@ All
I was moved to compose this poem...the Force was strong this afternoon...so was the boredom...you might want to put your coffee to one side...I hope.
When Adam and Eve ate that apple, and put the rest of us right in the shit,
It weren't possible they knew what they were doing, until they had tasted a bit.
The knowledge of good and evil, sweetened the fruit of the tree,
And god in their mischeivous omnipotence, knew already what the sad outcome would be.
Did that tree have to be in the garden? Was there reason it existed at all?
Any idiot would have known such temptation would lead to our naked pals' fall.
That an omnipotent should be so devious, seems petty and rather perverse,
But wait till you hear what the punishment was:
All mankind to be born under a curse!
Every innocent bairn born outside Eden, god judges lower than a murderous brute,
Not that they're guilty of anything darstard, but because of some damned magic fruit.
No sooner than taking your first breath, before uttering your first lying deceit,
You're already doomed for eternity, because Adam and Eve shared a treat.
Adam and Eve lost paradise, when god showed them out of the gate,
And each got their own sort of hard labour, and we have all shared in that fate.
Now if you happen to make it to heaven, don't get too comfy with harp, wings and cloud,
You might end up like poor ol' Adam and Eve, and do something that isn't allowed.
So if you happen to make it to heaven but you fuck yourself up black and blue,
Try not to be too hard on yourself, cause none of this shits even true.
Grinseed.
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Kewl.
Had to be plagiarized. ;-P
rmfr
It's so kewl, it will be. :-p
That was awesome! And lol, it's so true.
Very nice :)
The thing that makes me laugh about that particular silly story is that it just proves that God is a liar and is not to be trusted. If he had said you will certainly die eventually, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.
What was he thinking putting the tree there? I reckon he must be into mind games.
I mean, for a God who was able to speak everything into existence, and make people out of dirt and ribs, his gardening skills left a lot to be desired.
I wouldn't let him loose on my borders.
(sarcasm)It's because he works in mysterious ways...(/sarcasm) so mysterious that it's as if he's imaginary...
An old joke.
It was the middle of spring and after the hurly burly of the Easter services the vicar decided he would treat himself to a little tour around the township, catch up on fellow parishoners out of church and enjoy the sights he felt he never gave himself time to see.
The highlight of his afternoon tour was coming across the garden of some new arrivals who had moved in the previous year. He had noticed the new owners had not attended any of his services but as soon as he saw their magnificent garden he assumed they must have spent all of their time tending to it.
The large garden that surrounded their quaint little cottage was a riot of sumptous colours. Daffodils, jonquils, tulips, roses, daisys, carnations, anemones, amaryllis, there wasnt a flower he could not see in this amazing garden. A lush green neatly trimmed lawn bordered each carefully laid out flower bed. There was even a special corner for orchids. A carefully tended ivy curled lazily around the cottage like a favourite scarf.
The vicar was thoughtfully taking in the beauty and heady scents of this horticultural display, when a man emerged from the cottage, presumably the owner and gardener, he noted to himself.
"Good afternoon," said the vicar smiling. "I can't help but appreciate your garden here."
"Thank you," replied the man, who only now seemed to notice the vicar's collar.
"Yes," continued the vicar full of praise. "You and God have created a very beautiful and colourful garden."
The man frowned slightly, and scratched his head, and said, "Yeah, I suppose, but you should have seen the fucking mess it was before I got here."
EEEWWW! Adam and Eve Jokes..... I have a favorite.....
On day Adam was moping around the garden kicking rocks. God watched him meander to the edge of the garden plant his butt on a big rock and just sit there. He sat there for hours and so god finally went down into the garden. God walked up to Adam and asked. "What seems to be wrong Adam. You have been walking around unhappy all day today. "Well,,,," said Adam.. "It's Eve/"
"What about Eve," asked God.
"Well... I have been wondering about her."
"What do you mean?"
"Well...."
"Yes,,,"
"Well, why did you make her so beautiful.l"
God laughed,,, "Adam, I did that so you would fall in love with her."
"Okay, but why is she so stupid."
God laughed again. "Adam, I did that so she would fall in love with you."
God was standing in the Garden of Eden with Adam and Eve just after completing all of his creation work. He was holding two bags, and he told Adam and Eve, "Alrighty, kids, looks like everything is in place and good to go."
Motioning to the two bags, Adam asked, "Hey, God, what are those?"
Shrugging his shoulders, God answered, "Oh, these are just a couple of little items I had left over after creating everything. Wasn't really sure they would be necessary, but I suppose I could let you two have them."
Getting excited, Adam exclaimed, "Oh, boy! Really? What is it? What is it?"
God told him, "Well, in this first bag I have a penis. Figured it would be convenient by not having to sit or squat to pee. Plus, you could write your name in the snow while peeing, and it feels really good when you rub it and make it bigger. And in this other bag I ha-..."
Shouting with glee, Adam interrupted God and practically lunged for the bag. "Mine-mine-mine! Oh, man! This is gonna be awesome," he exclaimed as he snatched the bag and ran away toward the fish pond. As Adam disappeared through the woods, he could be heard yelling, "Yoo-hooo, Mr. Carp! I have something to shoooooow yoooooou...!"
With a heavy sigh, God bowed his head and shook it sadly. Then he looked over at Eve who had been standing there quiet and submissive the entire time. Reaching out, he handed her the second bag and said, "Here, my dear child. This one is for you."
Gently and respectfully taking the bag from God's hand, Eve looked up and quietly said. "Thank you very much, God. What is it?"
God tenderly petted the top of Eve's head and answered, "Multiple orgasms."
And I thought it was going to be a vagina.
Then Eve looked into the bag, feeling a bit sad because Adam obviously took the best gift, She saw the vagina. "What can I do with this" Eve asked.
"Well, with one of these." God said, "you can get all of those you want."
One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said. Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first." Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children." Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
@Cog And then God said, "but don't go using that brain to think critically Adam, otherwise you may start to reali- er, I mean, believe that I'm not real. And then he thought, *sigh* Why did I give him a questioning mind and then demand that he never use it? Whatever was I thinking?
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I wonder how Adam came up with the name Aardvark. What was going through his mind?
Good question WCH...Could it possibly be that an aardvark is actually a non-ardvark? Maybe Adam mistook it for an ardvark....where are my meds nurse?
I wonder why softvarks didn't survive the flood.
You're a dad, aren't you?
@Grinseed
How did you guess? They do get better, I promise :D
@ WCH....My kids tell me different, but I did hear my son tell a god awful dad joke recently...the natural cycle remains unchanged.
We need a dad joke thread!
I thought that was in response to my (just for fun) comment. But that comment does not seem to be in this thread. SO LETS DO IT.