The Bible in a Nutshell (part 2 of 3)

The unbelievable tale of The Wiz continues! We've got rape, betrayal, and even more murder to come.


Our tale picks up many years after Moses leads the Jews around in circles for forty years. They found their special place and Jews are pretty well known.

Artificial Insemination

So Moses got his people out and they built this place called Jerusalem where they worship The Wiz. Several generations go by with The Wiz ordering genocide in his name and having a rather good time of it. Finally The Wiz thinks it's time for an image makeover. So to do this The Wiz uses magic to rape a Jewish virgin girl and implant himself in her body as a baby. This girl named Mary is now impregnated by The Wiz with The Wiz. Some guys hear about this and follow a star to see the birth of the baby Wiz. The baby pops out and Mary says, "We better name you Jesus instead of calling you The Wiz because people might find that weird."

The baby is born in a barn because they were traveling and the hotel had no vacancies. Those guys who were following the star find this baby and give him some gifts of gold, incense, and some oil. And then everybody just does whatever for about 13 years until Jesus starts preaching to priests in a temple. Then another 15 years or so pass without too much fuss and we find Jesus as an adult.

Soapbox Hero

So Jesus is an adult now and he sets out on the mission of trying to make people love The Wiz again. To do this, Jesus invokes super Wiz powers and starts doing magic. He makes a bunch of fish appear out of nowhere and he heals some sick people by putting his hands on them, which I must assume is possible through super Wiz antibodies he spreads through contact. During this time Jesus meets a guy named John the Baptist who likes to splash water on folks, and John sees Jesus and says, "Hey... Aren't you that guy?", to which Jesus replies, " Why don't you splash some water on me too." So John runs around and tells everyone that he met that guy from the thing that those people mentioned that one time.

Of course Jesus, being the physical embodiment of a narcissistic extra-dimensional wizard, doesn't do too good without some minions. So Jesus picks up some random dudes on the way who he asks to give up all their stuff and leave their families and come live the hobo life with him. These guys think this sounds awesome and they all pal around for about 3 years or so. Jesus runs around and tells folks how awesome The Wiz is and does some more magic. He feeds hungry folks some bread and fish because they were out in the middle of nowhere and Jesus is a bit long in the tooth. But there isn't enough for everyone so Jesus says, "Alakazam!", and suddenly the endless buffet was born into existence.

Enema of the State

Among some of the things Jesus did were also some subversive acts against the Jewish and Roman officials such as to walk into a temple and beat the crap out of merchants and money changers. He also stopped some townsfolk from stoning a promiscuous woman to death, which was the law and custom at the time. He even took some time to practice his necromancy skills and raised two people from the dead! POOF! Now you're a zombie! Helluva trick!

Jesus' shenanigans were short lived though, because this asshole named Judas would soon turn him over to the Romans. Before that however, Jesus and his crew sit down for a late lunch and Jesus picks up a hunk of bread and says, "Hey guys, I'm gonna use magic to turn this bread into my body and if you don't mind a bit of cannibalism and you eat it you'll live forever." So the guys all do, and then Jesus picks up some wine and says, "By the way, you've got to wash it down with my blood too." So everyone pigs out on Christ Crackers and Jesus Juice.

A while later they're all out doing their thing and Judas kisses Jesus on the cheek and Jesus is like, "I knew you were playing for the other team Judas!" The kiss was actually a signal to the Romans to know who Jesus was because all Jews looked the same to them. Bunch of racists. So they capture Jesus and put him on trial and Pontius Pilate asks the people what Jesus did to which everyone is just like, "He's a dick! Kill him!" But Pilate says, "I'm not sure what he did but we'll kill him if you want. We were just gonna let him go, but you seem to want us to let this murderer go instead."

So Jesus is savagely beaten and then nailed to a tree. All that asswhooping really gets Jesus confused and he asks himself why he has forsaken himself to which he gives himself no reply and proceeds to die. Let us not forget however that Jesus is actually The Wiz and so he's a necromancer. So after being dead three days Jesus performs his most awesome trick yet and.... POOF! Jesus is now a zombie. Try to top that Penn and Teller!

To Be Continued...

In our final installation, our story wraps up with a few appearances of zombie Jesus and his band of merry hobos continuing to recruit new members to the cult of Christ. Oh.... and there's a dragon too!

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