You couldn't make it up...

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Whitefire13's picture
Re: love song

Re: love song

A smile cracked my lipstick and tears welled up in my eyes, as mascara streamed down my face...no one has ever understood me so well. You were the perfect one night stand. Forgetting my name, but remembering the flame of passion.

Cognostic's picture
@Whitefire13: Roses are red

@Whitefire13: Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have no fucking idea how to end this poem, I'm still hiding from you!

Sheldon's picture
Roses are red, violets are

Roses are red, violets are blue, I've got a gun, get in the van.

Tell me that's not funny...

Tin-Man's picture
@Sheldon Re: "Roses are red,

@Sheldon Re: "Roses are red, violets are blue, I've got a gun, get in the van."

Only if there is free candy in there.

Cognostic's picture
He he he ,,,, Roses are red

He he he ,,,, Roses are red, violets are blue, foreplay is over, lay the fuck down.

cranky47's picture
Roses are reddish, violets

Roses are reddish, violets are bluish, If it wasn't for Xmas we'd all be Jewish.

Roses are red, Violets are blue, and mine are black.

doG's picture
@crunky

@crunky

Red roses are classy, blue violets are skanky, all these fuckin flower jokes, are making me cranky...47.

Tin-Man's picture
There was an old man from

There was an old man from Nantucket...... Uh.... Oh, errrr.... Uh, just disregard... *waving hand in dismissal*...

Old man shouts at clouds's picture
Roses are various colours,

Roses are various colours, violets are actually violet, why cant anyone get anything right!

MUPPETS!

cranky47's picture
@Tin-man

@Tin-man

Mary had a little lamb, she kept it in a bucket---perhaps not.

Mary had a little lamb, with it she used to sleep, now the lamb is a ram---no, no, definitely not. (with apologies to Mr Ollivander )

Umm, When Mary had a little lamb, people were very surprised, but when old MacDonald had a farm they couldn't believe their eyes.

The truth about Mary and her lamb:

Mary had a little lamb, Its fleece was white as snow, everywhere that Mary went the lamb was sure to go. It followed her to school one day and a big dog ate it.

Tin-Man's picture
@Cranky

@Cranky

Little Jack Horner
He had a big bo-... uh...
He was a big groaner... (No-no-no... Oh, gee...)
He, uh... He worked on the corner?... (Dang-it, not much better. Hmmm...)
He liked a cute moaner! (Yes!... Nope.)
(Aw, fuck it.) Little Jack Horner liked to go fishing. THE END.

cranky47's picture
@Tin man

@Tin man

The boy stood on the burning deck , his pockets full of crackers. A spark flew up his trouser leg and blew off both his knackers.

The boy stood on the burning deck, picking his nose like mad. He rolled it into little balls and flicked them at his dad.

Q What is long ,orange and travels underground at 200mph

A An E type carrot.

Q How do you fit 4 elephants into a Volkswagen ?

A Two in the front, two in the back.

Q What is the difference between a truckload of coal and a truckload of babies?

A You can't unload coal with a pitchfork.

David Killens's picture
Row Your Boat Song

Row Your Boat Song

Roll, roll, roll your joint
twist it at the end,
take a puff,
that's enough
and pass it to a friend.

Cognostic's picture
What's little and green and

What's little and green and can chase its own ass at 100 miles an hour?
A frog in a blender.

What's red and black and white, but can't turn around in a hallway?
A nun with a harpoon in her back.

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and red?
A nun, bouncing down the face of a cliff.

How do you get a nun pregnant?
Shave her head and dress her up like an alter boy.

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and Acne?
Acne comes on your face AFTER you are 13.

cranky47's picture
@Cognostic

@Cognostic

There was a little boy who wanted a watch for Xmas.So they let him.

Last time I was in the US, I learned a bit of the culture. A man said "have a nice day" . I didn't so I sued him

There was a faith healer of Beale
Who said,"although pain isn't real
When I sit on a pin,
and it punctures my skin,
I dislike what I fancy I feel "

"There once was a priest called Thring.
He spoke of God ,and other such things.
But his real desire
Was a boy in the choir
With a bottom like jelly on springs"

(Stephen Fry on ,QI)

Cognostic's picture
@Cranky: Be careful on your

@Cranky: Be careful on your trips to the USA. You know there is a difference between a robber in California and one in New York. In New York a robber sticks a gun in your back and says, "Give me your money." but in California, they have to get to know you first.

cranky47's picture
@Cognostic

@Cognostic

"@Cranky: Be careful on your trips to the USA."

