I feel like she's in my head and she's sucking me dry emotionally.
I'm an 18 year old student. Generally, I'm somewhat of an introvert. I'm very loud when I'm with close friends and people I know really well, but I'm as quiet as a mouse when I'm with less familiar folks. I often enjoy going out to hang out with people, but most of the time, I just prefer my own company.
I just got into the university for the first time last year. When I gained admission, she was one of the first friends I made seeing that we shared the same course of study (for this threads sake, I'll call her Jane). She's a single mother and she's about 24-25 years old. Jane is a textbook extrovert - she loves being the center of attention, she loves the sound of her own voice, she talks to anything that moves etc. Although I'm a much more quiet guy, we blended along pretty well and she became, probably, the closest friend I had in my department. She's very entertaining, lively and fun to be around
The problem with Jane however is her neediness, false sense of entitlement and controlling attitude. She often guilts me into doing things for her, and if I respond negatively, she'll take it as a sign of rejection. She also loves to jump into conclusions. She loves to hear herself talk, so arguing with her, or clarifying things to her is like pretty much like knocking your head against a stone wall. She also doesn't respect my opinions concerning an issue. In the early stages of our friendship, she was fond of reminding me that she's my senior, so I have to respect and listen to her. She gossips about people too. A lot
I'm one of the top students in my department, and she also exploits this by asking me to do assignments for her. Although I usually wave it off because she does the same for me, even though I hardly make any such requests. She also demands that I sit close to her in examination halls, then gets angry when I don't respond to her even though I try to explain the situation to her.
Jane often ridicules me for various things like my dressing or beliefs concerning an issue. She belittles me both publicly and privately, and I'm very cautious what I say or do when I'm around her. When on breaks, I've observed she never calls unless it's something really important. Moreso, on a frequent basis, she keeps complaining and telling me about her personal issues She judges me a lot, and likes to talk about how I've "changed" and whatever.
We're very close to each other and a lot of people even thought we were dating. I already have a girlfriend (not in my university) but Jane sometimes flirts with me, even publicly. She'd later tell me she was trying to make someone else jealous or something.
I'm not good with making new friends and she's the closest friend I've got since I got into the school and we consider ourselves family of some sort. Recently, she's been acting off. The other day, I visited her at her house and she invited me in but didn't talk to me throughout my stay there. I didn't try to talk though because I was nervous and trying to access the situation. She's like a switch these days. Sometimes, she would see me and walk right past me, other times she would actually stop and say hi and even talk and laugh. Im not very sure but I think her recent behaviour may have to do with the fact that sometime ago she asked me for money and I refused but gave her good reasons with regards to the purpose of the cash. She might have thought I'm selfish or something. She also hasn't called me in a long time, but I just discovered she's been in contact with one of my other close friends who met her through me.
I don't know if she's cold shouldering me or not , it's hard to tell. Recently, I've been lacking interest in a lot of activities I used to enjoy like playing video games, reading comic books etc. I get easily exhausted by them nowadays. To be fair, this has been going on before Jane's recent attitude change. But it's harder to get her out of my mind now because of my lack of interest in these activities. I'm also not very outgoing. I could hang out with a bunch of other friends but frankly, it would do nothing to alleviate my anxiety. I'm confused and I don't know if I'm the problem or I just don't know how to solve this stuff. It's making me restless.
PS: Im new to the AR as an official member, although I've been a lurker for close to one year. Tried posting this on Reddit but it didn't work for some reason. This is the only other place i could trust to think of posting this. I hope I'm not defaulting or something lol
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Howdy, Kojo. Welcome to the AR. Uh, in the interest of full disclosure, I generally do not pull any punches when somebody asks for advice concerning relationship problems. From my experiences in being on both sides of such situations (asking for and giving advice), I have found that straight-up no-bullshit is the best route to take. I am not trying to be an ass, and I'm not insensitive to your problem. I just believe brute honesty is best in these matters. So, with that being said....
Based on how you described Jane, my personal opinion is that you are waaaay better off without her. She is a petty and insecure little leach. Matter of fact, you should be thankful she has found somebody else to latch onto and suck dry. She is not a friend. Friends do not treat each other the way you said she treats you. You are in college. Don't know which one, but I am fairly confident she is not the only female attending that school. Consider yourself lucky if she now ignores you. Pretty sure you will have much better friends come along in due time. Meanwhile, continue to be happy with yourself. Nothing at all wrong with that.
