Worked 12 hours a day to save money, left college to leave my country, in the end realized the money is not enough. Parents took loans, still fell short of money.

Here I am, a 19 years old student, graduate of year 11, with no college and no university right now.

No, that's not the sad part. I actually never gave any fuck about studies.

It took me around 4-5 months to stabilize myself as an atheist in a conservative country. I lived and still live among a family of which some members are orthodox practitioners of religion. I have no friend, nobody to talk to and I'm a user of 4 anti-depressant tablets everyday (the amount has been varying since 2-3 years). It was religion which destroyed me. I became an atheist on the 29th of May, 2018. Spent my summer holidays debunking Islam. Why? Well, I don't know. I wanted to make sure it's not correct and I did find the answer to every question I had. Islam, just like any other religion, was a man-made lie.

Initially, it was hard to keep answering questions and debunking something which I didn't even wanted to hear the name of anymore but I wanted to do it. I wanted to make sure my decision is correct because I was someone who had memorized this religion's entire bible-like book and much more, even learned its hebrew-like original manuscript language.

This is how the progress started:

1) Became interested in religion in 2014

2) Started memorizing the religion's book in 2015

3) Started learning the book's official language (Arabic)

4) Finished memorizing half of the book at the end of 2015

5) Finished Arabic course in mid-2016

6) Encountered a mental illness called religious OCD

7) Went to scholars, psychologists, psychiatrists and attempted 5 suicides

8) Asked billions of questions about Islam and sins but received no satisfactory answers

9) Eventually started becoming sick of the religion

10) Gave my parents a final chance to help me and answer my questions about Islam. The questions were important because to me, Islam looked like it was sending everyone to hell. Everything was accounted for and as a religious OCD patient, this was fucking me. (April, 2018)

11) Left religion on May 29, 2018

12) Knew nothing about atheism and all other religions were by default taught to us as fake so I was religionless. I decided to tell myself that I'll probably return to Islam but the only way would be to forget all the questions I have.

13) I failed to forget the questions because nobody could answer them. Everyone had failed, every scholar of Islam had failed. I too failed in answering them so I decided NEVER to return back.

14) Begin my journey of debunking Islam. Read 13 books in 22 days, watched thousands of videos, came to know about Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins and some notable other personalities which I will prefer not to mention for their security

15) When internet stopped giving me satisfactory answers, I joined Atheist Republic to look for what others had to say about my questions. The result was unbelievable. It seemed as if I was raised as a moron purposely. Atheist Republic helped me answer some of the hardest Islamic questions of my life and helped me understand even better that Islam is wrong and so is every other religion (July-present)

16) I decided to leave my country forever. Did everything, left all my studies, parents tried to help because after all they are my parents, but money was not enough. I couldn't imagine on going somewhere only to return after 1-2 years. I wanted permanent shelter somewhere where Islam would not be found. I was allergic to Islam and other religions. (October, 2018)

17) When nothing could be done, I decided to do a 1 year course in Malaysia (Muslim country, yes, fucked up decision) to cover finish 12 years of education. I got accepted in 2 universities for a Foundation, Pre-university course. (Mid-october, 2018)

18) I felt like I'm making a mistake. I should not go to a country of illiterate motherfuckers. But I didn't know what to do. Malaysian embassy gave me 10 pages of health tests. I was speechless. One of the pages was about mental illnesses and another one was about psychiatric drugs. I was a big anxiety and depression patient, how could I clear these health tests? I didn't give up though. I left my psychiatric medicines for 1 week and then gave the test. My tests were ALL CLEAR. (21st October, 2018)

19) I made a mistake. I should have NEVER left the psychiatric drugs. I started having nightmares during the week of drug withdrawal. 3 nightmares were seen that shook me inside out and made me feel like I should kill myself (21st October - present)

