Go ahead and write your favorite religious limerick. Can't think of one? Just kneel down and pray until it comes to you.
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Bringing you atheist articles and building active godless communities takes hundreds of hours and resources each month. If you find any joy or stimulation at Atheist Republic, please consider becoming a Supporting Member with a recurring monthly donation of your choosing, between a cup of tea and a good dinner.
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There once was a man from Galilee
Who walked water to pee.
A shark jumped up
while trying to sup
And altered the man's sexuality.
They say he died on a cross.
They say he was the big boss.
But evidence lacks,
there are no facts,
So his death really wasn't a loss.
There once was an elder named Lot.
The two daughters he had were quite hot.
But once in a cave
Their daddy they craved.
So drunk they did make him
And preggers they got.
There once was a man made of Tin
Whose limericks could make people grin
He wrote about Lot
Whose daughters were hot
Then burned in hell for his sin!
Jesus was a man who wore sandals
he wore them throughout his scandals
Then they crucified he
on a cross made of tree
and now he is dead!
I believe in my God, let's leave it at that,
As foolish as it seems, him being a Cat.
All relatives know of his violent past,
Which, years going by, wasn't meant to last.
Without relying on threats and needless subjugating,
He only punishes the humans who forget his feeding.
He's generally forgiving other than that,
And given his mood will even sleep in your lap.
Avoiding witnesses and attempts of recording,
He's still by far the best God in my reckoning.
I don't require him to be in no way all-powerful,
Just that he continues to be objectively observable.
http://prntscr.com/k8am7a
Attachments
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Holy Ghost, Father and Son
Christians insist theres not three but just one
And the one is still tripled if your soul is not crippled
But I think
They're just having us on.
This is fun.
I think that I shall never see
the wondrous holy trinity
No Father, Son
No Ghost, not one.
This fantasy's not real to me.
Blessed are the meek says He,
The founder of Christianity
But they pound on doors
and call us whores
So Christian I will never be.
There once was a chap name was Saul
And God said hey Saul kill ‘em all
But he spared King Agag
Maybe even a hog
So Saul is in hell afterall
On water did Christ take a stroll
As a whirlpool created a hole
He almost fell in
Save a man made of tin
A heart his reward for his role
@NewSkeptic Re: "On water did Christ take a stroll"
Hey, I remember that. Yeah, it's a good thing I just happened to have my Donald Duck arm floaties with me that day. Otherwise, things may have turned out quite differently....*shudder*
On the forum one day came Someone
His posts made no sense but were fun
But he could cut and paste
The same crap with due haste
Notions of his sanity undone
(someone stop me, but this beats working on the budget)
Jesus Christ
Forgives your vice
But if you don't respect the name
He burns you all the same
Jesus Christ!
Mary had a special child
Jesus was his name
Although born in a manger
He never met a stranger
Miracles would be his claim to fame.
Yet Joseph the husband of Mary
Had never "known" his wife
Irate he was naturally
For a virgin she claimed to be
So she convinced him "God did it" to save her life.
A man named Jesus cursed a tree
its figs stopped growing eternally.
It withered and drooped
and fell quite dead.
"A Miracle!" the ignorant said.
If you decide to follow me
You must leave your family
Said Jesus
to the crowd
It's a FACT! He said it loud! (Luke 14:25)
Jesus is not the lord of peace.
He promises death to those he meets.
He came with a sword
to kill you and me.
And the ignorant assume he is setting them free. (Matthew 10:34)
Jesus was great,
At least when he died,
Shame after revival,
He continued to lie.
"Abraham!"
Boomed God from up high,
"Go kill your son for me.
Then burn his body
To a charred crispy crackle.
I do love that smell!
Golly gee!"
So Abe led his boy
To mountain top altar
His goal to accomplish God's bidding
And as he raised the knife
To end his son's life
An angel appeared in their midst
The angel yelled, "Whoa!
What the fuck, dude?
Holy shit!
God was just kidding!"
Adam and Eve
Were having a spree
Of chasing monkeys down
From the Holy tree.
God came by,
Asking why,
Only to hear them say,
They wanted to try.
We know they got banished,
And ultimately vanished,
But monkeys thrived in their place,
Enjoying the heavens as cherished.
For monkeys had smarts,
Unlike those upstarts,
Who failed their own beliefs,
Of having come from his farts.
When Jesus arrived at the stoning
He said what’s the crime, they said boning.
So he rescued the whore
And she evened the score
With a blowjob that soon had him moaning.
The bible was wrote in nantucket, by men with their head in a bucket.
They took to the streets while wearing white sheets and said kneel down and get ready to suck it.
This is our leader Jesus, he demands that everyone just believe us. Follow these 12 rules or be willing to lose your family jewels.
We rape, murder and torture anyone. Condoned by the father, the son and the holy one!
So do as we say, don't do as we do, the bible will explain it all like a steamy,lumpy, pile of pooh!
Things like, fuck the gentile and bless the jew. Don't eat pork and bottom feeders too.
The devil was evil, so I put him in HELL. Good luck mother fuckers, I wish you well!
Not really! (god)
I'm told to believe in the writings of Paul
For him there's no evidence at all
Saul or Paul, tall tale or small
it takes some believing, that's all.
The tradition of circumcision
with historical precision,
is guaranteed your entrance to heaven,
But with a foreskin you need intercession
A Virgin was nailed to a tree
Then rose again on day three
He said he'd return
Before his friend's requiem
In that way he fucked everybody
Mary Mary quite contrary
How did young Jesus grow
You slutted around
with men in the town
and told Joseph it just were'nt so.
Noah was a friend of mine
He built an ark of oak and pine
Two by two
the animals came
Then he killed them all in a giant flame.
A Missionary will make you pray
before he gives his rice away.
So drop to knees
pretend to obey
and you just might live another day.
Little Johnny prayed for life
That's the Bible's good advice
Starving, cold
and all alone
Twas "Lack of Faith" his tombstone shown.
.
I've seen him change water to wine
I've seen him walk on the river Rhine.
He does his magic
for all to see
David Blaine is like JC.