An atheist walks into a coffee shop. Barista says, "What'll it be?"
"Coffee, black."
"No cream or sugar?"
"Nah, don't believe in the stuff."
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Actually the atheist would have said
Do you have evidence for the existence of Cream and Sugar?
(The Barista produces actual cream and sugar)
Athiest: Well, damn my eyes, I'll have both!
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
God.
I don't believe you.
A Buddhist walks into a coffee shop and says, "I'll have one with everything."
A Jew walks into a coffee shop and says; "The cup is half empty!"
A Muslim walks into a coffee shop and says; "The miracle of coffee is mentioned in the Quaran."
A Christian walks into a coffee shop and says, "Thank you Jesus for the coffee."
A Mormon walks into a coffee shop, turns around and walks out again, saying... "Oops!"
A man sees a boy with a box of kittens The man goes over and says "Oh what cute kittens!" The boy replies "Yes they are Christian kittens". About a week later the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens. Once again he walks over and says "my, those are just adorable!" The boy replies "Yes, they are atheist kittens" The man asks "wait, weren't they christian before?" The boy looks at the man and says "Yeah but they have their eyes open now"
A nun is taking a bath. There is a knock on the door. The nun says "Who's there?" a voice answers "the blind man." The nun replies "come in". The man enters and says "Nice tits, where do you want me to hang these blinds?"
As Jesus was suffering on the cross and many people mourned in sorrow Jesus spoke:
"Peter..Peter..."
Peter climbed up the hill and a Roman guard kicked back down.
Jesus spoke again "Peter...Peter..."
And Peter climbed up the hill again and the Roman guard smashed in the face with the hilt of his sword and Peter went rolling down the hill in pain.
Jesus spoke again "Peter...Peter..." And Peter went to the back of the hill and climbed up to the cross that Jesus was suffering upon and replied "Oh Lord it is I, Peter. What is it you wish sire?"
Jesus spoke again "Peter I can see your house from here."
whats the difference between a snowman and a snow woman??
~SNOWBALLS
Harry prays to God: Dear Lord, please make me win the lottery.
The next day Harry begs the Lord again: Please make it so I win the lottery, Lord!
The next day, Harry again prays: Please, please, dear Lord, make me win the lottery!
Suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy a lottery ticket.
you dumb-ass!!
The burglar is creeping across the darkend room..... scanning the darkness ...straining his eyes.
Across the hall and into the living room ... desperately trying not to make a sound...
Then ,suddenly he hears a voice....,
"Jesus is watching you"..... Panic....what the hell was that?
He spins around .... searching the darkness....
Nothing.....
"Who's there ?" his whisper almost a hiss...
Again comes the voice.... ,
"Jesus is watching you".
He thinks it comes from a curtained alcove.... he moves gingerly across to the curtain...
In one sharp movement he pulls aside the curtain.....
He finds himself staring a large parrot..... he breaths a sigh of relief...
"And what is your name?", he asks the parrot.....
"Abraham" replies the parrot...
"What sort of a dick head calls a parrot Abraham?" he asks.
"The same sort that called the pit-bull Jesus"
Jesus and Moses were out fishing one Sunday Morning. They were in a little boat in the middle of a small lake, the sun was beginning to get hot, the fish were not biting, and the beer was nearly gone.
Moses had a bit of a buzz and began challenging Jesus to show him a miracle. Jesus kept saying "No my son, I can not be tempted." But Moses just wasn't listening and kept harping on Jesus. "Come on, show me a miracle. Come on I dare you. You haven't lost your touch have you? What's the matter magic boy, have you lost it? I expect at your age you just can't get it up any more."
Finally Jesus had had enough. "Okay! Fine! I will show you a miracle. But, You Go First."
Moses slammed his beer without a word. Stood on the bow of the small fishing boat. Raised his hands to the heavens. A lightening bolt shot down from the puffy white clouds and struck the lake splitting it in half.
Jesus stood on rocky legs and announced, "Ha! I can top that!" and then he flung himself over the side of the boat into the water where he sank like a rock.
Moses rushed over, reached into the water and caught hold of Jesus's robes. He pulled Jesus back into the boat. Jesus began coughing up water but as soon as he got his breath he announced, "I can do this." He pushed Moses aside and flung himself into the water again.
Once again Jesus sank like a rock. Moses reached into the water and pulled him out by the robes. "Jesus..." Moses began to say. But before he could utter anything else, Jesus again flung himself into the water and sank like a rock.
Again Moses pulled him on board the little boat. Gasping and coughing Jesus was completely worn out. Moses held him in his arms and asked, "Jesus, Jesus, what happened? What were you trying to do? What went wrong."
Jesus said, "I don't know, but the last time I tried this I didn't have these fking holes in my hands and feet.
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"