The Bittersweet Taste of New Atheism

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walkonstyx's picture
The Bittersweet Taste of New Atheism

This won't be anything fancy. I'm just tipsy enough to express my thoughts and feelings in a coherent manner.

I am a new Atheist. For 23 years I have traveled between Judaism (mother's side) and Baptist Christianity (father's side). Just before my 24th birthday (September 10th) I took the frightening step forward to admitting I am an Atheist, although I probably have been for a bit longer than that. It was frightening because for 23 years I have been fed stories about hell, the consequences of not believing, the consequences of sin. I have recognized the inconsistencies in the Bible, and I have changed my views a thousand times within my beliefs to try and make sense of religion and what will ultimately become of humanity.

Just before I admitted to not believing in God, I was frightened. I couldn't understand the transition of believing in a higher power for so long and suddenly stopping that belief. I actually began to convince myself in my mind that if I actually said the words, "I am an Atheist," or, "I don't believe in God/ a god," that I would be struck by lightening or be killed in a car accident or even that a ride at the fair I went to would malfunction and severely injure/ kill me. Somehow I made it through all of this alive after vocalizing to some of my best friends, who are Atheists as well, my lack of belief.

I have a long story related to my beliefs, which I could tell, but I won't. This is going to remain relatively short, in my opinion. What I have found is a bittersweet peace. Suddenly I found myself unhindered by trivial nonsense such as whether homosexuality was a sin (which is a prominent topic in the Bible Belt that definitely can weigh on the mind of a believer who is also not straight, such as myself), or whether I will go to hell for a white lie or saying "God!" after a frustrating event. I have all my morals, but the extra "morals" pressed upon me by religion have been removed. No more guilt about potentially marrying someone not within my religion. Sweet.

On the other hand, It's very disconcerting to think about the afterlife. Do we really just rot in the ground/casket? We don't have souls? Is there nothing after this? Someone very dear to me passed away too soon at the age of 35 just after having her third child. She was a very devout, but very tolerant Christian who was the best boss with whom I'd ever had the pleasure to work. In fact, I grew so close with her that I would go to her house and wash her dishes and distract the kids while she packed for Florida, or have dinner with her and confide in her my beliefs that didn't exactly coincide with Christian morals. And she would respond with nothing but love and understanding. I have to stop before I cry, but my point is that constantly we post on her Facebook how much we miss her, and how we wished she was here. We do this as if we know she can read them. But here in my Atheist world, I have to admit she is gone. This is the hardest thing to do, and something I didn't foresee at all on this journey. Coping has become much more bitter.

Angelynn

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Seenyab4's picture
This was quite beautiful
algebe's picture
Welcome Angelynne, and
SecularSonOfABiscuitEater's picture
Hey I'm right there with you!
Nyarlathotep's picture
I don't know what to tell you
watchman's picture
@Angelynn....
walkonstyx's picture
Thank you to all of those
watchman's picture
@Angelynn.....
tskowronek's picture
I agree with the great word
tskowronek's picture
I agree with the great word

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