Teaching God How to Write the Bible

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NewSkeptic's picture
@Tea with Me

@Tea with Me

"Any time SOMEONE Commits a BLOOD CRIME, such as RAPE, adultery, Homosexuality, or Beastality or Incest-"

Let's see, violent crime, deception and lying, consensual activity between aduits, violence against animals, sex within family. You make no disctinction between these. Perhaps you can see that one of these is an outlier in that there is no victim? I doubt you can see that.

"nearly 37 million people worldwide living with HIV, approximately 1.8 million are innocent children."

The other 35.2 million mostly those homosexuals who damn well deserve it, right Tea? You go man.

"The PUNISHMENT for BLOOD CRIMES was Death."

You're making me nostalgic for the good old days!

"Today You are Allowed to Run through the Streets and Infect Hundreds of People with Any Disease You want and never be punished."

This sounds like great fun. Maybe we can organize an atheist get together and try this.

aperez241's picture
@cup of tea with me

@cup of tea with me

There is no scientific evidence stating that humans lived longer in ancient times, at the most, scientists think our ancestors lived more or less as long as we do today, although just those who survived child mortality which was enormously higher back then. There is no evidence whatsoever any humans have ever lived to be 900 years.

Greensnake's picture
aperez241,

aperez241,

Not only that, but the Hebrews were not the only people with a tradition about super, long-lived patriarchs. No doubt the Hebrews borrowed that story and modified it to suit their purposes.

wgusapukc's picture
The Sumerians story of kings

The Sumerians story of kings include ones living beyond 900 years. Yes it is very old. This comes from our drive to be seen as profound within our story telling. If you are afraid of death as most everyone is and you are telling your stories around the fire used to keep your lions away if someone says "My grandpa lived to 50" the next will add years and put themselves above the original. "My grandpa lived to 90". This becomes "oh yeah, Noah lived to 900". A story that shows the power and strengthen of your Superman. A story of jebus told today wouldn't bring the dead back to life because this is actually a common event and something I have personally done multiple times in our modern world. His superpowers would be the ability to compute huge numbers faster than any computer ever made or ever will be made, or an ability to wow the common man.

Diotrephes's picture
cup of tea with me,

cup of tea with me,

"God Did not put up With this."

Your comments are so 6th Century ISIS-like. Not too many modern day people in the year 2018 want to live like First Century Israelites or 7th Century desert Arabs.

Sapporo's picture
@cup of tea with me

@cup of tea with me
Christianity permitted the eating of any animal.

wgusapukc's picture
Well no they adopted the list

Well no they adopted the list of bad food from jewish history. No cloven-hooved animals, no shrimp, no beef on Fridays. etc. But as with most all christians the word of god is picked and chosen from.
"“Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn
a man against his father,..." Matt 10-24. This were the words of jebus, the peace maker the hippy. The sword. Added to this it goes against the big 10 wherein "honor thy father".
So not only the concept that jebus 'was' a peacemaker per "his own words" he wasn't. Added to this the foundation of christianity the big 10 rules to show god your love and live by is negated.
So is there any wonder that christians mainly don't see the bible as an exact and clear set of rules but a book to be picked and chosen what fits best into your view of life.
As with jebus going against the 10 one can see this and a huge number of other conflicting concepts actually make the bible weaker as something to live by. As something to be inturpreted by the lowly humans and not as taken as a pillar of knowledge.

wgusapukc's picture
Not any but just like the

Not any but just like the solidity of the 10 "commandants" upon the control of the masses in keeping them absolutely in line, the bible says "thou shalt not dip thine devil spawn shrimp in thy unholy cocktail sauce". In case you want to know how it worked in the largest concentration of "christians" in the World, the shrimp is the most consumed seafood.
However if you read the new news as upossed to the new one, "I am not a feather I am a sword, those that don't follow me or try to lead you away from my path towards truth shall be seen as your enemy. If it is your father, your father is your enemy, if it is your mother, your mother is your enemy..." jebus, supposedly between zero and 33.
The reality is it isn't the power of the church or control that's the problem it is the shortsightedness of Constantine and his buddies and all those who have come since which changed the "word of god" to better fit the problems inherent in any system that attempts to prevent the search for or knowledge of anything to get you through that next day.
As with the bible the US Constitution is not written clearly enough to prevent attempts at changing the words or meanings to better fit what you want it to say.
Both of these documents have the ability to do great things undreamed by their authors. So much good could come from the strength of unity.

