Maturing into what you want to be.

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Talyyn's picture
Maturing into what you want to be.

Hello Everyone,

I have been into a lot of introspection lately, and some little epiphanies. To get to the point, at this point in my life, I must say things are bittersweet. I do rationally think good things have happened in my life, but since I am plagued by low self-esteem, three sides of my life are lacking.

1. I am not employed, yet in the job I want to, namely that I'm doing more or less "physical" work instead of materials innovation.

2. The great discrepancy between my real self and the ideal one.

3. Singleness

I used to and still use , in a very limited sens, to, blame other forces, other peoples for that, and giving me excuses, but enough of that!

Therefore,

I solemnly declare:

That I will have the job I intend to;

That I will strive to be brave, have dignity and be noble

That I will find love.

If anyone want to do a similar thing in the thread, please carry on!

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Cognostic's picture
@Talyyn: Stay positive.

@Talyyn: Stay positive. You will never get what you want if you do not try for it. Work one job while seeking a better on. Keep your eyes and ears open for that opportunity. Success is when opportunity and being prepared meet.

Being single is also nothing more than a lack of preparedness and not creating opportunities for yourself. DATING SITES WORK.

David Killens's picture
Talyyn, I am 69 years old,

Talyyn, I am 69 years old, and have lived an "interesting" life with six distinct careers. So I can state "been there, done that" for most issues you are pondering.

First off, you need to build a full introspection list. What I mean is that we usually do this when we are feeling down, and compile the list with mainly negative attributes. That is what you did with your OP. Never forget that you are still young and smart enough to carve out a fulfilling life and career. Also, never forget that you possess many positive skills and attributes.

I suggest you try to keep your goals realistic. Else failure is a massive soul-destroyer. Many young people entering the work force have been indoctrinated into believing that when they reach the workplace they will change the world. And after two or three years, they have lost sight of life and joy.

I suggest (as Cognostic suggested) that you declare that you will always be employed. That is a small, but significant goal that leads towards a better life.

As far as the love life, I will describe part of my life. I was a single asshole until my early 30's, irresponsible and using people like someone uses toilet paper. I was a lone wolf, proud of it. But I reached an epiphany that I was an asshole and lonely. The instant I realized that simple fact, my life moved towards to where I am today. It did not involve any major decisions, just the very tiny ones we make each day.

Cognostic's picture
@ "just the very tiny ones we

@ "just the very tiny ones we make each day." That is the most profound statement of the year.

I could seriously write a book on this one little statement. I tried to add to the post several times but the list is just endless because it really is about the thousands of small decisions we make each day.

Who you hang out with and why. How you choose to see the people around you. What you do with negatives. How to see others as whole complete and capable of making their own life choices no matter who they are. When to get along and when to be right.
So much more.

Something I learned from a university professor and long time mentor. *If you are not happy doing what you are doing, you are doing it wrong.* Words to live a life by.

You are here now. All you have done has gotten you to this point. The question being asked is "where will you go next?"

Imagine yourself climbing a ladder. You do not get half way up the ladder and then decide to let go. That would be silly. Instead, you secure yourself on the ladder. You make sure your balance is correct, you feet are well planted, and you are comfortable. Then, with your free hand, you reach out for the next rung. When you find it, you grab on and only then can you begin to pull yourself up. The ladder is climbed one rung at a time.

Talyyn's picture
@David Killens, @Cognostic

@David Killens, @Cognostic

Thanks for all your answers!

I understand what you are saying about jobs. The good points about my job today is that I learn to do a lot of practical things, instead of just using my brain, and that I have good coworkers generally. Although I know this is not for my personality, I think it is a good experience. It makes me realize more or less the same paths as millions of people before me. It teaches me humility and the elation you have with small successes. Seriously, I am very happy when I realize a small task a worker in construction considers no big thing.

I recognize I have an aversion for failure which is why I have still not finished the four video games i have begun... It is silly really.

For the fact that I am single:

Being single is also nothing more than a lack of preparedness and not creating opportunities for yourself. DATING SITES WORK.