Thanks, @Tin-Man. Quite frankly, I had already come to a similar conclusion such as yours. I'd intended to distance myself from her and interact with her much less regularly, or even snub her completely. The problem is (and I personally think this is weird) - I can't stop thinking about her. Don't get me wrong, I already have a girlfriend so I'm not in love with "Jane". If anything, I'm beginning to dislike her. But I just cant get her out of my mind.
I don't know if it was due to the fact that we were very close, you could say we were besties. People even went as far as to assert that we were dating. And she has a vibrant personality and is simply fun to hang out with. Like I said, we were almost like "family" in the sense of how we related with each other. I don't know if she felt that way, but that's how I felt and that's how a lot of people saw us.
I want to kick her off my mind. I have very few set of friends (most of whom currently live far away from me, even my gf) and I don't excel at making new friends. I'm also becoming more apathetic towards lone activities that usually interest me like comic books, YouTube, etc. I'm generally shy and I don't know if my closeness with her has made me become emotionally dependent? Her attitude of talking to me some days and ignoring me on others isn't helping out. I need to understand why I can't just get her out of my head.
VCKojo - hi! You mentioned “ I can't stop thinking about her.”
This is totally normal in ending a relationship - especially a “roller-coaster” one you just described (I know, friendship). It’s “withdrawal” symptoms... I like to think of it like an addictive relationship (like smoking) and you’re quitting - well, fuck, there are certain chemical/emotions/etc that you are withdrawing from soooo...
It’ll pass. Read...or do the stuff you use to do more before this...get yourself involved in your life again - and BTW it’s OK to be comfortable being alone and being a loner (in fact I find it awesome).
@ VCK
Mate, like TM if you asked for advice you get it...RUN AWAY SCREAMING. Do NOT look back. When you are at least a couple of blocks away take out your phone. erase all contact details with her. Do not answer when she calls.
She marked you as socially awkward and vulnerable and has 'played' you as such. No one with your interests at heart would treat you the way have described.
Do not, ever in your life accept or dish out abuse.
End.
V.C Kojo: RE: A CLASSIC SYMPTOM OF A NARCISISTIC PERSONALITY DISPRDER. "She often guilts me into doing things for her, and if I respond negatively, she'll take it as a sign of rejection. " EVERYTHING IS ABOUT HER.
RE: CHOOSING A FRIEND - SOMETHING YOU OBVIOUSLY DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DO...
1. I like people who always have to be the center of attention. (Narcissistic)
2. I am attracted to people who like the sound of their own voice. (Narcissistic)
3. Needy single mothers obviously make the best choice for friends.
4. A good friend will rely on you to do their assignments for them. (Narcissistic)
5. A good friend will guilt you into doing shit that you don't want to do because they know it is good for you when they get what they want. (Narcissistic)
6. A good friend should have a false sense of entitlement. (Narcissistic)
7. She should jump to conclusions and not listen to any attempts to clarify. (Narcissistic)
8. A good friend should never respect your opinions. (Narcissistic)
9. And they should remind you that they are senior to you often. (Narcissistic)
10. A good friend should flirt with you publicly even though you have a girlfriend, just to make other people jealous. (Narcissistic)
11. A good friend should ridicule you for the way you dress or think.
12. They should demand that you sit next to them.
13. They should belittle you publicly and privately.
14. LOOK AT THE ABOVE! What in the fuck do you have to solve?
YOU SAID: " I'm not good with making new friends." NO SHIT! YOU ARE FUCKING HORRIBLE AT IT. You are also a people pleaser. Your problem is that you want people to like you. When someone shows interest you bend over backwards to make them your friend. Fairly rare for a male. My guess is that you fit the MBTI category of INFP. Because of your introverted nature when you get out in public you do not know how to set boundaries with people. It is something you can learn. https://www.16personalities.com/infp-personality
Last thought: IT'S POSSIBLE TO LIKE PEOPLE WHO ARE BAD FOR YOU! Just accept that! It happens to us all. When you find yourself in a pathological situation, cut the ties and move on. (Think about it. She has shown you exactly how to do that. As soon as you did not give her what she wanted, she cut the ties and move on. Thank her for being your teacher and get on with your life.)
