Does your god have a penis

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Up To My Neck's picture
Does your god have a penis

If you believe in god, and that man was made in his image, does god have a penis? If so, who does he fuck? Does god have bitches somewhere? Does he play with himself? What does he do with his godly crank?

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algebe's picture
@Pirate Jack: does god have a

@Pirate Jack: does god have a penis?

And does he have a foreskin? If so, why does he require his chosen people to whittle their kids' dicks? If not, did he hack it off himself?

Religions seem to be very preoccupied with phalluses. Maybe that's why they turn so many people into such dickheads.

LogicFTW's picture
Yeah religion REALLY screwed

Yeah religion REALLY screwed up on the whole "god made man in his image."

I can see why it worked 2000+ years ago, but is another example of: catching "santa claus" as a kid and finding out its your dad in a Santa costume.

God is all powerful and all knowledgeable, we can not understand his ways, yet in the same breath "god made humans in his image." Just one of the many MANY book breaking contradictions. The bible is a pile of highly edited garbage, as it should be seeing how it was plagiarized and written over 1000 years ago by the very people that profit/benefit from running these religions.

That is the crazy thing: religion is a con, and it is even a comically bad con, they just brainwash kids starting at a very young age to make it "work."

LostLocke's picture
My god has 10 penises. And

My god has 10 penises. And these extend off of 2 much larger penises. He's very versatile with his penises. He can grab things with them, express ideas or emotions, he can count....
Wait, maybe I'm thinking of fingers and not penises...

Cognostic's picture
@Fried Penis Foreskins Taste

@Fried Penis Foreskins Taste Just Like Calamari. (ERrr... So I have been told.)

algebe's picture
@Cognostic: Fried Penis

@Cognostic: Fried Penis Foreskins

But are they kosher/halal?

Cognostic's picture
@Algebe: "It all depends on

@Algebe: "It all depends on how you kill them." If you feed them regularly, bathe them, pet them and convince them that you are their best friend before you slice off their heads, then they are both Kosher and Halal. If you just ignore them, feed them anything that comes along, and then one day butcher them, they are not.

SIDE NOTE: In either case, they taste exactly the same.

Calilasseia's picture
Apparently it never occurred

Apparently it never occurred to the authors of the requisite mythologies, to ask themselves why a fantastic magical entity would even need an anatomy of any sort, let alone the hilarity that is ours ...

Adrian's picture
The Christian God is

The Christian God is technically Jesus and I suppose he did. He wouldn't have used it for anything much unless he was a Dan Brown version of Jesus who was married to Mary Magdalene. Jews never practiced celibacy so if Jesus existed in real life in some form (he probably did but apparently no-one noticed him at the time there are even early Christians who believe Jesus never had a physical human form) he probably was married since he was 14 or whatever.

Wicca is quite good seeing as you have a God and a Goddess so one of them has a willy and other gets banged with that for some good pagan intercourse.

Fleeing in Terror's picture

I will LITERALLY BE DAMNED if I worship the Great Penis in the Sky to Which You Must Sacrifice Children. That is why I left the Catholic Church.

The response of the previous entity in possession of the vatican was to compare women who want to be priests to pedophiles. The mantra in the Catholic Church is that the priest "represents Christ." So he vision of Christ is a deranged predator of children, holy solely because he chose a male form when entering the corporeal realm. I never think of Benne Dick as anything other than - That Which Declared Its Dick God and Offered our children in sacrifice to it. It was the happiest day of my life when it resigned; including the birth of my two children.

Vatican SOP - PROMOTE the pedophile - EXCOMMUNICATE the woman. The response of the rest of the clergy from the Cardinals to the priests on the pedophile crisis has been the same - The standard lecture on the sanctity of the penis.

I asked the theologian in choir behind me what kind of deranged moron the cardinals had elected. He said he had always found Ratzy easy to understand. I'll agree to that - perfectly understandable. The only other thing I heard about him was gushing about his statement that God is too big for us to understand fully. No shit Sherlock. That is a paraphrase of both Sirak from about 300 BC and Mohamed. It is terrifying that was considered a shocking revelation in theological circles.

But Benne Dick figured it out. He just looked between his legs and discovered something more wondrous than all the stars in heaven.

jay-h's picture
In our currently bizarre

In our currently bizarre culture, your god could 'identify' as a male, but have not penis. Or have a penis but be 'really, truly' a female.

