And I hate making so many topics to speak on.
However I have been doing research on and off, and I’ve been believing that the Bible isn’t true.. however I still have this emotional attachment to a God that I barely loved. I live in fear sometimes where it can be a moment where I should ask myself “am I Even doing the right thing?”
I feel like if I die one day I won’t go to heaven like I’ll just die and it would be my fault for choosing not to believe.
Yet when I look back at all the time
I spent wallowing in a delusional life.. raising my hands to a lord who didn’t care much about me or my prayers.. (worship) I did what I could to be a good Christian, struggled with lust and hate. Everywhere I turned it wasn’t graceful. The illness of ocd and feelings I developed overtime had me thinking whatever I did that wasn’t according to what my then broken conscience had me want to do then either I would perish or another would and it would be my fault.
I spent years.. not taking care of myself years living in fear in a slow torturous nightmare and all I had was people telling me that it wasn’t God making these things happen.. God apparently wasn’t there.. and I suffered for nothing. Sometimes believing that this somehow has meaning and will lead me to a better place.. I had hope sometimes but I feel like I lost my mind obsessing over hell, my body was slow cooking in an abyss of self destruction and torture as well as my mind. My dreams wouldn’t even be solace, my life and my dreams were nightmares...
One time a woman told me that God doesn’t give what I don’t ask.. and that surely pissed me off.. royally. Like God would literally sit there and watch me die and won’t do a damn thing unless I ask him to. When I did I still suffered for time after time. I got myself out of it.. thankfully so I should be grateful.. but all this (which isn’t all of everything that I went through) plus what God did in the Old Testament, along with me feeling like he created us knowing most humans would
Perish.. for what purpose. Glory? I know someone here said for worship..
like LOVE itself would create life to worship him knowing some won’t and will die forever ? That’s horrible.. that’s not an expression of love.
And I know that you all have provided more than enough info .. I’m tired, my indoctrinated and superstitious mind is sabotaging me and my freedom
And happiness..
I’m in total ruin fighting this and other things everyday.
I’m still here and I should give myself credit.
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I live in fear sometimes where it can be a moment where I should ask myself “am I Even doing the right thing?”
Welcome to the reality of religious indoctrination. They stuff that shit into your brain, give you the disease, and then convince you that they are the only ones who have the cure. I am truly sorry for the shit you are going to have to go through to get over the brainwashing you have been through. Hang in there because there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You will not find an atheist on the site who is not glad to be free of the chains of religious indoctrination.
RE: "am I Even doing the right thing?" "What about all that time spent......" Just answer one simple question. "What does truth have to fear from critical inquiry?"
RE: "I’m tired, my indoctrinated and superstitious mind is sabotaging me and my freedom
And happiness."
1. You are not tied to anything. You just don't know what it means to live life without being tied to a belief system. It takes two people to have a tug-o-war. All you have to do to avoid the war is drop your end of the rope. Just let go. No fight, no struggle, no strife. Once you do it, you will wonder to yourself why you did not do it long ago. All that rope that keeps you bound is as illusory as the stuff it binds you to.
2. If you are in total ruin, that is the perfect place to begin. Life is a bit like the game of "Pick Up Sticks." As soon as you think you have perfect control over everything and all the sticks are neatly in your hand, you have to toss them to the ground. There they all lie, confusing, strewn about, random. The game begins as you begin to pick them up again one by one. This is exactly like any major life change. Everything falls apart and then we put it back together. "A Phoenix is born from the ashes!"
Again thank you for your help I
Contemplated saying more last night in
Thanks however I
Don’t have the words, know that I appreciate your help .
Edited.