My New Family, perhaps my only family:
Over this weekend, been in hospital getting some procdures done in preparation for my upcoming surgery. Got out Sunday morning, just in time for...
Yesterday was a horrible day. Great day for my nephew since it was his birthday.
During the celebration, I found out a horrible truth yesterday. Since I am an Atheist, it is perfectly fine for my family to belittle and humiltiate me, even in joking (which they did). However, when I say something that is the TRUE truth, and they don't like it, they curse me for being the most cruel and heartless monster. I even confronted them all. And even my mom did not say one damned thing to back me up.
Needless to say. After that one TRUE truth, and it was not a bad statement, and they curse at me for saying it, I left. While driving home, I even cried because I could not believe I was ganged upon like that. My mom, my brother, my aunt, her daughter, another aunt, her eldest daughter, a third aunt, and an uncle. As always, my whole family will gang up on me. With that incident, I now realize, I am a loner within mine own family. If it were not for my new family here at Atheist Republic, I'd have no one. I have come to the conclusion, any family get-togethers are best NOT attended by me. If they do not like it. Fuck them. I have finally come to the conclusion that the best thing for me to do is to disinheret my whole family.
Thus, I should seemingly vanish for a day, or two, or three,...
Stay kewl y'all. At least here I can find support.
rmfr
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That's awful. Family should provide support unconditionally. This just illustrates how religion can corrupt and ruin our natural human relationships. I'm afraid that hitting back in anger will merely strengthen their prejudice, so all you can do is shame them with your dignity and decency.
Keep strong.
Many years ago, I ‘divorced’ a number of (original) family members. It worked for me. I never looked back and don’t miss them.
Surely this must be a proverb: If the situation is toxic, get the hell out!”
so did I
sorry to hear that arak.....*taps back*...
we're here for you man...we feel you bruh....
we all know that if they listen, this won't happen...
"Thus, I should seemingly vanish for a day, or two, or three,..."
come here lets talk about it. *beer cap opened sound*
arakish it pains me to see you feeling so sad and low.
Hang in there bud, you are not alone.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJ129oZ1mzc
@David
Awwww.... That is one cute pup! Looks pretty smart, too. I have a real soft spot in my heart for dogs.
That is my greatest fear and why I have not come out to my extended family. I empathize and hope you can find the support you need here.
@Arakish
We are all here for you, big guy. You know you have people here who understand and care. Try not to be gone too long, though. The sun is a bitch lately, and I'm gonna be needin' that shade tree of yours. Take care, my friend.
@arakish ….
I disagree...… not a bad day.....
A hard day ...yes...…… but not a bad day.
You now know where you stand ……. you know who stands with you..... and who does not.
You are now free …… or at least soon will be...… You pick your path ….you choose your friends …… they will soon have no call on you …….
As to not attending family get-togethers...…
I would continue to show up...…. make them deal with you..... you can walk out any time you want …… wait until they've laid you a place at the table then just go... say nothing just go ,no apology ,no explanation ..leave them an empty chair..... that way they still have to deal with your absence even after you have gone.
@Watchman Re: "I would continue to show up...…. make them deal with you..... you can walk out any time you want …… wait until they've laid you a place at the table then just go... say nothing just go ,no apology ,no explanation ..leave them an empty chair..... that way they still have to deal with your absence even after you have gone."
Wow.....I mean, just wow...Really? That is just mean, underhanded, low-down, dirty pool, dude!.... Because of that, I would just like to say....Dammit! I LIKE how you think!...*BIG GRIN* There is no way I could top that, but I would like to add a little something to it, if you don't mind....
Hey, Arakish, as an extra little parting shot to them, you should discretely leave a dollar "tip" beside your empty plate on your way out. *snicker*
@ARAKSH: I now realize, I am a loner within mine own family.
Welcome to the real world. You have always been a loaner, you just never knew it before. You are trapped in flesh and no matter how hard you try you will never know or understand what is going on in the flesh of another.
