My sister died this morning. She was only 67. Over the last ten years or so, we didn’t talk much, although I’ve stayed in better touch with one of her sons. I feel sad for her children who saw her through her long hospice care and were all with her this morning.
Throughout the day, I’ve reviewed many memories of my sister, some made me smile, some irritated me, but none have made me cry. She was a nice gal, but we are just very, very different people. I didn’t cry when my mother and father died either.
I’m envious of folks who get to grieve when one of their family dies. Don’t underestimate grief’s value and meaning.
I purposefully parented my children in a much different way than I was and created a different sort of family. They will get to grieve.
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Have a Hug, Cyber. A Good Long Huuuuuug.
@CyberLN
Ah, my dear chap I'm so sorry.
Have another hug.
You do not need to cry to grieve..
Mum died on 14 April last year, at 92. I cried at the funeral for about 5 minutes. My most beloved friend, of nearly 50 years, died on 15 July last year. I did not cry for him . I think of Mum and my best friend every day, and I miss them terribly.
Before mum died, the last time I'd cried was in 1991 when my marriage ended. I still grieve for its loss.
We all grieve in our own way.
It is my view that a person who is loved always dies too soon.
@CyberLN
I always sucked at condolences. I could fake it fairly easy with most folks I know, here at atheist republic there is no easy one liners. Only thing I do know and understand at least a little bit is the pain of loss of a loved one.
I thought I was weird that I did not grieve much during funerals. Sometimes I would cry, simply because so many of my family/friends were crying/sad. But I rarely felt much raw grief myself at a funeral, certainly seemed like I felt a lot less than most others there.
Most deaths of loved ones I have come across in my life, were not surprises.
I realized, I did much of my grieving when they were still alive. I watched a family member ever so slowly drink/smoke/pills himself to death. When I realized when he got caught up in it I grieved. When I realized he was addicted, I grieved. When we tried to help him in any way we knew how, I grieved. When those failed I grieved. When he finally passed away, I grieved a little yes, but really I did most of my grieving in the years prior knowing his likely fate.
I have definitely been proven wrong, people I knew that were near death rallied and lived another 20+ years. Always happy to be shown my assumption was wrong.
On the other hand, the few times that someone died unexpected for me, different animal. Once I got over the shock, it was a lot harder.
Oh my condolences CyberLN...
I'm so sorry CyberLN.
I've experienced a few deaths in my time. What I've learned is that we should grieve in our own way, not as a performance to meet others' expectations. I found myself strangely unaffected by my parents' deaths, yet I was brokenhearted every time I had to take a pet on a final trip to the vet. But the death of my wife's sister late last year has really shaken me up. She was such a sweet little kid when I first met her, and now she's gone at the age of just 63.
Now I just try to be person who'll be fondly missed by my kids when I go.
CyberLN... I too have experience the death of family members, and like you, did not grieve the same way that others around me have.
Logic summed up some of my “grieving” processes while the person was alive.
I do want to express my condolences to you.
Sincere condolences Cyber LN.
Grief takes on many forms of expression for dealing with the loss; tears are not mandatory.
My thoughts are with you LN ….
Your post was so melancholy …. I wish there was something I could say …..but as you already know ….there are no words..
So just take care of yourself.
@Cyber: DABDA: The grief process; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.
ACCEPTANCE being the final result of any healthy personality. You don't need the rest to get there. Some people take years to go through the process and some only minutes. Kuba Ross (Stages of Death and Dying)
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being healthy.
Hey there, Cyber. Truly sorry for your loss. And I really wish I had some profound words of comfort and wisdom to offer, but I'm afraid I am in pretty much the same boat as you. Lost many family members and good friends over the years. Most recently my Mom back in 2017. I do not recall ever crying or "grieving" for any of them. Not that I did not love or care about them. It's just that... well... it's like... *searching for right words*... *frustrated sigh*... well, I honestly don't know how to explain it. Although, if I were being fully honest with myself, I would have to say it is very likely my "grief" presents itself in other unrelated ways I prefer not to discuss in open forum.
I've actually thought about it often over the years trying to figure out the reason(s) I don't seem to be as "affected" in the same way as most others. So far, though, no luck. And while I do understand each person has his/her own way of dealing with such things, I've always considered myself something of an anomaly in that respect. For as long as I can remember, I always viewed death as being simply a part of life. However, despite my not grieving for my own loss of family/friends, I tend to have far more concern for the others who struggle to come to terms with their loss. That being said, I sincerely hope you are doing well. And remember, just because you don't cry does not mean you don't care.
" Tin: For as long as I can remember, I always viewed death as being simply a part of life."
I think you nailed it right there Tin. I too have always seen death as being part of life. Thanks for sharing that. Makes me feel less of a heartless psycho.
The only time I did cry was when my wife passed away. Not before and never since. She was a good woman.