Worked 12 hours a day to save money, left college to leave my country, in the end realized the money is not enough. Parents took loans, still fell short of money.
Here I am, a 19 years old student, graduate of year 11, with no college and no university right now.
No, that's not the sad part. I actually never gave any fuck about studies.
It took me around 4-5 months to stabilize myself as an atheist in a conservative country. I lived and still live among a family of which some members are orthodox practitioners of religion. I have no friend, nobody to talk to and I'm a user of 4 anti-depressant tablets everyday (the amount has been varying since 2-3 years). It was religion which destroyed me. I became an atheist on the 29th of May, 2018. Spent my summer holidays debunking Islam. Why? Well, I don't know. I wanted to make sure it's not correct and I did find the answer to every question I had. Islam, just like any other religion, was a man-made lie.
Initially, it was hard to keep answering questions and debunking something which I didn't even wanted to hear the name of anymore but I wanted to do it. I wanted to make sure my decision is correct because I was someone who had memorized this religion's entire bible-like book and much more, even learned its hebrew-like original manuscript language.
This is how the progress started:
1) Became interested in religion in 2014
2) Started memorizing the religion's book in 2015
3) Started learning the book's official language (Arabic)
4) Finished memorizing half of the book at the end of 2015
5) Finished Arabic course in mid-2016
6) Encountered a mental illness called religious OCD
7) Went to scholars, psychologists, psychiatrists and attempted 5 suicides
8) Asked billions of questions about Islam and sins but received no satisfactory answers
9) Eventually started becoming sick of the religion
10) Gave my parents a final chance to help me and answer my questions about Islam. The questions were important because to me, Islam looked like it was sending everyone to hell. Everything was accounted for and as a religious OCD patient, this was fucking me. (April, 2018)
11) Left religion on May 29, 2018
12) Knew nothing about atheism and all other religions were by default taught to us as fake so I was religionless. I decided to tell myself that I'll probably return to Islam but the only way would be to forget all the questions I have.
13) I failed to forget the questions because nobody could answer them. Everyone had failed, every scholar of Islam had failed. I too failed in answering them so I decided NEVER to return back.
14) Begin my journey of debunking Islam. Read 13 books in 22 days, watched thousands of videos, came to know about Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins and some notable other personalities which I will prefer not to mention for their security
15) When internet stopped giving me satisfactory answers, I joined Atheist Republic to look for what others had to say about my questions. The result was unbelievable. It seemed as if I was raised as a moron purposely. Atheist Republic helped me answer some of the hardest Islamic questions of my life and helped me understand even better that Islam is wrong and so is every other religion (July-present)
16) I decided to leave my country forever. Did everything, left all my studies, parents tried to help because after all they are my parents, but money was not enough. I couldn't imagine on going somewhere only to return after 1-2 years. I wanted permanent shelter somewhere where Islam would not be found. I was allergic to Islam and other religions. (October, 2018)
17) When nothing could be done, I decided to do a 1 year course in Malaysia (Muslim country, yes, fucked up decision) to cover finish 12 years of education. I got accepted in 2 universities for a Foundation, Pre-university course. (Mid-october, 2018)
18) I felt like I'm making a mistake. I should not go to a country of illiterate motherfuckers. But I didn't know what to do. Malaysian embassy gave me 10 pages of health tests. I was speechless. One of the pages was about mental illnesses and another one was about psychiatric drugs. I was a big anxiety and depression patient, how could I clear these health tests? I didn't give up though. I left my psychiatric medicines for 1 week and then gave the test. My tests were ALL CLEAR. (21st October, 2018)
19) I made a mistake. I should have NEVER left the psychiatric drugs. I started having nightmares during the week of drug withdrawal. 3 nightmares were seen that shook me inside out and made me feel like I should kill myself (21st October - present)
Nightmare 1: I'm in a shopping center or somewhere, several people noticing and informing me about two horned people behind me. When I ask someone a question in the dream, they tell me to ask the two white horned people who are behind me. I saw nobody behind. Sometime later I do see these supposed people who are known to me as angels in the dream, but they look like horror movie ghosts. I hadn't seen any horror movie since 2-3 months so I don't know why I saw this shit. Another angel comes and tells me that I'm going to die in 3 months and that I will burn. I suddenly wake up, not in reality, but in another dream. That is, all that I had seen so far was a DREAM inside A DREAM. So, there's this main dream in which I'm dreaming, I wake up from that dream and go to lounge and see everyone of my family sitting there on carpet except dad who is on sofa. Mom tells me, inside the main dream, that she saw 100% same dream as me except that two angels told her she'll die in 3 months. Same thing is narrated by my brother.
COMMON POINT TO BE NOTED IN THIS DREAM: I shout, HOW THE FUCK IS THIS POSSIBLE? HOW CAN ISLAM BE TRUE? BUT I HAD READ ABOUT ALL ITS LIES!
I see my soul leaving the body and then suddenly scene is shifted to my body falling of a building and BAM, it crashes on the floor.
Nightmare 2: An unknown voice in the sky, which is known to me as god in the dream, starts making me fly and showing me things. I ask him if you are Allah or any other god. He says no.
Nightmare 3: Mom's sitting on a sofa, I'm infront, sitting on carpet. I put water on my left arm and it disappears, and then I do it again for few more times and it again disappears.