Remember all you can eat shrimp $14.99.

Good luck out there

Le

Algebe's picture
@cup of tea with me: don't

@cup of tea with me: don't Eat Raw Blood.

What's your position on blood transfusions?

When people get sick, is it better to find a cure or to make them walk around ringing a bell crying "unclean"?

Abraham lived to 175 Years .

What rubbish. Do you honestly believe that?

wgusapukc's picture
Great point. Per the bible

Great point. Per the bible and what should be followed god is the answer to all problems and questions. Modern medicine is a devil trying to remove the reality of life of service. A true follower, look at the jehovah witnesses, who feel that the bible is the word and not something to be inturrpreted. They are against blood transfusions.
Now a smart and educated church with a bible that takes into account that common knowledge of one people is different that others would have written that advances of man of a sign of gods love and so as advances are made the followers would benefit from those things. When the Renaissance's advancements led away from the way they stated that only knowledge and pursuit of knowledge of gods word is the way and that all else is devilry. This protected the church and strengthened it but it actually reduced the numbers due to diseases processes and miladies. So stronger and weaker at the same time.
Look at AIDS once the church sees that by a follower dying of it the church not only loses the power that that person represents but any monies they and their children would have contributed. And that the people that they may have brought to the church is lost they will change the concept of the deadly disease process. That AIDS is the devil's work and that a condom can keep the devil out of your life.
Let's hope enough people die that the churches bottom line is seen as a negative sooner instead of later.

Greensnake's picture
7. And, God, you need to

7. And, God, you need to expand the scope of your involvement. Your Holy Book needs to move beyond that one little tribe. Honestly, if I may speak freely, you lead that little tribe in wars against its neighbors as though you were a child playing with toy soldiers. In this parallel universe why not include the Chinese and those peoples in South America and Australia? And Africa and India? Think of the recruits you could pick up if you worked all those areas! That would certainly make those skeptics of a later age sit up and take notice!

8. For heaven's sake, God, let's make it clear in your Holy Book that slavery is evil. Put your foot down! That won't make you popular with the rulers of this world, but surely, omnipotent and omniscient One, you can make it stick.

9. Do leave out those prophecies that will fall flat on their faces, God. They will be a burden to future believers. They rob your Holy Book of its credibility and, let's face it, you don't come out looking very omniscient.

10. And, God, you don't really need that foreskin stuff.

DragonBonz's picture
God, please include magic in

God, please include magic in real time - I mean "Wingardium Leviosa" or "Abra Cadabra - POOF!" kinda shit. I really am a "seeing is believing" kinda guy. I think a few incantations or - how about that thing where Jesus says I can move a tree if I have faith the size of a mustard grain - make that real instead of illustrative, please.

Also, please stop showing favoritism.. I mean, if we are all your children, stop treating all of us differently. We are all equal, right?

I want a telescope or a magic crystal ball or something so I can look at this fantasy place called heaven and, strictly for educational purposes only of course, this other place called hell. I want a real time, objective, proof of these places (plus, I'd know which of my relatives went where and what they are up to) - that would really help cement my faith.

Please include your fucking name - for real. I know this is supposed to be something we can't say - uhm, why? I'd like an explanation for that also - I mean, if you want me to pray to you or believe in you it's probably a good idea I know which WHO you truly are, right?

Please put in your phone number and at least give us a voicemail and a text reply now and again - after all, I think you've been missing a lot of my messages in an earlier life and its really frustrating, all this waiting around shit.

No cryptic shit... just say it clearly please. Why do you insist on parables and stories and hidden agendas and meanings? You fuckin' with us? Just lay it out clearly please - oh, and in English. Yeah, ENGLISH - after all, that's my language and if you want me to get it, make it English. Hell, while you are at it, make the only language man ever spoke English - its as good a language as any and one language (forget the story of Babel) would really have cut out a lot of the confusion and frustration, you know?