I am 100% in agreement with that sentence but now I have small moments of flirting with rather beautiful women, and frankly a part of why I am dancing Kizomba is that I can meet women.

Tin-Man's picture
@Talyyn

@Talyyn

Howdy, rowdy! I'm a little late to this thread, but better late than never, I suppose... *chuckle*... Anyway, figured I would toss my two cents worth into the pot in the hopes you may find it useful in some way...

Re: Job

From my experience, any job you happen to obtain, whether it is a good or bad job, can be a learning experience in some form or fashion. It is strictly up to you whether you choose to learn from them or not. Also, just because it is a bad job does not mean you cannot be good at it, and just because it might be a good job does not necessarily mean it is what you will want to do as a career. To take it a step further, you may even have a specific job in mind that you believe is what you want to do "forever", but then you might unexpectedly discover a job you never considered before that you are actually good at doing and even enjoy. Thus causing you to forget about the original job you had in mind. The trick is to find a job that you enjoy doing that also provides you with the comfort of life you desire. Basically, it is a balancing act based on your personal preferences and values. In other words, a great paying job that you hate can possibly make you rich, but what is the point if you are always miserable/stressed because of your job? At the same time, a job that might not pay as well, but is one you enjoy doing and keeps you comfortable may not make you rich. However, who cares as long as you are not stressed all the time, can pay your bills, and are able to have fun every now and then?

Anyway, these are things I wish I had known during my earlier days after I graduated high school. Fact is, I was so unfocused and so undecided on what I wanted to do with my life it was almost comical. Between 1986 and 1992 I went through every job from retail store stock clerk, to truck parts delivery driver/warehouse clerk, to door-to-door jewelry sales, to electrician, to copier machine delivery driver/repair technician, to part-time security guard. Even applied and interviewed for a flight attendant position at one point. To say the least, I was a scattered individual... *chuckle*... It was only after I got accepted to the police academy in 1992 that I finally discovered my true calling. Oh, something I forgot to mention is that prior to getting accepted to the police academy, I had spent almost two years and several thousand dollars attending a local technical college and receiving an Associates Degree in Electronics. (I had grand visions of being the inventor of Artificial Intelligence. Or, at the very least, a major contributor to its development... lol...)

However, what I did not realize until much later in my life is that all those other jobs I had in the past ended up being of great benefit to me in some form or fashion during those years that followed. Keep in mind, it was only hindsight many years later that allowed me to see that for what it was. And when I was able to join the Army National Guard in 1996, my "life experiences" really kicked up to another level altogether. (But that's another story unto itself... *chuckle*..) Anyway, point being, we only have one shot at this life. Take each and every experience as it comes along and learn as much from it as you can. More importantly, remember that even bad experiences can be put to positive use. And, trust me, you will definitely have a few bad experiences along the way. Truth be known, though, those are usually our best teachers.

This post is getting rather lengthy, so I will comment on relationships in a separate post....

Cognostic's picture
@TIN: Yea, that degree in

@TIN: Yea, that degree in electronics really helped you understand the inner workings of the taser you fucked people up with. Asshole cops!!! :-)

Tin-Man's picture
@Cog Re: Tasers/ "Asshole

@Cog Re: Tasers/ "Asshole cops"

LMAO... Dude, I'll be the first to testify that getting hit with a Taser S... U... C... K... S! I lost count of how many times I got tazed during training. Son... of... a... bitch! Longest five seconds of a person's life when that thing hits. Absolute indescribable PAIN! Across your ENTIRE body. Tip of the toes to the ends of each individual hair on your head. Five seconds of agonizing eternity, and there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to stop it. Completely immobile... lol... And, yeah, I had to use mine quite often once we were finally allowed to carry them. But, hey, at least it was better than having to shoot a mo-fo and kill him/her... *shrugging shoulders*...

Cognostic's picture
@TIN: I worked in a

@TIN: I worked in a warehouse for the Grant Boys in California. We had Cattle Prods in stock. Ever had a cattle prod war. Ever wonder where those cattle prods on the shelves in the stores have been before you use them on your neighbor's dog? It's ugly. I'm telling you, it's reeeel ugly!