COMMON POINT TO BE NOTED IN THIS DREAM: I shout, when the water disappears, HOW THE FUCK IS THIS POSSIBLE? HOW CAN ISLAM BE TRUE? BUT I HAD READ ABOUT ALL ITS LIES! I CANNOT BE WRONG!
=========================================================================================
Few days ago I asked an explanation and point of view of atheists on my nightmare #3. I received many answers but it seems like the dream is haunting me.
I made the biggest mistake of sharing all these dreams with my mother after I saw all the three nightmares. She started telling me weird things that this is a sign and etc and that son I get a feeling by god that god says that he's not angry with you because god knows that you are going through hard times so god still loves you and blabla.
Then she says, remember son, when nobody is with you, allah is always with you. Remember that, then she starts crying.
=========================================================================================
I am not able to satisfy myself with the fact that all the nightmares I saw were just dreams and they don't prove islam to be true. Now just because I can't satisfy myself, I'm planning to jump off the roof of our house and just die. I'm tired of pain and anxiety. I want to have peace and wish to fuck off from this country and house and family. I wish to be alone but I have encountered extreme anxiety again because of these nightmares at a very bad time. I was supposed to be going abroad and could have gone but this condition is fucking me. I cannot go anywhere in this condition because it will be fuck my brain since I have to do part-time work, study, travel and do all shits by myself. I will literally die.
I am in desperate need of an atheist psychologist who can do counselling to me but there's 0% chance of that in where I live.
Sometimes I think, the only solution to end every pain is to just kill myself.
Help me. I feel finished and can only think of death as a solution. It all happened because i shared dreams with my mom and her absurd reactions. Otherwise I was ignoring the dreams. Now it's done and it's fucked up. There's no answer to why I saw such a fucked up nightmare (Dream #3). It has had a bad effect on my brain and I feel as if islam is true but fuck the mother of islam. I don't believe in it.
I'm fighting an internal battle. My mind knows islam is false but at the same time that dream has had a very strong effect on me along with mom's fucked up comments.
Sometimes I really wish I could just fucking sell myself and fuck off from this country and family. I am on the verge of suicide and facing mental torture everyday. I know this is fucked up but would there be anyone willing to help me get an asylum visa or perhaps sponsor me or something. I swear I'm ready to fucking sell myself to any of you just to get the fuck out of here.
I cannot get an asylum visa because it needs proofs of physical violence on body. Nobody has hit me and nobody dares to do so but everyone's comments in my house are enough to mentally fuck me while I'm already taking anti depressants.
Please either help my fucked up brain in understand and debunking my 3rd dream or tell me a painless way to die. I can't live anymore.
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Your notion that dreams can prove ANYTHING (not just Islam), in my very UNPROFESSIONAL opinion; suggests you are in a very fragile state. Obviously you shouldn't do anything rash while you are in this state.
While you might be finding it impossible to find an atheist psychologist, perhaps a psychologist who is a member of a different religion (Christian, Buddhist, etc) would be a reasonable compromise in the short term. There are also online psychologists that you can talk with.
As far as dreams go: I'll tell you about a dream of mine (I'll try to post it here in a few minutes) and maybe it will give some perspective.
Seek3R,
Please, please, please give yourself the gift of talking with a professional counselor. We will do our best to support you. A counselor or psychologist, tho, can provide so many tools you can put in your coping kit.
So many of us have taken advantage of the help offered by these professionals and I’d bet the vast majority of those of us who have will tell you it was WAY worth it.
One night I dreamed I was back at the college I attended and worked for. I was on the top floor of a tall museum building and everything in the place was coming to life and killing anything it could. I was trying to help defend students and get them down the stairs on each floor into to the basement. I was failing until my dog came to help me. I was especially terrified of the room with the Egyptian statues and mummies that had animal heads on human bodies, and I let my dog take care of that room without entering it myself.
Upon reaching the basement, I discovered it contained a huge shipping dock. At the piers where 2 enormous jellyfish, the size of warships, and they were lashed to the docks like ships. I joined the other facility members who were frantically pouring a magical oil over the students that put them into a kind of hibernation state for 6 months. We were then lifting and lowering them into holes in the jellyfish while other workers inside the jelly fish were stacking up the students up like fire wood. Others were attaching a network of microcomputers into the jellyfish, programmed to make the jellyfish dive to the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean and sit on the ocean floor for 6 months before surfacing.
I seemed to already know that some kind of creeping doom was approaching and that this was the only plan we could come up with to salvage a tiny portion of the human race; and that all of us (everyone on the planet, except for maybe the students) would be annihilated in a few hours.
----------------------------------------
The only thing I can gleam from this shocking and incredibly "real feeling" dream was that perhaps I shouldn't read horror novels before bed.
@Nylar and Seek3R
Dang I never have had dreams, (that I can recall) like you guys have had. Intense.
I have heard of various techniques etc where you can take control of dreams and even influence what you dream about. I have been able to do this myself with some success (has to be a dream close to when I normally wake up.) Especially for Seek3r, I would recommend trying to read up on how to better take control of dreams.
