Hey everyone! So over last 4 years I did a ton of soul searching a came to the realization that god is not real. However my entire family is extremely devout in their faith. So for last year and a half I’ve had to live this lie that I’m still the devout Christian sheep I once was. It has taken a huge toll on me emotionally and physically because I’m an honest person and don’t want to live a lie my entire life. What should I do?
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Pick up a copy of Greta Christina’s book, “Coming Out Atheist.” You May find some helpful advice in it.
Welcome to AR.
Thanks very much! Really glad to be here with my atheist brothers and sisters. Living in the heart of the Bible Belt of the United States really sucks when you’re an atheist so it’s great to finally have the opportunity for community! And thanks again for book recommendation! Will be picking it up as soon I get paid this week!
"as soon I get paid this week!"
yeah and maybe we can hit the bar for a couple of drinks ma man..!!
welcome to AR bruh...
actually you're not alone here with the same situation, some stories here are more dangerous. take a look around justin.
lucky for me my family isn't that delusional. they know i'm an atheist and they're fine with it...
see yah around man..peace out
I’m always down to grab a beer homes! Just hit me up lol. And yeah man you are right. It really hurts me inside to see all this oppression in the world. People dying just because they don’t buy the bullshit is one of the reasons I want to be active in this community. I feel very strongly about it. But yeah man see you around! Thanks again for the recommendation!
@Justin Scott .....
I'm afraid I can offer little of comfort for your situation........
It seems to me that you have a choice..... between the emotional and physical stress of maintaining your "secret" ....
and the inevitable stress and problems of justifying your choices for your life to your family amid their condemnations, disappointment and recriminations...
Neither is a particularly pleasant prospect , and without knowing you ,your circumstances and your family , I'm afraid I can't in all conscience tell you which way to go... that must be your choice..... I do however sympathise ..... you are truly between a rock and a hard place ...... I wish you well ,whatever path you choose.
Thanks for responding and for the good wishes! I just hope my family can see past their blinders and realize that I am still their son and still love them very much. Best to you!
Some excellent advice above. In the end, you have to make decisions for your own life. Living the lie is one set of problems and coming out is another set. I know of very few people who are not happy in the end, being themselves. With that said, the abuse heaped on apostates is quite real. Loads of YouTube videos out there as well. Do a bit of browsing and then make the best choice you can.
I didn't see anything about age or family connections. If you are a minor, you may not want to rock the boat until you move out. If we are talking about coming out to a wife and family, well, there are a whole lot more things to consider.
I wish you luck and certainly come back and let us know how it is going.
To the rest on the site....
(Empathy from Cog??? What in the hell is going on? There is a difference between whining and someone with a serious concern. )
You raise a good point! I really should’ve disclosed that information to start with lol. As for I’m 22, and my girlfriend is an atheist as well so her and her family I really don’t have to worry about. My parents are the biggest issue. I was heavily involved in my old church before I moved away to college so they all just expect me to do everything they ask at any given moment now. However my parents are the biggest issue. They have repeatedly been aggressive towards atheists in favor of the dogma, which is something I never subscribed to because I’ve always held that everyone has a right to believe what they want. I don’t want to trash talk them because they are my family and I do love them, I just want them to be the same to me you know?
Also I’m not sure what you mean by your last few sentences. Could you elaborate? Thanks!
@Justin Re: Cog's last statement
LMAO... *drying eyes from laughing so hard* Well, first of all, welcome to the AR. Nice to have you aboard. But to help you with Cog's statement, it was directed at those of us who are regulars on here and know him well. If you stay around long enough you will learn that Cog does not tolerate whining or ignorance very well. (Most of us don't, actually.) And whenever he does detect it, woe be it unto the poor sap who dared to trespass. *chuckle* Therefore, take his remark as a compliment. He is one of the better advice givers on here. He may sound harsh sometimes, and you may not always like what he says, but he always speaks the truth.
As for your situation, I can relate somewhat, but not fully to the extent of your predicament. (I grew up in the Bible Belt, too.) Yeah, it is a tough choice. Many others on here who may be able to offer better advice than what I can, though. Meanwhile, hang out and chill. Always something entertaining going on in this place. See ya around.
Lol that’s awesome. I respect that a lot in people because I feel the same way. I’d much rather be told the truth harshly than be spoon fed bullshit. Already endured that for 20 some-odd years of my fucking life lol. And thanks for the welcome! Everyone here has been really great so far and I am so excited to finally be a part of something like this. Looking forward to many more constructive conversations and making new friends.
Cog is wallowing in praise. But my office mates are telling me my farts still stink.
Re: Cog's farts
Dammit, Cog! Not again!.... Hey! Somebody open a fuckin' window! *cough*...*gag*...*cough*
Justin : I am 58 years old. Been an atheist since 13. Father is a Pentecostal Pastor. We spent a great month together over the holidays. My secret? Never argue with your family about religion. Allow them to voice their concerns for your soul. Smile and nod. Eventually they grow weary. My Dad preached at me for 25 years, I nodded. No preaching for the last 20 years. Ruining family relationships over religion is not worth it.
Thanks for the response! And I absolutely completely agree! And that is the farthest thing from my intention! I want nothing more than to have a mutually respectful relationship with my parents that goes both ways. I’m very glad you and your dad were able to work it out and that is awesome! I think that the biggest issue for me is that I don’t want them to think I have done this to spite them or on a whim. I just want them to see how much time, blood, sweat and tears I’ve given up to get to this point. You know what I mean?
Welcome to AR Justin. I sincerely hope you resolve this issue.
I can't tell you what to do, all I can do is give my own personal experiences.
Like you, I place a lot of stock on my integrity. I make a promise, I keep it. I try not to lie, but there may be specific instances when telling the truth can cause more harm than not.
