There is a phrase that Christians in the US like to use a lot that has, until recently, befuddled me: “Good Christian.” As in “He’s a good Christian” or, in reference to Christians who murder and rape, “He always seemed like a good Christian.” I always wondered if anyone could ever, in my eyes, be seen as a Good Christian. It was like a unicorn. Lots of lore and legend about their existence, but never a shred of proof.

Upon reflection, though, perhaps I would be willing to consider someone a Good Christian. But, like a unicorn, I have yet to see one. Even though I’m a totally chaste and pure maiden. This Good (American) Christian would be spending their time, not praising god, but questioning and demanding answers from him. The Good Christian would say something like this when they pray:

Dear god,

I want to start by saying that I love you. Because I have no choice. That is an issue for me. I understand that I have to love you, so I do, but I really don’t like you. In fact, I kind of hate you. What happened to the you that “so loved the world?” Where is that god?

You said and did some pretty hard core shit in the early millennia, but Jesus was supposed to have died so that we could be forgiven for the sins we didn’t commit. Is it because Mary named him Jesus? That was wrong. I mean, he was not only your son, but the living embodiment of YOU. I totally would have named him God, Jr. Don’t worry, I got your back.

Getting back to the issue at hand, I know you get this a lot from atheists, but it’s a fair question. Why the fuck would you, like the United States, give your tacit approval of the holocaust by not lifting a finger to stop it? That is cruel beyond comprehension. The only thing I hate more than it happening is YOU for letting it. (But of course I still love you. As we covered early on, I have no choice.) I could go on an awfully long time about this, but let’s just say you really sucked for a lot of years there.

I also want to address these Acts of Yours that keep happening. Why? I cannot see any rhyme or reason to it. If I didn’t know better, I would have to say they seem like arbitrary, natural occurrences that have been hastened by humanity destroying their own home. But, of course, I know better. Because I’m a Good Christian. I know you are behind them all. Many of your followers believe they are you punishing us for letting all consenting adults choose their own life partners with the full coverage of the law, but that seems like serious overkill. And I stress the ‘kill.’

Why choose random, innocent people to die, in order to punish the wrongdoers? Why not just smite Obama? A lightning bolt to a State of the Union address with a note explaining why he had to go not only seems more efficient, but also far more effective at getting your message across. And while we’re on the subject, why do you hate anyone who believes that all people deserve to dream of real love, instead of insisting that a portion of them must settle with dreaming of an acceptable opposite sex companion?

I have it on good authority that you said you were all about the love. But I don’t see it. I see hatred, and division, and, if I’m being totally honest (I know honesty isn’t really your thing, but I see value in it), pure, resolute evil. I know this can’t be who you are. Either that, or your son is a huge liar. Why are you being this way? I, and all of humanity, deserve an explanation.

I almost forgot to ask, but why, for the love of you, do you support slavery? I mean, even if the people who wrote the bible got it wrong, you have been allowing it to go on since you gave us human civilization. It’s the exact opposite of civilized. And here, in the US, even after we took some measures to stop it, you are allowing young, black men to be murdered by police at insanely disproportionate rates, and haven’t even turned any of the murderers to salt. Lot’s wife just turned around. She deserved it, but racist police officers don’t? I mean, I get that black people weren’t made in your image, but your son was sure as hell made in theirs. 

Now I want to spend a minute talking about children. I realize that, to you, we are all children, but I mean children from a human perspective. You made us subconsciously react to, and feel a need to protect, small mammalian looking creatures. Which children are. And since the evolutionists’ idea that we feel this need in order to ensure survival of our species is clearly delusional, it had to be you. Why?

It has to be so we will want to keep them safe and turn them into good, grown-up looking children who will love you. So why is it Your Will to make so many good people who would be phenomenal parents unable to conceive on their own, yet allow so many abusive asshats to multiply like psychopathic bunnies? I’m sorry, but how does this help you? Or us? But most importantly, you. Of course.

