Undeniable proof that the universe is created & fine tuned for cock

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ilovechloe's picture
Undeniable proof that the universe is created & fine tuned for cock

After countless hours of careful research, I have come to the conclusion that the universe has been designed by a creator, & fine tuned to support ........... cockroaches.

This is obviously the case, as there are over 4600 species of cockroach on the planet, & god knows how many throughout the rest of the universe. However God favours one species in particular, the American cockroach, which god favours above all the other cockroach species & was created in his image.

Further evidence that the universe was created for cockroaches is the fact that cockroaches have been observed to survive in a microwave oven. This allows them to be able to survive the cosmic radiation in space, when they stow away on spaceships that humans will build for them to colonise other planets.

So christians might ask why god created humans iif the universe was created for cockroaches? The answer to this is quite complex, yet at the same time quite simple.

God needed to create a creature that hated nature enough to build sewers, houses & other constructions favoured as a home by the American cockroach for their habitat, messy & wasteful enough to leave plenty of food scraps favoured by the American cockroach lying around, intelligent enough to build conveyances for cockroaches such as cars, ships & planes for cockroaches to stow away on & colonise every part of the planet, & to also build spaceships for cockroaches to stow away on & colonise other planets, & yet dumb enough to believe that the universe was created just for them, so they wouldn't suspect that they are just mere slaves to cockroaches!

The earth was originally supposed to be a garden of eden for cockroaches, however things got fucked up when the 1st two cockroaches god created ate from the forbidden sugar cube of knowledge, after they were deceived by a talking centipede. So god cursed all cockroach kind by making humans detest & despise the cockroach, & gave humans the ability to develop cockroach spray.

However god has a cunning plan for the planet to once again become a garden of eden for cockroaches. God cunningly left vast amounts of fossil fuels, which he knew that humans would greedily burn vast quantities of, & which he also knew would make the planet so hot that humans & most other species will eventually become extinct.

However the temperature will be just right for the cockroach, which will flourish on the hotter earth in the ruins of the buildings & other constructions left behind by mankind.

I know all this to be true because all of the evidence points to it being true, & where I lack evidence I have plenty of faith that all of this is true. So if anybody can prove that what I have written is NOT true, then please show me your evidence to disprove this! If my theory cannot be dis-proven, then I will consider it to be proven & factual. I will also register a religion to worship the great cockroach in the sky (for the tax free benefits of course).

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Grinseed's picture
If god loves cockroaches, why

If god loves cockroaches, why did he create cockatoos?
I love cockroaches.
Crunchy on the outside with a soft creamy centre. Squawk!

ilovechloe's picture
@ Grinseed

@ Grinseed
I already explained that things got fucked up because the 1st 2 cockroaches ate from the forbidden sugar cube of knowledge, fucking up gods perfect creation.

When gods perfect plan eventually comes to fruition, cockatoo's, along with humans will become extinct due to global warming, & the earth will once again be a garden of eden for cockroaches!

NewSkeptic's picture
you know, you probably

you know, you probably planned this, or just ramdomly due to character limits, "...roaches" does not appear in this thread title.

I thought you were going in an entirely different direction.

This is false advertising and I for one will not stand for it.

David Killens's picture
Yea NewSkeptic, definitely

Yea NewSkeptic, definitely click-bait lol

ilovechloe's picture
@ NewSkeptic "you know, you

@ NewSkeptic "you know, you probably planned this, or just ramdomly due to character limits, "...roaches" does not appear in this thread title."

It was definitely due to character limits. Not my fault, & definitely not done intentionally! As a devotee to the Great Cockroach in the Sky, it is my duty to behave ethically at all times, so I don't give my new religion a bad name.

Tin-Man's picture
@ilovechloe Re: OP

@ilovechloe Re: OP

...LMAO... Dammit, man! It's too early in the morning for me to be laughing like this. Haven't even had my coffee yet!... *reading posts from NewSkeptic and David*.... *suddenly choking back laughter and attempting to maintain serious face*.... Er ummm... I mean, ahem... *clearing throat*... Uh, yeah, uh, false advertising will NOT be tolerated around here. Shame on you for getting our hopes up like that... *snerkle*... with such a lewd and suggestive title. You've been warned!... *quickly exiting room before bursting into laughter again*...

Cognostic's picture
Best fine tuning argument I

Best fine tuning argument I have ever seen!

boomer47's picture
"When gods perfect plan

"When gods perfect plan eventually comes to fruition, cockatoo's, along with humans will become extinct due to global warming, & the earth will once again be a garden of eden for cockroaches!"

