New and could use some advice

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Drenth's picture
New and could use some advice

Okay, I am new here and came to try and get some advice for the very interesting situation I now find myself in. I would really appreciate honest advice and opinions because I don’t really know how to proceed with all of this. Here goes.

So I have been agnostic for years, my previous belief was that there was some sort of entity or entities out there that may have had a hand in creating everything in the beginning, maybe not. And that after that initial push they took their hands out of everything and we could not ever prove if they existed or not. When I got married to my Christian wife she understood this was my belief and accepted it. However I wonder if she accepted it in the hopes that I may one day reconvert to Christianity as her grandfather had done similarly when he was in his 60s. Her whole family is very religious and their faith is a very important and central part of their identity. I respect that and am happy for them, and I appreciate that they have never tried to convert me or change my beliefs. However, recently I have moved from being agnostic as mentioned earlier to being more atheist, believing that the evidence does not support any sort of god or creator to the universe and so shall live my life accordingly, and I certainly don’t believe any single religion. Honesty is very important to me and I want to tell my wife and her family this but I worry now that if I come out as full blown atheist their views of me and our future could change. Does anyone have any advice on how I should move forward? I love my wife and her family, and other than this one thing we all get along together extremely well. I don’t want to hurt them but at the same time I don’t want to keep a secret from them. I especially worry about one of her brother’s who is autistic and his faith is incredibly important to him. I don’t know how he’d react and I don’t want him to no longer be able to get along with me. My wife and her family are also my only support system and people I am close to because of how frequently we move. With no one else to talk to about all of this I’ve come here to the internet to try and find answers or advice to help me decide what I should do. We also have a five year old son and I am okay with him being raised Christian as I will also share with him my own beliefs and when he is old enough he can make the decision on what to believe himself. Please help me.

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Cognostic's picture
@Drenth: ??So I have been

@Drenth: ??So I have been agnostic for years??? What in the hell does that mean? Agnostic Christian or Agnostic Atheist? What do you believe?

RE: (YOU WERE A DEIST AND NOT AGNOSTIC AT ALL) And that after that initial push they took their hands out of everything and we could not ever prove if they existed or not. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deism
YOU CAN NOT ASSERT GOD WAS THE CAUSE AND THEN CLAIM AGNOSTICISM (NO KNOWLEDGE).

RE: "However, recently I have moved from being agnostic as mentioned earlier to being more atheist,"

NO - you are moving from being a Deist to not believing in a creator god (A Deistic God). - Once you no longer believe in God or gods, only then will you be an atheist.

RE: Does anyone have any advice on how I should move forward?
You can begin by getting honest with yourself. Do you believe in a god or not. If not, what difference does that really make? You come out as atheist when you are willing to deal with the problems coming out is going to cause. "Is it worth it or not?" Only you can answer that question but first you will have to get honest with yourself.

RE: "I love my wife and her family, and other than this one thing we all get along together extremely well. I don’t want to hurt them but at the same time I don’t want to keep a secret from them." HOW IS THIS NOT A GOOD START?

RE: " I am okay with him being raised Christian as I will also share with him my own beliefs and when he is old enough he can make the decision."

What beliefs are you going to share with him? You mean beliefs about working hard and getting ahead in life, the value of education, personal hygiene? What does this have to do with the topic being discussed?

ADVICE:
Make the choice that is right for you. Choose to change or choose to stay the same. Choose to deal with the issues that come with change or choose to deal with the issues that come with staying the same. In either case, MAKE A CONSCIOUS CHOICE. Once you choose you can not complain. YOU MADE THE CHOICE. Sitting about and not doing anything is the same thing as choosing to remain the same. FINALLY: Whether you change or not, you can know nothing what so ever about the future so STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. You can either deal with things the way they are or you can't. It's up to you and your life. Good Luck.

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=Coming+Out+Atheist

KNOWLEDGE IS THE BANE OF RELIGION. The more you know, the more likely you are to make a rational and useful decision.

Peurii's picture
Is it really that important

Is it really that important to risk harming reltionships with your wife and her family over religious beliefs? I remember when I became an atheist, I wanted the world to hear and for everyone to just see how utterly silly things they believed in. But really, if the family doesn't do anything too nasty because of their beliefs, like brush over abuse because of tenents about forgiveness etc. is it really that important to tell them? Just avoid the subject. That's what I do with my brother when it comes to politics. I know that nothing productive will come of that subject, so best just to avoid it.

