I can't really say I have been playing with the idea that God does not exist. It sort of just now hit me, like a repressed memory, or maybe just an extra days worth of knowledge obtained in a day of this life I have on earth, God isn't real. As long as I have been disgusted with Santa Clause and the lie that surrounds his existence, I suddenly feel the same way about God. I am not saying my family or the people I grew up around in the Christian church knowingly lied to me as if they knew this whole Jesus son of God idea was just as fake as the fat old man who squeezed down the chimneys of millions of people in one night, but rather the people who created this God in the first place who initiated the lie and spread it to the multitudes, somehow convincing them it was real. It feels almost relieving not to feel so guilty or like I'm constantly being judged or feeling undeserving.
I have lived the last 5 years of my Christian life out of the church and without praying. I stopped going to church because of the mental conflict I ran into when it came to the word preached at church and the behavior of the people in the church. For some reason I just could not any longer myself to be involved in something so hypocritical. I mean more hypocritical than smokey the bear starting a forest fire. I also found myself unable to pray because of the teachings I learned in church and by reading the bible, being an intellectual I could not bring myself to believe in the teachings of the bible and then also believe that I even deserved to pray. I mean, Jesus, I have tattoos, I have dyed and cut hair, I smoke, I have sex and I am not married, I have had sex with other women, I like porn, God must really hate me, because look at how horrible I am. I do the most awful things in his eyes, so feeling guilty and knowing that I was so wrong in his eyes, I didn't feel deserving of praying to him. I actively knew these things were wrong and against him, but I have no intention in changing them or stopping any of it, so how can I pray. In short- wow these things don't make me a horrible person:. I do not have to walk around feeling guilty and ashamed all the time. I am not going to burn for eternity because I like sex and I have a tattoo. It also feels really good to not be one of the people who believes all of these things are wrong, still does them, and still believes they are deserving of Gods time. please. if what that religion teaches you is true then why are you doing the same things you just walked out of a church building talking about being bad and doing them an hour later???? that's horrible.