This is an introductory message. Hello all.

As the subject line says, I am not happy to be here, and by "here" I mean atheism. Unlike so many atheists I read about, becoming an atheist was not a liberating experience for me, but a traumatic one. I did not become an atheist out of a quest to reject the shackles of religion and do my own thing. I came to atheism through a hesitant and nervous process of reason, and I came to atheism completely alone. Being an atheist now is not something I celebrate, but something that disturbs me. I am an atheist mostly on an intellectual level. It's a matter of cold hard facts, not sentiment. In sentiment and culture I am firmly attached (if not imprisoned) by my Christian background and environment. My world, the world I grew up in and still live in, the world I understand and relate to, is bible belt and fundamentalist Christianity. My family, both immediate and extended, as well as most all of my friends, are Christians and a part of the same church. I have no intention of telling them about my state of unbelief. It would do nothing but cause a lot of drama and grief. Instead I continue to go to church and bible study and lead prayers. I actually don't feel dishonest about it. It's what I know, it's how I was bred, it's my native language and in the middle of it I almost forget that I don't really believe anymore. Meanwhile, it's not like there's a replacement atheist family and church down the street for me to turn to. Atheism has nothing to offer me it seems. It's just that, so much nothingness. And I don't feel comfortable with atheists and their culture which is so foreign to me. No offense, but my limited and stereotypical image of atheists is that they are one dimensional people who do nothing but sit around in smugness, smirking and ridiculing Christians (think Bill Maher). It's hard for me to warm up to that and join in, since, even though I'm an atheists now, all the people I care about are Christians.

To put it another way, I don't know where I belong anymore. I don't belong anywhere it seems. With Christians I am only pretending, and with atheists I feel like I'm cavorting with the fans of a rival sports team.

So why am I here? For one I guess I need some place to be able to express myself and I was drawn to the website description of caring atheists. Hopefully some may understand what I'm going through and have some patience with my duplicity. It's nothing I planned, it's something that just slowly developed over time and I don't know what to do about it.

I also long to talk to others who think outside of the bible, others with whom I can share non-theistic thoughts, ideas and epiphanies. Even though I'm perfectly at home in the church world I live in, I can't deny that I am also frustrated in it. I have looked behind the curtain and seen the Wizard of Oz for what he really is, yet I am unable to do anything but keep nodding my head in church as I sit and listen to things that are the product of old-world superstition. I long to grow as a person and as a thinker but I can't do that by rereading the bible over and over again. It's lonely being an atheist strictly in my own head. I need to be able to connect with others in this. I also hope to engage in discussions on subjects that trouble me. Subjects that involve learning the atheist worldview of life and death and morality and such. I find myself with contradictory and confusing thoughts as I struggle to see the world in a different way now. Parts of me still want to believe and I struggle to learn how to live apart from my old beliefs.