Are you and your partner on the same page?

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Lauren's picture
Are you and your partner on the same page?

I recently met up with a guy who wanted to share his troubles of coming out as an Atheist to his family. He mentioned his primary problem is coming to terms with his wife who is fairly religious and involved with the church (and even tithes $300/mo!). He wanted to go to an Atheist gathering and she prevented him from going. He also pointed out that when he first started dating his wife he told her he believed in God when really it wasn't significant to him, but nonetheless it is now a core part of their relationship. I'm not being mean but that sucks for him!

I feel for couples that kick their relationship off on the core principles of religion and then one partner ends up dropping out.

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Unknowntyper's picture
Wow $300.00. I think he

Wow $300.00. I think he should go to his atheist gatherings. and she should decide if she loves him enough to not be a religious jerk. You do not "prevent" someone you "love" from being themselves... That's controlling and manipulative.

Armin's picture
I am a happily married to my

I am happily married to my Christian wife. She has no problem with my atheism and she even attended a Free Thinker's meeting with me. I went to church with her as well.

Unknowntyper's picture
That is a refreshing report.

That is a refreshing report.

Zaphod's picture
I feel bad for both of them

I feel bad for both of them it's one thing if he was being honest and did still believe in God when they started dating and things changed but it's another if he was just saying whatever it took to get to stay in a relationship with her. Honestly if the later is the case I only feel bad for her because she was lied to and she took him as a partner under false pretenses. If he changed after they started seeing each other and decided he no longer believes in God like he once did that's just a bad situation all around and I feel for both of them this is true even if he was on the border of belief in God, but he should have been fully honest with her they both deserve full honesty from their respective spouses when it comes to relationships.

If they can not move past their differences their relationship is likely doomed. Sucks that she is trying to control him though, that was definitely not cool and as was mentioned prior manipulative. If she loves him she will let him go out and explore figure things out and maybe even pray for him if she believes it will help. In her mind unfortunately she probably thinks she has to do everything in her power to prevent him from going down the wrong path which at the present time in her mind is the path toward atheism.

If you are looking for advise I would need to know much more about the situation they have together before offering advise for him. Advise to you would be, be careful as this guy seems like he could be confused and I am not calling him a liar with so little to go on but confused people can inadvertently change their minds a lot as they work their ways through their confusion I would advise not getting to close with this person until they have sorted themselves out. I know from your previous comments that you are seeing someone and this probably doesn't need saying but if he is losing his religion this could be a turbulent time in his life and mind about many many things like being friends lovers ect. ect. can change a lot during such turbulent times. It can be hard to form a friendship with someone who later wants nothing to do with you as they look back and associate you with a time when they had what they may consider a dark hour.

As general advise, I think this guy is still on the fence and I'd advise telling him you would be their friend no matter what he believes but you believe he has has to work that out for better or for worse when it comes to his relationship with his wife and family but advise him to be sure he has worked it out before coming out to his whole family about his beliefs. I think this guy may need to go through a period of serious soul searching. But he should be open about his feelings with his wife and if he loves her he should be willing to sacrifice certain aspects of his life for her as she should be willing to sacrifice certain aspects of her life for him. This man really needs to determine what important to him and act accordingly. He also needs to know what important to his wife and if they care about each other they should be willing to make some compromises for each other. One last thing though never trust anybody who talks trash about their previous loved ones.

Lauren's picture
That's cool Armin. How long

That's cool Armin. How long have you been married?

I agree with you also Zaphod in feeling for the wife. I know we tend to demonize theists but they do deserve honesty and respect especially when it comes to relationships. The guy did say that he lied about believing in god. I know that was not nice to do and now he is paying the consequences. Sometimes though I don't think non-theists understand how deep theists can be in their beliefs. Like I remember speaking to my grandma about heaven and hell and I was appalled by how serious she was on the subject once she knew my non-belief. I had never seen her so serious before. I am still amazed to think she is disappointed that I won't be in heaven with the family when to me it is all fairly comical, fairly foolish. I did not expect her reaction.

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