Who knows?

(a certain irony here since my 'math question is 4+1=5. That leaves the unanswered question: does 2+2=5?)

Tin-Man's picture
@NeverHappened Re: "That

@NeverHappened Re: "That leaves the unanswered question: does 2+2=5?"

Yes. BUT, only after you subtract 2, multiply by 8, cube the square root of that, half that, add 3, and then divide by 7. See? Easy peasy. Didn't you learnt nuthin' in skool?

Old man shouts at clouds's picture
@ TM

@ TM

Although the words have been stolen by various fundamentalist preachers "The phrase "two plus two equals five" ("2 + 2 = 5") is a slogan used in propaganda, literature or other media, most notably the 1949 dystopian novel 1984 by George Orwell. In the novel, it is used as an example of an obviously false dogma that one may be required to believe, similar to other obviously false slogans promoted by the Party in the novel.

It is used commonly by fundamentalist pastors to demonstrate their "faith in the bible" , i.e if the bible says 2+2 = 5, I will believe it [the bible] first and search for reasons why it is true second"

If that isn't evidence that some pastors of that ilk are fucked in the head and/or just after your money/prepubescent children I do not know what the fuck is.

jay-h's picture
Agreed. Unfortunately that

Agreed. Unfortunately that same approach that drove religion is also coming to mass social movements -- declaring that truth is a product of consensus, that objective reality does not exist, must be erased, or constitutes some form of racism.

When I was a kid, the takeaway from 1984 was the authoritarian government control. But he also foresaw the manipulation of meaning of language for political ends, the thoughtcrime enforced through mobs, and the almost daily redefinition of reality.

Tin-Man's picture
@Old Man and NeverHappened

@Old Man and NeverHappened Re: 2+2=5

Hmmm... I guess maybe I should have made it a little more clear I was only being silly with that. I knew what NH was meaning with his 2+2=5 reference. Gave me a good chuckle... *grin*... And then my natural instincts took over and just simply had to poke fun a little further. Sadly, I must be losing my touch... *sniff-sniff-sob*...

Yeah, 1984 is a great book. Read it several times over the years. Very "prophetic", too, considering how groups/people of influence/power are currently trying their best to rewrite history and even attempting to change basic math concepts. (Just a personal observation.)

Oh! Almost forgot!.... Penis! (Just wanted to have something in this post relevant to the OP... *grin*...)

Old man shouts at clouds's picture
@ TM

@ TM

Oh I got your humor me old clanker. I love it!

Recently I have noticed that the phrase was being attributed to dickhead pastors (with some pride) rather than its true author. Just wanted to set the record straight for the lurkers.

Tin-Man's picture
@Old Man Re: "Just wanted to

@Old Man Re: "Just wanted to set the record straight for the lurkers."

Ah. Okay. Gotchya! Good call... *thumbs up*...

CyberLN's picture
rat spit's picture
So, who has the bigger cock;

So, who has the bigger cock; God, Jesus, or Satan?

And while we’re on the subject of cocks; let’s talk about balls. Same question. Who’s got the biggest nut sack?

More importantly, who gets the most action?

Adrian's picture
God is both male and female

God is both male and female in Kabbalistic Judaism if you really want to get into that sort of thing.

rat spit's picture
Awesome. “Chicks with dicks”!

Awesome. “Chicks with dicks”!!! Can I say that? Is that too riské? I’ve always loved a good transsexual Creation story.

I hear Satan’s wiener is quite small? Do you know anything about that?

Adrian's picture
The female aspect of God is

The female aspect of God is Judaism is called the Shekhinah. Some guff about it here.

Satan is technically an angel (his actual name is Samael) and they are genderless apparently.

'Angels are not male or female in the way that humans understand and experience gender. But whenever angels are mentioned in the Bible, the word translated “angel” is always used in the masculine form. Also, when angels appeared to people in the Bible, they were always seen as men.'

So they appear as men but don't really have the meat and two veg, they're just kind of like spiritual energy going on. Though that said the Nephilim of the Old Testament were supposed to be the offspring of mortal women and fallen angels.

'The Nephilim were giant superhuman offspring of wicked angels and human women. Genesis shows they were bullies and tyrants who filled the earth with...'

So Satan has a contradictory penis that both exists and doesn't exist at the same time.

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