I don't seem to have a lot of 'roaches; my Jack Russell eats them, along with any (harmless) house spiders he can catch. So far he hasn't caught Boris, the Hunstman who has been living on my bathroom ceiling for 25 years.

'roaches can apparently survive a nuclear war,. However, they are most certainly not the reason god made the earth. Our world and every living thing upon it was made as a way for microbes to create more microbes. Microbes have been found in freezing climates ,and thermal springs of boiling water .

-------Do you know, I think god can be very obtuse at times.

David Killens's picture
"So far he hasn't caught

"So far he hasn't caught Boris, the Hunstman who has been living on my bathroom ceiling for 25 years"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bvFuUaCe8eY

boomer47's picture
@David Killens

@David Killens

Was wondering if anyone would pick up the reference.

Boris and I have an agreement; I don't walk on his ceiling and he doesn't walk on my floor.

ilovechloe's picture
@ cranky47 "roaches can

@ cranky47 "roaches can apparently survive a nuclear war"

Another piece of evidence that the universe was created specifically for cockroaches! God created cockroaches to survive solar flares from space, & also anything that man in his stupidity is likely to do to destroy himself & other forms of life. Man might wipe out all forms of life on the whole planet, but he will never wipe out cockroaches!

"However, they are most certainly not the reason god made the earth. Our world and every living thing upon it was made as a way for microbes to create more microbes. Microbes have been found in freezing climates ,and thermal springs of boiling water ."

The microbes are necessary to create combabulation & misamphorprosim, & are part of gods perfect plan for the cockroaches. It is obvious that you have no idea of these concepts, & so you are unqualified to comment on this matter. Your argument is merely a 'straw man' with circular reasoning, so I dismiss it outright!

Grinseed's picture
Fuck this. I'm going to set

Fuck this. I'm going to set up a Cockatoo Republic Forum site. Bloody cockroach dominionists.

Tin-Man's picture
@ilovechloe

@ilovechloe

I'm afraid I am in a bit of a dilemma here. On the one hand, I want to go out and start protesting and boycotting against all the pest control companies for waging wholesale war on the blessed cockroach community and killing millions of them on a daily basis. On the other hand, you said the cockroaches are currently getting their just and righteous punishment as dictated by the all-loving god that created them in his image. And that would mean that the pest control companies are simply doing the work of the Lord by inflicting said punishment on the cockroaches, and that I should actually be supporting their efforts. I'm so torn and conflicted. I don't know what to do... *anguished plea*... Who do I pray to about this???

ilovechloe's picture
@ Grinseed:

@ Grinseed:
According to the cockroach bible, cockatoos are the evil spawn of satan!

@ Tin-Man
Pray to the Great Cockroach in The Sky. If you truly believe in him with all your heart, he will allow you to have a personal relationship with him. He will give you guidance on the best form of action. In the meantime, I suggest that you stop squishing cockroaches with your foot in case you make the cockroach god angry, & he sends what appears to us deluded humans a natural disaster in the form of cockroach vomit rain to punish a village of poor people somewhere.

You should also stop masturbating every day. The cockroach god just hates those who masturbate! It is an abomination to him!

Tin-Man's picture
@ilovechloe Re: "You should

@ilovechloe Re: "You should also stop masturbating every day. The cockroach god just hates those who masturbate! It is an abomination to him!"

... *cringing*.... Duh-oh!... *shaking head in disappointment*... Well, dude, you almost had me. Yep, you were doing great until that part.... *heavy sigh*... Well.... Let the roach stomping and insecticide spraying begin!....

ilovechloe's picture
@ Tin-Man

@ Tin-Man
I hope you realise that the next time a 'natural' disaster strikes a poverty-stricken country such as Haiti or the Philippines it will be on your head for making the Great Cockroach god angry!

Tin-Man's picture
@ilovechloe Re: "I hope you

@ilovechloe Re: "I hope you realise that the next time a 'natural' disaster strikes a poverty-stricken country such as Haiti or the Philippines it will be on your head for making the Great Cockroach god angry!"