Pictures! Please, include divine pictures (no photoshop please) so us visual folks can get a better idea of what really happened. I'd like to really see what these bible folks looked like.

No inspired writing bullshit please - write the shit yourself and make it so nobody can change it and if they try their balls fall off or they get a decade of diarhea or something... just write it yourself, sign it with your name and title and be done with it.

I'd like a chapter on your history (as was suggested by others in this thread) please - I mean, this "always has been, is now and will be" crap is just not true - or its not the whole story, get it out - tell the rest of the story please.

I want a chapter on how to fix my genetics to get more out of life than I am - I think you shorted me a little in some areas (I'd really like to sing like an angel or better - maybe Cohen or someone else but, at least sing). After all, if you are god and nothing is beyond your power, I would like some of that action so a chapter on how to tap that would be really nice.

Clear up the reincarnation shit please - either I'm coming back as a human or not - or not at all. The idea I may be a cockroach or spider really doesn't appeal to me and I'd like that cleared up, thank you very much.

I want the book written in such a way that, as my Sunday school teacher used to wish also, I could simply whack myself over the head with it and it would all sink in - verbatim. This would solve a lot of problems - both, the whacking and the sinking in.

That's a start of my requests to god for a rewrite... I'm sure I'll be inspired to come up with others, but my wine is wearing off right now and I have to pee.

;o)

Nyarlathotep's picture
cup of tea with me - Today

cup of tea with me - Today You are Allowed to Run through the Streets and Infect Hundreds of People with Any Disease You want and never be punished.

Forget the message of the post; what I want to know is how many crazy points are contained in the capital letters in just that one sentence?

CyberLN's picture
Agreed. Pet peeve...random

Agreed. Pet peeve...random capitalization. Do folks really not understand what a proper noun is?

Tin-Man's picture
From: Ima Wordwormer

From: Ima Wordwormer
Head Honcho Editor
Red Ink Publishers, Inc.
1984 Big Brother Ave.
Phuhka, ME 77340

To: God Almighty
The Man Upstairs
Anywhere and Everywhere

Re: The Bible

Oh-dear-Lord,

As Head Honcho Editor of Red Ink Publishers, Inc., please allow me to extend to you a sincere and genuine display of ass-kissing groveling and gratitude for allowing us to be The Chosen Ones in doing your divine work. Furthermore, it is with great joy that I have the honor of sending you some wonderful and long-awaited good news. After working non-stop over the past several decades, the faithful staff here at Red Ink has finally managed to sort through and “organize” all the thousands of “manuscripts” and collections of loose notes you submitted to us for use in writing your Holy Word. The collection of documents spanned thousands of years, were written on various forms of parchments, composed in a wide range of languages, and seemingly drafted by dozens of different authors, many of them being unknown. And, as you are aware, many of those documents were torn and tattered into multiple pieces when you submitted them, meaning they had to be painstakingly re-assembled. Nevertheless, our tireless efforts paid off, and we immediately moved on to the editing/research phase of operations. Hooray, team Red Ink!

Unfortunately, it is with deep and troubling regret that I must inform you of a rather problematic legal glitch we have encountered during the initial research (fact checking) phase of your Inspired Word. It seems our research teams have stumbled upon several ancient records indicating many of the stories told in your notes are incredibly similar to stories told by civilizations far pre-dating the time periods your stories indicate. In many cases, it is almost as though you copied the exact same stories, but simply changed the names of the places and characters involved. Obviously, this could cause potential problems relating to accusations of plagiarism should your stories be published as such. As you are an absolutely perfect being and never make mistakes, we here at Red Ink are seeking your divine guidance in the best manner to resolve this issue which was obviously caused by the faulty human writers who were inspired to write your Words.

Faithfully and respectfully submitted,
Ima Wordwormer
Head Honcho Editor

P.S. Almost forgot. With many of the reassembled documents, there were multiple pieces missing, making those documents incomplete. Would it be possible to set up a time for you to come in to fill in the gaps of those documents?