Tin-Man's picture
@Talyyn Re: Relationships

@Talyyn Re: Relationships

This one should be a bit shorter. Matter of fact, bullet points will make it easier to understand. Please keep in mind, though, what follows is only from my own personal experiences. Hope it helps in some way...

* Until you have finally had a chance to "find yourself" (for lack of a better term) and learn who/what you truly are and what you truly want in life, then it will be almost impossible to make another person feel secure and happy for any extended period of time. (Took me two "train wreck" marriages and several failed relationships in between to learn that hard lesson.)

* If you cannot be secure/comfortable with yourself, then how do you expect to be able to make another person secure/comfortable with you?

* Every healthy relationship has its own share of small compromises and acceptance of each other's little quirks. No way around that. However, if you find yourself having to pretend to be a completely different person than who you truly are in order to maintain the "love" of a partner, then that is what we call a "Warning Sign". In other words, if you have to act in a manner that totally goes against what you truly feel/believe, and/or you have to make extreme excuses and compromises to "rationalize" behaviors and attitudes she displays, then you might want to question your true reason(s) for wanting to be with that individual.

* Sometimes, there IS such a thing as "looking too hard". Trying to force something that isn't really there simply out of desperation or other reasons. Trying to behave in such a manner that is not your true nature just to try to attract somebody of interest. One can maintain a false facade for only so long before the true self finally claws its way back to the surface.

* I believe Cog may have already mentioned it, but be prepared when the opportunity approaches you. And sometimes it can come along when you least expect it. For example, when I first met the wonderful and fantastic woman I now call my wife, I was only a few months away from retiring, And having saved up a considerable little "next egg" by then, I had already made plans to sell my house, pack up, and set off to parts unknown. After two failed marriages and having had zero luck in maintaining any steady relationships in between, I had already resigned myself to remaining single and becoming a "world travelling bachelor." By that time, I was simply tired of all the failures, disappointments, and heartaches. And the only reason she and I ever met was because one of my nephews and her daughter were dating at the time, and they had both suggested/urged that we meet and become friends. Funny thing is, I had no desire nor intentions of doing so. One, I already had future plans that did not include a partner. And, two, she was still married at the time. Granted, it was not a happy marriage for her, and she was in the beginning stages of leaving him, but that naturally made me even more reluctant to meet her. (Who wants to get involved in that kind of mess?) Nevertheless, after weeks of cajoling and pestering from her daughter and my nephew, I told them to give her my number and call me if she was interested. Much to my surprise, she actually called me a few days later, and after a couple of other phone conversations we finally agreed to meet at one of the yoga classes she taught at the time. Long story short, the moment I laid eyes on her, I KNEW I was a goner. All those world travelling plans I had got swept to the side in an instant. It was not easy by any stretch of the imagination, and it took her a little over a year before she was finally able to get away from her ex and divorced. But all the struggle and stress we went through during that time only strengthened the bond we now have. Her and I meeting and becoming a couple was something I had never planned nor could have even imagined at that time, yet I am happier and more satisfied and more at ease now than I have ever been before in my life. Yep, sometimes these things hit you when you least expect it. Just be prepared for when it happens.

Okay, thought this was going to be shorter, but it looks as though I was mistaken. Whoops. Still, I hope this helps in some way. Bottom line is, if you truly do want a REAL and long-lasting relationship, then you must first be secure with yourself before you can ever make somebody else secure. Oh, and one other tiny little detail that most people forget... A genuine relationship actually takes effort. It is work. It requires almost constant maintenance to keep things running smoothly. And, as somebody else may have already mentioned, it is the LITTLE things that matter most, and they are generally the most difficult to maintain. However, the reward of maintaining them can be well worth the effort. Just a little something to keep in mind... *wink*...

Cognostic's picture
@LOL: Tin started that book

@LOL: Tin started that book I was talking about. If you are not happy, change. If you don't like what you are doing, do something different. Waiting for the right situation is the exact same thing as doing nothing at all.

Talyyn's picture
@Tin-Man

@Tin-Man

Yep, sometimes these things hit you when you least expect it. Just be prepared for when it happens.

