Ahhhh.... Halloween does approach. My favorite holiday! Always has been... *grin*... As such, Halloween parties have begun, and the wife and I will be attending one such party this evening, as a matter of fact. And this particular party is not just a small gathering of friends. This party is a sponsored annual event in a large well-known club, and a good friend of ours just happens to be one of the main coordinators for it. (Meaning we do not have to pay to get in... *grin*...) However, due to my law enforcement and military experience, I have been asked to "earn my keep" by being on "Jesus Patrol", because last year they had a couple of religious zealots sneak in and pester the heathen sinners who were there to party and have a good time. Therefore, my "job" this evening will be to stay alert for such party-crashers and divert them to the nearest exit upon detecting them.... *rubbing hands together briskly*.... Oh, what fun!... *chuckle*...
Now, given the nature of my assigned duty, my choice of costume for the occasion is of vital importance. And that is why I decided to attend the function disguised as a Priest! (Yes, I know! Brilliant, right?... *patting self on back*...) For one, it will serve as something of a "religious magnet" that will help draw to me those of faith who are there to be annoying and disturb the revelry. And, two, it was one of the most frightening costumes I could think of wearing... *shrugging shoulders*... Anyway, as a part of maintaining my character during the evening, I have prepared a prayer that I plan on using at the briefing/orientation meeting we have prior to start of business. (After all, it would be a sin to start such a momentous event without an invocation.) Please let me know what you think...
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today…
To get through this thing called strife…
An electric word, “strife.”
It means “to struggle”, and that’s a very rough time.
But I’m here to tell you, there’s something else…
The afterlife…
A world of never ending paradise…
Where you can always praise the Lord…
Day and night…
So as you watch over these sinful heathens getting their thrills…
You know the ones…
Who allow the evil spirits of alcohol to flow and use their free will…
Instead of allowing them to loosen their morals...
Allow your holy Spirit to flow and loosen their dollar bills, dear God.
Because they must tithe…
For faith is much harder when the church is poor.
Without tithes…
Our faith is blown!
And if the Devil ever tries to bring you down…
Start praying… put your knees to the floor!
In the blessed name of Big Daddy, J.C., and The Spook... Amen.
(Oh, by the way, if this prayer sounds a bit familiar, just think of Prince and the Revolution... *chuckle*...)
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Heh, could work a reference in to sex with children (since you'll be dressed as a priest).
@Nyar Re: Child sex reference
Believe me, I actually considered that for a bit. However, I decided to use a bit of discretion and override my natural extreme humor tendencies for this particular venue. Granted, most everybody attending will be either Pagan, atheist, non-religious or anywhere in between. But there are too many other unknown variables involved, so I decided to just stick with the money angle. Although, given the opportunity depending on the situation and the people present, I will certainly not hesitate to throw that little "zinger" out there just for shits and giggles while cruising the crowd during the evening... lol...
Here is the prayer I wrote originally, but the Lady of the House deemed it too long and too "complicated" to read during the briefing. Then she gave me the idea for the one I posted in the OP. (God love her.. *grin*...) Still taking this one with me anyway, just in case the opportunity presents itself for me to use it...
Dear sweet baby Jesus, laying there in the manger hay in your golden fleece diaper just cooing and gurgling all cute and innocent, as we gather here this evening in this wicked den of iniquity surrounded by hordes of blasphemous heathen sinners, we want to take a moment to thank you, tiny little 8lb. 6oz. newborn infant Jesus, for giving us this day to bear witness to the degenerates who have fallen from your light, so that we might better appreciate the glorious path to heaven you have paved in gold for us. Hallelujah!
And though we shall be in the midst of these spawns of Satan, beset on all sides by malevolence and debauchery, we have the peace of mind in knowing that YOU will protect us and lead us not into temptation no matter how badly we may want to indulge in such sinful pleasures that we shall surely witness tonight.
