So, as an atheist, how does one deal with funeral arrangements for a christian spouse?
The family and most friends are going to show up expecting whatever church rituals pertain the deceased’s faith. Do you:
Give the deceased the religious service/send off that the family expects and just suck it up?
Have a Celebration of Life event with minimal or no religious content?
Something else?
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funerals arrangements are for formal purposes.
and just for the sake of the family..yeah it doesn't bother me having that faith rituals and stuff like that..
just don't let me leading the prayer or having speech ..i suck at it..
i'll just maybe scoff for whatever bullshit the priest would say..
I was respectful but no need for me to kneel or pray. I found it possible to show respect but play no part in the ceremonial chants or responses. No probs or complaints as far as I was aware. In the UK religionists are at least aware most people aren't believers and so show no intolerance as they might in some parts of the USA. There is less prejudice against non-believers. It is understood that non-believers taking part in hymns and prayers is just hypocrisy and is not desirable or respectful.
If you are married to a Christian then you should honor your spouses funeral plans. You had to suck it up your entire marriage, you can suck it up one more time.
I'm with Chimp. You honored her wishes in life even though you disagreed with them. Now time to man up and honour them in death for her rellies.
You can always have your own private goodbye sometime else.
Funerals and weddings are not for the primary individuals, but rather the audience, the guests.
Suck it up, do everything possible to make everyone feel welcome, and just one last time tolerate the BS.
Alembe, have you just lost your spouse?
Hi CyberLN,
Thank you for asking, I have not. The previous thread about dealing with our own remains and arrangements led my thoughts to this topic, thus I opened it for discussion.
That said, even though we are both in our mid 60s and in fair health, strokes, heart attacks, etc. do have a nasty tendency to occur more frequently from here on, thus mental preparation is prudent.
I agree, preparation is prudent. I got a book called, “I’m Dead, Now What?”
Have you asked what your spouse wants?
@Alembe Re: Wife
Phew. Okay. Good. That thought had not occurred to me until Cyber asked, and then I got a horrible knot in the pit of my stomach. And I caught myself being at a total loss for words, because I know I cannot imagine my life without my own wife right now. But, as Cyber said, being prepared and making arrangements beforehand is always a prudent course. And, once again, it is a relief to know all is well with you and your spouse.
Alembé,
It's a very good idea for each person to write out his/her wishes, including the obituary with just the date left blank. It's also a good idea to pre-pay the majority of the anticipated funeral expenses and to verify the service venue and the place of internment. IOW, make all of the major decisions before you have to make them. And depending on the ages the surviving spouse should consider future living arrangements after the funeral. Be sure to have a will, a list of debts and assets and who can help you dispose of all of your stuff. That includes all of your social media accounts. And don't forget, if you're getting a Social Security check or pension you may have to return it depending on the time of death.
The Bible does have some relevant thoughts on this issue that may be worth considering. Sooner or later we all have to face it.
Sirach 22:11-12 (CEB) = 11 "Weep for the dead, for they have left the light behind; and weep for fools, for they have left understanding behind. Weep sweetly over the dead, because they are at rest but the life of a fool is worse than death.
12 Mourn for the dead for seven days, but mourn for the foolish and the ungodly all the days of their lives."
Sirach 7:33-35 (CEB) = "33 The kindness of a gift stands before all who are alive; moreover, don’t withhold kindness from the dead.
34 Walk beside those who weep, and mourn with those who mourn.
35 Don’t hesitate to visit the sick, because you will be loved on account of these acts."
Sirach 30:21-23 (CEB) = "21 Don’t let grief take you over, and don’t distress yourself on purpose.
22 A joyful heart means life for a human being, and a person’s rejoicing provides long life.
23 Distract yourself, cheer yourself up, and keep grief far away from you because grief has destroyed many, and there’s no benefit in it."
"Sirach 38:16-23 (CEB) = On mourning
16 My child, let your tears flow for the dead; as one who is suffering terribly, give voice to your sorrow. Lay out their bodies in accordance with their wishes, and don’t neglect their burial.
17 Let your crying be bitter and express your sorrow fervently, and make your mourning worthy of them. Mourn for one day or two so that there can be no criticism, and then be comforted from your grief.
18 Too much grief can lead to death, and grief in one’s heart will sap one’s strength.
19 Grief also lingers in misery, and the life of the poor is a curse upon the heart.
20 Don’t give your heart over to grief; stay away from it, remembering your own end.
21 Don’t forget that there’s no coming back; you won’t do them any good, and you will hurt yourself.
22 Remember their sentence, because it’s yours also: “Yesterday it was I, and today it’s you!”
23 When the dead are at rest, put their memory to rest, and be comforted for them when their spirit has left."
"Sirach 41:1-4 (CEB) = How bitter, death, is the thought of you to those who are at peace among their possessions, to those who aren’t anxiously distracted, who prosper at everything and still have the strength to enjoy good food.
2 Your sentence looks good, death, to a person who is needy and lacks strength who is extremely old and anxious about everything, who is not compliant and whose endurance has failed.
3 Don’t fear death’s judgment; remember those who came before you and those who will come after you.
4 This is the Lord’s judgment for all beings: Why should you reject the good pleasure of the Most High? Whether ten or one hundred or one thousand years, there’s no arguing about life in the grave."
Oh, yes, we'e discussed it. About a decade ago we went to the funeral of a beloved aunt. It was a beautiful breezy, bright April day in Tennessee. In contrast, the funeral was a dull grey depressing service given by a dull grey minister. When we got back in the car she said, "That was terrible. I want nothing like that. I want people to get together for a party and have a good time. Food, cards, games, whatever."
Sounds like a Celebration of Life to me.
No wonder you have been with her fo so long. She sounds delightful.
@ CyberLN,
Her hair is shortish and on the top is dyed pink, purple, and teal. It's her "I survived cancer" hair and if somebody is too fuddy-duddy and does not like it, that's their problem. ;-)
Oh my! I have long hair, it’s silver but dyed indigo on the bottom 8 inches. I haven’t done my ‘fuck cancer’ thing yet but it will be a tat on the replacement breast that says, “Memorex”. Mostly because I think it’s funny.
I think I would like to share a good bottle of wine on a sunny afternoon with your wife.
For a theist, getting the funeral wrong can damage your chances of eternal salvation. For an atheist, it means nothing either way. So I'd just go along with whatever rituals give greatest comfort to the spouse's family.
Weddings are a different matter. Religion adds a whole new layer of toxicity to the cake. Weddings should be avoided at all costs. They're expensive and dangerous. We eloped.
Hi Algebe,
I can relate. We took off one Friday lunchtime and got married by a judge downtown. The only people who knew in advance was our boss and his wife: we needed permission to take the afternoon and chill. Total cost less than $300 for the legal stuff, her bouquet and the post wedding announcements.
We spent about $5, but they were 1974 dollars. That works out at about 10 cents a year so far.
The Maori Anglican girl across the road from our house in New Zealand married the son of a wealthy Irish Catholic family. They started squabbling. The wedding cake was weaponized, and our street turned into a battlefield. Several people, including a couple of policemen, ended up in hospital. The marriage lasted just long enough to produce two children for them to fight over in divorce court.