True! And sometimes, the women (or man) is something that is unexpected too. The truth is that for years, i wallowed in denial, self-pity and and spirit of defeatism! I was completely restrained by feeling of self-loathing, but it got better.

Another thing is that I'm short, and while it certainly an hindrance, i see so much short men who are successful that i sometimes tap myself in the back saying:

"This can be you too".

Tin-Man's picture
@Talyyn Re: Being short

@Talyyn Re: Being short

To borrow a popular quote: "It ain't the size of the dog in the fight that matters. It is the size of the fight in the dog."

You can either use your size as a lame excuse as to why you cannot accomplish something, or you can find a way to use your size as an advantage that allows you to accomplish things others cannot do. Totally up to you which direction you go with that.

Talyyn's picture
@Tin-Man

@Tin-Man

There are advantages of being small, first I am very efficient in terms of resources used lol! But yes I take less and less my size as an excuse.

Talyyn's picture
@Tin-Man

@Tin-Man

Of course I have other courses of interest in terms of job appliance. And I agree with you, as long as I like what I do. But then, I have a very good idea of where I want to work, but then when you say, maybe a few years from now I will do a totally different career.

Cognostic's picture
Kizomba. Sounds like

Kizomba. Sounds like KOWABUNKA! to me. And it looks about the same!!!! YIKES! Can I come to your class!!! Had to look it up,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hgefcBW611w

Actually, my life experience has told me that the girls who dance well are terrible lovers. I actually did a quick search to see how off the mark I was.

GUESS WHAT!
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-179122/Good-dancers--good-lov...

Okay the article is about men, but I think the same holds true for women. I bar-tended at a few places that had a live bands and dance floors for about 20 years. I have done the testing but not the documentation. Probably another reason I have opted to remain single. There are always more dance floors.

HEY! Have fun.

Talyyn's picture
@Cognostic

@Cognostic

Yes you can come anytime you want lol! I'll see if the blonde woman with glasses is a terrible lover then^^.

Cognostic's picture
@Talyyn: Take pictures or I

@Talyyn: Take pictures or I won't believe a thing you say. :-)

LogicFTW's picture
@Talyyn

@Talyyn

A little different perspective from other posters here. (There advice is probably better than mine, but I figured more perspectives is a good thing!)

First a bit about me:
- I am younger than most of the regulars here. In my mid to late 30's
- I have had only one serious relationship in my life. To my current wife married 8 years ago, dated/engaged for 3 years prior to that.
- I have a job that I am good at and I love, (well most of it, every job going to suck most of the time.

1. I am not employed, yet in the job I want to, namely that I'm doing more or less "physical" work instead of materials innovation.

Perhaps because my job is so "white collar" (I work with computers all day) I actually find physical labor jobs quite rewarding, I like creating thing with my hands. My old hobby was computers growing up, my new hobbies are building/repairing things, wood working, metal working, gardening, etc. My current job of which I would rate as very satisfied with, was born of a hobby, where I then took some classes to learn more on my hobby which turned into a lucrative career, where I grew enough in expertise that I now am able to work for myself. My clients are my "boss" and I can pick and choose my clients. I recommend finding what you like and turning that into a job if at all possible.

2. The great discrepancy between my real self and the ideal one.

While I think it is truly great to always strive to improve oneself, I think it is also important to recognize the acomplishments you already made and the things you take for granted. Yes, improve, but also learn to be satisfied with what you have, and slowly work on the areas that you feel still need improvement. Life is a journey, not a destination. A almost trite saying, but the better I understood that for myself the better I was able to accept myself for who I am, and where I am right now, which gave me more room to grow and improve as I freed myself from unnecessary self doubt.

3. Singleness

"Singleness" to me is actually part of a larger global problem, loneliness. I have some of these issues too, even though I am very happily married. My biggest problem when I was younger when it came to finding a great partner, was I set my standards too high. I wanted the "perfect" woman. And if she was not a supermodel super hero woman that was perfect in every way I felt I was compromising and "settling" for less. Worse still, my own actual self ego realized I was not perfect. I was not 225 pounds with 1 percent or less body fat. And a genius in every subject. Once I realized these 2 things, I stopped expecting the perfect "woman" that media portrays but does not actually exist. I found my wife doing a different hobby, we fell in love, and she is not perfect, but she is PERFECT for me, something that I realize now is far better.