STOP LOOKING FOR THE GOOD IN OTHERS. SOME PEOPLE ARE ENTITLED ASSHOLES. Your friend fits the ESTP category quite nicely.
https://www.truity.com/personality-type/ESTP
The problem is that because of your introversion and need to be liked, you attached much more meaning to the relationship than she did. You are just another flower in a field of flowers. Get over it. Learn to be yourself, set boundaries for yourself, and to stop trying to please others. You do not have to go out of your way to please a friend. If you do not know your own boundaries, you will never have a true friend. You will always feel taken advantage of and you will always put more into a relationship than your friend.
Here is an idea that might be useful. FRIENDSHIPS ARE NOT ALL OR NOTHING. Friendships are on a scale of 0 to 100. You must be able to read the signs and appropriately place people on the scales of trust, reliability, friendship and love. If you can not do that, you will always be emotionally lost.
Welcome to Atheist Republic V.C Kojo.
Just like Tin man, in this case I will not beat around the bush and evade the central issue.
She is not your friend.
Walk away.
When I was your age (I am now officially an old fart) I was under the impression that I was supposed to hang on to all of my acquaintances. It took me many years to realize that some were assholes, some were not worth the time of day, and some were toxic to my life.
You are on the cusp of carving out your own life and part of that process is moving on, leaving behind many elements of your past. Put her in the rear view mirror. You do not have to apologize, you do not have to explain anything to anyone, just go.
@Kojo
Here is a book I strongly suggest you read. (The Subtle Art of Not Giving A Fuck) The guy who wrote it is basically just a regular dude writing in a regular manner. He has some great advice and insight, and much of it is funny and entertaining to read. And, as you can tell, it is very easy to find among other books... *chuckle*...
Attachments
Attach Image/Video?:
Always check to see if a book is in the public domain before purchasing.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUFHanaFF90
When you do want a book, the first place to go is thriftbooks.com Use to new books.
...are you getting what you need out of this relationship? Doesn't sound like it. Other than the things you have mentioned, when you figure out what the root reason for being with her is, and your not getting it, then you need to communicate this. Tell her what your not getting from her, and the things that are annoying...you have to be true to yourself...and in fairness, that means being frank with her.
@doG Re: "Tell her what your not getting from her, and the things that are annoying... that means being frank with her."
Quite honestly, man, from the way he describes his female friend, he would simply be wasting his breath. He could be Frank, Harry, Jim, Joe, or whatever... *chuckle*... but he would be better off trying to convince a scorpion to be his friend as opposed to expecting that girl to care about whatever he might have to say. Granted, I know nothing about this girl other than what we have been told so far, and we ARE hearing only HIS side of the story. So, again, I am basing my assessment only on what we have been told about her so far. And my current assessment is that dear Kojo is lucky to have her away from him now, and she does not sound like she would be worth the effort for him to demean himself by attempting to smooth things over with her. Just my personal opinion... *shrugging shoulders*...
@funnelhead
I know...narcissism is a bitch...lol...but, not a waste of time for him. Its good process to learn.
@doG Re: "...not a waste of time for him. Its good process to learn."
Hmmmm... *scratching chin*... Dammit, as much as I hate to admit it, you might just be on to something there.... *tapping lips with index finger while thinking*... Yes... Yes-yes-yes... Whatever SHE may think or however SHE may react is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is that our young Kojo has the opportunity to tell that entitled narcissistic trollop exactly what he thinks and exactly how she made him feel. And ideally it should be done in the presence of other "friends" of hers, with Mr. Kojo abruptly turning and walking away after his spiel without giving the little leach a chance to reply.... *sparkle in eyes*... Ooooo, how I would love to see that... *giggle*... (Oh, sorry. I watched way too many movies over the years... *hanging head in shame*...)
@ Tin-Man
Mmm, not so sure about that. Remember the age group of this social circle, 18-20.
Yes, it can be satisfying to put a person down in public, but for that age group it would create DRAMA and possibly a nasty reputation that may stick.
Putting this leech in the rear view mirror can solve a problem, but there is no need to create a new one that maybe hard to deal with. I still stick with my suggestion, just stop being around this person. She may wonder why he is not around as much, but she will find a new victim.
@David K. Re: "I still stick with my suggestion, just stop being around this person."
Oh, no argument with you at all on that. I was merely indulging in a bit of daydream fantasy where the uppity bully bitch gets smacked down and put in her place by the underdog... *chuckle*... Like I said, too many movies from the 80's... lol...
@V .C .Kojo
I'm so sorry to learn of your pain.
Perhaps a slightly different take.
