We have songs, how about your favorite bible story?

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Cognostic's picture
We have songs, how about your favorite bible story?

Lewis C Clark - The Story of Abraham

http://deturl.com/play.asp?v=oWqMaTYRcCA

Ricky Gervaise - Noah's Ark

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6omFJhKr6o&t=309s

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Tin-Man's picture
Job. Always a favorite.
Sushisnake 's picture
Ditto, Tin Man. I always

Ditto, Tin Man. I always wonder how it made past the censors.

Rushing or Dragging's picture
Saul, (Saul!) Saul, (Saul!),

Saul, (Saul!) Saul, (Saul!), Saul, (Saul!)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=npFUYTrzaK4

Old man shouts at clouds's picture
My personal favorite...every

My personal favorite...every time I read it, it is WTFF?

"David arose and went, along with his men, and killed two hundred of the Philistines. And David brought their foreskins, which were given in full number to the king, that he might become the king’s son-in-law. And Saul gave him his daughter Michal for a wife.

In sane cultures, one slew a dragon, killed a troll, got a golden fleece whatever, but this lot? WTFF?

Diotrephes's picture
Old man shouts ...,

Old man shouts ...,

"In sane cultures, one slew a dragon, killed a troll, got a golden fleece whatever, but this lot? WTFF?"

They were simply fascinated by foreskins. Early Christian men had to whip their wieners out to show that they didn't have a foreskin when meeting new guys. After Paul had to suck Timothy's bloody stump he said to hell with that and went with the baptizing ritual. It was neater and besides, they didn't have a similar slicing ritual for the women. Think about compromising and just getting half cut off. There would be the top versus the bottom halvers and the left and the right halvers as well as the half off the length group. It would be a mess. Aren't Christian men lucky today?

arakish's picture
Favorite bible story?

Favorite bible story?

None of them.

I dislike them all. All of them are WTFF? as Old Man said above.

rmfr

Aposteriori Unum's picture
2 kings 2:23-24. After being

2 kings 2:23-24. After being made fun of by some kids for being bald Elisha summoned two she-bears and they proceeded to shred and destroy forty relatively innocent children...

Gotta love those wholesome bible stories full of wisdom. The lesson here: be careful who you make fun of... they might be highly unstable and disproportionately deliver wrath to all the neighborhood kids.

Flamenca's picture
There's plenty of "fun"

There's plenty of "fun" stories. Just a bit: Judges 14:11-19, Samson loses a bet about solving a riddle for linen garments and clothes, because some men had pressured Samson's wife to know the answer. The spirit of God kills thirty men to steal their clothes and to give them to the ones who had explained the riddle.

Diotrephes's picture
Flamenca,

Flamenca,

"Just a bit: Judges 14:11-19, Samson loses a bet about solving a riddle for linen garments and clothes, because some men had pressured Samson's wife to know the answer."

That's a good story but Samson's purpose is to illustrate that even one of Yahweh's special people isn't exempt from punishment for violating the First Commandment = Exodus 34:12-16 (CEV) = "12 Don’t make treaties with any of those people. If you do, it will be like falling into a trap. 13 Instead, you must destroy their altars and tear down the sacred poles they use in the worship of the goddess Asherah. 14 I demand your complete loyalty—you must not worship any other god! 15 Don’t make treaties with the people there, or you will soon find yourselves worshiping their gods and taking part in their sacrificial meals. 16 Your men will even marry their women and be influenced to worship their gods."

Even though Samson took a walk on the wild side and paid a heavy price he was able to restore himself to Yahweh's good graces and destroy his enemies at the cost of his own life. That theme is repeated in other stories including Yeshua's crucifixion and eventual resurrection, thereby defeating death itself.

Flamenca's picture
Hmm... very interesting,

Hmm... very interesting, @Diotrephes. Thanks for clarifying. The Bible is so obscure some times...

Diotrephes's picture
Flamenca,

Flamenca,

"The Bible is so obscure some times.."

IMO the stories themselves are mostly irrelevant. They are devices to illustrate the Ten Commandments. It's therefore essential to know what the real Ten Commandments are = Exodus 34:11-28. Exodus 34:10 is the basis for the miracles. Once you gain a good understanding of what the real Ten Commandments are then you can easily see how the stories show the consequences of following or disobeying them. Some of the stories include elements of more than one of the Commandments. A large number of the stories highlight the First Commandment, since by being the first one it's the most important one.

As an exercise read Exodus 34:10-28. Then read any Old Testament story. You should be able to identify which commandment it is illustrating and if it shows the positive or negative consequences of following or disobeying it. The New Testament stories tend to veer off of that formula in some cases, but not all.

Flamenca's picture
Very enlightening @Diotrephes

Very enlightening @Diotrephes. Thanks for the help!

Sushisnake 's picture
Does anyone else find Samson

Does anyone else find Samson a complete murdering psychopath? I know Yahweh's righteous men just...aren't, but Samson takes it to a whole other level.

https://youtu.be/NRh7W-Bsg5g

https://youtu.be/h8758UW_RjM

https://youtu.be/T9Sjr2lnoLs

Diotrephes's picture
Sushisnake,

Sushisnake,

"...but Samson takes it to a whole other level."

Samson was definitely a lunatic but he's very similar to the murdering psycho Moses. Samson did his own killing while Moses used his goon squad. When Moses came down from the mountain with the first set of stone tablets he went nuts and had his goons kill three thousand of his own group. Samson collapsed the temple and killed three thousand of his enemies.

Three thousand must be a magic number. Remember 9-11?