I solemnly declare:

This is a great start. Create reasonable goals for yourself, voice them, then set about achieving them.
 
 

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I am an atheist that always likes a good debate
Please include @LogicFTW for responses to me
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Cognostic's picture
@RE: "Singleness" to me is

@RE: "Singleness" to me is actually part of a larger global problem, loneliness.
This is not the place to "wake you up" but I can plant a seed that you will remember when the time comes. You have always been alone and you will always be alone. The idea that you are not alone is a delusion.

If a person lives long enough he or she will lose their job, lose the ability to do their hobby, their friends will begin dying off, their children will grow up, move away and start their own lives, and a person who lives long enough will become a bother and then realize, all the distractions were just there to keep him or her from feeling lonely.

When someone feels loved, it is not the other person's love that is felt, but rather, chemicals released in that person's own body. People are a prisoners inside their skins. No one knows our thoughts. No one knows our feelings. We have only words to share these and even shared, no one has an experience just like ours. WE ARE ALONE IN THERE.

There is a big difference between understanding being alone, and always having been alone, and always being alone, and feeling lonely. The feeling of lonely happens when people do not understand the nature of human beings. We are alone. It's okay. Everyone is alone. People come into our lives and people go out of our lives. (I am not trying to be pessimistic but realistic.) Everything we have ever known could be gone tomorrow. The one thing we have in this life is ourselves. And we will have our-self until we don't have it any more. It will; however, be the last thing to leave.

There is something very amazing in grasping the fact that the love we feel is ours, our pain is ours, our feelings are all ours, and our experiences are all ours. We are utterly and completely alone. No one else ever feels or completely understands anything that is going on under our skin. Being utterly and completely alone in this world, it is absolutely fucking amazing. The fact that anyone can find another person to make them feel great and enjoy the journey with is overwhelmingly remarkable. How much more can a person appreciate their choice to be with someone when they understand both completely alone. How much more do we appreciate another when we understand that the other person is with us for as long as they want. They are bound by nothing and can leave at any moment, but they choose to stay. They choose to stave their own loneliness by being with us. How can we not appreciate that?

I hope I expressed that the right way. I literally detached from my family when I was a very young man and I left home when I was 16. Loneliness was my life until I found Jesus. But I was smart and asked too many questions and did a bit too much exploration. Jesus was soon on the back burner as Buddhism took over. The journey did not stop there. The more I read and the more I looked into Buddhism the sillier the dogma god. J Krishnamurti put the last nail in the coffin for Buddhism but I was completely incapable of believing his shit as well. Religions were bogus and I was an atheist. I was alone in this world. I did not share beliefs, I had moved on from one group of friendships to another and another and another. By 20 or 21 I just realized we are all alone on this planet. And being absolutely alone, one of the most amazing things about us is our ability to care for others. When we grasp the fact that we are absolutely and utterly alone in our journey from life to death on this planet.....WE ARE NEVER ALONE AGAIN. Look around, we are all the same. We are all running about TRYING NOT TO BE LONELY. The natural state of human existence is to be alone. Alone in our skin. Alone in our minds. Alone in our feelings. And, ultimately, alone in our actions whatever they may be. This is exactly why being with someone is so special. If we understand that we are alone, we will always remember to appreciate the person who chooses to spend their time with us.

Just my thoughts.

(EDITED TO DEPERSONALIZE THE LANGUAGE) (AND REMOVE A GOD QUOTE)

Talyyn's picture
From Cognostic post:

From Cognostic post:

They are bound by nothing and can leave at any moment, but they choose to stay. They choose to stave their own loneliness by being with us. How can we not appreciate that?

This is much true.