You are now fully individuated from mommy, daddy, and even society and culture if you follow the path. You are free. You are in that scary place where you must choose your actions, your morality, your behavior and you must be responsible for all you do. When you choose to hang out with your family, knowing full well what they are like and how they do not support you, you are responsible for putting yourself in that situation.
When you expect them to change, you are engaged in delusional thoughts and you are playing God. You do not get to control other people. You get to control yourself. Why do you do things that make you unhappy. Why would you be with people who do not support you? (I know you want them to support you and like you.... They Don't!) You need to find new friends. You are not alone in this.
Thousands of Atheists all over the world have been rejected by their loving Christian homes when they come out and admit they are atheists. This is a very normal phenomena.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=URr0O9aHW38
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXVL5tEMS1Y
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7cF1DbHhgA
Atheists all over the world share in your pain, family issues, and grief. Christianity is an "in-group/out-group" religion., If you are not in the group you are out. You are a heathen, damned to hell, and the spawn of Satan. This is the teaching of the Christian faith. You are worthy of death. People who do not respond that extremely are just not following the teachings.
My family are Pentecostals/ Catholics. I have never felt such rebuke. Shame on them!
So we play the shame game. Same on them, shame on you. It's not worth the struggle. Shaming other people is what Christians do. It is probably what you did as a Christian and it appears old habits are hard to give up. I know for a fact it was for me because this is what I did. Recognizing I was a two-faced hypocrite is one of the things that woke me up to the reality of the faith. You don't have to do that any more. Let them be the hypocrites. Let them be the haters. Remember, you are the one changing, not them.
@ Arakish
I feel for you. I went through a long lonely tearful time when I realised my immediate family were lying hypocrites. I worked every Christmas, New year and excused myself from every family celebration from my teens until my thirties when I decided that I would just tell them why I didn't want to be with them. I see some of them ( the live ones on FB), and communicate greatly with grand nephews and grand nieces now...but the rest of them are total strangers and a bloody good thing too. I have no wish to be involved with them or their lives.
I was always the black sheep and outsider, and I am am now very happy with that. I have friends, the community here is wonderful as well. There is always Cabernet Sauvignon....stay strong Arakish, I lobve you posts even the long ones, very thought provoking and apposite. Hugs to you.
PM me anytime.
Hugs
Alan.
Thanks. Still thinking about what to do. No hard decisions yet.
Family had another get together today, but I did not go since I was already part of a debate team. Went there instead. The side I was on won. I may post something on it later.
Right now, still kind of depressed. Got home about 1330hrs today and have been vegging out watching The Orville.
Y'all take care. I may return eventually.
Again, thanks.
rmfr
@Arakish
Wow, I'm very sorry to hear that. That's what I'm afraid of if I tell my mom. I've told my aunt and she hasn't condemned me to hell or treated me any differently since I told her. I can only dream that my mom will do the same. I don't know if I would ever tell my mom unless a situation or circumstance calls for it. I also don't plan on lying to her if she puts me on the spot again asking if I believe in God.
Hope things get better for you and have a relaxed and stress-free day.
@ArakishFamily "had another get together today, but I did not go since I was already part of a debate team. Went there instead. The side I was on won. I may post something on it later."
THAT'S IT! That is exactly what you do. YES! It's not a hard decision. One choice at a time YOU CHOOSE TO LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE. This is not rocket science. Move on!
You know. I think I am going to do a combination of what watchman and Cognostic said.
I am going to live my life and fuck my family if they cannot accept me for me.
I am not going to go to the family get-togethers. However, I am going to have what few friends I have at Yellowstone to call me and get me out of the get-together. Let them stare at the empty place mat.
It hurts, but I feel it is perhaps the best thing for me to do.
Now my only problem is getting out of having to have bought my brother's house. I sold the house I had in Montana so I could buy my brother's house. The only reason I did it was to keep his 10 year old son from becoming homeless with him.
Trust me, if it had been JUST my brother, I would have told my mom, "Tough. He is on his own."
I may make a fairly decent salary at Yellowstone, but it ain't no where near enough for me to afford two houses. Fortunately, my brother owed a LOT less on his than I did on mine. Thus, it wasn't as bad a burden. The only problem is the repairs needed. My brother bought his house, but never did anything for it in the 16 years he owned it. Except clean about once every two or three months.