One trick I learned that works well for me is real simple and perhaps juvenile but it works... at least for me. If something is going horribly wrong, (or weird) ask yourself is this a dream? Even in the waking world, do a quick self check, is this a dream? That creates a habit when you encounter something weird or awful, to do a quick self check of "is this a dream" a habit that can and will carry over to your sleep. I been able to wake up from nightmares multiple times now simply by asking myself is this a dream and try to "wake myself." I am at the point now almost by default if something does not make sense and is scary/wrong/weird first thought that crosses my mind is: "is this a dream?"
While I do not recommend psychedelics to anyone, especially those with depression issues, my experience with them and marijuana has actually taught me how to discipline my mind, even when it is not functioning normally. I can set up my environment and train of thought to be positive, optimistic and feel good. An exercise for me as simple as, getting myself to a safe warm comfortable place of shelter and to take note of everything that is going "right" in my life, living in the moment instead of past or future, and taking stock, even if something as simple as "I am not outside in the cold." I can lay flat and not worry about my own safety while I sleep, etc.
A "red eye" (overnight flight,) on a plane in coach (especially in a middle seat,) can remind just about anyone, a place to lie flat for 6 hours is something to be cherished rather then taken for granted.
I do not dread going to sleep at night, and I do not dread waking up in the morning, and I think with some help anyone else can get to that point as well.
Dunno if any of this helps, I do not have much experience with depression or suicidal thoughts. Talking to experts that do have experience is always a good recommendation.
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▮ Useful list on forum usage. A.R. Member since 2016. ▮
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You can get asylum through "religious persecution." You do not need to have physical harm for asylum. You can get it by having psychological harm.
As Cyber says, seek help. It is NOT an admittance of weakness. Rather it is a strength. Just through religion, I have been through persecution, abuse, psychological terrorism, torture, rape, molestation, beatings until until I was unconscious. Then I went throug the most horrifying nightmare any person can survive. My family was murdered, and I was almost murdered with them. How I survived do not other than I was wearing my seat belt since I was the driver on a sight seeing trip. My wife and daughters were not wearing their seat belts because you cannot truly sight see when strapped down in the seat.
Even to this day, I have suicidal thoughts every day. EVERY DAY! However, I sometimes feel that I am just too much of a coward to "end it all." Besides, I still have a mission. To do my damnedest to fight against ALL religion and try to make people wake up and see reality for what it truly is.
Here is something I have recently started posting here (as far as I am concerned, if desired, anyone may quote it, paraphrase it, whatever, even without attribution):
Seek the knowledge you need. One thought I always have about my suicidal thoughts is, "What answer is it to end mine own life?" And since I cannot derive any answer, I never do.
Seek the help you need. The only problem I can see is dependent upon which country you are currently residing.
Think on this. The United States takes in (at least) tens of thousands of people fleeing from "religious persecution." I just do not have any knowledge of how to go about seeking asylum through the United States (even though I live here) and getting out of your current country of residence. Perhaps others here may know more about this than I do.
NEVER, EVER, think that suicide is the only answer.
rmfr
arakish, will you be willing to help me if I tell you what you can do to help me?
I'm only 19 and I can't do much right now. The best way you can help me is find me an asylum or immigration consultant in your country that can help me with this. I don't know what to do, I cannot ask my fucking family.
Please, someone do something.
Any US or UK citizen here who can help me in getting asylum? I don't know any immigration consultant and I can't afford to pay for them. I tried this website: https://shusterman.com/asylum-based-on-religion/
They cost $425 for a immigration consultation. The only person having a valid debit card for online purchases in my house is my brother and he's a fucking muslim too.
It's not about money it's about whether any of you wishes to save me? Does any of you have mercy enough to help me escape isolation and persecution? For fuck sake I don't even have any college or university. My life will be over if I don't rebuild it. I'm 19 and I have left all studies.
Is anyone willing to go through this process with me? It's not your life at stake, it's mine. Anyone willing to help me?
seek3r
Here are some documents I found. If you have a printer... If not...
Asylum in the United States: https://www.dropbox.com/s/6na9dzaige962gz/AsylumInUS.pdf?dl=0
How US Immigration Works: https://www.dropbox.com/s/4iscphnujfchpk1/HowUSImmigrationWorks.pdf?dl=0
Fee Waiver Form I-912: https://www.dropbox.com/s/v32ikxl4yvlib0n/i-912.pdf?dl=0
Instructions Form I-912: https://www.dropbox.com/s/5djh0spr5mbag95/i-912instr.pdf?dl=0
Application for Asylum Form I-589: https://www.dropbox.com/s/25fpxkqgjvsqgow/i-589.pdf?dl=0
Instructions Form I-589: https://www.dropbox.com/s/iq1gwveiy196c7i/i-589instr.pdf?dl=0
You might could try fleeing to the US Embassy. That is the same as fleeing to the US. Just do not know how they are going to treat you. Tin-Man might could tell you depending upon the person. I ain't never seen combat except for naval. And that was fucking scary enough, especially since I was serving on what we called a "Suicide Ship."
I cannot help finacially. I am still strapped after flying to Thailand to rescue my nephew after he was kidnapped. And I am still on unpaid leave. But I am going back to work next Monday (05 Nov).
If could I would. Even if it made me go broke for a little while. I am that kind of person.
If you can print the above documents out without others catching you, do so and fill them out. Then try the US Embassy.