Hey, man, if he would just get rid of that whole masturbation rule I would totally be back on board. Otherwise, I just have to take comfort in believing I am doing his works by making the lives of roaches miserable as is part of his perfect plan. Besides, the half dozen or so roaches I might kill in a day are NOTHING compared to the mass genocide committed by Terminex and Orkin all over the country on an hourly basis. At MOST, what I do MIGHT be enough to have the wind blow down a tree across somebody's parked car or tool shed. I can live with that. Pretty sure the pest control companies can take the blame for the bigger disasters, though.

ilovechloe's picture
@ Tin-Man

@ Tin-Man

If I understand you correctly, you seem to be saying that you believe from the overwhelming evidence, & alsso through Faith that the Universe was created & fine tuned for Cockroaches, & that there is a Great Cockroach God in the sky. Your only objection is that you don't agree with all of the rules, because you dont want to give up masturbation?

Well thats OK with me. I am fine if you want to 'cherry-pick' the doctrine, & only agree with what you want to agree with, because that is the way that every religion on the planet operates. I am not going to get all FUNDAMENTAL about it!

Please provide your email address so I can send you an enrolment form to join my new 'Church of the Great Cockroach in the Sky'. I will also send you a direct debit form, so that you can agree to tythe 10% of your before tax income to the church, for the rest of your life. The Great Cockroach in the Sky requires a lot of money. If he doesn't get money, he is likely to get quite narky & send a plague of cockroaches to your house!

But dont worry, any money you give now will be returned to you 10-fold in the after life (The Great Cockroach in the Sky pays really good interest rates).

Tin-Man's picture
@ilovechloe

@ilovechloe

Re: "If I understand you correctly, you seem to be saying that you believe from the overwhelming evidence, & alsso through Faith that the Universe was created & fine tuned for Cockroaches, & that there is a Great Cockroach God in the sky."

Whoa whoa whoa! Cool your jets and slow your roll there, big guy. I never said I fully believe in all that mumbo-jumbo. I'm simply hedging my bets and relying on Pascal's Wager in an attempt to keep me in the good graces of the Great Cockroach just in case it actually exists. A perfectly logical stance, if you ask me.

Re: "Your only objection is that you don't agree with all of the rules, because you dont want to give up masturbation?"

Listen, you know as well as I do that some of those "rules" simply do not/cannot apply to modern society. That was then, this is now. So don't go getting all sanctimonious and blaming ME for your god's lack of foresight when it made those rules. Besides, it's been medically proven that masturbation is good for the prostate. I'm just trying to stay healthy.

Re: "I will also send you a direct debit form, so that you can agree to tythe 10% of your before tax income to the church, for the rest of your life."

Ha! Nice try, bub! But do you really think I'm stupid enough to fall for that scam without first doing some investigating into the legitimacy of your supposed "church"? Therefore, before you even THINK about sending me that debit form, I have a couple of requirements you need to fulfil first.

1. You need to send me a copy of your holy book, along with a spiffy pamphlet that expounds on the glory of your god and directs me to the scripture where your god demands the tything. That way I can read it and properly interpret it in my own way.

2. I will need three current church members to contact me BY PHONE so that I can HEAR them tell me how glorious your church is. None of that e-mail stuff where practically ANYBODY could be typing a bunch of lies. For that matter, it could even be YOU acting as all three members. And I ain't falling for THAT one again.

Only after you meet these two conditions will I even remotely consider becoming a member. I'm not an idiot, you know. Oh, and those three members better be really nice and very convincing when they call. So, there you go. Put up or shut up. I think my requests are very reasonable.

ilovechloe's picture
@Tin-Man

@Tin-Man
Re no. 1: The holy book is being translated from Cockroachian to English as we speak. We are doing it very carefully, so as to avoid translation errors that are problematic with most other holy books. We want to make sure we have a 'pure' translation without any errors.

Re no. 2: What are you doing this Saturday? Perhaps you can join me on a door knock campaign to recruit some new members. If you help me recruit 3 new members, I will be sure to get them to phone you to tell you how great the Church is.

If you can also loan me $200, I can pay the printer for the spiffy pamphlets that you have asked for.

As one of the founding members of the church, I can make sure that you are well rewarded in this life as well as the next. As soon as we have a couple of hundred of members of The Church Of The Great Cockroach in the Sky, all faithfully tything their income, The Great Cockroach God will reward you with that Ferrari you always wanted!

Tin-Man's picture
@ilovechloe

@ilovechloe

Wow.... Just... wow.... I can't believe this. I read your last post, and I am now at a loss for words. I mean, really, I simply can't believe the words you wrote. Seriously, this is almost too good to be true... *pinching self on arm to confirm I am awake*... For starters, you are actually willing to translate the entire book for me to read for myself. Not just the few passages I wanted to read, mind you, but the WHOLE book. To me, that indicates you are truly dedicated and serious about your faith, and I am honored that you are willing to trust me enough to take possession of your sacred scriptures. After all, most scam artists out there would just open their holy books to any ol' page, "read" a couple of passages, and expect me to simply believe that is what was written because they know I cannot read the language. For all I know, they could be making that shit up as they go. But your willingness to translate your entire book for me to actually read for myself is definitely a point in your favor.