On my first visit to NY, had the use of my Uncle's apartment. It was on the corner of Park Ave and 33rd st .We walked one street, turning onto 34rd . Just a few metres in we came across two uniformed police officers, each carrying a small cannon at his hip. They stood in a door way, and were sharing the contents of a brown paper bag-------we turned around and went back to the apartment ----

Day two, at Grand Central Station to catch a train to visit my cousin Muzz in Connecticut----walking towards our platform---- there is this 7 foot black man standing in front of us, with his hand out. Quoth he ; "Gimme dolla" . Me : "Mkay, handing him a dollar"
Says he "Thank you, have a nice day"

Day three: Wanted to go on the circle line to go around Manhattan . It's less than a mile from the apartment. Unc. nearly blew a fuse when I try to insist we'll walk. At his third attempt to get us to take a cab he says "TAKE A FUCKING CAB!" So we take a cab. It's about 10 am, ,and we are driving through Times Square The place is full of junkies, hookers and porno theatres. I thought the missus was going to faint, her eyes were on stalks. --to add insult to injury the hot dog I bought on the boat was cold and the bun was stale .AND the Statue of Liberty was covered in scaffolding for cleaning. BUT the guy driving the boat gave an hilarious commentary in what I assumed was a thick Brooklynese .

I became turned around a couple of times while we were there. Putting on my broadest Aussie accent, I asked for directions. The people l asked were polite and helpful. I guess they were from out of town.

There was a Deli downstairs. Had wonderful hot pastrami sandwiches on rye bread .Sunday morning, terrific bagels and cream cheese,--all washed down with these huge cans of beer .(don't see them that big in Oz) AND I got a discount for buying six. Here you have to buy a slab (24 bottles or cans ) to get a discount.

All in all, I quite liked New York

An American cousin warned me ;"Make sure you are always nice to America. Otherwise we'll bring you democracy. "

Cognostic's picture
Most Americans think they

Most Americans think they have democracy in the country. They don't actually know what it is and it should be obvious, they would not use it if they had it. I think we are someplace near 50% of the population who turn out to vote. America is a Representative Republic. Our elected representatives are supposed to represent us once they get in office.... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ..... Instead, they play the game and get rich. FUCK THE PEOPLE. It's the American way, "Every man for himself." "Rugged Individualism." "Pull yourself up by your own boot straps."

cranky47's picture
"Most Americans think they

@Cognostic

"Most Americans think they have democracy in the country"

The word 'democracy' is about as vague as 'christianity'. A one word oxymoron if you will .

Athenian democracy was rule by referendum. Each eligible voter had a say in all important matters. That was about 1/3 of the adult population. Women and slaves could not vote.
.

Our systems are NOT democratic. We elect people who allegedly vote on our behalf. In practice elected official almost always vote on party lines. (in Oz at least) If they do not, the cannot get party endorsement.

In Oz our Prime Mister is NOT elected directly by the people. He or she is simply the leader of the party which wins office and must hold office in his/her own right. The party can and does remove a Prime Minister at any time by electing a new head of the party. This has happened six times in the last ten years.

---no bloody wonder Aussies tend to have a healthy contempt for politicians.

A broad personal observation:

It seems to me that the American style of democracy emphasises the right of the individual, even at the expense of the majority. US gun laws are a perfect example. It has long seemed to me that America leans more than a little towards Libertarianism . IE "I'm OK, fuck you Jack"

Australian democracy emphasis equality, even at the expense of the individual. Our gun laws are a perfect example. The worst mass shooting in Australian history occurred at Port Arthur, Tasmania, in 1996. Within a few weeks stringent new gun laws were law. It is now very difficult for an urbanite( mosts Aussies) to legally own a firearm. Even farmers and professional hunters** are restricted in the type of weapons they may own.

Oh, Australia has no Bill Of Rights.

**professional hunters cull kangaroos and hunt feral introduced animals, which do enormous damage to our eco system. Of course farmed animals such as sheep and cattle, also do great damage but oddly, nobody seems to talk about it.

