i've joined here just to share some thoughts and feelings that im trying to fight at my best. im 21 year old and was born in a muslim family. my parents and siblings are strictly religious. they pray 5 times a day and abide by all the rules and traditions. in the contray i turned into atheist first when i was 18, i was atheist for like a year. then i fought back and forced myself to be a muslim again. after almost 2 year im again on the verge of being an atheist. i didnt realize that im an atheist until 5/6 days ago, some religious students of my uni invited me and some of my frnds to join their weekly religious discussion. my friend was saying, yeah sure we'll come by. and i dont know from where i realized that in my brain im saying "i'll not come, cuz im an atheist.'' the moment i realized that i thought so in my head, i got kinda scraed. i dont wanna be a atheist, i really dont wanna be that. ive got a great family and a caring boyfriend, i dont wanna loose any of that. i know, if i ever confess this to my family the only thing they will say to me is ''we are ashamed of u'' what they dont realize is that im ashamed and scared both at the same time.
no one can ever imagine what kind of battle im fighting with my self every second, i dont wanna be what i feel. i just dont know why i feel so different? im not doing these stuff to be cool or anything. trust me, i just dont beleive in my religion any more, actually i just cant beleive! as my family is muslim, i know every religion beside islam is not valid, and i know enough reason to not trust any of that. so i dont care about them, i tried to look out for buddhism, but just couldnt beleive that ( though i tried there too). the first time i started to doubt my religion was when i was 17 or so. i had a atheist freind. didnt realize his company will change my thoughts so much. i saw things that i shoudnt have seen. i read things that i shouldnt have read.
since then im trying my best to forget everything and go back to where i belong. i dont wanna accept homosexuality, but i accept them cause i understand what they go through and what they feel. ive read and gained enough knowledge about them to accept them. i really cant help myself. i dont wanna go to eternal heaven or hell. i just wanna die and want that to be the end. i dont want my husband to have 70 female servants as his mistress in heaven. and i dont wanna be queen of them. i just dont. i dont wanna have sex with young kids who werent muslim, yet they will go to heaven to be our sex slave. is this how u reward kids? really? i dont know ALLAH if U are their or not. i dont know, u created me, u know what i feel and U should know me better than myself. if U are really there i want U to help me. ive tried to go to islamic blogs and stuffs like that. all i said or felt like bullshit!! i dont wanna say bullshit. i wanna say subhanallah. i dont wanna loose my family, boyfriend, friends everything. there will be no place for me if i dare to confess even in my dream. i wish there were a way to forget everything... and ALLAh if i die today and U r true then please forgive me. i wish i wasnt me.