I was raised Assembly of God, an Pentecostal, fundamentalist, conservative Christian. And I bought every bit of it. I was going to save the world for Jesus. I even went to Bible school, but couldn't reconcile the doubts I began to have with the questions that arose from studying the Bible, the very book that was supposed to have all the answers. But I listened to others. I tried to take it on faith, ignore the questions and not think so much. I married, had a bunch of kids, and kept serving as best I could. But I could never escape my doubts and after some family traumas, divorce, and a trip through the mental institutions, I finally allowed my self to ask and explore the questions. I figured if this is God's Word, it should hold up to the question. Boy, was I so wrong.
Now on the other side of that 2 year journey, I have finally realized the last of my belief has vaporized. My daughter mentioned to my parents 2 weeks ago that I was watching atheist videos. So my mom, who watches my children while I work, anointed my house (which doesn't bother me since it can't do any harm) but she told my 14 year old that the atheist videos allowed demons to come in. My daughter states they then heard her window blinds move. I tried reasoning with my daughter. I asked why the demons wouldn't attack me, why would they be after her. She said that my mom told her they already have me so now they are after her. I asked why she would be afraid of the demon if she believes Jesus is protecting her. She agreed, but yet still slept that night in a chair in my bedroom, afraid to go to her room, where she heard the demon go through the window blinds.
This daughter has been sexually abused by one immediate family member and emotionally abused by her father who not only told her she should never have been born to not providing a safe environment for her when she was in his care.
I feel she has had enough fear in her life, and does not need to feel like she has to fear demons.
I wrote a letter to my mom, but am hesitant to give it to her. I don't want her to continue putting fear in my children. I also want her to understand how I got here ( she and my dad just can't understand how i went from radical Christian to atheist) but they are afraid to ask I think. At the same time, I rely so heavily on them, especially my mom, to help with the kids when I'm at work. I don't want to upset her. I also don't really want to take away her comfort in faith either. It was such a hard journey for me. I can't imagine how awful it would be for them, their whole world is their church. So I hesitate, and hold it in.
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