Mrs. Paul Owczarek's picture
You can eat the sheep and

You can eat the sheep and cattle + the milk and wool.

cranky47's picture
@Mrs Paul

@Mrs Paul

"You can eat the sheep and cattle + the milk and wool."

I think that's a straw man. I was explaining about the damage they do to our environment . Pretty sure that's not in dispute.

Their food value is another issue . I reject the notion that the food value of sheep and cattle justifies the environmental damage they do. Or indeed that such a comparison is relevant. They do great damage and that needs to be treated as an urgent problem, period.

Besides, animals are an inefficient way of creating protein compared with plants.

Am I saying sheep and cattle should not be produced on open range in Australia? Absolutely. I think it's time the world began moving away from animal protein.

Cognostic's picture
@Cranky: As much meat as I

@Cranky: As much meat as I eat, you would think I would disagree with you but I don't. I actually think weening the entire human race off of meat might be a good thing. (Except for the annual bacon fest. :-) We certainly do not need to eat as much as we do. I will miss all the steaks, pork chops and bacon but I'm on board with the protein change. (I just don't want to go first!)

Grinseed's picture
Following on from Cranky,

Following on from Cranky,

The introduction of traditional northern hemisphere farming and animal husbandry was the single greatest eco-disaster to hit Terra Australis, which for the greater part of its geological history had been a massive shallow sea (as the opalised skeleton of an ancient dolphin metres underground at Coober Pedy attests).

The hard hooves of cattle and sheep have done inestimable damage to soil containment for the past 200 years. We would have been better off domesticating the kangaroo, whose populations are naturally guaranteed (kangaroo are immensely prolific breeders) and whose soft padded feet do little to disturb the soil. Farming them only requires really really high fences.

I believe the same goes for camels which were introduced in the 1800's for transport across desert regions between cities and towns. With the arrival of improved motor, aero and rail transport the camels were let loose and became feral. Recent attempts to domesticate and breed camels have resulted in the sale to the Middle East of much prized Aussie racing camels. The large broad camel foot is far more accommodating to the environment, however, as large unsupervised feral animals they do immense ecological damage to the delicate desert environs. There are likely to be problems here I am unaware of but does anyone know what camel meat tastes like? The urine I understand has many many uses.

The first English settlement in New South Wales, almost perished and disappeared from history, in the first three years due to lack of food. For the most part the soldiers and convicts were saved by the instruction of the native Koori who introduced them to the nutritious plants, "alien" looking animals and sea foods available but invisible to the European eye. When relief ships arrived bearing salted beef and mutton, the advice of the original custodians of the land were dropped and largely forgotten. Its way over due to resurrect that knowledge beyond the quaint native lore that has been limited to amusing tourists and primary school students.

cranky47's picture
@Grinseed.

@Grinseed.

Superb post, lucid, intelligent and insightful. Translation; I agree with all you say.

Algebe's picture
@Grinseed:

@Grinseed:

European settlement also brought vast destruction in New Zealand. Huge areas of forest were burned to create pasture. The giant kauri trees were ripped up to produce gum. Seals, whales, penguins, etc., were slaughtered in vast numbers, usually just to make oil, with everything else just discarded.

Europeans also introduced animals from home. That started with Captain Cook releasing pigs all over the place. They're now feral and dangerous. New Zealand also has plagues of rabbits, deer, foxes, stoats, weasels, sparrows... These have no natural enemies in New Zealand other than man.

The Maori, who only arrived in New Zealand a few centuries before the first Europeans, were not wise custodians of the environment either. While not on the same scale as the Europeans, the damage they caused was significant. They introduced dogs and rats into an environment where most niches were occupied by birds. Birds that live in holes like rabbits don't cope well with mammal predators. The kiwi that survived the feral animals were also killed for food and feathers. They're still around, but only just. The Maori also hunted the moa, a cow-sized flightless bird, to extinction. That led to the extinction of the Haast eagle, which I think was the biggest bird of prey ever. I would love to have seen one of those in flight (from a safe distance!).

And then there were the things that people did to each other. Some Maori tribes obtained European weapons and went to war on other tribes. Many of the weapons were bought in exchange for preserved tattooed heads. Europeans, including missionaries, would go to Maori settlements to select the heads they wanted from among slaves captured in wars. The selected slaves would then be tattooed, decapitated, and eaten.

