My New Religion – Holy Granny-Face Kickers (HO.G-FAC.KERS)

I am launching a new religion today and thought I should warn anyone who might speak out against the sacred tenets of my new faith, that I will be employing the laws of various states, to imprison that person under the standing blasphemy laws of whatever country is wise enough to possess these lofty species of laws. My religion was born from the divinely inspired revelations of the wise and holy, John Smith (May peace be upon him). Now, I am fully aware that his name doesn’t sound too holy, but trust me when I say; he is more righteous, more sacred, pious and true, than any Middle Eastern “prophet” or “saviour.” (May dirt be trodden into their lying faces and the faces of their infidel followers!)

The Call to John Smith (May peace be upon him) and the Wounded Possum (May his injuries heal)

John Smith (May peace be upon him), was sitting at home in Sydney Australia, when, after being tormented by a number of annoying senior citizens in his neighbourhood, he received a divine revelation from the one true GOD, Ralf (Most High), in the form of a wounded possum that was caught in the drain just outside of his house. Ralf (Most High), revealed unto John Smith (Peace be upon him), through the words of this marsupial vessel of the Most High (May his injuries heal), the true nature of the universe and the most sacred of all laws; kick old ladies in the face, for they are a curse unto humanity and were sent up to the earth, from the abyss, by the dark one, Albert (May Ralf guide us and protect us). (Book of John 1:1)

Ralf (Most High), informed John (May peace be upon him), that women do not grow old and that those who do appear to grow old, have actually been slowly and gradually replaced by Albert (May Ralf guide us and protect us), and that, when a woman begins to be replaced, no matter how gradually, her true self is lost to the darkness and she must therefore be kicked in the face whenever encountered, so that the righteous will not also suffer the same horrifying fate. Notwithstanding this fundamental law, Ralf (Most High) revealed unto John (May peace be upon him), a number of day-to-day rules and a few prophecies about the future. I shall list just a few of these rules for life below, so that the reader may witness the logic, reason and truth of my new religion.

Rules for Life – Source: The Book of John

  1. Wake up and go to the toilet. (Book of John 1:2)
  2. Whilst on the toilet, say your first prayer of the day, five times with your head between your knees (“Ralf (Most High), deliver me from elderly women!”) (Book of John 1:3)
  3. Eat Breakfast (More of a suggestion than a rule) (Book of John 1:3 (a))
  4. Brush your teeth with toothpaste (*Colgate Only) (Book of John 1:10)
  5. Work hard and pay more tax than is asked of you. (Book of John 2:67)
  6. Give to my religion, 20% of your salary. (Book of John 1: 4)
  7. Wear steel-toed boots… (Book of John 1:7)
  8. Only use the toilet before bed. (Book of John 4:3)
  9. Never pray on the toilet. (Book of John 4:6)
  10. Beat your wife to prevent her aging (Book of John 4:34)
  11. Never Brush your teeth with Colgate toothpaste (Book of John 4:44)
  12. Always pay more than you are asked to, but only if it serves the purposes of Ralf (Most High). (Book of John 4:55)
  13. Never eat in the morning (Book of John 4:66)
  14. Only pray at night (Book of John 4:77)

I won’t bore you with the rest, but if you would like to know more, you can send us an email or contact our website.

As mentioned, John (May peace be upon him) also received precise and irrefutable prophecies about the future. Here are just three of them. Now, when you read them, I am certain that the wisdom and divinity of Ralf (Most High) and his mightiest prophet, John (May peace be upon him), will come shining through like the fires of the abyss, which are ignited and kindled with the finest anti-aging creams:

  1. It will rain within the next year.
  2. Monday will always follow Sunday.
  3. There will be wars, earthquakes, storms and people will die.


Now that Holy Granny-Face kickers is recognized as a legitimate religion, it is eligible for protection under the secular laws which govern over hate speech, blasphemy, religious libel, defamation of religion and other similar species of freedom-crushing and human rights violating laws. In the following countries, you will be imprisoned for insulting the Holy Granny-Face Kickers:

  • Austria (Penal Code Section 188)
  • Denmark (Paragraph 140 & 266 (b) of the Penal Code)
  • Finland (Section 17 (10) Criminal Code)
  • Greece (Articles 198, 199, and 201 of the Penal Code)
  • Israel (Articles 170 & 173 of the Penal Code)
  • India (Section 295A of the Penal Code)
  • And many other countries…

If you think it is unfair that my righteous religion seek protection under these wise laws and you disagree with some of our practices, you are free to sign this evil, bigoted and hateful petition to abolish blasphemy laws, but know this; should you participate in this blasphemous petition to abolish blasphemy laws, Ralf (Most High), will curse your women with old age and before you know it, you will be forced to kick your own mother in the face!

Here is the link to the (real) petition, anyway

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