Bible verses that didn't make the cut

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NewSkeptic's picture
Bible verses that didn't make the cut

Ok, I posted this elsewhere, but I'm afraid it isn't being seen there (and damn it, I'm proud of it, breaking one of the commandments). Thus, a new topic.

I found this in a very old manuscript while visiting the Dead Sea. (My kids were burying me in the sand), The translation from ancient Greek is my own, so please forgive me if some of it isn't spot on.

I can see why this was edited out of the Gospels. This relates to the virgin birth.

Have any of you come across any good deleted passages?

Mary's Father: Mary, you've been spending way too much time with that goat herder lately.

Mary: His name is Joseph father, and he's wonderful

Mary's Father: You're 12 freaking years old, you should be spending your time with your mother hauling water from the stream and cooking and cleaning.

Mary: Oh Father, you are so negative first century.

Mary's Father: Mary, turn sideways

Mary: wha-wha-wha why Father?

Mary's Father: Mary, just do it or I won't spare the rod.

Mary: (turning sheepishly) Oh Daddy!

Mary's Father: You little whore! Where is that goat herder son of a bitch. I'm gonna bury my hot poker us his ass (Editor's note: not seeing the humor here)

Mary: (thinking quickly) Bu,,uh..uht Daddy, Joseph and I have not, you know, been with each other, maybe a bit of heavy petting but that was it. It was, it was, uh, the Holy Spirit, yeah that's it, it was the Holy Spirit!

Mary's Father: The Holy what!? Don't feed my a line of bullshit Mary, I wasn't born yesterday.

Mary: The Holy Spirit Daddy, you know, part of the Holy Trinity. Co-equal and both together with and separate from God the Father.

Mary's Father: The what? Stop with the Jibberish. You expect me to believe that crap.

Mary: It's not poo-poo Daddy. The Holy Spirit came to me in a dream and told me that I was chosen to deliver the Son of God and his name shall be Emmanuel. He will be the third part of the Trinity and he will forgive all of our sins. Isn't that wonderful!

Mary's Father: Stop with the lies Mary. I'm going to skin that bastard.

Mary: But Daddy, I'M A VIRGIN!

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Terraphon's picture
uhhh

uhhh

Tin-Man's picture
Here's a couple...

Here's a couple...

And Adam saw that he was naked, and he was ashamed. Therefore, he hid in the garden among the foliage upon hearing God call to him. And God called out, "Adam! Adam, where are you? I wish to commune with you, my son!" And while hiding behind a blueberry bush, Adam thought to himself, "Wait... Uh, God doesn't know where I am?... He can't find me?.... Wow! This changes EVERYTHING!"

Totally baffles me as to how THAT little passage ended up on the editing room floor.... *scratching head*...

Cognostic's picture
There are Thousands of

There are Thousands of interesting passages that did not make the cut.

"Gospel of Eve"
Eat that semen, it's good for you.
http://www.pantheism.net/paul/history/gnostic.htm

The Greater Questions of Mary:
Jesus takes Mary to a mountain top, pulls a woman out of his thigh, copulates, withdraws, collects his seed in his hand and eats it.
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/didnt-make-the-bible_b_905076

Gospel of Peter
The Giant Jesus and the Walking-Talking Cross that exits the tomb with Jesus.

David Killens's picture
https://www.youtube.com/watch
chimp3's picture
The Gospel of St. Cholera the

The Gospel of St. Cholera the Physician:

"The Lord spoketh and revealed to me the existence of teeny, tiny beasties that liveth in the water we drink. Thus, the vile issue from our bowels that leadeth to death. The Lord commands we boil our water before we drink of it, so saving the lives of many of his children."

Talyyn's picture
And the Lord said: don't

And the Lord said: don't bother yourselves with what is going inside other's beds.

Dark One's picture
The story of the virgin birth

The story of the virgin birth was based on a mistranslated that said the Jewish Messiah would be born from a young woman though when they translated it into Greek from Hebrew it was translated into virgin. So you can see that the authors of the Bible were trying to engineer the story to fit with the prophecies. Another example being that Messiah would be born in Bethlehem but Jesus was from Nazareth. They had to literally invent the Roman Census story to get Jesus born in Bethlehem.

There is an actual more indepth story about the the virgin birth that didn't make the cut, there was an awful lot that didn't make the cut.

https://www.sacred-texts.com/bib/lbob/lbob05.htm

DancingFool's picture
Too bad this one didn't make

Too bad this one didn't make it:
Thou shall not diddle little boys.

Dark One's picture
I suppose that would fall

I suppose that would fall under homosexuality. A stoning to death for that.

Tin-Man's picture
@Dark One Re: "I suppose

@Dark One Re: "I suppose that would fall under homosexuality. A stoning to death for that."

Unless, of course, you are a Catholic priest. In which case God forgives you, and the "Pope Administration" shuffles you around to different churches in countries with non-extradition policies so that you cannot be arrested and tried by the heathen laws of Man.

Old man shouts at clouds's picture
@ Tin Man and Dark One

@ Tin Man and Dark One

And, according to the Australian Royal Commission, 20% of Catholic Priests admitted that sex with prepubescent boys did not contravene their oath of celibacy, nor was it a homosexual act.

"No stoning for you"

A similar view is widely held amongst Islamic men, especially in the Pakistani/Afghan areas.

It just shows the kind of apologetics used will warp your moral sense.

Randomhero1982's picture
And on the 8th day, God

And on the 8th day, God invented an invisible talking leopard called Dave...

But he then got shit faced on moonshine and forgot all about him...

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