Otherwise, I have no other ideas on how to help. I am here in the southwestern US. Can't afford another plane trip rescue mission. Wished I could. Really.
rmfr
@Seeker
Hey there, Big Guy. Sounds like you are having a bit of an emotional crisis at the moment. Well, believe it or not, I have a bit of good news for you. Even though it may not seem like it right now, moments like these DO pass over time. You just have to hang in there and ride out the storm, buddy. To be honest with you, I do not recall that I have ever considered suicide as a means of solving any problems I have ever encountered. Nevertheless, I do know I have been through many difficult periods of time throughout my life. I even look back at a few of them and wonder how I ever made it through. Yet, here I am. Still alive and kicking. *chuckle* As others have already suggested, I strongly recommend you try to find some professional counseling. It works. I can tell you that from experience. Meanwhile, I am glad you at least trusted us enough to come here to seek advice and support. No doubt you have noticed there are many folks here who care about your well being.
Bad dreams suck. Period. Especially whenever they seem as real as you have described. But you have to keep reminding yourself THEY ARE ONLY DREAMS. Dreams are not omens. Dreams do not predict the future. Dreams do not dictate what is real and what is not real. Dreams are simply dreams. Good, bad, or otherwise. Dreams are merely a way that your subconscious "acts out" issues that you are currently facing. You stated yourself that you have a "Religion OCD" problem. In that case, that is what your mind will naturally be focused on a majority of the time. And, as a result, that is primarily what your dreams will reflect when you are sleeping. It is as simple as that. Nothing complicated about it. Do your best to avoid the temptation of reading more into them than what it really is.
As for your Mother's remarks, she is obviously a very strong influence in your life and it is ingrained in you to respect her and follow her advice. After all, she is your Mother and cares about you and wants only that which is best for you, right? And in her mind and in her heart, your returning to the Islamic faith is what SHE believes is the best thing for her baby boy. And she means it and believes it sincerely, because that is the only thing she has ever known, and that is the only thing she will ever know. And that is absolutely perfectly okay if that is what works for HER. The thing is, though, is that obviously is not something that is working for YOU. And now that you are considered and adult and are going your own way to make your own life, you have to be concerned with and make your OWN decisions about what does work for YOU. Just so happens, in this particular instance, what works for you goes TOTALLY AGAINST the advice and teachings of your Mother. Whether you realize it or not, that alone can cause a tremendous amount of conflict in your head. What you have to understand, though, is that it is absolutely okay to make your own decisions now, even if they sometimes might go against some things you were raised to believe. And, once again, I am telling you these things from personal experience. Look at it this way..... You love and care about your Mother, right? And it is obvious your Mother loves and cares about you. So, with that in mind, you have to ask yourself, "Would my Mother want me to be happy and healthy?" I imagine the answer to that would be, "Yes." Therefore, in order to do that, you must do the things that work for YOU in order to make that happen. You are not your Mother. You are not living your Mother's life, and she is not living yours. And if you have to break away from a few family traditions and teachings in order to be happy, healthy, and successful, that is not being disrespectful. It is simply you growing up and being a man and taking control of your own life. Absolutely nothing wrong with doing that. It is natural. Unfortunately, it can sometimes be a very difficult process.
I am by no means a professional counselor, but I do hope this helps you a little, Seeker. And, again, if at all possible, please do try to find some professional advice. Meanwhile, try not to over-think the dream stuff, and know we are here if you need us. Take care, Big Guy.
" You love and care about your Mother, right? And it is obvious your Mother loves and cares about you. So, with that in mind, you have to ask yourself, "Would my Mother want me to be happy and healthy?" I imagine the answer to that would be, "Yes." Therefore, in order to do that, you must do the things that work for YOU in order to make that happen. You are not your Mother. You are not living your Mother's life, and she is not living yours. And if you have to break away from a few family traditions and teachings in order to be happy, healthy, and successful, that is not being disrespectful. It is simply you growing up and being a man and taking control of your own life. Absolutely nothing wrong with doing that. It is natural. Unfortunately, it can sometimes be a very difficult process."
Yes, I care about the mother who threatened me thrice and asked my dad to hand me to the police.
Yes, I care about that mother who always tells me allah is with you even though fuck the mother of this asshole allah.
Yes, I care about the mother who does not allow me to leave the house because she too knows I will be killed if anyone found out I'm an atheist.
Yes, I can live my life according to my own rules except that I'll be given a public death sentence as soon as someone finds me suspicious or not acting in accordance with islam
Yes, I can live my life happily except that for that I need freedom of speech, freedom of actions and freedom of living my life the way I want it. If I did that here, the police will arrest me the next day.
My only chance to survive is to leave this country. I need asylum and for asylum I need someone as willing to help me as if I am their family.
I can pay any of you to help me. Just let me know how can you help me? Can any of you help me escape my country, legally via asylum?
I need help of an immigration consultant who deals with asylum applications. I need the consultant of the country which I wish to go and I cannot think of any better place than USA because it respects freedom of everything and I am sure it will accept me.
I cannot talk to any consultant in my country because I will be reported and sent to prison for leaving islam at the first place.
Please, what the fuck do I do. This is a fucking vicious circle. I have no way to access any atheist rather than this website.
