Hello my name is Francisco, I am from the Ivory Coast. I have been raised first has a catholic, then an evangelist back when I was living with my parents. After sometimes I gave up secretly on religion because it wasn't making any sense at all to me, but as an african it is not easy to open up even still now that I am almost 25. At the age of 16 I moved in the UK with my mother (Faithful believer in Jesus, Evangelist) and I met a girl I like when I was 19. She is Muslim and I had no idea at the time what was the religion about. Seriously. I was busy learning about media and living life as a young adult. When I tried to read about Islam, it didn't make sense in my mind like all other religions anyway but I was happy to be with her as long as It didn't involve me changing my religion.

After three years together, We were thinking about getting married. So she started to talk to me more about her religion. So she gave me a book about Islam. This was the most poetic and probably the best book I have read about islam. This lead me to think that the religion wasn't so bad at all. I then decided to try the religion for her lol. Man that's when I mess up really really bad.

Since I was a Muslim then it was ok for us to get married in the view of her parents and my parents were scared for me but no one told me really because they didn't wanted to offend me or make it feels like they were against me and stuffs like that. Even still I was sort of like a Muslim, I wasn't reading the quran or anything really religious. The reason was simply that the day I try to read the quran I knew they was going to be a lot of problems after I read the first few pages and I was scared of the consequences.

A year during our marriage and me having to blindly pray, I couldn't carry on and had to hide myself in my room when it was prayer time and the fact that my wife was pushing and chasing me all the time wasn't helping.
One day I cracked and told her I can not carry on pretending because there is too many things in the quran that does not make sense to me and probably a lot of other things that goes against even my sense of moral. She was offended, she told her mother and we almost divorce as she said to me "I can not be with someone who is not muslim" . We both agreed that we were going to separate. But we couldn't get ourselves to actually do it. We were one year in the mariage and scared of people reaction of us divorcing already. I was personally so disappointed and still devastated by all of this. We kept living together like nothing was wrong blind in our actions and we still do. But there is a problem now..

She is 7 months pregnant and I literally want to cry every single time I think about what our child is about to go through. I have been almost two years living in a muslim house and I never felt so stupid. The psychological impact of religion in people is so underestimate. I feel less of myself, it is like my brain is shutting down to learning and progress, I am fighting psychologically to keep this mindset that the people have around me from killing my mind. And now to think that I will have a child and that child will be born to believe that there is a god that he must pray every single day of his life, rules that he must follow or will go to hell. His view of the world in a single box. I feel like I have betrayed him before he was born. I feel like I have failed him, I feel depress everyday, I was secretly thinking about my divorce now I can't.

I am seating here downstairs in my office at 5:00 am in the morning, thinking about where to go from here. If I walk away from my marriage what will happen to my child? I am scared, really really scared but I know that is something soon or later I will have to do. I want to surround myself with like minded people, and at this moment I have no one to go to. I feel alone in the dark. I feel like I am dead. I need advice please, anyone helps. If I divorce here in the UK what are the procedure, what will happen with the kid? I am so silly and stupid. I can't stop beating myself and I don't want to carry on in this or I will end up doing something really really bad.