Sushisnake 's picture
@Dio

@Dio

True, Dio. The message of the OT seems to be bad things happen to good people because God favours psychopaths, doesn't it?

And yes, I know the theist excuse is Moses/Samson were bad but their victims were much, much worse- I just don't see it.

Diotrephes's picture
Sushisnake,

Sushisnake,

"Does anyone else find Samson a complete murdering psychopath?"

When you think about it in order for Samson to have killed 1,000 Philistine soldiers with a donkey's jaw bone the Philistines would have had to been complete idiots. The story is obviously BS. Even if they didn't have long spears to stab him with from all sides or bows and arrows to shoot him with from long range or knives and swords to throw at him they could have thrown rocks or burning branches at him all day long.

The story is just an entertaining way to illustrate the effects of the First Commandment. It has nothing to do with reality.

Sushisnake 's picture
@Dio

@Dio

Re: "When you think about it in order for Samson to have killed 1,000 Philistine soldiers with a donkey's jaw bone the Philistines would have had to been complete idiots"

I know, right? That's part of the reason I really like Darkmatter 2525's take on it- the way he has all the Phillistines standing in line, waiting their turn. Plus the women. You can mostly pick one of God's Chosen by the company he keeps in his bed- if she's a lying, deceitful, duplicitous whore- you're looking at a Righteous Man.

Diotrephes's picture
Sushisnake,

Sushisnake,

"You can mostly pick one of God's Chosen by the company he keeps in his bed- if she's a lying, deceitful, duplicitous whore- you're looking at a Righteous Man."

I think you nailed that one. There are numerous examples of that in the Bible but I've never made that specific connection till now. Thanks.

Cognostic's picture
Diotrephes: They were simply

Diotrephes: They were simply fascinated by foreskins.

Come on, the Jews were banned from eating shrimp and squid. With just a bit of shrimp sauce a plate of breaded and fried foreskins tastes just like calamari.

Diotrephes's picture
Cognostic,

Cognostic,

"With just a bit of shrimp sauce a plate of breaded and fried foreskins tastes just like calamari."

You left yourself wide opened on that one.

Diotrephes's picture
Bel and the Dragon is a good

Bel and the Dragon is a good short story. It's just 42 verses but it has a lot of vivid scenes and action. https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=belandthedragon&version=CEB

Diotrephes's picture
The book of Susanna is a

The book of Susanna is a detective story involving sexual harassment and blackmail. It's 64 verses = https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Susanna+1&version=CEB

chimp3's picture
Job for sure! God makes a

Job for sure! God makes a Gentleman's bet with Satan. Satan kills Job's sons, daughters, livestock, wealth, home and Job voluntarily remains a groveling twit. God wins the bet and delivers Job the longest chastisement in the Bible. Pure S+M!

Diotrephes's picture
chimp3,

chimp3,

"God wins the bet and delivers Job the longest chastisement in the Bible. Pure S+M!"

There are a lot of takeaways in the Job story. One of the primary ones is that Job demonstrates the price and rewards of being loyal. He didn't run when things got tough. He stayed loyal, which is a major topic in the Bible. Remember how some people abandoned Yeshua when things got tough. But no matter how bad things got with Job he stayed loyal and didn't run. There are several other stories that illustrate that commitment. One is found in 2 Maccabees 7 (42 verses) = https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2+Maccabees+7&version=CEB. A mother and her seven sons are tortured to death because they didn't renounce their faith.

In 2 Maccabees chapter 6 https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Maccabees+6&version=CEB
there's a story of how the 90 year-old Eleazar stayed loyal to his faith although he could have faked compliance to the demands to give it up.

The purpose of such stories is to show that if you profess to believe then you should be prepared to endure the consequences and not to compromise when things get tough. That's actually what we expect of our military personnel when they are captured. Stay loyal even if it kills you.

Peurii's picture
I would say this too, Job for

I would say this too, Job for sure. I would add that, it's made even more hilarioys by how literally patriarchal the story is. His wife and children were killed by God's minions, and in the end they can be replaced like the rest of Jobs property.

Diotrephes's picture
Here's a cute scene from Bel

Here's a cute scene from Bel and the Dragon describing how Daniel got is lunch when he was locked in the lion's den =

Bel and the Dragon 30-37 (CEB) = "30 The king saw that he was in a bind and was forced to hand Daniel over to them. 31 They threw Daniel into a pit of lions. He was there six days. 32 There were seven lions in the pit. Usually they were fed two bodies and two sheep daily, but now they were fed nothing so that they would devour Daniel.

33 At the same time, the prophet Habakkuk was in Judah. He had boiled a stew, put some bread in a bowl, and was carrying it to the people harvesting the field. 34 But the Lord’s angel said to Habakkuk,“Take this lunch to Babylon, to Daniel in the lions’ pit.”

35 Habakkuk said,“Lord, I’ve never seen Babylon, and I’m not familiar with that pit.” 36 So the Lord’s angel lifted Habakkuk by his hair and brought him in a rush of wind[a] to Babylon, right above the pit. 37 Habakkuk yelled,“Daniel! Daniel! Take the lunch that God has sent to you!”

Cognostic's picture
And the lions ate Habakkuk

And the lions ate Habakkuk and the Angel. Everyone lived happily ever after. 19

Diotrephes's picture
Susanna is a good criminal

Susanna is a good criminal justice story, 64 verses = https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=susanna&version=CEB.

It shows how easy it is for liars to conspire against an innocent person and get the person killed. People still do it today when they call the thug cops on an innocent person and the cops show up and SWAT the guy for no reason other than that's their nature. It's good to remember the story when you hear of people being accused of crimes with no real proof against them other than someone's claim.

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