Nightmare 1: I'm in a shopping center or somewhere, several people noticing and informing me about two horned people behind me. When I ask someone a question in the dream, they tell me to ask the two white horned people who are behind me. I saw nobody behind. Sometime later I do see these supposed people who are known to me as angels in the dream, but they look like horror movie ghosts. I hadn't seen any horror movie since 2-3 months so I don't know why I saw this shit. Another angel comes and tells me that I'm going to die in 3 months and that I will burn. I suddenly wake up, not in reality, but in another dream. That is, all that I had seen so far was a DREAM inside A DREAM. So, there's this main dream in which I'm dreaming, I wake up from that dream and go to lounge and see everyone of my family sitting there on carpet except dad who is on sofa. Mom tells me, inside the main dream, that she saw 100% same dream as me except that two angels told her she'll die in 3 months. Same thing is narrated by my brother.

COMMON POINT TO BE NOTED IN THIS DREAM: I shout, HOW THE FUCK IS THIS POSSIBLE? HOW CAN ISLAM BE TRUE? BUT I HAD READ ABOUT ALL ITS LIES!

I see my soul leaving the body and then suddenly scene is shifted to my body falling of a building and BAM, it crashes on the floor.

Nightmare 2: An unknown voice in the sky, which is known to me as god in the dream, starts making me fly and showing me things. I ask him if you are Allah or any other god. He says no.

Nightmare 3: Mom's sitting on a sofa, I'm infront, sitting on carpet. I put water on my left arm and it disappears, and then I do it again for few more times and it again disappears.

COMMON POINT TO BE NOTED IN THIS DREAM: I shout, when the water disappears, HOW THE FUCK IS THIS POSSIBLE? HOW CAN ISLAM BE TRUE? BUT I HAD READ ABOUT ALL ITS LIES! I CANNOT BE WRONG!

=========================================================================================

Few days ago I asked an explanation and point of view of atheists on my nightmare #3. I received many answers but it seems like the dream is haunting me.

I made the biggest mistake of sharing all these dreams with my mother after I saw all the three nightmares. She started telling me weird things that this is a sign and etc and that son I get a feeling by god that god says that he's not angry with you because god knows that you are going through hard times so god still loves you and blabla.

Then she says, remember son, when nobody is with you, allah is always with you. Remember that, then she starts crying.

=========================================================================================

I am not able to satisfy myself with the fact that all the nightmares I saw were just dreams and they don't prove islam to be true. Now just because I can't satisfy myself, I'm planning to jump off the roof of our house and just die. I'm tired of pain and anxiety. I want to have peace and wish to fuck off from this country and house and family. I wish to be alone but I have encountered extreme anxiety again because of these nightmares at a very bad time. I was supposed to be going abroad and could have gone but this condition is fucking me. I cannot go anywhere in this condition because it will be fuck my brain since I have to do part-time work, study, travel and do all shits by myself. I will literally die.

I am in desperate need of an atheist psychologist who can do counselling to me but there's 0% chance of that in where I live.

Sometimes I think, the only solution to end every pain is to just kill myself.

Help me. I feel finished and can only think of death as a solution. It all happened because i shared dreams with my mom and her absurd reactions. Otherwise I was ignoring the dreams. Now it's done and it's fucked up. There's no answer to why I saw such a fucked up nightmare (Dream #3). It has had a bad effect on my brain and I feel as if islam is true but fuck the mother of islam. I don't believe in it.

I'm fighting an internal battle. My mind knows islam is false but at the same time that dream has had a very strong effect on me along with mom's fucked up comments.

Sometimes I really wish I could just fucking sell myself and fuck off from this country and family. I am on the verge of suicide and facing mental torture everyday. I know this is fucked up but would there be anyone willing to help me get an asylum visa or perhaps sponsor me or something. I swear I'm ready to fucking sell myself to any of you just to get the fuck out of here.

I cannot get an asylum visa because it needs proofs of physical violence on body. Nobody has hit me and nobody dares to do so but everyone's comments in my house are enough to mentally fuck me while I'm already taking anti depressants.

Please either help my fucked up brain in understand and debunking my 3rd dream or tell me a painless way to die. I can't live anymore.