Five Reasons to Leave Your Religion – Something for Almost Everyone

All in good fun. Five for each religion. See if this works on your friends who have not yet seen the light of reason.

Christianity – Catholicism

If you leave:

  1. You can stop trying to justify the inquisition, persecution of Galileo, and slaughter of Native Americans by the Conquistadors.
  2. You no longer have to kneel in church, so the priest can look down on his flock and get a good glimpse of cleavage.
  3. You no longer have to spend hours trying to find where purgatory, the stations of the cross and some myriad other Catholic doctrines are mentioned in the Bible.
  4. You no longer have to blush while listening to Billy Joel’s song “Only the Good Die Young.”
  5. You no longer have to wonder why the priest gets to drink the wine, and you only get a wafer at Communion.

Islam – Sunni

If you leave:

  1. You can stop trying to explain how the moon split in two parts.
  2. No more prayer 5 times a day, with your posterior pointed up in the air as though it were an anti-aircraft gun.
  3. Fasting will just mean going without food because you’re on a diet, and you can still drink water and smoke.
  4. Alcohol, yes! Humanities’ favorite recreational drug. God must have created fermentation for a reason….
  5. Do you really want women to be second class, and hidden under something that looks like an old table cloth that’s been recycled by someone’s grandmother into a dress? Fashion awaits you!

Hinduism

If you leave:

  1. You can stop trying to dream up imaginary ways to claim that early Hindus knew about quantum mechanics, genetic engineering, and powered flight, and focus on the fact that most of them still don’t use a toilet.
  2. You can actually date and socialize with a wider range of Indians once you give up the caste system – which will materially increase your chances of getting laid.
  3. You won’t have to answer silly questions anymore from non-Hindus about the Thugs, and whether you practice human sacrifice to Kali.
  4. Beef steaks are best cooked rare, with a side of grilled onions and mushrooms.
  5. You can dump the subservience to the husband and father stuff, but still keep the awesome sari fashions.

Christianity – Protestantism

If you leave:

  1. No more trying to fit a triune God (Father-Son-Holy Ghost) into a monotheistic box.
  2. You don’t have to feel guilty that Martin Luther said this about the peasants’ revolt in 1533: “I, Martin Luther, slew all the peasants in the uprising, for I ordered that they be put to death; all their blood is on my neck. But I refer it all to our Lord God, who commanded me to speak as I did.”
  3. No more wondering what the “Grace of God” is in reality.
  4. You can now freely laugh at Mormons.
  5. You don’t have to pretend that you care about poor people anymore.

Islam – Shiism

If you leave:

  1. No more having to revere a guy who lost a fight back in 680 CE.
  2. You don’t have to worry about being a Twelver anymore, and whether the al-Mahdi might show up uninvited to dinner some evening.
  3. Smoked or honey cured bacon is ambrosia, really, trust me on this.
  4. No more self-flagellation.
  5. When you go to a prostitute, you don’t need to get married for the duration of the tryst anymore. Save a bundle in divorce settlements….

Buddhism

If you leave:

  1. You don’t have to agonize anymore over whether you are part of a religion or a philosophy.
  2. Life is no longer suffering, it’s actually pretty fun, especially the sex, drugs and rock and roll – which is what you’ve probably been missing.
  3. No more getting up at dawn to feed the monks.
  4. You never again have to sit in meditation until your butt goes to sleep.
  5. And who really cares what the sound of “one hand clapping” is anyway?

Islam – Sunni Salafism

If you leave:

  1. Your kids can aspire to something more intellectual than the memorization of a book written 1,400+ years ago – and which didn’t make much sense then either.
  2. Wives can actually drive the kids to school and get the groceries.
  3. You can watch movies, where people get limbs chopped off, are thrown off buildings, are beheaded, and are whipped and brutalized, rather than watching it in real life as punishments under Sharia law. There is more splatter in movies, and they can also do it in slow motion.
  4. No more genital mutilation – which should be a good thing for everyone concerned.
  5. You can stop wanting to kill everyone who doesn’t have the same beliefs as you, and just chill. It’s much healthier, and people will stop calling you a terrorist.

Sikhism

If you leave:

  1. No more turbans, which in itself is a good thing, as outsiders usually associate this with snake charming, bureaucrats from the Ottoman Empire, eunuchs, and men who rent out flying carpets for a living.
  2. You don’t have to worry about forgetting the Divine Name.
  3. You can eat at McDonalds instead of the Langar – although that may not be an improvement.
  4. You can be dishonest and cheat on your taxes, like everyone else.
  5. You can stop lying when you say Sikhism has no castes, when it really does.