And because I am an atheist and so damned evil, wicked, mean, and nasty, the only thing I told my brother he had to pay for was food for him and his son and their internet access. I have been the one who has been taking care of the house, paying to get repairs done when my brother and I cannot do it (mainly due to lack of skill sets), and I have been the one cleaning the house and keeping it clean.
Sometimes I just wished I weren't so damned evil, wicked, mean, and nasty, and such a horrible and terrible godless heathenistic pagan.
Know that I think of it, I have been told so many, many times that I just have TOO MUCH love in my heart for mine own good.
And every time I hear that, it makes me laugh and chuckle. However, today, I realize all those people may have been so damned truthful... And I just would not listen to them.
And then there are the times I just wish I could get another job some where on the other side of the world and leave. Just disappear and then see how my family feels...
That's enough ranting.
In closing, I am feeling better. A little less depressed, but not fully myself. I'll get there. After all, I did survive the Soul Shatter.
rmfr
Empty plate at the table - sounds like a baby step in the right direction. You can only do as much as you are able to do. And just being around them is asking for more of the same. How do you get to be who you are when you surround yourself with people who reject you. It is one thing to have the strength and power to stand up to that when you know who you are. It is another to feel bad and want them to change because you are unable to separate yourself from them.
I havent been to a reunion in 30 years, as time passes it gets easier. My family labeled me as crazy. Because I didnt believe in the fairy tales. They went from the immediate family to going to the uncles and aunts and cousins in the large once a year family reunions and telling them that I was touched in the head that I "Didnt even believe in god" with all the eye rolling and "You dont say!" exclamations. "Something must have happened to him in Vietnam" "thats not normal" So now I just stay away, I would rather not be around them than feel like a unicorn in the room everyone giving me side glances and being patronizing asking me questions that you would ask a 8 year old, like I am of lesser intelligence than the rest of them. I got chosen for West Point, I dont think any of the rest of my family did, which in itself doesnt prove me sane but at least well read.
Fuck em, I got this forum and I have real friends that are now my family
That's right, Thinker. We are here for ya. Same for you, Arakish. Granted, we may be a box of assorted nuts and loose screws, but at least we have fun. *Big Grin*
Thank you Tin- man and it will get easier Arakish, its disappointing that someone who professes "LOVE" as the most integral part of their religion and say they love some middle eastern person that lived 2000 years ago, and, I'm wrong for not loving him too. (laughing) but they could give a damn about someone who was raised in the same household as them and endured all the hardships, mourned the loss of our parents and some of the other brothers. But because I dont believe in all that imaginary horse shit, I'm a lesser person.. I'm doing just fine without them, and, you will too
Wow...the level of support here is amazing. I'm am glad to have found a forum like this where I can interact with those who share similar thoughts as mine and read their stories. It is tough being an atheist in my Christian family and feeling alone is a common thing for me, but hopefully that changes sooner rather than later.
@Arakish
You do what's best for you, and if leaving an empty plate at the table makes you feel better, then go for it. You shouldn't have to endure all the negativity and name calling your family members lays upon you. You have a good heart, and don't listen to what others have to say or think about you based on your thoughts. Keep doing what you're doing and move forward.
@InquisitiveCalGal95
What a username. I like it. Similar to my Arakish moniker. Arakish was actually a role playing game character I had made up over 40 years ago. Damn. Has it been that long?! Gee where does time go? He was a Lore Master. Similar to me in real life. A seeker of knowledge.
Oh, almost forgot. Welcome to AR. Yeah, I have received nothing but welcome and support at this site. Just wished it existed 20 years ago after the death of my family.
My biggest problem was growing up and living in one of the worst, if not the worst, Baptist Bible Belt state of North Carolina. It just seemed that there were absolutely no atheists there. The only ones I ever knew were my wife and her parents. Excepting my new family here, the only one left is my mother-in-law. My father-in-law passed away just recently.