@Seeker
Hey there again, buddy. Listen, I will be the first to admit that I cannot even remotely imagine what it is like being in your position. I have never lived in a place where I was not free to express myself, or where I would be threatened with punishment/death if I did so. Therefore, in that respect, I would be lying out my ass if I told you I can relate to your specific situation. Be that as it may, what I CAN relate to and what I AM familiar with is anxiety and depression. Have had to deal with it with many of my friends and family, and have even had a few personal bouts with it myself over the years.
Now, I do totally agree that you need to find a way out of that environment. Unfortunately, I am afraid I am totally unfamiliar with anything having to do with embassies or asylum. Despite my military service and deployments, that is something with which I never had any experience. We always deployed as a unit in a large group to main military bases or smaller outposts, therefore embassies and such were never a consideration for us. I noticed Arakish provided you with a few links involving embassy policies and forms. He is several steps ahead of me in that area, so I suggest going with what he provided. I really and truly wish I could provide you with more assistance in that area, and I definitely would if I were more familiar with it. Meanwhile, until you can get to a safer place, your priority needs to be focused on maintaining your sanity. And that means getting your depression and anxiety under control.
Try to look at it this way.... You no longer believe in Allah or the Islamic faith or any of that other nonsense, right? Sounds like you have pretty much made up your mind about that. However, you know how to ACT like you believe, right? You know what to say and how to say it and how to go through the motions to give people the impression that you are still "faithful", right? So, just like Arakish suggested, simply pretend. And, hell, if you have to, make a game of it! Start acting like the mostus bestus faithful little Muslim dude in the country. Play the part, like acting in a play. All the while, continue searching for a way out. All the while, in your head, you are looking at everybody else as if they are the blind idiots. And when the day comes when you are finally able to wave "bye-bye" on your flight out, then you get the satisfaction of knowing you had the last laugh on everybody who bought your act. Bottom line is, though, YOU KEEP YOURSELF SAFE AND SANE BY WHATEVER MEANS NECESSARY until you can find sanctuary somewhere else.
As for the issues with your Mother, it is great that you recognize and acknowledge the anger you have toward her. (Personal opinion.) But you also still need to recognize that anger can still be a cause for part of your depression. As humans, it feels instinctively WRONG and unnatural to be angry with our mothers, no matter how right and justified we may be in our anger. As a result, this can cause an internal conflict and turmoil that can be difficult to reconcile. And in your case, that turmoil is made all the more worse by your specific situation. So, one step toward easing some of that depression could simply be to acknowledge that conflict for what it is. Granted, it may be only a very tiny step, but at this point every little bit counts.
Again, I truly and sincerely wish there was something more I could do to help you in the area of seeking asylum. That was just never something I had any experience with. And I do hope you are able to catch a break and find a solid source of info to help get you out of there. Until then, we are here for you, even if this is just a place for you to vent and rage and have people let you know we care and are rooting for you. And I cannot stress enough, do whatever you have to do to stay safe and sane. Take care, Seek.
"Bad dreams suck. Period. Especially whenever they seem as real as you have described. But you have to keep reminding yourself THEY ARE ONLY DREAMS. Dreams are not omens. Dreams do not predict the future. Dreams do not dictate what is real and what is not real. Dreams are simply dreams. Good, bad, or otherwise. Dreams are merely a way that your subconscious "acts out" issues that you are currently facing."
Believe it or not, that explanation was quite helpful for me considering my past childhood brainwashing that nightmares come true if they are spoken in the morning. I know it's next level bullshit but then this is how I have been raised.
"Bad dreams suck. Period. Especially whenever they seem as real as you have described. But you have to keep reminding yourself THEY ARE ONLY DREAMS. Dreams are not omens. Dreams do not predict the future. Dreams do not dictate what is real and what is not real. Dreams are simply dreams. Good, bad, or otherwise. Dreams are merely a way that your subconscious "acts out" issues that you are currently facing."
Believe it or not, that explanation was quite helpful for me considering my past childhood brainwashing that nightmares come true if they are spoken in the morning. I know it's next level bullshit but then this is how I have been raised.
seek3r Re: Vicious Circle
I feel for you my brother. I had to completely destroy my mother's heart (if you listen to me brother) when I said I was an atheist and had completely faked getting saved and becoming a believer about four months after joining the Navy. However, I was also in a country where it is illegal (although not completely preventable) to kill someone because they refuse to believe in a religion.
You, me brother, keep yourself safe, regardless of what you may have to do. If you have to, fake it. At least until you can get out of the danger you may be in.
As Tin-Man said, I ain't no professional counselor. However, I have been to professionals. And I did just started seeing another therapist. Depression was doing a real smackdown on my ass. Although I had the success of rescuing me nephew, it did nothing to alleviate the smackdown I am dealing with. The adrenaline rush of doing it helped a lot. But once I got home, an avalanche of rocks.
Part of PTSD is the Manic-Depression cycles. Once the manic of rescuing me nephew was done, the depression came back that much harder. I told LogicFTW that I am at my most comfortable and best when I am in a classroom where you can learn something new and discuss ideas. I am also at me best when I doing something I love, such as driving about and hiking in Yellowstone doing my job. I just do not know how much longer I am going to be able to do so. For the last five or six years, I have been suffering with rather severe pain in both knees, both hips, and very severe nerve pain and neuropathy from my lumbar region to my tippy toes. Part of my depression is having to deal with and to live with this pain and seemingly unable to find any medical solution no matter how many doctors I go to. I am fast getting to the point of almost not being able to walk. And I do not like that. Another factor deepening my depression.