Reply from God:
Listen, Ima, while I truly appreciate all the hard work you and your staff put into getting all the crap sorted out, I would expect you to have just a little more faith in my methods. In case you have forgotten, I work in mysterious ways, remember? Therefore, simply compile everything you have into a nice, neat, orderly book with lots of chapters, verses, and page numbers and shit like that and let ME sweat the details. Fair enough? Tell you what, if it makes you feel any better, add something in there about the people shall have no other gods before me. Oh, and maybe something about not testing me or questioning my methods or something like that would help, too. I’ll leave it up to you how to best work that in. As for the documents with missing pieces, just do the best you can. I have faith in you, my child. Besides, people will generally believe almost anything if it looks official enough. Now, if you don’t mind, I have a two o’clock tee-time with Satan at the Cloud Nine Country Club. The stakes are pretty high this time, but since I won that bet regarding that Job guy last week, I’m feeling pretty damn lucky today. Toodles.

Old man shouts at clouds's picture
@ TM

@ TM
Lovely jubbly...lucky I didn't have a drink in my hand when I read that!

cup of tea with me's picture
Thanks for responding to my

Thanks for responding to my post.

We know that Christians who believe the Bible often have disagreements with Atheists and what I admire about Atheists is that they are honest about the fact that they do not believe the Bible.

But the Athiest person that DISLIKES and DISTAINS The Bible - usually ends up being dishonest about the Bible and refusing to look at the entire picture instead they focus in on selected verses and ideas instead of acknowledging the reality of the entire Biblical message of its time, location, eXisting problems and solutions and historical claims and content as a whole.

Atheists often are simply dishonest about the conteXt of the message of The Bible.

Tin-Man's picture
@Cup of Tea

@Cup of Tea

Really? ATHEISTS focus only on select verses? Wow... Glad I wasn't drinking anything when I read that. I hate it when I spray soda out my nose. lol

Old man shouts at clouds's picture
@ Cup

@ Cup

Oh please. The texts that make up the volume christians call the bible have been edited, forged, translated and then culled, rearranged re translated and finally approved before being allowed to the 'common ' people.
Following that, 'cherry picking' of verses can be heard in every church and chapel in the world to make the point the local pastor/bishop/governor wants to make/hear.

The "out of context" argument for much of the criticism levelled at the bible is as old and as nonsensical as the claim it is divinely inspired.

I do not "dislike" the bible as a document of historical and cultural significance. I do have disdain for a misogynistic text that promotes slavery, stoning, the submission of all women, genital mutilation, to name but a few IN CONTEXT horrors therein.

Diotrephes's picture
cup of tea with me,

cup of tea with me,

"Atheists often are simply dishonest about the conteXt of the message of The Bible."

What is the primary message of the Bible?

Sheldon's picture
"Atheists often are simply

"Atheists often are simply dishonest about the conteXt of the message of The Bible."

This has never been my experience, in fact it's usually theists and religious apologists who try to deny the text itself, in favour of some desperate rationalisation they have subjectively decided better reflects their beliefs. Take the Breezy's bare faced lies about the bible denouncing slavery as a perfect example. I have never seen an atheist try to interpret what the bible says in a subjective fashion, they usually accept the text as it is written.

Tin-Man's picture
@Cup of Tea

@Cup of Tea

What's up with the capital "X", by the way? Reminds me of somebody else who got booted out of here awhile back.

Old man shouts at clouds's picture
@ TM

@ TM

No point in asking my friend, Cup of Tea has passed to the great booted area in the interweb. Courtesy of our guardians, the mods.

ShellShock's picture
The Old Vetus Italia Bible

The Old Vetus Italia Bible translation is the oldest known Bible Translation that exists on earth. Dating from around (AD 157)

The Vetus Italia was both the Old and New Testament. A Latin Bible in old Latin - The translation that used by early believers

The Old Vetus Italia (AD 157)

The Old Vetus Italia of AD 157 - must not be confused with Jerome's Roman Catholic Vulgate, which was produced over 220 years later in AD 380.

