On Thursday, January 2, 2015, perpetual American presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee appeared on the little-watched, but cleverly named television program, “Life Today” to explain his reasons for wanting to be president which include, but are not limited to, replacing existing U.S. laws with laws that come from God. Huckabee's system would, presumably, involve strict fines for coveting thy neighbor's livestock and prison sentences for eating shellfish. Huckabee was quick to point out in his interview that his vision of a country adhering to biblical law would not be a theocratic one. How he reached that conclusion remains unclear.

It was at that point the host of the show, a fiery televangelist by the name of James Robison, interjected with a yelp and made the claim that a theocracy already exists in the United States—a secular one.

There are a lot of appropriate responses Mike Huckabee could have parried with. Sadly, rather than a standard “What?” or “Huh?” or “...the hell are you talking about?” Huckabee chose to agree with Robison with as much vehemence as his demeanor would allow. He affirmed there is, indeed, a secular theocracy in place in the United States and it's aggressively stripping Christians of their rights.

Well, if speculative oxymorons are going to be a concern, Huckabee has a lot more to worry about than a secular theocracy nibbling away at Christian rights. Secular theocracies are the mere white tip on the bone-deep blemish of speculative oxymorons. Here is a sampling of some of the infinite possible oxymorons that could ruin a Christian's day:

A Hot Blizzard

Hot blizzards occur when snowflakes change their material states from solid, past liquid and gas, directly to plasma. Each snowflake can reach temperatures of several billion Kelvin, rendering Christian rights completely academic, as Christian atoms begin to fuse and release energy. Once all of Christendom is a solid, hot mass of subatomic particles with the density of a neutron star, and the gravity around it has caused time to slow to a near stop, the debate over whether there is a war on Christmas will seem less important.

Pleasant-Smelling Sewer Gas

Pleasant-smelling sewer gas is a speculative oxymoron that sees standard sewer gas retaining all of its chemical properties, but smelling less like a giant fart and more like warm bagels. The danger comes, of course, when people leave their homes and sniff around the streets looking for the source of the fresh-bagel smell. The world will see hundreds of thousands—if not millions—of Christians lying unconscious on the pavement, their heads stuck in storm drains.

Fast Snails

Fast snails can travel at 103.8% of the speed of sound. Although it hurts quite a bit to be hit by one, impacts are rarely lethal. They tend to burst on contact like a water balloon. No, the danger of fast snails is their metabolisms. To supply the energy they need to maintain such speed, fast snails need to eat 5,000 times their own body weight every hour. That means first Christian gardens will be ravished, then Christian farmland. Without food for the livestock, Christians will soon lose meat and dairy. Eventually, there will be nothing left for Christians to eat but fast snails and let's face it—good luck catching one.

President Mike Huckabee

The most terrifying and disastrous of all speculative oxymorons is, of course, President Mike Huckabee. By his own admission, Huckabee wants to make God the focus of our national government. That might sound rather nice to some people but consider the probability of his referring to a different God than the one they like. A quick survey of Huckabee's positions on current political issues rules out the possibility of his reverence to the Christian God. Huckabee stands in direct opposition to nearly everything Jesus taught. His plan for the United States is to institute a theocracy that is not a theocracy, according to the will of the Old Testament God and not at all the New Testament God. If the retention of rights—Christian or otherwise—is a concern for you, vote for literally anybody but Mike Huckabee in 2016.

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