I was brought up as a Christian and was, a long time ago, quite an active churchgoer despite persistent doubts. This past year, as a result of study, rational thinking and introspection, I realized and accepted that I really am an atheist. My wife is a Christian from a very religious and conservative family. We have discussed my philosophical change extensively, she accepts it and it is not a source of friction or animosity between us.
Despite her support, I am reluctant to “come out” to her family and our friends. If I were 40 years younger and in college today, I would do so unreservedly. However, I question if her family and our friends would be so understanding; many of them already have trouble accepting that we are liberals. We are also at that time of life when illness is more likely to strike, thus social and family support networks are so important. I do not wish to risk alienating either of us from these support networks.
Consequently, I am still believed to be a Christian by the family and last year I was asked to say a prayer just before the family Christmas dinner. In response, I composed and said a respectful prayer. For that action, some may label me a hypocrite, others a coward without convictions; I consider that I was being pragmatic for that special occasion.
I ask myself if all these other people really need to know. I do not intend to deconvert any of them. If I continue to be a good person, why is it any of their business? Have others faced similar decisions? I would appreciate any positive suggestions.
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I am facing that problem right now. My in-laws are insanely religious. My wife, however, was not supportive of my decision. I am mostly worried about our kids well-being and protecting them from the trauma of a Christian upbringing.
I will come out to her family for two reasons:
1.) If they don't support me as I am, they are not a support network. And being forced to live a double life will ultimately be destructive to my mind.
2.) Perhaps I can be the support network for another family member who is also battling the illogic of religion. My wife's friend committed suicide because he did not want to come out as an atheist to his ultra-religious family but couldn't stand the thought of living on his own.
I'll say it again, it's easier to abide by the rules of engagement than to die by them.
I'm an atheist. In certain circles no one needs to know that. In others, it's normal table talk.
If a man finds his strength in a circle of theism then it is the selfish man who would defile that circle.
You are trapped but it is a harmless one. Unless you are willing to commit yourself and immediate family (wife +) to exclusionary conduct from the extended family and friends, and accept that isolation, then live and let live. Religious people who can accept atheism are rare. Devout Christians are among the least flexible.
Coming out, as you label it, is to say that all along you harbored doubts. I think all people harbor that deep within themselves but keep it buried there. Your open declaration of atheism would shake some of them pretty badly while others would take it in stride.
Atheism, unfortunately, needs to be a safe-guarded philosophy about life because it's open declaration amidst a world needing to know there's a god watching over it serves no useful purpose for anyone.
Do you "need to"? No. Would I? Sure. (My situation is not entirely dissimilar, and I did.) I don't see any need to be combative about it, but quietly, privately when the entire table has not unwittingly asked you to lead the group in prayer, it's fine to let them know that you are not comfortable doing that and why. If any of them "leave you" or your connection to them becomes compromised in the process, then they are not worth "connecting with" in the first place, so you've lost nothing. If they try to fight with you about it, I just take the "I'm not interested in arguing about it. I'm just letting you know. No more prayer leadership for me." Good luck!
Just as an FYI, the only place it has caused friction for me is in terms of the exposure of my child to it. So we had a frank talk. We go over to eat with them on religious holidays. We eat, and we politely observe the rituals, but do not partake in them. We are there to support them in their belief because we love them and we are family, but we are not there to believe or to practice ourselves. And they know that they are not to invite my son to partake in rituals, etc. We eat. We watch very respectfully. But we don't participate. Every family, every person has to work out their own details and levels of comfort. That requires communication. And that is, admittedly, not always comfortable. But the more we talk respectfully about it, the easier it gets. The first few conversations might be quite rough though. I won't lie to you. Breathe deep. Speak slowly and carefully.
Your situation is not that easy but sooner or later they will find out your true belief. Honesty is very important in your relationship with your in-laws, so you have to prepare the right way of telling them that you're already an atheist.