LogicFTW's picture
@Cognostic

@Cognostic
I actually have had thoughts similar to what you write about loneliness swirling around in my head for some time, but you put it to words and connected a few things for me. This way of thinking is actually not very big change from conclusions and way I always think, so what I am saying here is:
I think I understand what you are trying to tell me. Hopefully I can take the shortcut of understanding this concept better than a lifetime of learning to get there, if I ever got there.
I have not had major loss yet. The circle of family/friends I have that I truly would feel their loss in passing is very small. All of them are currently "healthy." A rational and logical mind knows that will not last forever. And out living those that are same age or older then you is actually the most ideal scenario out of the 2 (3?) options.

When someone feels loved, it is not the other person's love that is felt, but rather, chemicals released in that person's own body

Profound. While I have always known that, understanding that in this context is important. And it is not a bad thing to characterize/describe love this way.

There is something very amazing in grasping the fact that the love we feel is ours, our pain is ours, our feelings are all ours, and our experiences are all ours.

The other piece, (to me) of the profound statement.
Perhaps another way for me to think of it is: we can only give love, we can not receive it. But we can give love to ourselves.

How much more do we appreciate another when we understand that the other person is with us for as long as they want.

A beautiful but also accurate way to describe love. I think there is more than just this, but fully agree with this.

I am interested in your back story, and how you reached your conclusions, as I have had a very different life then you have. This actually goes for all the atheist regulars here. You all have in your own way arrived to conclusion to be atheist, when so few people % wise get here. What other rare truths %wise to the population have everyone here figured out, perhaps hard truths, but ultimately are freeing and highly useful? I knew I was atheist 3 years ago when I joined this site, 3 years later, I now, better than ever, understand the theist. (Even if I do not agree with them!) What else can I learn here?

 
 

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I am an atheist that always likes a good debate
Please include @LogicFTW for responses to me
Tips on forum use. ▮ A.R. Member since 2016.
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Cognostic's picture
RE: I am interested in your

RE: I am interested in your back story, You are free to PM for the back story. I actually have several private conversations going on with other members.

Given the observations I have asserted in the above post, I will also assert that I have made peace with all of them. I do not see loneliness in my own life any more. Not that I do not feel the need for company at times. But I do not feel the sad loneliness of loss, abandonment, or being utterly alone in the world any longer. These feelings are not actually real for me.

I think it is this loneliness that keeps many people believing in god despite the complete lack of evidence. People do not want to feel alone. Someone has to care for them even if it is a magical being in the sky. Jesus or god becomes the daddy. Mommy is the church. The message of the Church is always, "You just wait until daddy gets home." The whole God thing, seems to me to be a mommy and daddy substitute for egos that have not grown up. (Among other things.)

David Killens's picture
Talyyn, if this may help you,

Talyyn, if this may help you, when I began my journey of 'self improvement" it was to remove what I perceived as bad traits.

Yes, we all have goals and aspirations, but they can be fleeting and temporary. But when one examines their negative side, those traits usually are deeply ingrained and definitely something you can target easily.

My suggestion is to work on one negative aspect of your personality. It does not have to be major, anything small is one good baby step in the right direction.

Talyyn's picture
@David Killens

@David Killens

I understand what you are saying, maybe I was being too bold. I will have to find that minor negative aspect, it is true that i am monopolized by what I see as my biggest flaws.

As a side note, two years ago I ended therapy with psychologists because well, I left the city where I lived, but I project to begin a new soon, even if the therapy would ot be for what I am talking in the thread.

Cognostic's picture
@Killens: "Work on the

@Killens: "Work on the negative aspects" I want to respectfully disagree.

People are whole and complete and capable of doing whatever they need to do to survive. I want to tell you that anything "negative" about you or your personality is there because it has been a useful and necessary survival tool. You do not change it or throw it away.

Example: According to Claudia Black, Children in families with Alcoholism grow up to "Don't Talk, Don't Trust, and Don't Feel." They do not talk, express their opinions, because in a home with an alcoholic it is not safe to do so. They do not trust because promises are continually broken by the alcoholic and the enabler who supports him or her. They do not feel because they have learned that their feelings do not matter. Many therapists using Claudia's model spend years trying to get patients to trust more, get in touch with their feelings, and talk.

THIS IS THE LONG WAY. This is finding the negative and working on it. This is "PATHOLOGY HUNTING" and unfortunately it is the way many therapists have been trained.

