research, I find your Talmudic quotes and esoteric biblical tidbits fascinating, yet you subscribe to this totally unprovable conspiracy theory. Its an untenable proposition and you have yet to offer proof.

While I love and respect your biblical quotes and talmudic quotes this is absolute and complete balderdash to assert that Greek testaments were copied from the later Latin texts. It is an insult tio the intelligence of the hundreds of scholars that prove this not to be true.

Diotrephes's picture
Old man shouts ...,

Old man shouts ...,

"It is an insult tio the intelligence of the hundreds of scholars that prove this not to be true."

You're hanging tough but you're buying a load of pure BS. The absolute earliest complete Bible in existence is the Latin language Codex Amiatinus, produced in the 690s by a committee of story tellers, writers, and artists. Each copy weighed 75 pounds.

You simply can't produce a complete legitimate original Bible dated before that.

Have you ever thought about who formatted the Koran into numbered chapters and verses like the Bible? It wasn't an Arab. And today almost 2 billion people think that Mohammed wrote it that way.

When Tyndale wrote his English language New Testament & Luther wrote his German language New Testament the dummies used a Greek language Bible that was produced in 1516 because they thought it was legitimate.

1516 Erasmus Greek-Latin Parallel
New Testament: First Edition
"An influential and very early work. We are not aware of any other copies for sale in the world. This edition was used by Tyndale to translate the New Testament into the English language for the first time. It was also used by Luther to translate the New Testament into the German language for the first time. Most scholars consider the 1516 Erasmus Parallel New Testament, in either the 1516 or the 1519 printing, to be one of the top ten most important books ever printed."
http://www.greatsite.com/ancient-rare-bibles-books/platinum.html

Old man shouts at clouds's picture
@ Diotrepehes

@ Diotrepehes

"You simply can't produce a complete legitimate original Bible dated before that."

Yes I can, I direct you to those very things, and I have in other threads. You choose for your own reasons not to accept valid references and research.

If you have evidence of the worldwide conspiracy to rewrite the NT in the 690's by an English committee, acknowledged and encouraged by the contemporary pope ( the recipient of the Codex Amiatinus, all three copies) then please produce it.

I have provided, not speculation but the distillation of scholarly research. You seem to provide only opinion. Some evidence please.

"1516 Erasmus Greek-Latin Parallel
New Testament: First Edition
"An influential and very early work. We are not aware of any other copies for sale in the world." Well duh. Do some damn research. The Codex Sinaiticus was not recovered then The Codex Vaticanus was not for sale.

You do know there has been remarkable advances in textual research since 1516 ?

Diotrephes's picture
Greensnake,

Greensnake,

"Teaching God How to Write the Bible
How many times have you heard that the Bible is the divine handiwork of God, without any trace of error? Way too many times, no doubt! What can we say about such people?"

As I've said before, a committee of story tellers, writers, and artists in England produced three master copies of the Bible in the 690s. The Bible as a comprehensive book didn't exist before then. They based all of their stories on the Ten Commandments found in Exodus 34:12-28.

They included a lot of clues to show that their work was just an elaborate prank and they got away with it because no one knew any better. And since then everyone has a vested self-interest in maintaining the fairy tale because they gain status and power and make money off of it. Even atheists defend the fairy tale.

And remember, the First Commandment says to invade other people's lands and destroy their religious artifacts and engage in ethnic cleansing. It's the only Commandment everyone has followed throughout history.

Greensnake's picture
Diotrephes,

Diotrephes,

If you look at any reputable handbook on the Bible you will find that the New Testament was rendered in Hellenistic Greek, that the Gospels go back to the 1st century. Paul's writings are even earlier. If you want to get calibrated on where serious scholars stand, read the appropriate parts of the Anchor Bible (a fresh translation involving more than 90 (?) volumes, put together by scholars of the highest order from many denominations. To get a relatively quick but comprehensive overview, look to the New Oxford Annotated Bible (NOAB) with its excellent detailed notes and essays. The final canon for the Protestant Bible came together long after the individual components were written.

The first mention of a 27-book NT canon was made by Athanasius, the bishop of Alexandria, who in his Easter letter of 367, instructed the churches about the NT, listing exactly the 27 books we have. (The Holman Illustrated Bible Dictionary; Chad Brand, Charles Draper, Archie England, general editors)

Thus, your thesis that the Bible essentially popped into being several hundred years later just doesn't hold water.

And, please, stop insinuating that respected Bible scholars are part of some conspiracy more interested in selling books than in truth, that we have all been duped by them! Conspiracy theories are what one expects from the anti-evolution crowd, the anti-global warming crowd, or the flat-earth folks!

Diotrephes's picture
Greensnake,

Greensnake,

"And, please, stop insinuating that respected Bible scholars are part of some conspiracy more interested in selling books than in truth, that we have all been duped by them!"

As I've said before, some self-professed atheists defend the fairy tale more strongly than the average theist does.

Of course the con men will yak about all of their ancient "books" but all they have are tattered bits and pieces. What you won't see are clear focused legible images of the complete works. The technology exists to produce such images without damaging the originals so why the secrecy?

The basic fact that you have to deal with is that you can't produce a legitimate original complete Bible that was produced before the 690s.

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