Thinking Deeply....

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Godlessandfree's picture
Thinking Deeply....

To be quite honest, I have been thinking deeply about some things, things that I cannot speak aloud. Social constructs seem to define so much of our lives, and I wish there was a way to make it stop. I'm realizing, as moratorium settles upon me once again, that everything I once was is now dead. Am I dead?

I'm not depressed, however I have dealt with depression when I was faced with cruel, logical thinking. I cannot fathom how anyone can instantly accept with atheism after they were once religious, for I was, and when I faced the facts of my meaningless existence and the truth of science, I was defiant at first. I did not want to accept the truth, nor did I want to believe that all I'd ever known was a lie. Sometimes I wonder if everything that exists is a lie, and maybe nothing really exists.

I love science, and the more I open my mind and explore, the more I feel I am reaching my full intellectual potential. I am, unfortunately, questioning myself again, my personality, my dreams, and my intentions. I am an atheist. I am partially a nihilist. I want to understand, and now I am lost again from the path I was once on. The road was blocked, so I had to take an alternative route.

This unknown can take me to places I've never been, yet it could also entirely change me. I suppose the unknown frightens me a little, which makes sense, as I am human and am capable of feeling fear, pain, loneliness. I am lonely in my mind. The positive thing about this identity crisis is that I can learn something new about myself, which is my personal purpose in my meaningless life: to find myself.

This little forum honestly probably makes no sense whatsoever, and I dearly wish that I could delete some of my own naive little posts from when I was too afraid to think and when I was new and a naive little child. If you have regretted reading this post, I deeply apologize, I am simply thinking and needed to put my thoughts somewhere. If you have any thoughts, go ahead and post, I will not be offended or hurt by criticism.

Thank you.

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Nyarlathotep's picture
I don't think it is unusual

I don't think it is unusual for you to be a little confused, hurt, or depressed. You've basically just had the biggest promised reward of all time---eternal life and happiness (or as I like to call it, HeavenGreed)---just pulled out from under you like a giant rug.

While I was lucky enough not to go though this experience; I know many people who have and I think this condition you find yourself in is normal, and (more importantly!) temporary.

Godlessandfree's picture
Thank you so much for

Thank you so much for understanding, it means a lot to be understood, even a little bit.

Sir Random's picture
Sorry to show up late to the

Sorry to show up late to the party.... I think everyone here understands...... To a degree anyways..... I'm not trying to steal your style, watchman, but you've rubbed off on me a bit(yes, I've tried bleach. And Clorox. And oxyclean. And Windex. It won't come out.)

And will SOMBODY GET THESE BUTTONS AND SI**T OUT OF MY FACE WHEN IME TRYING TO TYPE! I MEAN SERIOUSLY!(sorry. Please don't let my rant disturb you)

Dave Matson's picture
I think Nyarlathotep has

I think Nyarlathotep has pretty much said it all. It might interest you to know that the atheist newspaper Freethought Today often carried stories of people finding their way into the light. It's put out by the Freedom From Religion Foundation which you can look up on the Internet. If you can access their back issues you will have a treasure trove of personal stories of real people escaping the bondage of religion.

Miles Whitaker-Durham's picture
Only to add that 'meaningless

Only to add that 'meaningless' is not necessarily the case at all. To me, the very question of "What is the meaning of life?" already misses the point, which is THIS, LIFE, this that is all around you - this is the point! Existence is the point, if there was no existence and no conscious creatures in the world, the world for all intents and purposes would not exist, and it certainly wouldn't matter.

Life is all the more meaningful know that it may be the only one we have. So just take a moment to feel what it feels like to be alive. Breathing, seeing, hearing, the field of consciousness that you apparently are, in a poetic and literal sense you are the Universe experiencing itself, because you aren't some other separate thing apart from the universe.

Every day can be meaningful, whether you have some delicious cake, or you hear a bird singing, or you stop to look at a flower or go to a museum or make love to someone or learn something new, whether you push yourself and exceed a previous limitation, whether you are kind to a stranger for its own sake. Life IS the point, it's amazing and mysterious and beautiful and weird and wonderful!

This is it! Right here, right now. You are alive, and there's a whole planet and a whole universe out there to explore and enjoy!

Anne M's picture
Everyone here makes points

Everyone here makes points that are so extremely beautiful i feel that not much is left to be said. For me at least, to appreciate every microsecond of life ask your self this. If you were dying what would your regrets be? There in you will find the things that bring you joy. The unknown is a magic place, everything was unknown to everyone at some point in their lives, treat it with childish enthusiasm and the fear will disappear.

ThePragmatic's picture
@ Andromeda

@ Andromeda

I'm not very active here these days, so my reply is a bit late.

I never was particularly religious to begin with and I didn't have to go through anything like the rapid process you describe. But I can relate to a lot of what you have written about your thoughts and conclusions, both here and in the thread "Nihilism".

I like how you seem so positive despite describing yourself as a Nihilist (those who do often seem to be extremely cynical and depressed). Even though I've had very similar realizations about the lack of meaning, I've never thought of myself as a nihilist, only an atheist.

Today, my view is something like this:

We are primates, essentially just animals. But we are animals who happened to gain intelligence. And only very recently, through advances in science and accumulation of knowledge, have we become aware of the world around us and started to understand it. But we are still very much animals, our minds are not adapted to handle the consequences of conscious awareness of death. Grappling with concepts like our own mortality and the mortality of the ones we love is painful and frightening, even more so when one rejects fairy tails. It's a scary abyss most people want to avoid looking into.

(In my opinion, one of the cornerstones of the success of religions is that they all provide some form of "escape" from death.)

But the lack of inherent meaning in life, other than successfully passing on our genes, doesn't reduce it's beauty. The more I understand about our universe, our planet, evolution, the more fascinating and beautiful it gets.
To have gone from single cell organisms with no meaning or purpose except procreation, to the current diversity of life with collaboration and altruism between species, and intelligent conscious primates, is awe inspiring.

The irony of how most of these "intelligent" conscious primates go about their daily lives, thinking they are intentionally created by some invisible magical daddy in the sky, and therefore don't identify themselves as animals even though their animal instincts rule most of their lives, makes it all quite comical as well.

If it wasn't for the horrors that religion causes on a daily basis, I would view it as a gigantic improvisational comedy.

Don't be afraid to look into the abyss, but don't get engulfed by it. Don't forget to look at "right now" as well and appreciate the simple things in life. Accepting reality, accepting what we are and that the life we have is the only one we get, is all the more reason to appreciate it all.

Godlessandfree's picture
Thank you all, I appreciate

Thank you all, I appreciate you viewpoints. I think that perhaps I was diving too deep into the abyss of the meaninglessness that I forgot to just revel in what is the now, my existence. I often think too deeply about things. As for the depression thing, I have nihilist friends who are not depressed, they just see no point in living... but they do not hurt or think of suicide. I've confronted one of my best friends about it, wondering if he was depressed and he shows no signs of depression. I am happy that I exist currently, but I do not fear death.

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