Consider instead, the negative parts of your personality and behavior have SURVIVAL VALUE. They are there for a very good reason. You do not need to work on them or throw them away. They will always be there because they are thing you have done. You deal with them by wanting something different for your life. You look around at what you want from life and decide what you want and where you want to go. When those traits we speak of are no longer useful in getting you what you want. you simply stop using them. Not trusting, not talking, and not feeling are perfectly wonderful techniques for surviving an alcoholic family. In fact. the child that learned to do these things to survive is fucking amazing. The problem arises when it is time to leave home and the child continues to treat the world and people around them by not talking, not trusting, and not feeling. This person does not work on "Not Trusting." They work on "Trusting people more." They do not work on "Not feeling" They work on having feelings and expressing them more." They do not work on "Not Talking" They work on having opinions and expressing them. They work to understand that everyone has opinions and their own opinions are important to express.

It is not important to notice the negative or even admit to the negative first. It is only important that you recognize how you want to be. Who do you want to be like. Decide on what you want to practice and then begin doing that bit by bit until it comes natural to you.

I HAVE USED THE LADDER ANALOGY BEFORE.
When you climb a ladder you do not destroy all the rungs below you. Do this and you will fall. You will have nothing supporting you on the ladder. Change is in front of you, not behind you. Focusing on the past. does not move you forward. You are at the perfect starting point, right now. If you want to be more trusting, then that is the next rung to grab. If you want to talk more, then that would be the next rung to grab. if you want to feel more, then you would grab that rung. So you work on your balance. You feel that you are secure in your position on the ladder. And when you are comfortable. you slowly reach out for that next rung. You test it. You try it out. And when you are confident, you pull yourself up to the next level.

WORK ON THE POSITIVE THINGS, NOT THE NEGATIVE. WORK ON WHO YOU WANT TO BE, HOW YOU SEE YOURSELF IN THE FUTURE. WORK BY LOOKING FORWARD, NOT BACKWARDS. THERE IS NO CHANGE IN THE PAST.

David Killens's picture
I agree with you Cognostic,

I agree with you Cognostic, but maybe this is just a misunderstanding. For myself, looking back is good only for learning your mistakes. That is all, history is good only for learing your mistakes.

But a healthy mind should be constantly eagerly anticipating tomorrow, and what positive changes one can bring to oneself.

I previously mentioned that I have enjoyed multiple careers. One was after twenty years my employer "downsized", with basically everyone (over 2,000 people) suddenly out of a job. For myself, I was one of the first to move on, finding a new job and career path. In fact, I improved my situation. But I know that some of my fellow co-workers did not move on, they focused on the sad tale they had lost a job, and just gave up on life. Once the job was gone, some just lived their lives out without accomplishing anything.

Talyyn's picture
But I know that some of my

But I know that some of my fellow co-workers did not move on, they focused on the sad tale they had lost a job, and just gave up on life. Once the job was gone, some just lived their lives out without accomplishing anything.

I have a friend like that, actually, he is dissatisfied with his current job and overall life, but keeps ruminating instead of finding solutions and moving on.

Cognostic's picture
Yesterday a friend of mine

Yesterday a friend of mine died. What timing. Not a close friend, just someone I would talk with over beers at the local chicken shop. He was retiring. He had gone to America to get an FBI clearance so he could qualify for a Philippine retirement visa. He and his wife were finishing up their work at the university and were moving to the Philippines at the end of the semester. When a person dies, they die alone. And now,,, his wife is alone. Eventually you must realize, being alone is the natural state of human existence and yet we try so hard to avoid that fact. I don't know why?

Talyyn's picture
@Cognostic

@Cognostic

My condolences Cog.

Cognostic's picture
Thank you/ I seem to deal

Thank you/ I seem to deal with death rather easily. There was a moment of "Wow Really!" And then just acceptance. Now the phone calls are rolling in. This guy was a teacher at a university in the culinary department with foreign English speaking students from all over the world. Guess who the school counselor is for English Speaking students??? I expect to be fairly busy in the upcoming weeks.

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