But if you fell you can't avoid the subject or they do immoral thinga or you can't put up a show, talk to your wife first about the subject and see what she thinks.

Grinseed's picture
Denth, Just my five cents:

Denth, Just my five cents: You have described a pretty good family life. Wife, child, family, all who seem to love and respect you, despite their strong faith and their knowledge of your disbelief.

The truth of your atheism won't change whether you declare it or not, but you are risking a world of permanent hurt if you declare it.

Don't be a fucking idiot.

While you keep it to yourself and share your thoughts here at AR you will be fine. If you broadcast your atheism, you will be challenging everyone in your family to reassess their view of you, and for what? You aren't going to change the world for it, but I guarantee you will change the family's view of you and how they deal with you and thats going to generate a lot of turmoil.
To be an atheist doesnt require you to be a overt rebel if the outcome is simply not worth it.

That's what christianity does, with Jesus insisting everyone love him more than family to be a true christian.

Enjoy what you have as a husband and father with your real family.
Rant and rave like an atheist here with us on AR, we're sorta like family.

LogicFTW's picture
@Drenth

@Drenth

My quick 2 cents:

Let your wife know, pick a good time when she is relaxed, let her process, don't rush or hurry anything. Remind her how much you love her and how important her opinion is to you, even if it is different then your own on this subject.

As for the rest of the family? I would mostly keep it to myself, as others said, that might be simply throwing rocks at a hornets nest, don't and you and the "hornets nest" can live in peace. I would strongly recommend not mentioning anything to the brother. I would also suspect the family would be quite protective of the brother.

Finally, if you want perhaps talk to the grandfather that converted, ask him what he thinks, what he believes, and perhaps why he switched. May gain insight to how the family reacts and perhaps even what he really thinks.

 
 

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Drenth's picture
Thanks for all the comments

Thanks for all the comments and advice. I think i’ve come around to what I want to do about it.

To respond to Cognostic I can see all the rambling and mixing up of point I wanted to get across so maybe I can clarify a bit more. Looking more into it you are right, I was not agnostic and actually a deist, but I didn’t know that was a thing for years so I used the word agnostic and it’s kind of just stuck. I have since come to the realization that there is no god or gods, just life that came about naturally through natural selection and random mutation, and the thought of one day finding the point where chemistry become biology is something I would love to be around to see and maybe even assist in researching. But as of recently I am atheist. The best way I’ve seen it put was in Richard Dawkins’ The God Delusion that I am a 6 on his 7 point scale, so open to belief in a god if there were ever proof for one. But as there is no proof and likely never will be I am atheist for all intents and purposes.

For now I’m going to keep my atheism to myself, but will find a time in the future when it will present itself to at least share this with my wife. We will go forward from there but that sounds like my best option and for now not to worry about it. I really appreciate all of the help you guys have offered. It’s nice having people to talk to about all of this.

Tin-Man's picture
@Drenth

@Drenth

Hey there! Welcome to our little oasis of (in)sanity. My apologies for the late welcoming. Things have been a bit hectic on the home front lately, but in a good way, thankfully. I can see you have already been given some sound advice. We have a pretty good group of folks here. We really are like a small family, and we are always happy to have another sibling join in our squabbling and bickering... *chuckle*...

In regards to your little problem, here is my nickel's worth. It has been less than two years since I finally broke free from the debilitating grasp of religion. And after a brief adjustment period, there was something I gradually realized that made all the difference in the world. And it is so incredibly obvious that it was easy to overlook at first. That "something" was the simple fact that.... well... I'm FREE! I no longer have to worry about heaven or hell or god or the devil or any of that nonsense ever again. They are now non-issues for me. With that in mind, it also means (for me, at least) that I do not have to concern myself with what others believe. (As long as they do not cause or promote harm to others, of course.) To each his own, as far as I'm concerned. And that goes for friends, family, or otherwise. And the best part is I have no urge nor need to "come out" to anybody about my atheism. (Unless somebody just straight-up asks me directly for some odd reason, in which case I would answer honestly.)

