Quick recap of my life. I grew up Evangelical. I was heavily involved in apologetics. In college I converted to Catholicism after realizing the Catholics showed up pretty early in Christian history...and Evangelicals were pretty late. I abandoned the project of apologetics and settled for theology. I also abandoned ID for evolution. I allegorized much of the Old Testament to get around the hard bits. I adopted universalism to solve the problem of eternal suffering (via some early Christians like Origen and Gregory of Nyssa and modern ones like David Bentley Hart). I also agreed with most NT scholarship on how the NT authors sometimes lied about their identity or how the events actually went down. Basically here I am in my 20s and I have a ton of knowledge of Christian theology and feel pretty secure in my beliefs. I arrogantly see myself sometimes as being a jedi-Christian with a super-nuanced view of what Christian teaching actually is. I look down on silly atheists who basically think they've disproven Christianity because they realized there's mistakes in the Bible. I always told myself that the atheists are basically ex-fundi Christians who never learned about Divine Simplicity (and hence believe in a sort of pagan Christian god) or never learned about a proper theology of the inspiration of scripture (and hence believe the Spirit actually teaches us through scripture that the big bang is a lie or that God likes to kill Canaanite babies).
But then the other day I did some brushing up on the historicity of the resurrection of Jesus. And something bothered me. For the first time in my life, I saw that Jesus *might* not have raised from the dead. Like I saw it only as a possibility. I rated it at like a 1-5% chance when I played it out in my head.
Then I realized something. If I knew of a natural explanation of where the first Christians got their ideas from, why wouldn't it be rational to believe that over a supernatural explanation?
Now I'm terrified. I'm invested so much of my life into Christian theology, apologetics, fighting atheism, etc. I always thought most atheists suck at arguing against Christians too because I always knew of better arguments against Christianity than they. But now I think I beat myself at my own game. My faith has been slowly falling away. I've cursed out God because I sometimes think He's abandoning me. I'm terrified I'm making a mistake.
Anyways, I'm finished spilling my guts. Looking forward to hearing from atheists on this site. Be easy on me. I've been a closet agnostic for a few days now.
Choosing to subscribe to this topic will automatically register you for email notifications for comments and updates on this thread.
Email notifications will be sent out daily by default unless specified otherwise on your account which you can edit by going to your userpage here and clicking on the subscriptions tab.