Re: "If you help me recruit 2 new members, I will be sure to get them to phone you to tell you how great the Church is."

... *staring in awe*.... Again, this is almost too good to be true. It's as if you can read my mind. It is almost scary how much you and I think alike. Because, obviously, if I help recruit the members who will be calling me, it means I have already had a chance to meet them and get to know them a bit. That way it is not like total strangers calling me, and I can more easily trust them as they tell me about your church... *involuntary shiver*... Oooo... I'm so excited I'm getting goosebumps.

As for the $200 loan... *waving hand in dismissal*... Please, just consider it as my first donation. Considering you have been so openly generous so far, and it was ME who made the request for the pamphlet, $200 is the least I can do.... *tapping chin with index finger while briefly contemplating*... Hmmm... Hey, ya know what... As much as I would love to go help you recruit Saturday, I'm afraid my schedule is already full that day. (I have tickets to the annual "Midget Cowboys vs. Rodeo Clowns Jello Wrestling Tournaments". I haven't missed that event once in the past twelve years.) No worries, though, because after your last post I know I can trust you to find the most upstanding members available to call me. And I am so looking forward to hearing all the great things about the church. Oh, just one more thing, though....

Re: "The Great Cockroach God will reward you with that Ferrari you always wanted!"

Not meaning to sound ungrateful. That is indeed a very generous offer. However, I've never been a big fan of Ferraris. I would much rather have a vintage Volkswagen Beetle, if that's okay.... *sudden look of embarrassment*... Oh, shit! Sorry. I hope I didn't just blasphemy!

ilovechloe's picture
@ Tin-Man

@ Tin-Man

You really DO want a Ferrari. You just don't know that you want one yet. The Great Cockroach in the Sky is NEVER wrong. If he says you want a Ferarri, then you want a Ferrari!

Wanting a Beetle definitely IS blasphemy. The Beetalist's have been deceived by 'The Evil One'. If you continue to mingle with Beetalist's, I will have no choice but to declare you a heretic, & banish you from the church.

Cognostic's picture
The world was created for

THE BOOK IS HERE!!! The world was created for cockroaches by the Blue Universe Creating bunnies.

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Tin-Man's picture
@Cog Re: "The world was

@Cog Re: "The world was created for cockroaches by the Blue Universe Creating bunnies."

Obviously there is a mistranslation somewhere. And I'm willing to bet it has something to do with the ancient word "Buncock". Because, depending on which language and time period, that word can also be read as "Cockbun". Now, most popular language experts and scholars of ancient history agree the term "Almighty Cockroach" is derived from "cock" (which is obviously "cockroach") and "bun" (which is the word for huge/massive/powerful). However, then there are the biased and less popular "experts" who (weakly) argue that the word "Cockbun" actually means Blue Bunny. These amateurs derive it from "Cock" (which is supposedly a reference to the sapphire marbles used in some ancient sex rituals) and "Bun" (which they BELIEVE to mean "rabbit". However, it is obvious they have mistaken the word "Bun" for the similar ancient word of "Bunn". And EVERY credible historian knows "bunn" is an ancient word referring to HAIR styles of that time period. So these supposed "experts" even got THAT translation wrong... *rolling eyes*....)

Sorry, Cog. I really hate to disagree with you on this. But it is painfully obvious that whoever translated that book totally screwed the pooch in that area.

Sheldon's picture
So do gay cockroaches get

So do gay cockroaches get saved, yes or no?

ilovechloe's picture
@ Sheldon: "So do gay

@ Sheldon: "So do gay cockroaches get saved, yes or no?"

As with any religious text, it is open to interpretation, & it depends on which verse you read in the cockroachian bible & how you interpret it. 20% of the cockroach population interpret the text as NO, you don't get saved. 20% interpret it as, YES you do get saved, & the other 60% couldn't give a shit because they never bother to read the religious texts, favouring instead to shit & vomit all over the text.

It really depends on which of the many 1000's of denominations of Cockroachian you believe in!

Cognostic's picture
I'm pretty sure that the gay

I'm pretty sure that the gay cockroaches that deny their gayness and never do gay things like sword fights or scissoring get saved but if you happen to be a guy and touch one dick or a taco eating woman, you are completely ineligible to be saved.

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