Being a lot older (I'm 72) I think I've been in the kind of relationship you describe more than once. Even married one of them .It was a disaster ,yet she had to leave me. I would never have left her.
The last time I was in love was in 1994. THAT was a roller coaster which finally ended in 2011. I still think of her every day but gently, without the hunger or the pain.
OK,OK there is a point: My best male friend, who had also been a psychiatric nurse practitioner said to me'"You are always attracted to emotionally distant women". I was offended because it's true.
I discussed the matter with my psychologist. She explained that was not an insult, but an observation. The next bit came as a real shock . The common saying that 'opposites attract " is essentially bullshit. We are in fact attracted to people similar to ourselves.
I'm also emotionally distant and find it very hard to make friends. I usually have one only friend at any one time. I also have the social skills of a turnip. EG I tend to don't understand a lot of non verbal communication. I was diagnosed with what used to be called Asperger's Syndrome at age 65.
SO, the point is to get to know yourself a lot better. That may mean professional counselling. Perhaps not a psychiatrist to begin with, as most tend to simply reach for their prescription pad .
Something a lot cheaper which may also help is meditation, especially if you have an overactive mind, as I do .
I'll finish by sharing a couple of things I picked up along the way; Misery is a choice. .What you are experiencing is not a rehearsal for life, it IS your life, a dynamic which changes constantly.
I wish you joy ,to love and to feel loved.
@Cognostic, Tin-Man, Whitefire et Al
I just want to say a big thank you all for the advice and support. I have to say, it's made me feel a lot better and I've even come to discover things about myself that I previously didn't notice. I have concluded that it would be best for my emotional health if I cut her off completely. She can get pretty passive-aggressive and confrontational though. She's had a fight with one of our mutual friends previously and whilst they weren't on speaking terms, she'd still occasionally make passive-aggressive troll comments to trigger our other friend when she happens to sight her, or she'd mock her publicly in her absence. On one occasion, "Jane" actually wanted to walk up to her and insult her to her face and I had to hold her back. She knows how to give the silent treatment but hates it when you return it to her, I think. Worst part is we'll see ourselves in class everyday once the break is over. Truth is, I've talked to her already in the past about certain aspects of her attitude that trigger me such as her loudness, short temper, or her jumping into conclusions. Albeit privately, I've even confronted her one time after she embarrassed me in class by raising her voice at me. Generally, that's just the way she is and I've accepted that. I'm going to start off my simply ignoring her, then see where it goes from there.
@ V.C Kojo
Quite a few of us in here can be called old farts, we have traveled a long way along the path of life. So we can understand what you are experiencing, because we have been in similar situations. We also understand that at times, it is better to move on, and leave certain individuals out of our daily lives.
The important thing is that while there may be a short term pain, maybe even suffering, it is definitely worth it in the long run.
Please do not do anything to trigger her, to indicate that you have decided to cut her out of your life, because that can lead to her becoming the nastiest thing in your life. Just do not initiate meetings, always be polite as usual, but also find excuses to be away from her. Just do a slow fade.
At your age you are at a wonderful part of your life. I envy you, a full life with many adventures and experiences ahead of you. But you are also transitioning away from a protected teen into the world of adults, learning a completely new way to conduct yourself, and interact with others.
The thing is, in four or five years you will probably have trouble remembering any of your classmates, because at your age you will discover a new life.
GET BACK ON THAT FRIGGING SCALE WE TALKED ABOUT!!! END THIS ALL OR NOTHING BULLSHIT THINKING YOU HAVE GOING ON. There is nothing hard about being civil. 50% on the scale.
"Hi, How have you been"
"Come and sit next to me/"
"No thank you. "
If she sits next to you.
"Excuse me please. I have to go to the bathroom. "
Pick up your books and sit someplace else.
"Oh Excuse me. I see a friend."
Pick up your books and move.
No one says you have to be uncomfortable or rude. POLITE WITH LIMITS is the proper way to go. Look at the situation as practice for later in your life.
If she confronts you. you tell her you have to set some limits. She can't have what she wants all the time. You don't have to explain a damn thing no matter how demanding she gets. "Sorry, that's just the way I feel. You are not good for me." Nothing else need be said. You do not have to justify yourself to anyone. Especially someone you do not trust.
