I've been a Christian for 15 years. For a long time, I've doubted -- though never too severely. But recently, for a number of reasons, I dived deep into looking for evidences in favor of and against Christianity. What I found was not what I expected; I can no longer call myself a Christian. To me, it seems much more likely that Jesus was not who he claimed to be.
But this has wrecked my life. Not because family rejects me, or anything of that sort; even the Christians I had in my life still love me. However, my world has been shattered. Even as a Christian, I leaned toward nihilism. Now I'm much more nihilistic. I also lean toward determinism, although I admit the irony that I'm even writing about it in this context. The thought of life without this god is not only exceedingly difficult to bear, but incredibly strange. It's like I've been living a delusion this whole time (and in a sense, you can say that I was); now I don't know what to believe about anything. If our emotions are just the result of physical processes and evolution, what meaningful value do they have? Just subjective value? If so, to me, this is a horrible thought. And what about everything around me -- it wasn't designed, but just happened by chance? Why then care about anything? How can I see beauty in chance? How can I love a woman whose personality is the result of chance? ... I'm extremely stressed. I fear that I've misinterpreted, and Jesus is true, and I'll suffer in hell. I fear that I've interpreted correctly, and nothing will ever matter, and my life will one day end -- really end. Throughout the day, it's hard to not sob. Sometimes when I'm trying to sleep, I suddenly gasp and flash to this new worldview, and I feel terrified.
Christianity totally shaped me. I didn't much care about this life, and I wasn't afraid to die; I wanted the eternal rewards, and especially god -- the all loving being who would love me forever, without fail, unlike my human companions who so frequently fail to do so. I say this to show that I was a true Christian; I wasn't in it just for a social network, a sense of purpose, etc.; I really wanted that god. Thus, I am crushed.
Can anyone help me? Is there any advice for me, anything that will give me comfort or help me transition to being able to accept this new reality?
I posted in the debate room because I'm not allowed to post in the other sections. I don't know for certain that gods are false; actually, I still think deism is a likely first-cause explanation (even if no design was involved). But it offers me no comfort to think that such a being exists; it's effectively no better than attributing everything to an unknown natural law.
I'm still looking for evidence; I still plan to search scientific theories, historical evidences, etc. related to Christianity and naturalism, but I have very little hope that I'll ever gain enough evidence to be able to convert back to Christianity. And contrary to common thought, Pascal's wager is incompatible with that system; I can't just 'fake' it.
Choosing to subscribe to this topic will automatically register you for email notifications for comments and updates on this thread.
Email notifications will be sent out daily by default unless specified otherwise on your account which you can edit by going to your userpage here and clicking on the subscriptions tab.