Hi Lost and Broken. Let me start by saying you are not going to hell. I will share a reasonable and perfectly acceptable response for you to consider, when one realizes what a reasonable perception is and is forced to fight a long term mental design that happens to involve being told you're going to hell. Just a reminder, you're not going to hell. There is no hell, there are asteroids in the sky that probably won't hit us, but if they do, they don't care if you were good and bad. Think about that when your brain fear mongers you about hell. Throw it out the window, open a new door, hell is easy.

Now as for heaven. That one's hard to let go right? Believe me, I was raised Roman Catholic, I get it. The catholic or christian guilt doesn't go away easily because you bought into it when you were a kid. Everything you've ever done you dedicated to the discernment of the guilt of not going to heaven, I get it. And I'm not going to tell you that there is a heaven either. Just displace it, God won't be mad. IF THERE IS AN ALMIGHTY GOD, HE DOESN'T WANT YOU BELIEVING THIS BULLSHIT. Let's mind our business and accept that there is a slight, very very slight possibility that there is an almighty God 'upstairs', and let's look into the other more prominent possibilities.

Let's start with the most popular possiblity, the possibility of 'we don't know,we just don't know yet, we're trying, and science is helping us'. Brings your conscience back down to earth right? The reality of science can ease your mind, it's not lying to you, you don't question the results you see in front of you, it doesn't scare you. And when you're eased in such a manner,you can begin to practice proper realistic discernment,not the kind that came with brainwashing and narcissism sunglasses.

I'm not lecturing you and picking on you by the way, this is how you give your new realised ability of seeing what's in front of you a chance to shine. You're seeing honesty, true honesty, just NOT KNOWING THE WHY. Not knowing the why is never a lie.

That guilt of going back to religion, is actually your sincere discernment they taught you to ignore. It's telling you not to turn back, it's telling you there is indeed a lie or more in your foundations (all of our foundations, you are not alone), but the gimmick you bought into as a child(they basically prolonged your narcissism that we are supposed to naturally grow out of, social media gets us too) has your virtues all wired for mono on a surround sound system, ya dig?

Just go blank, meditate, enjoy your true you and enjoy it man. Now you can be a good person because you YOU, because YOU believe in YOU.

https://www.historyextra.com/period/stuart/king-james-vi-i-hunted-witche...

^ How much of what you believe in is because King James couldn't get laid one night because of a storm? Witches dude. Our foundations come from people who believed in witches, killing thousands of people mostly women, creating a mysogynystic foundation of my stuffs better so I'm closer to God, followed by an oblivious narcissistic society of "I'm number one no matter who my virtue games destroy". Study narcissism HARD. Everyone has narcissistic traits, most of our problems for example racism, are actually narcissism problems, society just buys into it and is raised into it with the freedom of individuality to define it how they choose, the most comfortable blanket gets the cuddle.

This pull back in your brain that your experiencing, is you joining the minority of rational, reasonable thinking people, and the guilt isn't God guilting you, the guilt is your subconscious being ashamed of believing in such a gimmick.

This is where you admit you have a problem, which you did, I applaud you, ask for help which you did, I applaud you again, accept help, recognize the problem which is the paragraph directly before this one, have a good cry, forgive yourself for everything you feel guilty for, baptize yourself in your own tears and forgiveness, and start believing in YOURSELF.

Good luck man, I believe in you.

Edit: Oh, get a dog. Because if you start studying narcissism, you're going to need a friend.