In fact, this past Tuesday (30 October) I think it was, I was suffering in such severe pain, I had to take a Flurazepam to literally knock me unconscious because I could not handle the pain. I think I was out for about 6 or 7 hours. Hell, I can't remember much of that day. I know I did some posting. Read those posts. But cannot remember making those posts. That how out of it I was. And reading those posts, I am shocked I was still coherent.
Damn, tell me to shut the fuck up. Damn, I have to get this ranting under control.
Remember. I am here if you ever need me. Hell, send me a PM if desired.
rmfr
First of all, the drugs you are taking can and probably are interfering with your sleep patters and having shit for sleep patterns can also cause depression. You can't really be depressed until you get your head clear and figure out a baseline of emotions and behaviors. (You can not do that on antidepressants).
NEXT: You have several transitional periods going on at the same time. "You are moving in directions and experiencing things you have never experienced or done before. All the old ways of doing things no longer apply." This is a time of frustration but it is also a time of growth. How you deal with it will be everything.
This is a period of saying goodbye to the old self and welcoming in the new self whom you have not yet met. Everything is up in the air but it will eventually settle down again. Your future is not in the past. Let the past die and look forward to what is coming up next. If you are not paying attention to the future it will slap you in the head when it arrives. Those who look to the past are living their lives backwards.
seek3r PLEASE READ!!
I just got over a really bad crying fit. Bawled like a baby. Want to know why?
I was completely overwhelmed by:
...it all just hit me so damned hard.
Hell, even my desire to somehow fly to where you are and get you on a plane back here to freedom, even had an effect.
I suffer with suicidal thoughts every day. LITERALLY EVERY DAY. Sometimes more than once a day. I just feel I am too much of a coward to "end it all." However, that is not entirely true. Want to know the true reason? I do not suicide because I know that would be the GREATEST dishonor and direspect I can give to the memory of my wife and twin daughters. And just so you know, their names were:
Marisa Deirdre – me wife.
Dwimor Rhiannon – me first twin daughter.
Miriël Cassandra – me second twin daughter.
Even though I struggle terribly all 86,400 seconds of each and every day, it is the memory of them I keep going. As Tin-Man said to me:
Exactly. That is what I was previously struggling with trying to remember so I could say it to you in the hope that it may help you. And in the struggle in trying to remember, so many other memories just overwhelmed me to point I broke down.
Thank You, Tin-Man. Heart of Gold.
As both of us have said, fake it, until you can get to safety. I did. After four years of being physically abused by the Pastor and me mom, psychologically terrorized, publicly humiliated, and raped, molested, even beaten unconscious by the "Christian" children, I had had enough and pretended to get saved. Hell, I even memorized huge chunks of the Bible just so I could prove to the other children that I was a better Christian than they were. I even had to get the full-immersion baptism. Guess what I did with the clothes afterwards? I threw then in the trash because I wanted nothing to do with clothes that had been in the unholy water.
Pretend. Surely you can do it.
Keep yourself safe. That is priority number one.
rmfr
@Seek3r (in regards to arakish's post above)
I want to re-illustrate arakish's "pretend."
I on a small level can empathize with your situation, but never truly understand your current situation. However if I was drugged and kidnapped and moved to a country that was powerfully muslim, I would pretend. I can keep my personal feelings about "god ideas" to myself and play the "game." For as long as I need to before I can escape. Even if it took years. I would not be happy about it, but (perhaps unfortunately) you know the muslim culture well, and what they expect. When you can, come here and safely vent.
There are numerous tools on this site to help you on the path to escape religious persecution and be granted asylum. Sadly, I live in the US, a country currently lead by a xenophobic mad man, voted in by xenophobic minority of voters. While the US still has greater religious freedom then most heavily muslim countries, I would recommend some other countries that are better than the US. Which is definitely far outside my personal expertise.
I want to help people fleeing religious persecution, and I do, donating to the rare secular charities that are far more proficient at this then I ever could be. Sadly it seems to be a world wide trend seems to be mostly increasingly xenophobic. The morbidly rich and powerful have been using "immigrants" as a scapegoat to cover their greed for decades the world over, and sadly such false scapegoating has worked by and large.
Your situation is not hopeless. You have the advantage, you know a greater truth then your family and peers, you know there won't be some sky fairy that will take care of everything for you if you are "faithful." You are 19, you are young and so much opportunity is still available to you.
If you have not already carefully read, and perhaps read again all the resources atheist republic has written for people in scenarios similar to yours I would recommend doing so. Continue to develop your critical thinking skills and the ability to separate fact from fiction, continue to work on the problem you face, while others can help, you are self proficient and you can make a better life for yourself, but you will have to work for it, and hopefully there are qualified people that can help you along the way.
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▮ I am an atheist that always likes a good debate. ▮
▮ Please include @LogicFTW in responses directed to me. ▮
▮ Useful list on forum usage. A.R. Member since 2016. ▮
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seek3r,
How ya doing dude? Just wanting to check in. I know it is rough. Until I reached Age of Minority and had the right to refuse church attendance, I was in the same boat as you, just different tactics to make me a "good Christian." However, the psychological part was just as bad. That is why I suppressed those memories so well for over 45 years, I never even told my wife about them. And that was something I should have told her. I guess the tremendous love we had for each other kept them suppressed. It was not until I joined Atheist Republic and perusing threads back about ten pages (now it would probably be over 30) and reading what others had posted that those memories came back like the vicious monsters they are. Gave me something new to deal with.
