A little Athmas cheer this year

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Rohan M.'s picture
A little Athmas cheer this year
    This is an Athmas carol that I wrote a few days ago, on the debate forums as one of my satires. I thought that it deserves its own post here on the atheist hub. Here it is:
      (To the tune of "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch")

    You’re a mean one, Religious Right
    You really are a heel
    You’re as atheophobic as a Conservapedian,
    With the scientific literacy of an eel,
    Religious Right.

    Our nighmare may be bananas, but you're an old banana with a greasy black peel.

    You hate atheists, Religious Right.
    You think they’re waging a war on Christmas
    You want them to leave America,
    And you accuse them of endorsing Sharia,
    Religious Right.

    You’re a vile one, Religious Right.
    You want to make America a Christian Iran
    Your Wholly Buybull has all the moral sweetness of the Islamic Quran,
    Religious Right.
    Given the choice between the two of them,
    I’d take the... Ugh... Do I have to pick? They’re both awful. I wouldn’t convert to either of them, even as a joke! Hmm... maybe this song just draws more attention to the Buybull.

    You’re a foul one, Religious Right.
    You’re a nasty, wasty skunk.
    Your heart is full of hate and bile.
    Your faith has the burden of proof, but of this you’re in denial.
    Religious Right.

    The three best words that best describe your persecution complex
    Are as follows, and I quote:

    You’re a bigot, Religious Right.
    You think the holidays are all yours
    You go to our houses to proselytize, and go banging on our doors,
    Religious Right.

    You nauseate me, Religious Right.
    With a nauseous super-naus!
    You’re a spineless toxic toadie,
    Dipped in toxic, hateful sauce,
    Religious Right.

    You’re a Christmas cheer-hating broflake
    And poisonous jockey,
    Riding an arsenic horse!

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Tin-Man's picture
Hey, Rohan! Mighty glad you

Hey, Rohan! Mighty glad you started this thread, young man! Gives me an excuse to break out my chart-topping hits from last year! Let's start with this favorite....

To the tune of "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer"

Zorboff the tiny green spaceman
Hovers in his U-F-O.
Looking down upon the Earthlings
As they scurry to and fro.

He commands the space armada
Sent to wipe the planet clean
But now he has a better game plan
Because of something he's just seen.

Christians, Muslims, ISIS, Jews.
See the wars they wage.
Zorboff thinks, "Why waste my might?
Let the stupid fuckers fight."

So he tells his fleet of spaceships,
"We're returning to our galaxy.
Because at the rate they're going,
Soon they'll do the job for meeeeeee...!"

... *bowing repeatedly*.... Thank you, thank you! No applaud, please. Just throw money... *continues bowing*.... Thank you, thank you....

Rohan M.'s picture
@Tin Man *Throws money*

@Tin Man *Throws money*

Rohan M.'s picture
@Tin Man *Throws money*

@Tin Man *Throws money*

Tin-Man's picture
Then there was this ever-so

Then there was this ever-so-popular little ditty....

To the tune of "Oh Come All Ye Faithful"

Oh stains on my undies
Yellow, brown, and crusty!
Perhaps I should wash them,
The smell does offend!

I hate doing laundry!
One more week won't matter.

Oh, no, I feel a burning!
An itching and a burning!
Oh why is there such burning

Aa-rou-ooound my grooooin...?

Tin-Man's picture
And last but not least....

And last but not least.... (Oh, be advised, this one is a bit more complicated, but waaaaay more classy.)

To the tune of "Merry Christmas to You" in the voice of Frank Sinatra

Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire
As she sips her wine of white
Splattered red spots on her dress all aglow
That she will have to clean tonight

Ever since she caught him cheating with that dirty skank
Vengeance smoldered in her eyes
She readied her trap, and lured him to her lair
And sprang it on him in surprise

She knows the cops are on their way
But she hid the body well, so that's okay
And when they question her, she'll start to cry
And beg and plead for them to please find her guy.

But now she's busy planning other things
Since there's just one down out of two
That dirty bitch whore, she won't cheat anymore
She'll make her cry, "Booooo-hooooooo..."

Cognostic's picture
Hark thuu haiw-wipped anguels

Hark thuu haiw-wipped anguels thieeng
gloweee to thhhuu new bonnn king.
Peath on earfh an merthy mieod
god and thinners weckonthiled.

Rohan M.'s picture
@Cog When those little kids

@Cog When those little kids at church sing that song as part of a nativity LOL so true!

And I should know; I once took part in one way way way back in my religious days.

Algebe's picture
When Brits are kept waiting

When Brits are kept waiting unreasonably, someone will inevitably start chanting "Why are we waiting?" to the tune of "Oh Come All Ye Fuckwits". Does that happen in America?

Tin-Man's picture
@Algebe Re: "Does that

@Algebe Re: "Does that happen in America?"

Nah. We generally just start yelling, "This is bullshit! Where's the manager?"

arakish's picture
@ Algebe Re: "Does that

@ Algebe Re: "Does that happen in America?"

Or you like me. With my ADHD and my mind always racing at FTL, I see the line and think, "Oh what the fuck. This'll give me time to maybe listen to some those ideas."

I am an outlier. Although I have ADHD, I also have loads of patience. Perhaps I just can't stay focused on how long the line is.


Rohan M.'s picture
@Algebe Here in good ol’

@Algebe Here in good ol’ ‘Murica, at least one of us whispers “awkward silence” rather loudly when nobody says anything, which causes all who hear to snicker mischievously one by one... it’s contagious.

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