In my case, both of my parents are devout Christians, they live(d) it 24/7. My father has now passed on, and there is very little I will not do in support of my mother. And that includes being dishonest with her. Because in my specific example I have very little to gain and possibly a lot to lose. And when that part of losing involves the potential of great emotional distress on my mother, sorry, I won't do it.
I am willing to suffer a loss in my integrity if it is for the sake of my mother. I lie not for my sake, but for my mother. I am not willing to chance causing her distress.
Justin, please take your time and think this through, and listen to wiser voices than mine. Because if you come out to your family, you can never go back. This AR website offers more than just a forum, it also includes resources for atheists. Please check out the Resources link.
I absolutely understand where you are coming from. And that is absolutely a valid reason. I know myself too well, and I haven’t been able to invision a scenario where I could live with myself if I chose to not tell the truth. I’m very passionate about this area in general and I genuinely want nothing more than to leave the world a better place than I found it. I am by no means saying I have made a decision yet because I haven’t, I am at crossroads and I don’t know which path to take. You know what I mean?
I do understand your dilemma Justin, and I am sure I understand your pain.
For myself, when dealing with such momentous decisions, I base my decision not on my goals and expectations but the impact my decision may have on others.
In the case of Dillahunty, there were a few hard years, but eventually relationships returned to almost previous levels. But in some cases, people have been disowned, and in the most extreme examples, killed by their own kin. So assessing the impact on your loved ones is very important. You do not need to drop an A-bomb on them without any warning, you can do such small things as make oblique references and study the responses, all in an effort to gauge their response. And there are many tactics you can use, maybe opening up on an individual basis.
Personally I would avoid a mob scene, because things can spiral out of control in an instant.
Not sure if you have ever watched "The Atheist Experience" on YouTube. Matt Dillahaunty (The bald guy) was very religious for a long time and even wanted to be a preacher. Then he began to study and left his belief in theology behind. Now as an avid atheist he frequently discusses his relationship with his family. It was quite difficult at first. The family thought he was influenced by the devil. Of course he loves his family and now it seems most of the hard times are over. He has learned to enjoy his family and there just seems to be an unwritten rule not to speak about spiritual matters while Matt is visiting.
Here is a quick link for you.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OSO0Ik6xVuk
Matt Dillahunty is one of my favorite modern thinkers! The Atheist Experience was actually one of the first things I saw that started my questioning of Christianity in the first place. He and Tracie Harris both had a huge impact on my life
Matt will deny the influence. He says, it's because you began exploring and questioning. "When the student is ready, the teacher appears." There was a time when you would have watched him and just asserted "This guy is nuts and he is going to burn in hell."
Your effort, your curiosity, your logic and your reason have led you to where you are.
You are absolutely right my friend. I would’ve been that way exactly about 4 years ago.
In the video mentioned, Matt has a great line to get the family to stop pestering him about faith. "If your God can do anything, and if he can answer prayers, they just pray that he shows me the truth."
Basically, "You pray and we can all get along." Leave it to God. Christians are good at that anyway.
J Scott: "I’ve always held that everyone has a right to believe what they want". As long as no harm to themselves or others.
So your family, (like most religionists do) acknowledge you have the same rights, I suppose.
"I don’t want to trash talk them because they are my family and I do love them"
Absolutely agree with you, but don't fall into the trap of appearing to think that honest disagreement over god(s) or religion is 'trash talk'. My religious parent seemed to think that I was the one causing trouble by not believing in god, but that attitude was commonplace half a century ago. It is even less acceptable today.
The point I really want to make is: Don't be defensive. do not fall into the trap of giving the appearance that you are in some degree at fault for not believing in god or not following a religion. Be tactful and respectful, but I wouldn't lie. I just point out that, according to most religionists, belief in god(s) and religious affiliations are a matter of conscience and honesty.
Thanks very much for the advice! And that’s funny that you bring that up. My parents were having some marital problems recently(won’t go into the details) but I had just gotten my ears pierced on my own accord and on my own dollar and they claimed that was the reason for the problems. They claimed I was creating too much tension and was trying to tear the family apart. That sent me into a horrible state of depression and lit my anxiety on fucking fire lol. But it’s all good cuz I realize now they were looking for something to blame and I was never truly at fault
Hi Justin. All I've got for you is a welcome, I'm afraid. My family are all Catholics, but even the churchgoers are progressives. My atheism's never been an issue for them- it just puzzles them. l have had friends in your position, and the bad reaction of their families seems to come from fear that the much loved atheist is going to hell.
Hey Snake! I appreciate the welcome! Glad to meet you my friend! I’m glad your family is chill and don’t take issue with that, but as you said, it’s so unfortunate to see bonds broken and families ripped apart because they can’t accept someone else’s beliefs. Thanks again!
If it is safe to do so, I suggest broaching the subject by saying "...I've been having doubts about...", because that way, you can test the waters before deciding whether to be more open.
What’s up Sapporo! Thanks for the advice! I actually employed this tactic when talking with my uncle who is one of the few members of my family I could trust to not tell my parents. I told him I was having doubts about creationism, which is what my school of 14 years taught by the way. I told him that I’ve found evolution to be a very solid theory and he said we could agree to disagree there. So not too bad I guess lol. Thanks again for the help!
This is a good place to muster your confidence and to find solidarity. Finding Atheist Republic is a good start. The advice that Chimp3 gave you is perhaps, the closest echo to mine. If you want to argue about the existence or non existence of gods this is the place to do it, not with your family. They are more important. You don't have to lie, but you don't have to fight about it either.
And Welcome to the party and I hope you find it as enriching and gratifying as many of us have.
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