I guess I kind of get rape, because you hate women. We were not made in your image, so of course you hate us. That’s very Republican of you. Maybe not your best quality. I know, you’re perfect. Just hear me out.

While the word rape gets thrown around an awful lot by us, it is a very real, excruciatingly painful experience that can crush the strongest of human beings. I guess that if you decide that some of us just deserve it, I can’t argue. I acknowledge that your judgment has no error. But how is it that so very many women deserve to be raped, but not Hitler? Or Stalin? Or Kevin Smith? Have you seen Dogma? You have GOT to hate that guy.

(I hate to break the narrative, but I am so sorry, Kevin Smith. If you are ever so bored or stoned that you have been reduced to reading this, I mean no disrespect. You, of all people, have to know that satirists, even those of us who are not good at it, often cross the lines of human decency. Also, Dogma is one of the best movies ever made.)

And what about children, even infants, who are raped? What did they do to you? I’m sorry, I really am, but I just don’t see how I can forgive you for this. You are my god, but these are my people. And we all deserve better. Especially those of us who are dependent on the help of others to survive. Yeah, if I’m being honest, I hate you for this. (But, of course, I still love you per my binding contract.)

One last question about children. And this, by no means, is a complete list of my grievances on this issue, but what’s with all the school shootings? I understand that this is predominantly an American problem. But why? If this is because Americans are such terrible people that we deserve no better, why is it that countries who are the least Christian are largely spared this atrocity? Shouldn’t you be punishing the countries that have no faith in you? We even put your name on our currency, for crying out loud.

Why are abuse and rape and murder even things? Because we strayed? Because we have free will? In hindsight, that free will thing must look like a tremendous error in your judgment. But your judgment has no error. So you knew what would happen and, like every tragedy the human race has ever seen, you just watched from the sidelines. If I didn’t know better, I would think we’re nothing but cheap pay-per-view entertainment for you. And you are a complete sicko who is entertained by things like genocide. But that’s not you. You have said so many, many times. Explanations are in order.

When I look at your world, I see so many people who love you and clearly hate humanity. In fact, those two traits arguably go hand in hand. Why would you allow these people to speak for you? Is this really your message? The lone voices I hear that love you and actually love people too are removed from your houses and summarily destroyed by your followers. Again, tacit approval. How can I not believe that this is what you want?

You hate not only atheists, but gay people, black people, scientists (except Christian Scientists, who apparently love literary irony), immigrants, anyone who has never heard of you, women who want birth control, women who want equality (as we already covered, let’s just say that, save a few very rare examples, you hate all women). And Disney. You really have a hard on for Disney. I have to be honest; it’s not a good look for you. I thought you loved us. Loved me. That was what I was supposed to get. No matter what.

And the worst part is that, if I’m a gay, black, immigrant, atheist woman who spends her free time helping others no matter what they look like or believe, or whom they love, you hate me ... but you love child raping priests. That is not okay. At least love me as much as you love the pedophiles. It’s really the only fair thing to do.

If your answer is going to be that everything will be revealed, or you work in mysterious ways, you can save your lack of breath. If everything will be revealed, why the wait? Is this a test to see who can be a big enough douchebag on earth that they deserve eternal life in heaven? What kind of twisted game are you playing? You make the guy in Saw look like a lovely, rational person who just wants to make sure only the strongest survive. Like an atheist scientist who believes in evolution. And is also psychotic.

I guess that, until I get some answers, I will have to let being in your light be enough. Yes, I am a Christian. I am a Christian because I know that when I die, I will be judged by you. I will be judged, not on my good works, or like the heathen Egyptians believed, the weight of the guilt in my heart, but on whether or not I believe in and love you. And despite the fact that you appear to be a complete dick who revels in tragedy, and in decimating everything good in your children, I want to live forever. And I will follow anyone, even a being as disgusting as you are, who can make that happen.

Amen.

After writing all that, I have to take back what I said earlier. I get it, you want to live forever. But at what cost? You love a supreme being who allows all of the things listed here, not to mention the nearly endless list of tragedies I didn’t bring up, to happen. There is nothing good about you.