This post is for those who were believers but have since become atheists. Did you ever say or do something based on your beliefs that made you really embarrassed at the time? I can recall a couple of times.
Long ago and far away, i.e. in the U.K. between completing grammar school and going to university, I worked for a year as a volunteer at a home for physically handicapped children. We had kids with (surgically repaired) spina bifida, three who were deformed by thalidomide, others with muscular dystrophy and atrophy, skeletal deformities, etc. The home was run by Dr. Barnardos, a Christian organization. (The charity still exits but not the homes.)
I was on a team caring for about a dozen kids. Basically, we functioned as parents when they were not in class at the attached school. One morning, I was helping Paul get up. He was 13, had spina bifida and was thus incontinent. I was changing his diaper/nappy. (Changing a soiled, yard-square diaper on a 100-lb. teen is a story for another day.) I sat him back up, then he buried his head in his hands and started sobbing.
“If God loves me like we are told and pray every day, why did he make me like this and why doesn’t he answer my prayers and heal me?”
In that moment, I realized that I had no valid answer for him. I was 17, superficially a Christian by childhood indoctrination, but not in deeply or an active church goer. I mumbled something about God still loving him, that whatever he did, God would be close and that he was assured a place in heaven. It was just about enough to help Paul get it together again. I was shaken and embarrassed.
Fast forward 20 some years, my wife and I were living in New Jersey and attending a church with a female minister. At this time, we actively attended church, and a couple of times, when the minister was away and there were no other alternatives, I even led the service and preached. (That’s another story – but it will cost you a single malt scotch or two to get it out of me.) Anyway, one Sunday morning, I was subbed in as the Sunday School teacher for the teenage boys. So, I read a bit of scripture and, according to my lesson guide, then asked, “What is the greatest power in the world today?”
Mark, screwed up his face and gingerly replied, questioningly, “Magic?”
To which yours truly said, “No, the power of God is the greatest power.” He didn’t believe me, neither did I, and it showed. I never did Sunday School again.
I’m sure true believers, surfing the confidence of belief, would have had no problems in either situation. My lack of faith shone through, even then.
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Yes, Alembé, when I was a devout christian I was frequently embarrassed by my belief. To avoid excessive shame I'll skip the sharing of anecdotes, but it was profoundly embarrassing at times. When it became clear to me that I'd been mistaken about god and the bible I pivoted with extraordinary speed. I flew out of religion like a bat out of hell, and I don't think I've slowed down since. I must come across as driven and uber-passionate on occassion, but I feel I have good reason to be. Leaving a lifetime of withering shame and doubt and soaring into the shimmering light of reality and reason has been the most profound and impactful event of my existence.
1) I don't have a belief so no, I have never been embarrassed.
Alembe:
Your story about Paul highlights one of the core evils of religion. God is good, so if there's something wrong with you it must be because of your unworthiness. Poor kid.
We need to cast off these medieval ideas and focus our minds and efforts toward finding solutions. And above all, we need to stop asking the opinions of men in black dresses about things like stem cell research.
As to your original question, I'm embarrassed that I ever took any of their crap seriously. But I was just a kid, and I was conditioned to believe that my teachers knew what they were talking about.
Religious beliefs are embarrassing because they are of the 'blind' kind. Fortunately for me, I never took them seriously.
Having 'belief(s)' seems inherently wrongheaded. I don't 'believe in', nor have I a "set of beliefs". I believe anything only to the extent it can be supported by reason and evidence.
Double edged sword, this belief thing. Disbelief is merely a belief (that no god exists). Semantics.
I have not been embarrassed by my (dis)belief but it has put plenty of people ill at ease while others ask to prompt a debate I do not care to have with them.
I can understand the sensitivities these things bring to light so these days, if asked, I tend to tell people that my religious convictions are not something I share. This tends to immediately distant them and call up defensive posturing as if they'd committed a social faux pas. Coming straight out and claiming atheism leaves people more at ease than shunning their question does. So, I let them know it's none of their business just to bring the gravity back into the topic that puts people on notice that they are not privy to asking any old question of someone their (limited) minds call up. In this case, obey all signs (including the mental ones) that read "Don't feed the animals."
I can vividly remember when my faith was first shaken to the core. My son 3-year-old son was in a children's hospital for a month with failure to thrive syndrome. During that month, I witnessed more pain and despair than I thought was humanly possible. It brought me to tears every single day seeing the various conditions, cancers, birth defects and diseases.
I can remember telling my wife that if there is a god, than god is the most evil creature ever to exist in allowing innocent children to suffer in such manner.
So, while this wasn't embarrassing -- it was definitely the time I felt the most inadequate and helpless.
Sure. I was in India many years ago, and asked my hosts about their hindu religious beliefs, and then expressed some degree of skepticism about their particular religious beliefs and dogma
During my second year as a surgical resident, we had a 13 yr old Child referred to us from the paediatric department with Wilms Tumour (Kidney Cancer). The Tumour was larger than expected but the seniors staff was confident of a cure if resected and so we put her on a plan for chemotherapy followed by surgery.
Probably one of the most beautiful souls I have seen, The child was patient and adjusting and went through the horrid chemo process without complaining. Yet as angelic as she was, her mother was equally demonic. she picked a fight with the entire staff, stole stuff from the wards and even left her child and went away with some fellow only to return a month later. She would refuse to buy food for the child and other necessities. (At one point my fiancé and me were paying for the child's meals)
Any way after 4 chemo cycles we saw a significant decline in tumour size and decided it was a good time to intervene surgically. The mother was counselled, However she decided to take discharge and go home one time before the surgery, vowing to return in 2 weeks time. we were reluctant to discharge and tried to convince her with no avail. invariably we were forced to discharge.
(The entire treatment was in a government Hospital and so free of cost.)
6 months later the mother returned with the child. she seemed pale and unhealthy. They had tried some ayurvedic remedy and visited some tantric(mystic) and Babas/Gurus and what not. The tumour had spread beyond the capsule surrounding the kidney and had encased the Aorta.
We put her back on chemotherapy in a hope to shrink the tumour but it did not work. We borrowed a bypass machine from the CVTS department in an attempt for radical resection. However on exploration we found the abdomen plastered. The quackery had left its mark and we could do nothing.
A couple of days after the surgery during my rounds she for the first time asked me; "what will become off me." Unable to bring myself to tell her I asked her to have faith that God will deliver her through this time, to which she almost instinctively quizzed back "is that so," knowing all too well what was her fate to be and having sensed the guilt shame and fear in my eyes.
Soon she went into a coma and passed away a day later. It was one of two most trying times of my residency. I wept uncontrollably and almost quit.
The next time someone asks why I am opposed to theism I'm tempted to recite your tragic tale. Thanks, Charvak, for sharing this poignant experience. It is a bitter reminder of how humanity's well being is sabotaged by delusion and dogma and the suffering that follows in its wake.
After thinking about it... no. Hinduism doesn't really put you in that position. I've never had to door knock and preach. The only obligation I had was to play the Dantal (a musical instrument) after repeatedly not wanting to. However, It was personally humiliating when I prayed even though I pretty much knew it didn't work. I felt powerless and confused in those situations.
I was Embarrassed on our Pandit's (spritual leader) behalf after he went on a one and a half hour long angry rant about how high financial contributions should really be... in the middle of service. Ironically, it was NOT embarrassing to tell fellow members why we stopped going to temple after that.