Anyway, like me, you will find support here. And like me, you air some of the bad stuff that happens.
Well Come, and Enjoy.
rmfr
Arakish I am originally from Upstate South Carolina I know exactly what you mean about the "Bible Belt"!!
@Thinker
The biggest problem in North Carolina is that the Absolutists still hold complete political and legal power. Even those who came out about the abuse and molestation against the churches were quickly stomped under foot and totally buried due to that power. And making things worse, the ones abused by the churches ended up being drug users and sometimes criminals which made it easier to humiliate and discredit them. Hell, I'd be willing to put even odds that the abuse still continues with them knowing they hold the ultimate power to prove any accusations wrong. Even I was abused and have only said anything about here at these forums. I dare not tell my family since I am a degenerate godless heathen to them.
However, it is nice to know someone else there can understand, sympathize, and empathize.
rmfr
Most of the time I try to be accepting of family members different beliefs then my own. Much of my family is fairly deeply religious and quite conservative. We mostly avoid talking politics and religion.
Occasionally religion comes up, usually certain louder, more obnoxious family members, especially after they consume vast quantities of alcohol. And they attack, and especially in the religion content other family members will back the drunk person over siding with me. Which ends up in a scenario much like what you described Arakish for me.
I take this as a signal as time to leave. They are drunk, and I remind myself, also deeply insecure about religion.
I have learned fairly early in life people tend to be the most aggressively argumentative (especially towards family members they say they love,) about things they are insecure about. If they were confident in their faith they would not have the need to so vehemently defend it.
And ofcourse people are defensive about religion. Most of my family is on the more intelligent side, many of them have at least a bachelor's degree. On at least a subconscious level, their intellect cries out "something does not add up here!" But on a conscious, emotional level, they are not ready to admit that for so many core beliefs they have had it all wrong their entire lives, they are afraid of admitting they and most all their friends and family got it wrong, that their parents taught them wrong, that kind old man that lectured them multiple times how to live got it wrong. They want to believe in an afterlife, an easy god planned purpose to their life etc.
So naturally my family members that are deeply religious feel very threatened by someone will to speak up and say they are an atheist, and when asked explain why with answers that they only have weak counter arguments to.
I actually take pity on the family members that drink a bunch and have their fear and insecurities about their own religion come out, and they attack me. I find an excuse to as politely as I can leave the room, I usually avoid drinking myself so driving away is an option. I am the sober one, I am the one that is at peace with my own belief system, I allow myself at times to take on a smug superiority over family members that I keep strictly to myself as I recognize their drunken attacks towards me is their own insecurities. These thoughts keep me calm and rational and prevents me from escalating arguments about religion to my family members that will only end in division. I know none of them are ready to hear that truth, most certainly not while they are drunk.
I am fully aware that will not work for all family encounters for everyone here, but at least for me, I can still take part in family reunions, or smaller family get togethers. And fortunately for me, much of my family will not engage in drunken religion talk, and much of the younger generation are also mostly atheist or at least not very religious, and many of them may be present to see who is the adult in the situation, which one is the rational and calm one. I have had multiple younger family members approach me the next day in in family reunions to ask in private, questions about my lack of belief in god that affirms their own suspicions about religion forced down their throats.
Have you heard of the Family Systems Term: "Enmeshment"
Salvador Minuchen introduced the concept of "enmeshed" families in his family systems theory in the mid-1970s. There are varying degrees of enmeshment, when it does exist. An enmeshed family allows individual members little to no autonomy or personal boundaries. The roles among family members can be very rigid. One person might be "the scapegoat," another person might be "the hero" and so on. These roles are not explicitly assigned. It's usually an unconscious process and much more subtle than that. The point is that individuals in this type of family often grow up not knowing how they really feel or what they want to do in their lives because they are encouraged to feel whatever the rest of the family feels (usually initiated by one or both of the parents) and strongly discouraged from developing their own feelings and preferences.
You my friend are quite enmeshed in the dynamics of your family. The best thing you could possibly do for your self is - "Get a Life" You do not need this contact with your family. You do not need this frustration in your life. MOVE ON>