In his book An Understandable History of the Bible Rev. Samuel Gipp Th.D confirms this fact. He writes: Quote:

"The Old Latin Vulgate was used by the Christians in the churches of the Waldenses, Gauls, Celts, Albigenses and other fundamental groups throughout Europe. This Latin version became so used and beloved by Orthodox Christians and was in such common use by the common people that it assumed the term 'Vulgate' as a name. Vulgate comes from 'vulgar' which is the Latin word for 'common' It was so esteemed for its faithfulness to the deity of Christ and its accurate reproductions of the originals, that these early Christians let Jerome's Roman Catholic translation 'sit on the shelf.' Jerome's translation was not used by the true Biblical Christians for almost a millennium after it was translated from corrupted manuscripts by Jerome in 380 A.D. Even then it only came into usage due to the death of Latin as a common language, and the violent, wicked persecutions waged against true believers by Pope Gregory IX during his reign from 1227 to 1242 A.D." (Ref:B2)

http://www.vetuslatina.org/ and http://mindofthemachine.com/biblesourcetext.htm
and https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vetus_Latina and http://www.bible-researcher.com/oldlatin.html and http://www.vetus-latina.de/en/index.html

and http://www.angelfire.com/la2/prophet1/oldlatin.html and http://www.vetus-latina.de/ and https://global.oup.com/academic/product/the-latin-new-testament-97801987... and https://sites.google.com/site/haghoughton/lnt
and http://classic.net.bible.org/dictionary.php?word=Latin%20Version,%20The%...
and https://wikivisually.com/wiki/Vetus_Latina

Atheists have not researched very much data about the Bible however they have spent trillions of taxpayer dollars developing their evolution religion and faith that humanity was CREATED from a rock billions of years ago.

CyberLN's picture
Shell shock, you wrote,

Shell shock, you wrote, “Atheists have not researched very much data about the Bible however they have spent trillions of taxpayer dollars developing their evolution religion and faith that humanity was CREATED from a rock billions of years ago.”

Which atheists would that be?

watchman's picture
@ShellShock...

@ShellShock...

"The Old Vetus Italia Bible translation is the oldest known Bible Translation that exists on earth. Dating from around (AD 157)"

Note...you said ,"oldest known Bible Translation".

Now that's not quite true ...... is it...?

It would be more accurate to say that it is ,"a diverse collection of Latin biblical texts used by Christian communities from the second century." or ,"covering an uneven selection of biblical books," .....

So it is not a "Bible" at all...... merely a fairly random selection of translated texts that were to become included in "The Bible" ...

As to your somewhat snide comment,"Atheists have not researched very much data about the Bible....."...

This may or may not be true..... but even if it were.... we have demonstrably done far more research on the actual content of the Bible than any theist.

Sushisnake 's picture
@ Shellshock

@ Shellshock

Please tell me more about this rock and evolution religion.

Old man shouts at clouds's picture
@ ShellShock

@ ShellShock
There is no single "Vetus Latina" Bible.Vetus Latina is a collection of biblical manuscript texts that are Latin translations of Septuagint and New Testament passages that preceded Jerome's Vulgate. Each sect of christianity had its own texts that assumed the greatest importance to them. It was not a single unified volume used by every church as the sects believed in very different aspects of christianity as we know it today.

The earliest surviving copies are dated from 350CE to the 13th Century CE.

The earliest 'complete' bible text (OT and NT) is the Codex Sinaiticus, in Koine Greek. Which in essence forms the basis for the modern works we call "the bible" .

"Atheists have not researched very much data about the Bible " certainly most atheists have researched much more than half educated youtube viewers with ready made conclusions to which they try and crowbar evidence to fit,

Sheldon's picture
"Atheists have not researched

"Atheists have not researched very much data about the Bible however they have spent trillions of taxpayer dollars developing their evolution religion and faith that humanity was CREATED from a rock billions of years ago."

Hilarious...

Atheist have spent nothing researching evolution, as atheism has nothing to do with evolution. Evolution is a scientific fact, it does not require faith, and evolution has nothing to do with the origin of life, it's about the origin of species. Your asinine rock straw man argument is not a scientific claim, and has nothing to do with abiogenesis which is the hypothesis studying the origin of life. Atheism of course makes no claims about the origin of life, why would it?

So just about everything you claimed there is nonsense.

CyberLN's picture
Shellshock has left the

Shellshock has left the building...

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