Although, even if we do happen to suffer from a moment of weakness, sweet baby Jesus, we are blessed to know we will be forgiven. Praise God! For the love your Holy Father has for us is so great and eternal that He… sent Himself… in human form… as you… His only son… to this wretched planet He created for us in His perfect wisdom, and He (Almighty God)… sacrificed Himself (you, adorable little baby Jesus)… to Himself in order to forgive us for all of the sins that He created for us to commit as part of His perfect plan. Praise the Lord!
Dear Lord, you created us in your perfect image. And, oh Lord, it’s hard to be humble when you’re perfect in every way! (Can I get an “Amen”, brothers and sisters?) Therefore, precious heavenly Father, despite our being created perfectly by your loving hands, we know there will be moments when we stray from the divine path you have laid before us, causing us to divert into the express lane on the Highway to Hell. However, as the beckoning tone of Hell’s Bells becomes louder and louder during our journey, we humbly ask that you remind us how Satan’s influence is no match for your awesome power and perfection. For as the creator of all things, Almighty God, you also created Satan and endowed him with his devious and evil ways as a means of testing our faith in you, even though, in your omniscience, you have known for countless eons exactly how we will respond to those temptations from your rebellious fallen angel Lucifer.
And during those trials and tribulations when we are wrestling with your eternal adversary who is fighting with you for our very souls, oh dear Lord, we draw strength from your unconditional love, and we are reminded of a poor and humble boy named Johnny from Georgia who was able to defeat the Devil with a mere FIDDLE! Hallelujah! For we know it was your awesome power and grace that were guiding his hands and allowed Johnny to win a fabulous prize of a golden fiddle and make the Devil regret making that bet. Praise God, brothers and sisters!
Again, heavenly Father, we thank you for giving us this evening of temptation so that our faith in you can be tested as a means of bringing us closer to you. And we thank you even more for paying in advance for our sins should we experience a moment of weakness and indulge in lustful acts and the partaking of alcoholic beverages while surrounded by the countless sinful lures that we may encounter tonight. Your love and forgiveness truly know no boundaries.
In the name of Big Daddy, J.C., and The Spook… Amen.
All great ideas and hilarious Tin-Man. But this is supposed to be a fun party? Going too hard into anti-theist mode, is, in a sense, preaching and possibly a party pooper activity.
I am sure you will find a balance.
@David K.
Oh, absolutely. After my initial "prayer", I will basically just be cruising around looking out for the real party poopers. About the only time I will make any further comments is if I am approached directly by other partiers. Otherwise, I'm just gonna have fun with it when given the opportunity.... *chuckle*...
Here’s an idea for an addition to your costume, Tin.
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Here's my outfit. I made the sash (or scarf, or whatever they call it).
Edit to add: Oh, that is U.N. Holy Water, by the way. United Nations sanctioned in case anybody needs to be anointed... *chuckle*...
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@ Cyber
You will burn in hell for that pic cyber...bravo LOL...
I burned my finger pulling two loaves of banana bread out of the oven. Will that substitute for the burning in hell thing?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7nMZvueKNQ
@Tin: Fuck! I wish I lived near by. Nothing would be more fun than attending the Halloween party as a Jehovah's witness; copies of the watchtower and all. I could spend the entire night getting you to chase me around, getting kicked out of the club, sneaking back in, getting kicked out again, sneaking back in again, and spreading the joy of love of Jesus.
@Cog
That would have been awesome. As it was, no bible thumpers made an appearance last night. I was surprised, however, at how many other "priests" were there along with a few naughty nuns... *chuckle*... Naturally, there were also multiple devils and demons scattered about, and it was fun interacting with a few of them. And I made sure to thank them for all their hard work. After all, Satan and his minions ARE the primary motivating factors for a majority of The Church income... *grin*...
Speaking of which, folks would stop me from time to time and ask about the dollar signs on my sash. My standard reply was, "Salvation is free, but doing the work of The Lord is very expensive. Those private jets, mansion estates, and mega-churches aren't cheap." Got some laughs with that. And when asked what denomination I was, I would say, "The Greater Universal Church of Currency." All in all, it was a rather fun evening.
@TIN!: Praise the Laaawwwrd brother Tin!