Now, all that being said, I totally understand you want to be open to your wife (as it should be). And only you can determine the best method and time to tell her. Other than her, though, it really is nobody else's business what you do/don't believe. Basically, just be happy you are now finally FREE. And sit back and enjoy the show of watching all the others bend, stoop, scrape, and grovel at the feet of their beloved Sky Daddy. It really can be entertaining when you start seeing it for what it truly is... *chuckle*...

Anyway, again, welcome aboard. As others have said, feel free to use this site as your sounding board if needed. Meanwhile, I hope all goes well with your wife. Please keep us posted.

Cognostic's picture
@Drenth:

@Drenth:
Sounds like you are putting some things together. Good for you. I don't know an atheist alive who would not change their mind and believe in a God based on facts and evidence that could stand against critical inquiry. The problem is..,.. "So Far. There Is None." In 45 years I have never seen any. What we do see is the same old BS apologetics and excuses. No FACTS. No Evidence. No Logic, Religions leave us with a big fat ZERO. My guess is that more you learn, the more you read, the more you study, the more you are going to move from a 7 to a 9... or even 9.9/ Getting to 10 is asserted but not demonstrated with 100%. Belief is allocated to the degree of evidence provided. That which is asserted without evidence can be rejected without evidence.

Sounds like you have a plan of action. REMEMBER; the person you are does not change because you stop believing in God or gods. It does not mean you stop loving your wife, your kids, your relatives. YOU HAVE NOT CHANGED THAT. *Unfortunately - That is not the way they see it. When you reject their religion you also "REJECT THEM." Yes, that makes no sense. It does not make sense to me and it does not make sense to you. KNOWING THIS: Keep in mind, you will have to reaffirm to those you love that you still love them. You will have to take special care with them because they think you are rejecting them when you reject their silly ideas. I think this is extremely important to be aware of.

Good luck to you.

Old man shouts at clouds's picture
@ Drenth

@ Drenth

Don't be a stranger. Share when you come here , it is a real community.

Drenth's picture
@cognostic

@cognostic
Thanks for the words of encouragement. And for the number it was from a 7 point scale where 7 was absolutely sure there is no god, and like you mentioned someone who is skeptical but not closed off would change their thinking if the evidence presented itself. But I agree, if there is no eveidence after the universe has been around for 13.7 billion years I highly doubt there ever would be.

As for the rejection that is the hardest part I want to learn to deal with. To try and explain at least to my wife that I do not reject her, simply her beliefs, and that I do not wish to change her beliefs. They are hers and she has the right to make up her own mind about things like that. And they’ve never been the type of Christians to harm or wish harm on anyone for believing differently so I see no need to try and convince them to change their minds, simply that mine has been made up from what I have seen.

Cognostic's picture
Good Luck to you.... Please

Good Luck to you.... Please pop in and enjoy the forums and let us know how things are going.

David Killens's picture
Of course honesty is

Of course honesty is important. But what kind? IMO it is critical to be honest with yourself first and foremost. As far as everyone else, being dishonest (to them) may be the best path to a happy life. For everyone.

You do not have to come out, as long as in your mind and heart you understand yourself. My mother was very theistic, and I knew that it would cause her emotional pain and anguish if I came out and informed her I was an atheist. So I never discussed the subject, period. And hopefully, she went to her grave thinking I still believed in a god. Think less of your selfish agenda and consider the impact on those close to you.

Just last Christmas a close and dear friend gave me an unexpected gift of a relatively cheap set of computer headphones. I thanked him sincerely and told him how much I needed just that item. I never told him that two weeks previously I purchased a premium pro gaming headset.

I lied, I have no regret, and I would do exactly the same thing again.

Always, always, always, think of the impact of your actions on others. They are much more important than your ego and personal agenda.

I wish you the best Drenth, and hope you navigate this difficult choice to a proper resolution.

Rohan M.'s picture
IMHO if you fear that it may

IMHO if you fear that it may damage your relationship with them, then don't tell them.

However, if you want to first get an idea of how they would react to your coming out as an atheist, then you could maybe try and "test the waters" by claiming that a friend of yours (doesn't have to be real) is an atheist and seeing how your family reacts to it... an old trick. Then decide whether or not coming out is a good idea.

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