This won't be anything fancy. I'm just tipsy enough to express my thoughts and feelings in a coherent manner.
I am a new Atheist. For 23 years I have traveled between Judaism (mother's side) and Baptist Christianity (father's side). Just before my 24th birthday (September 10th) I took the frightening step forward to admitting I am an Atheist, although I probably have been for a bit longer than that. It was frightening because for 23 years I have been fed stories about hell, the consequences of not believing, the consequences of sin. I have recognized the inconsistencies in the Bible, and I have changed my views a thousand times within my beliefs to try and make sense of religion and what will ultimately become of humanity.
Just before I admitted to not believing in God, I was frightened. I couldn't understand the transition of believing in a higher power for so long and suddenly stopping that belief. I actually began to convince myself in my mind that if I actually said the words, "I am an Atheist," or, "I don't believe in God/ a god," that I would be struck by lightening or be killed in a car accident or even that a ride at the fair I went to would malfunction and severely injure/ kill me. Somehow I made it through all of this alive after vocalizing to some of my best friends, who are Atheists as well, my lack of belief.
I have a long story related to my beliefs, which I could tell, but I won't. This is going to remain relatively short, in my opinion. What I have found is a bittersweet peace. Suddenly I found myself unhindered by trivial nonsense such as whether homosexuality was a sin (which is a prominent topic in the Bible Belt that definitely can weigh on the mind of a believer who is also not straight, such as myself), or whether I will go to hell for a white lie or saying "God!" after a frustrating event. I have all my morals, but the extra "morals" pressed upon me by religion have been removed. No more guilt about potentially marrying someone not within my religion. Sweet.
On the other hand, It's very disconcerting to think about the afterlife. Do we really just rot in the ground/casket? We don't have souls? Is there nothing after this? Someone very dear to me passed away too soon at the age of 35 just after having her third child. She was a very devout, but very tolerant Christian who was the best boss with whom I'd ever had the pleasure to work. In fact, I grew so close with her that I would go to her house and wash her dishes and distract the kids while she packed for Florida, or have dinner with her and confide in her my beliefs that didn't exactly coincide with Christian morals. And she would respond with nothing but love and understanding. I have to stop before I cry, but my point is that constantly we post on her Facebook how much we miss her, and how we wished she was here. We do this as if we know she can read them. But here in my Atheist world, I have to admit she is gone. This is the hardest thing to do, and something I didn't foresee at all on this journey. Coping has become much more bitter.
Angelynn
Subscription Note:
Choosing to subscribe to this topic will automatically register you for email notifications for comments and updates on this thread.
Email notifications will be sent out daily by default unless specified otherwise on your account which you can edit by going to your userpage here and clicking on the subscriptions tab.
This was quite beautiful Angelynn, and you also managed to come up with the perfect word to describe atheism: bittersweet. If you need anyone to talk to, this is a good place. Many people here have gone through the same situation, and are very understanding.
Welcome Angelynne, and congratulations on your new freedom.
"Do we really just rot in the ground/casket?"
No. We might stop as conscious entities, but we live on in the hearts and minds of everyone that knew us, especially those we've helped and loved. So as atheists we have an extra reason for living well everyday and being the best we can. For me there is also comfort in knowing that death is the end of all pain, worry and grief.
Hey I'm right there with you! (No religious restrictions on dating is an awesome perk isn't it? Lol) But you're not alone. We don't have the luxury of gaining comfort by saying prayers before taking a risk. Neither can we buy the idea that we're going to meet our loved ones in heaven. I get why this is a luxury for believers and why it's hard to give up, but I think it's better to be enlightened rather than to fool yourself. We free ourselves. Not just from these false comforts, but from the nonsensical rules that come with them. You're 100% correct. It's bittersweet.. at first, but so much more liberating in the long run.
I don't know what to tell you. We aren't offering magic spells or promises of fantasy lands where you can eat gumdrops forever with your friends. Sadly all we have is just the harsh mistress of reality. I hope you learn to cope with this loss you have experienced.
@Angelynn....
I wonder , could you tell me what your friend would say to you if she could read your post...?
Thank you to all of those with kind and empathetic words. I really appreciate that others can connect and understand me as I go through this odd experience (yes, I consider this an odd experience as it is not what I am used to in comparison to my entire life).
@nyarlathotep
I don't expect those types of offers. I'm simply describing the unease when suddenly you realize that when someone is gone, you never see them again. Thank you for wishing me well.
@watchman
It's hard to say. She is a very matter of fact person, albeit loving. She would likely tell me reasons why she believed otherwise, maybe ask me why I decided on atheism, and she would probably admit that coping is harder when you don't believe there is anything after death.
Angelynn
@Angelynn.....
"But here in my Atheist world, I have to admit she is gone."
This is going to sound a little trite....but.... to me it appears that ...
" there in your Atheist world "......she hasn't actually gone anywhere .....
Look at what you posted.....
"She is a very matter of fact person,"......see that..."she is" .....not "was"....
and you know what she would say.....what she would think...and why....
Seems to me you had a very good friend and in many ways you still have........and ,I suspect , you always will have...
Yes ...... it is hard to come to terms with loss......but loss & regret are also part of the human condition.
I agree with the great word bittersweet. There have been times where I almost wished I had such a faith to give me comfort. But that's just a moment of weakness. I feel my atheism strengthens me in so many ways.
I agree with the great word bittersweet. There have been times where I almost wished I had such a faith to give me comfort. But that's just a moment of weakness. I feel my atheism strengthens me in so many ways.