Increasingly Secular Nation Replaces Outdated Religious Ideas With End Times Prophecies, Moral Judgments
January 22nd, 2019

U.S.—The increasingly secular nation has replaced its outdated religious ideas with more advanced, enlightened ideas, like telling you what behavior is immoral and predicting when the world is going to end.

Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has just predicted that the world will end in 12 years if you do not give the government more power over your life. Leftists across the country agreed this is a big improvement on outlandish religious claims that the world will end and you will be judged for your sin one day soon.

In addition, Lady Gaga pronounced Mike Pence's Christianity as lacking morality, a claim immediately praised by the same people who agree that morality is relative and that you can't judge people based on who they are or what they do.

"Having been freed from the shackles of religion, we will now make wild predictions about when the world will end and inform you who is moral and who is not," atheist small group leader Beorn Mingles said at a Portland coffee shop Tuesday. "Finally, we have cast off the opiate of the masses and instead will just tell you what to believe and how to behave."

"I'm glad it's the 21st century," he added, chuckling, as his small group members arrived, marked-up copies of The God Delusion in tow. "Living under the thumb of religion's doomsday declarations and moral judgments is so last millennium."