GET OVER THIS ALL OR NOTHING THINKING: There will be thousands of people in your life who you do not like and who do not like you. They don't like you for the simple fact that you walked into a room looking the way you look. GET THE FUCK OVER IT. Stop worrying about pleasing other people. Just be who you are. Are you the sort of asshole that just cuts people off and ignores them? DON'T BE LIKE HER. Grow some fucking balls and set some clear boundaries. STOP ACTING LIKE A CHILD!
@ Cognostic
10,000 likes
10,000 likes. dead on mate
Cog ... here, honey... eat this banana.
VC ... you described perfectly her controlling narcissistic behaviour
“ She can get pretty passive-aggressive and confrontational though. She's had a fight with one of our mutual friends previously and whilst they weren't on speaking terms, she'd still occasionally make passive-aggressive troll comments to trigger our other friend when she happens to sight her, or she'd mock her publicly in her absence. On one occasion, "Jane" actually wanted to walk up to her and insult her to her face and I had to hold her back. She knows how to give the silent treatment but hates it when you return it to her, I think.”
Yup...and she let you witness it all so you know whats’acomin’ should you get the idea in your head that she’s toxic. Leaving JWs I knew (because I witnessed the behaviour beforehand) that I “was an apostate...a sinner who never loved Jehovah...hardhearted...deserving of death...oh and every gossipy memory they can think of to talk about in my absence”
So? Soooo? You see it. You are walking away. That’s it. Anyone worth their salt sees it too. If they don’t let them be her “friend”.
Scenario 1- she “respects” your decision. Lol!!!
Scenario 2 - she tries to publicly humiliate you. Call it out (Chanel your inner Cog) tell her loudly that she’s a “controlling, narcissistic bitch!” LOUDLY for all to hear. Nothing else - walk away
Best case scenario- she’s out of your life. Period. End of story. Eat ice cream to get through the withdrawal symptoms :)
Mmmm banana. But I am an opinionated ass., The problem isn't just her. The problem is a pathological need of V.C Kojo for acceptance and a very Juvenile black and white view of reality due to his lack of social skills. Kojo needs to work on himself as much as he does the situation he is in. He is in the situation not just because of her but because of himself.
Yup, I agree. He’s young - still growing his balls...
@plantainaddiction
Exactly why I suggested what I did. The sooner he knows himself, the better off he will be with figuring out how others fit in his life.
V.C Kojo. Your circumstance made me think of Somerset Maugham's semi-autobiographical novel 'Of Human Bondage' and I was going to recommend it to you. Maugham had a difficult and toxic relationship with an annoying inconsistent woman much like your Jane back before World War 1, so while you are in good company, its a pretty old situation that many have experienced. The fact that "Of Human Bondage" is his longest novel is just a measure of how much his Jane really fucked him up.
I had a "Jane" once, an older American woman whose outrageous freewheeling behaviour blinded me to her insecurities and pathologies. It was my first serious relationship and an utter disaster. Fortunately I realised the truth, made a clean abrupt break and walked away from it. The sudden break was the reason I found it difficult to forget her, but in time I did and I still pride myself for acting in the service of my own good interests. It was a bad situation for the both of us. The imbalances of our relationship made me more discerning and for that I enjoyed more rewarding ones. When I got married it was the best experience and my wife helped me learn so much more about myself. Its a lifelong task because we keep changing and need to keep changing, develop and grow.
I think you got good advice here from the others.
Don't bother reading Maugham's book. Although he is one of my favourite authors not only is this novel very long, its pretty dreary. I would instead recommend anything by Kurt Vonnegut or Graham Greene if you haven't already read them.
Cheers and take care.
Hello, I am responding V.C Kojo, I am responding to your topic post.
Within my experience the opinion I will give you is..
she seems totally toxic.
And there’s no sense in putting up with that level of negativity, it could run you dry and cause all sorts of issues.. I understand some of the times were probably wonderful, and she possibly lit up your world ( or even parts of it )
However I learned that if you notice red flags don’t ever over look them. Sometimes you can go wrong trusting someone. Trust what they show you and compare it to the things they say. And by that I mean if they show you negative traits and are treating you in seriously dark ways.. let them go and move on.. you don’t even need the clarification.
If they made a mistake maybe on the future with new friends if it hurt you and you care and you see that it could hurt them bring it up if they’re reasonable about it and care too and they make the effort to change the habit that’s a good sign.
I know how it can be difficult to make friends... work on you. Do the things you love follow your dreams love yourself.
The right people will meet you where you’re at .