New here and new to Atheism

4 posts / 0 new
Last post
Miss_Understood's picture
New here and new to Atheism

I've been wrestling with separating from all the beliefs I was ever taught/experienced.
I grew up the daughter of a preacher. My mother a devout Christian to this day. I told her I have talked to a couple of Atheist's...I guess you could say I have not come out of the closet to just outwardly vocally proclaim myself to everyone I know because I am surrounded by Christians.
One day an Atheist friend of mine put up a post on Facebook after I had been struggling to get a lot of the old things out of my head...then my mind just opened up.
It was a picture that said something like, "I didn't ask to be created or born, why would someone create people to worship them or burn in hell if they don't??."
*light bulb comes on in head*
Since I can remember any part of Christianity in my life it started at the age of 6 when I was adopted by this minister and his wife. (I had a twin as well who was also adopted along with me). All the Jesus and God stuff and praying, etc entered my life......I still lived in fear that this big invisible guy was watching me 24/7 tallying up all my rights and wrongs. So I was extra good so that when my life ended one day and they showed (what I imagined) a big screen of my life there would be no dark secrets. I was taught God even knows my thoughts so I was still tortured if I thought mean things.
When I became an adult I just rebelled big time. I smoked and drank and sewed my wild oats...Then my mom would say, "God forgives, just repent. But you need to show him you mean it and turn away from sin"...
Then my twin died when we were 25. I spent 2 years in a deep dark downward spiral.
My twin sibling had gone to church the day before they died and "gave their heart to Jesus"....went to work that evening and died on the way home the next morning. I sat and questioned and hated then God I grew up loving and believing in. Why, her???
For two years after that I was just baffled.....all I got was, "well at least we know where your twin is now. In heaven. Safe with Jesus"....
Somehow because of my upbringing I was comforted knowing/thinking my twin was in a better place. So I got back into church for 10 years and experienced more of what I felt was mind control. Do this or that and you'll have the favor of God over your life. But the longer I was in church the more my heart hurt. It wasn't until my kids started asking all the questions about what was going on in the church that my eyes were really opening.
I had grown up Pentecostal and the church I was attending after my twins death was Pentecostal...the speaking in tongue Pentecostal....Something wasn't adding up....
Now, excuse me for a minute I don't mean to tout what I feel is some inner gift to read people. I always tell people I'm not a singer, nor am I academically or athletically gifted, I don't like to be in the spotlight...all the greats and talented can do all that....but I sure know how to read/sense stuff with people.
There were some cuckoo's in the church. Always acting highly spiritual in front of everyone and making big shows of them self during worship with elaborate dancing and speaking in tongues. Everything just seemed to manipulated and worked up and there was a lot of politics and favor and cliques and gossip and back biting.
One day I just said, "hey I can go and deal with this out in the real world anyday".....almost everyone seemed so judgmental and hypocritical. Some acting more spiritual and people were FALLING FOR IT!!!!
As soon as I finally quit church.....it took me a year to stop feeling guilty for quitting. I even started thinking I had something wrong with me and that I was the one being the real judgmental jerk.
I just decided to go with my gut instinct. I also liked being able to reason, "Really, I gave up smoking and drinking for 10 years to be a "good Christian".....I knew it was a bad witness for a Christian so I just put it aside all that time I was in church.....But it took me about 8 months after quitting church to finally go, "I sure would like a margarita and a cigarette"......but still felt guilty for wanting it. What if God was looking down on me waiting to punish me for being wayward. I don't drink to get drunk but sure wouldn't mind a night out with some friends....The first 5 or 6 times I drank or went out with friends I was still overwhelmed with guilt.....I was going to be punished......So yeah I did....in that time I prayed my last whole hearted prayers....Hoping for mercy......then going, "is God really tallying everything? and just how does he know what everyone is doing at every instant?".......My husband and I have older children (one in college and one in high school) then we have way younger one's because I had medical problems so they are spaced out.....I just thought it was best to find a safe place so that my younger one's don't have to partake in the madness and beliefs I was no longer sure of....
Then I saw the post on facebook I mentioned previously.......and mulled it over for about 6 months thinking it all makes sense now.....I even came to the place where I accepted my twins death as physical finality not just on this on this Earth but everywhere. No hope of seeing my twin again. I keep my twin alive in my memories and one day I'll breath my last breath and when my conscience and awareness shuts down and my body dies.....that's it for me.....All of the sudden my outlook was like, "Take everyday and embrace it. Give people good memories. When I'm gone I'm JUST GONE but I can leave a legacy of love and memories. Why not do good and just try to relax because by doing good I'm helping someone else feel/live better and that is reward enough....Now I can have a margarita and enjoy it and smoke a cigarette and enjoy it. No guilt except for I know smoking is bad for the lungs! lol (I only do it occasionally)
I decided to be peaceful about my new ways. Not down grade or make fun of those who believe what they want to believe. If believing in God helps them.....who am I to say anything?
Respect what I believe and you get respect in return. I'm tired of seeing angry hateful Atheist who antagonize Christians. I just want to mind my own business and live my life free of a looming condemnation cloud.
Why does a God/creator have to be so vague and mysterious and make people believe by faith or die and burn in Hell?
I would never think of such in raising all of my children. You obey mom or I'll make your life a living hell. No, I choose to raise them to think for themselves and try to live peacefully and to be encouraging and inspiring....
I admit I still have a lot of brainwashing in my own mind to undo......I have no one to talk to.....Everyone around me is Christian or just plain don't give a rip in this life!!!! lol
Anyway that's why I'm here! Hey everyone!!!!

Subscription Note: 

Choosing to subscribe to this topic will automatically register you for email notifications for comments and updates on this thread.

Email notifications will be sent out daily by default unless specified otherwise on your account which you can edit by going to your userpage here and clicking on the subscriptions tab.

CyberLN's picture
Thanks for your story, miss.

Thanks for your story, miss.

I'm so sorry for you for the loss of your twin. I can only imagine how difficult that's been for you. My thoughts are with you.

Coming out can be tough, particularly when you are surrounded by believers. There's strength in owning who you are. Hang on to that. We got your back.

Zaphod's picture
I enjoyed reading your story

I enjoyed reading your story and think there need to be more stories out there like yours for people to read.

Welcome to the boards, feel free to bring up for debate or converse any subject you wish with this community.

I too still have some programming (brainwashing) to undo but I'm unsure I ever will undo it all. It does feel better to know that you can now live by what matters to you rather than by what some people have convinced many others to live by out of fear of punishment form some imaginary force.

Lmale's picture
You wont know who around you

You wont know who around you may be just like you were. There could be friends or family that feel the same but hide it over guilt shame or whatever.
Someone else here just found out her sister was also an atheist.

Donating = Loving

Heart Icon

Bringing you atheist articles and building active godless communities takes hundreds of hours and resources each month. If you find any joy or stimulation at Atheist Republic, please consider becoming a Supporting Member with a recurring monthly donation of your choosing, between a cup of tea and a good dinner.

Or make a one-time donation in any amount.