Taoism and Chinese Folk Religions

If you leave:

  1. You don’t need to burn paper cars, homes, money, mobile phones, and jewelry anymore to make your dead ancestors happy.
  2. You will lack a reason for procrastination and indecision, which could be a good thing or a bad thing.
  3. You can use Viagra – which actually works - instead of some bits of tiger, rhinoceros, or whatever other animal is considered to be auspicious for erections.
  4. You no longer worship celestial bureaucrats.
  5. You won’t feel bad about not being able to walk up walls, stride on the wind, talk to celestial dragons, or drink potions with mercury to make you immortal.

Shinto

If you leave:

  1. The Emperor puts his pants on just like everyone else, it’s just that he has 3 people helping him.
  2. Get over being the children of the gods, and focus on catching Pokemon and watching hentai anime.
  3. Save a fortune since you no longer have to buy Omamori every time you get a new car or house or boyfriend, have a school exam, want a promotion, want to get pregnant, or pretty much every other normal life function that other people seem to manage without kami intervention.
  4. You can stop feeling guilty about the Yasukuni shrine.
  5. You no longer have to be shy about wearing nylons and garters under the kimono.

Mormonism

If you leave:

  1. You can enjoy real history for a change, and not worry why there is no evidence of the Nephites and Lamanites having massive battles with iron chariots.
  2. You can drink tea and coffee, which by itself should be sufficient reason to leave any religion.
  3. No more ultra-ugly magic underwear!
  4. Tithes are a thing of the past, spend your own money or pick a poor person and help them out, rather than pay for a religious bureaucracy that would make the Pentagon blush with envy. 
  5. You no longer have to wonder how the 10 Tribes of Israel (who didn’t have ships) made it to America, and somehow forgot Hebrew, forgot how to smelt iron or even copper, and didn’t bring any food crops with them (wheat or barley would have been nice).

Judaism

If you leave:

  1. You can admit that kosher animal slaughter is cruel.
  2. No more circumcisions! (Why was it that Yahweh could only recognize his own male adherents by looking at their penis anyway?)
  3. Lobster, shrimp, oysters, all await you.
  4. No more feeling guilty when you masturbate on the Sabbath.
  5. You can stop being offended anytime anyone says anything nice about Germans, and buy that BMW you always wanted.

Native American Religions

If you leave:

  1. You can stop wondering why you revere gods who didn’t protect you from losing your land, contracting smallpox, or being a sucker for booze.
  2. You no longer need to wear leather that smells like the dog basket, wear feathers, and pound drums to worship (well, the drums are pretty cool actually…).
  3. Never again will you have to explain that your particular tribe did have names for its gods, and all that “Great Spirit” stuff was really just Hollywood rubbish since they couldn’t pronounce the names of gods in Native American languages.
  4. You can smoke pot or shrooms because you like it, and not worry about whether you’re communing with some forest animal, clouds, or the ghost of your great grandpa.
  5. You no longer need to feel bad because you never understood the point of the religion anyway, except as an excuse to wear leather with fringe.

Zoroastrianism

If you leave:

  1. You don’t have try to explain Zoroastrianism to anyone ever again.
  2. You only have to lite a fire now when it’s cold or you want to be romantic or you need a smoke.
  3. You don’t have to worry about where to find vultures nowadays.
  4. No more guilt about not driving a Mazda.
  5. You no longer have to attend dating parties where everyone else is your cousin.

Christianity - Orthodox

If you leave:

  1. You can get rid of the ugly icons where all the characters look constipated.
  2. You never have to explain that Orthodoxy is not the same as Roman Catholicism, for really very silly reasons that would only make sense to an eleventh century monk with delusions of grandeur.
  3. You can have Christmas and Easter at the same time as everyone else.
  4. No more explanations needed when asked about why the headquarters of Orthodoxy (Constantinople) was conquered by the Muslim Turks if it was really God’s religion.
  5. This will not give you a headache ever again: “The Father is eternal and not begotten and does not proceed from any, the Son is eternal and begotten of the Father, and the Holy Spirit is eternal and proceeds from the Father.”

Jainism

If you leave:

  1. You can use bug zappers.
  2. Fried chicken is delicious.
  3. You don’t have to sweep the floor in front of you, or wear a mask, or drink water through cheesecloth anymore.
  4. You don’t have to explain to people that your swastika is a religious symbol and that you are not a Nazi.
  5. Life without garlic is really not worth living anyway.

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