The Bible in a Nutshell (Interlude part 1)

Very much like a pie, the bible doesn't add up to much without some filling. But unlike a pie the bible’s filling is made of crazy.

The Tragic Protagonist

Let's go back and fill in a bit of the miscellaneous details of the story, starting from the beginning. If you'll recall there was that talking snake bit back in part one of this series. Well it turns out that The Wiz made a bunch of minions named angels before he made people and some of those minions felt like The Wiz was a real egotistical and self-centered asshat. One of those angels was this dude Lucifer who was the lead guitarist for The Wiz's private metal band that played night and day in his golden mansion in some alternate dimension, until one day Lucifer decided to go for a solo career. This makes The Wiz super pissed and he vows that Lucifer will never get another gig in the golden mansion again. So The Wiz kicks Lucifer out of the mansion and tells him that one day he's gonna set all of Lucifer's shit on fire like a jealous ex-girlfriend. So that's when Lucifer, or one of the angels that joined Lucifer's new band, did the whole talking snake thing that totally tricked eve into screwing the pooch and eating the fruit.

In all fairness, if you've ever read the bible you know that The Wiz's contracts can be a bit brutal to adhere to. Although he does only charge 10% which is rather low in the industry.

The Gambler

After all that nastiness with the flood, The Wiz develops a gambling habit. During this time Lucifer bets with The Wiz that this guy named Job, who is a huge fan of The Wiz, will totally ditch The Wiz if he stops treating the guy all special. So The Wiz takes the bet and destroys all of Job's shit and murders his family with fireballs and shit. Then he gives him boils on his whole body, but Job is still a total fanboy for The Wiz.

Now, there wasn't really anything at stake in this bet and The Wiz and Lucifer just go their separate ways. Meanwhile Job is left broke and homeless and all his family is dead and never to be heard from again.

Tada! Now you're an imbecile Job!

It's All Greek to Me

After the flood folks are calm for a while, but then these people in this place called Babel build a stairway to heaven (that golden mansion in another dimension The Wiz lives in). But a stairway wasn't that feasible, so they built a giant tower instead. The Wiz saw this and was pretty upset, because he's strongly against illegal immigrants. So he destroys the tower and makes everyone speak different languages so they'd be too confused to try and build another stairway to heaven.

This Wiz guy is sounding more and more like a conservative Republican as this story progresses. No wonder the Koch brothers are so fond of this dude.

Foreskins and Other Penis Problems

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So The Wiz supposedly tells Abraham to cut the tips off of everyone's penises one day, which he makes a mandatory thing for any of his descendants to do. Apparently The Wiz thinks the best way for Jews to distinguish themselves from others is to mutilate their genitals. I can only assume that it was common for men to introduce themselves to others by flashing their dongs at each other, making this mutilation of the penis a very good identifier.

Poof! Part of your penis is gone! (That's one of the worst tricks yet!!)

While Abraham is dragging the Jews around in the middle of nowhere, one of his friends named Lot is kicking it in this town called Sodom. Apparently this town was full of "the gays" and The Wiz was super homophobic. So The Wiz sends a couple minions to Sodom to let the folks know that He's not cool with butt sex. So the minions stop in at Lot's house to let him know that The Wiz was fixing to lay the smackdown on Sodom. But a couple guys hear about the minions being at Lot's house and they gather outside and start catcalling the minions. Lot is such a fanboy for The Wiz that he tries to keep the minions from getting molested by these sex crazed gay dudes that he tries to bribe them by offering to let them ravage his daughter in whatever way they please. The dudes outside remind Lot that they are totally into penises and the whole sodomy thing, and Lot's daughter just doesn't get their motors running. This whole mess totally pisses off The Wiz, who tells Lot to get the hell out of Sodom before The Wiz starts raining fire onto the city. Lot boogies out of there but his old lady looks back at Sodom and The Wiz says, "Abracadabra! Now you're a pillar of salt!" Because The Wiz knows you've gotta keep your pimp hand strong.

Yada Yada Yada

From here the book just drags on and on about the descendants of Abraham. We see Abraham has a kid named Isaac who then has a kid named Jacob. Jacob gets into a pissing match with his brother Esau. At some point Jacob asks The Wiz for help and so The Wiz put on a human costume and comes to earth. The Wiz sees Jacob walking through the woods and jumps out of the bushes at him. They start wrestling and The Wiz is getting his ass handed to him on a platter, so he uses his wizard powers to dislocate Jacob's hip. But Jacob is still whooping the shit out of him so The Wiz calls uncle and Jacob is like, "What's your name punk?" But The Wiz tries to be all aloof about it and gives him some garbled existential nonsense.

Later Jacob has midlife crisis and changes his name to Israel. He has twelve sons and one is named Joseph. Jacob is especially fond of Joseph and makes him a tie-dyed poncho. His brothers get jealous and sell him into slavery, but Joseph claims he can interpret dreams and ends up working for a bunch of different dudes in Egypt. This one guy's wife accuses him of getting frisky with her and he gets tossed into a dungeon. But the pharaoh at the time has some dreams about cows and shit and no one can interpret them. So one dude tells pharaoh about Joseph and Joseph says, "Pharaoh dude, I can totally get The Wiz to tell me what the dreams mean!" So pharaoh tells Joseph the dreams and Joseph says, "The Wiz told me the dreams mean you should put me in charge." So pharaoh does that...

Poof! Now you're a king! (Even The Wiz is impressed with that one)

So eventually Joseph's brothers show up and so does Jacob. Yada, yada, yada. A new pharaoh takes over and makes the Jews slaves, and we're back to Moses. Some other stuff happens after Moses and we'll touch on those in the final interlude.

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