Grinseed's picture
@ Algebe

@ Algebe

I have always been intrigued by the idea that nearly every niche, usually occupied by carnivorous or herbivorous mammals in other countries, but missing in New Zealand, was filled by a species of bird. Birds that took on the role of carnivore predators or took to grazing at ground level and losing the ability to fly, finding new effective ways to survive, like their ground bound mammalian counter parts.

And while there were still 'normal' birds they were unique in some remarkable way, like Haarst's extinct Eagle, the largest eagle in the world, who grew on the flesh of herbivorous flightless Moas which could reach sizes in height of up to 12 feet and defended themselves with two long powerful talon-ed legs with which they could also achieve considerable running speeds.

There are a lot of parrots in New Zealand too, some flightless. The Kea is the only true alpine parrot in the world. It has the reputation of being the smartest parrot in existence but I cant see evidence for that compared to the Sulphur Crested Cockie. Those numb skulls Keas decided to become accidental carnivores first feeding on carrion. It was later reported some flocks began attacking sheep and eating them, the dumb arses. I believe they are the only species of parrot stupid enough to have a bounty put on their dull little heads. Pretend eagles.
In any case they aren't as sleek or resplendent or as clever as the Sulphur Crested. Just saying.

I always thought New Zealand was a crappy name for an island archipelago blessed with so many varieties of endemic and exotic birds. Just sailing along the coastline Capt Cook complained the bird song was deafening and that was well after the Maoris had arrived. Aviaria might have been a better choice or maybe just Birdland?

Is it true that Moa in Maori means "I like a leg?"

Algebe's picture
@Grinseed:

@Grinseed:

Keas are remarkable birds. Very smart, and very aggressive. They're beautiful too in their own way. Their plumage is mostly dark green, but underneath their wings is brilliant red and orange, so they look totally different when flying. I'm pretty sure they'd have your sulphur crested for breakfast and then vandalize the car that brought him up their mountain. The bounty was taken off in the 70s, and the key is now protected, but they still get killed eating road kill. And farmers still shoot them when nobody's looking.

I didn't know that "Moa" meant "leg like". Google translate says it means "chicken". Some chicken! Most Maori bird names seem to be imitations of their cries.

The only native mammals in NZ were bats. Everything else was birds or reptiles. It was last major land mass to be settled by humans.

New Zealand was named by the Dutch Explorer Abel Tasman after Zeeland in Holland. The real name of the country is Aotearoa meaning "long white cloud", which is the first thing you see when you approach by canoe. The South Island is Te Waipounamu ("place of jade"), and the North Island is Te Ika a Maui ("Maui's fish"). I like the Maori names. The English names are a bit dull imo.

Old man shouts at clouds's picture
@ Grin

@ Grin

So the previous (prior to Maori) inhabitants of the islands lived in harmony with the nature there? Did I read somewhere that the last ones were not killed off until the 18th century?

I also seem to recall reading that their dna was very close to the Hairy Ainu of the northern Japanese Islands (the aboriginals)

I liked the NZ wildlife, the parrots are especially intelligent and accomplished thieves with a liking for windscreen rubbers and anything shiny.

Algebe's picture
@Old man shouts: So the

@Old man shouts: So the previous (prior to Maori) inhabitants of the islands lived in harmony

The Maori first arrived around the 13th century. Before that there were no human inhabitants. Europeans created a myth that the Maori had supplanted an earlier race called the Moriori as a way of justifying the European takeover of Maori lands. The Moriori were actually a sub-group of Maori that migrated to Chatham Island. They were invaded and slaughtered by Mainland Maori in the 19th century, but I think there are still a few hundred of them left.

Old man shouts at clouds's picture
@ Algebe

@ Algebe

Yep, see that. The history of the Moriori I read sometime ago....peaceful Maori who paid the price....apparently the last full blood died in 1933.

The Maori always impressed as a group, reminded me forcibly of the Scots (which is why those two groups seemed to have assimilated rapidly) who also practised such internecine warfare as a way of practise for the real enemy.

I think maybe the English, realising that there was such a similar population in NZ to the one they had been fighting for 500 years maybe decided a treaty was a better way forward.

And yes I stand corrected on the original inhabitant malarky. There is no evidence for such a thing, despite some neocon right wing nut jobs claiming NZ was settled by Greeks and Phoenicians ...wtf?

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