However, those memories in addition to the other memories has increased my level of depression that I have sought out a therapist for some counseling. She is still evaluating whether I should also need some medications to help. I know they can because the ones I have taken in the past have helped.
Anyway, I just wanted to check back because I do care what happens to any human, all other priorities are rescinded.
rmfr
EDIT: (I am leaving the mistake...) My bad... It was for over 40 years. Sitting and calculating, it would be exactly... 46 years... Oh fuck. I didn't make a mistake after all. Oh well... Just shows I am willing to admit it if I had...
@arakish
Just like seek3r I hope you can find some relief from the things that haunt you, you have faced a lot in your life and you have made it this far. I can not possibly know the depth of the pain you have felt, but I still emphasize as best I can, and know that someone else cares, even if I am unequipped to be able to help, beyond simply listening.
@ LogicFTW
And just listening and empathizing can help a lot. As unbelievable as it may sound, it does help to talk about it. Get it out instead of letting it just build up until it gets to a point of being irrevocable. However, even with that, it can still weigh down on a person. And the biggest culprit in that is the inability to FORGET. Since it cannot be forgotten, it can still weigh down on a person, causing the depression to settle in. Another helpful factor would be having a very loving, very caring, and most of all, very understanding companion. If I had another wife like my first wife, then the pain and suffering would be counteracted and the thoughts replaced by having that companion just understanding and loving and caring. It is hard to put into words. But having such a companion would be so helpful. Damnit, I am at a loss for words. But you might understand without them.
Hell, just having the "online" brothers and sisters I have here actually helps a lot. Just not completely. Remember, I am still a man with only half a heart and half a soul, for lack of better words to describe it.
rmfr
Hello my brothers and sisters!
I am happy to tell you guys that I am feeling quite good. It's true that sometimes when I can't find an answer, I get down and if I get down too much, I feel suicidal. During the times when islam couldn't answer my questions because it's a fucked up piece of shit religion, I attempted 5 suicides but I was too strong to die.
I have this motivational video at the end of which is an aged wise man speaking and saying, "To persevere I think is important for everybody. Don't give up, don't give in, THERE'S ALWAYS AN ANSWER TO EVERYTHING."
I've put my favorite words in CAPS because when I don't know what the fuck to do anymore, I listen to that video, rise up and start thinking again about the possibilities.
Another thing I did this time was to remind myself another one of my fav quotes:
"Change is supposed to be hard. Had it been easy, everybody would do it!". I don't know how to agree more with this but it's just too perfect of a statement for me.
These things are known to all of us but when one is brainwashed, even the simplest of things can be ignored. I feel as if everything I read has a profound positive effect on me because it fits on my life somehow.
Currently, I'm still dealing with some anxiety because of my last panic attacks but then I tell myself this:
"If I hadn't suffered from this, I would have never realized the truth behind this. If a dream had never made me fall so low, I'd have always gotten scared of them, if not felt suicidal."
It's just like taking a vaccination of a poisonous disease except that you allow it to hurt you until you learn to defeat it so hard that even if it comes back again later in your life, you just show it a big ass middle finger.
So yes, I'm happy to have faced the shittiest dreams of my life in the past weeks because if I hadn't, I wouldn't know what dreams mean, the truth behind them and how to handle them.
@Seeker
Outstanding, young man! It is a joy and relief to hear that you are feeling better. *Big Smile*...
You are absolutely correct in that change is often difficult, and sometimes even painful, with some changes being more so than others. Rest assured, though, all of us have been through it before in some form or fashion. You continue to maintain those good thoughts, and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Remember, life is not a sprint. It is a marathon. And we are always here if you need us. Thank you for keeping us posted on your progress, and continue to keep your little ass safe.
@ seek3r
Nice to hear from ya again dude. Glad you are feeling better. In a round about way, it makes me feel better. As Tin-Man said life is not a sprint, but a marathon. I would go further and say it is more analogous with the Tour de France. Just keep hanging in there and that Yellow Jersey will be yours.
As far as dreams are concerned. Although the bad ones cannot be ignored, the strange ones can. In fact, I have now perfected by lucidity capability to erase most dreams. Only the dreams I cannot forget or do not want to forget get remembered. All the strange ones like that pouring water on your arm one would get erased. If any dream has no bearing on my life memories, it is erased. Some of them make for excellent stories in my novel.
Here is a good example. In one of my dreams, my daughters were trying to tell me something but I could not understand them. In real life, my daughters had this uncanny ability to be able to say the same exact thing at same exact time. Literally a stereo effect. And it was spooky as hell. Ask them any question and both would come up with the same answer and speak it at the same time. And it was easy enough to prove they were not practicing the answer since you could ask them anything out of the blue.
Anyway, in this dream, they were doing this same stereo speaking thing. However, I could not understand what they were saying. In the dream, they took each other's hand, began glowing, and merged into a single person whom I could understand. Cool, huh?
In my novel, I have twin characters, but they are fraternal twins, boy and girl, instead of identical like me daughters. At one point, when they are trying to read an incomprehensible language carved into an ancient obelisk, the twins touch the obelisk, an electrical-like sensation passes into their bodies, they begin to two glow, and merge into a single person. This ability is called Gestalt in my world. Gestalt is where two or more persons merge into one and become one that is even more powerful than the sum of all persons. Cool, huh?
Remember, dreams are not what they may seem. Some are. For example, my nightmares and fond-memories are based on real-life events. Then there are those that are wild fantasies. I remember the useful ones (as above) and erase the useless ones.
If wondering, Lucidity is the practice of being able to realize you are dreaming and through that realization, you are able to take control of that dream. Look into. It can even help with some nightmares. The nightmares I suffer, I have ceased trying to control them. I just let them go.
Glad to see ya feeling better brother.
rmfr
Hey,
Thanks for the kind words.
Yes, I know what's lucid dreaming and I've unknowingly had them once until I realized inside the dream that I'm dreaming.
The dream you shared was fascinating.Our mind has distinct ways of solving a problem in dreams. However, remember one thing, psychologically, it's impossible for our brain to see something that it has never seen. Thus, you must have seen two people merging into one in some time in your life either in a movie or a magic show.
Your mind can only show you those things which you know or have seen. So it won't be surprising if the mind used such a way to solve the inability to hear what your daughters were saying.
Cool stuff though! :)
Good! We’re so glad you’re okay! Stay strong! :D
SEEKER 3R: "Don't give up, don't give in, THERE'S ALWAYS AN ANSWER TO EVERYTHING."
No wonder you get depressed. There is not always an answer to everything. Thinking so can actually lead to pathology. You might want to read up on Albert Ellis.
A - Activating Event = The event or circumstance.
B - Belief/Thought = What you think about it.
C - Consequence/Emotion = The way you feel, respond, and behave as a result of your thought/belief.
N - New Belief/Thought = The thought you have after analyzing whether the first thought was accurate. You correct the thought or belief.
N - New Consequence/Emotion = The different response, feeling, or behavior that accompanies the new thought.
Assuming there are answers out there for everything would be a major form of psychological stress.
1. "Change is supposed to be hard. Had it been easy, everybody would do it!".
Wow! What a horrible idea. Change happens here and now and often spontaneously. You often change and do not even realized you have done it. Some changes can be difficult. Breaking a habit for example. But to be honest, this really seems to depend on motivation. Some alcoholics put down the drink, for example, never seek help, and never drink again. It's only hard when you make it hard. Sometimes hard is necessary to make you feel as though you have accomplished something.
2. These things are known to all of us but when one is brainwashed, even the simplest of things can be ignored.
TRUE: But we are all brainwashed. We all have assumptions we do not know about. A fish does not notice the water in which it swims. Figuring this out is certainly a sign of intelligence and ability to be self observant.
""If I hadn't suffered from this, I would have never realized the truth behind this."
I suppose that is one way to go through life. But why? What if you just went through it and did not have to suffer? There really is no reason for the suffering. It just happens to be the way you do it.
"I'm happy to have faced the shittiest dreams of my life in the past weeks because if I hadn't, I wouldn't know what dreams mean, the truth behind them and how to handle them."
Facing shitty dreams is still just dreaming. The significance is only significant because it is significant to you. I am happy you feel accomplished and that you have grown and gleaned some meaning out of the experience. Again, of all the ways to do it, this is just the way you do it. It is not right or wrong, it is just your way. There are other ways that are not as difficult and less harmful or depressive. If you can allow yourself to imagine this possibility you may find your burden lessening. You do it your way because that is what works for you. You are pulling away from Islam so - YOU SHOULD BE PUNISHED. This has been a part of your life since you were a child. It is ingrained in your mind. Is it true? Is it necessary? Only you know the answers.
This is another Page on the AR site.
http://www.atheistrepublic.com/blog/alliejackson/need-asylum-keep-calm-read
I can tell you that I was on many anti-depressant drugs and am allergic to them all. I have attempted suicide many times myself. You have to wean off of those drugs and a pharmacist or some online sites can help you if a doctor won't. They are BAD! Trust me. You are dealing with a lot and it will make you feel like you have lost control and there is no way out other than killing yourself. I am 52 and I am still here. I have no family or friends left, on sister who is very distant. She called me to tell me she was going on another vacation. I told her I was suicidal. She said that was sad to hear and left. Today she came home and brought me a souvenir from her trip. How kind and thoughtful of her. She does not really care.
You have to do what I am doing now. Take it one day at a time and finally realize that we cannot control other people. We have to keep going with hope. I know it sounds like a meaningless platitude, but it is all we have.
I have OCD and anxiety myself and have had do deal with things that would make a normal person crazy!
We are strong as we are still here. You are only 19 and have a lot of time to have a better life. I won't lie to you. It is not going to be easy and it may not come right away. I wish I had better answers, but I don't. Come here and post and the people hear will listen and most will try to help. Rant if you have to. WE are not going to condemn you like religious people would.
This is your haven. Use it for now! I can relate to you, but I keep trying to live in spite of being all alone.
Please see a professional psychologist. I know that you won’t be able to find a non religious one, but just any professional psychologist who isn’t a Muslim will do. And as for your nightmares, those might just come from Muslims having made you miserable your entire life, and I’m very sorry for you. Don’t worry; we’re here for you, we love you, and you are not alone. There is still plenty of good in this world.